Caught My Wife Messaging and Sending Videos to Another Man

[mark clemson]

Assuming you work through this, IF you still want to practice ethical polyamory you'll probably want to do quite a bit more research on how to make rules actually stick. One book you might try is The Ethical Slut which despite the title is apparently well-regarded in the polyamory set.

Those are IFs. Ethical polyamory, despite safeguards, doesn't work for everyone and from what I understand has been the death-knell of many a marriage (although plenty of success stories also exist and certainly plenty of purely monogamous marriages fail).

Going back to monogamy may work, but as others have mentioned the genie is now out of the bottle and may be hard to put back in. Many people who cheat are genuinely remorseful afterwards, but some are not and there is no real way to know.

Did both of you date around in your 20's? If not, for better or worse, it seems there may be some late-in-the-game wild oats still needing to be sown...

Edited December 10, 2021 by mark clemson

[OBXer44]

4 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Assuming you work through this, IF you still want to practice ethical polyamory you'll probably want to do quite a bit more research on how to make rules actually stick. One book you might try is The Ethical Slut which despite the title is apparently well-regarded in the polyamory set.

Those are IFs. Ethical polyamory, despite safeguards, doesn't work for everyone and from what I understand has been the death-knell of many a marriage (although plenty of success stories also exist and certainly plenty of purely monogamous marriages fail).

Going back to monogamy may work, but as others have mentioned the genie is now out of the bottle and may be hard to put back in. Many people who cheat are genuinely remorseful afterwards, but some are not and there is no real way to know.

Did both of you date around in your 20's? If not, for better or worse, it seems there may be some late-in-the-game wild oats still needing to be sown...

Thank you for the advice. We'll see how things turn out, not sure if things do work out if we would want to continue with the fantasy. If so, we will definitely check out your suggestion.

She seems remorseful but I'm afraid that it will be short lived and I'll find her doing it again in the future. I guess that is what I'm struggling with now. Forgive and move on or come to the conclusion that she will not change.

We started dating when I was 23/24 and she was 22/23. Both of us were well traveled when met, so to say. She says the stress of kids, hormones, just liking the attention, gave her a momentary lapse in judgement and she sees clearly now what the result can be. I don't know if I believe her.

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, OBXer44 said:

She says the stress of kids, hormones, just liking the attention, gave her a momentary lapse in judgement and she sees clearly now what the result can be. I don't know if I believe her.

It sounds like she just got carried away with the fantasy and did not adhere to the rules you say were clearly defined. Unless she has given you reason to be concerned in the past, I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

[mark clemson]

Thanks. There is no real way to know, unfortunately. You might consider working through this (both on your own and with her) but also monitoring her reasonably (not healthy, but sometimes necessary in a difficult situation where trust is low but you want to salvage the marriage). She should have equal rights to monitor you if you go this route.

[elaine567]

How much input did your wife have to the "rules"?
Or was it a case of your fantasy, your rules?

[OBXer44]

Just now, elaine567 said:

How much input did your wife have to the "rules"?
Or was it a case of your fantasy, your rules?

Our fantasy, our rules. You seem intent on placing blame squarely on me. I did nothing wrong, 20 years together and I have never strayed. She is the one that broke the trust. 

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, OBXer44 said:

She is the one that broke the trust.

But why did she cheat?
It is generally accepted that most women cheat due to unhappiness at home and  discontent with their partner, most men cheat for "extra"...

[Acacia98]

21 hours ago, OBXer44 said:

The last time I caught her she said that the guy was the one the was initiating the contact and that she would block him so he couldn't continue doing it. I believed her. 

(...)

About 3 weeks later, I was waiting for her in the bedroom after starting off our night in the hot tub with a few hard drinks. It was taking her sometime so I peeked in the door and saw her dancing in front of a tablet in her lingerie. We had a great night in bed but the next morning I decided to investigate what I thought was suspicious behavior. I found the tablet and several messages to the man I had just confronted her about 3 weeks earlier. The messages were sexual in nature and she sent them right after we had sex.

In at least this part of your description, it seems pretty clear that she knew where the boundaries lay. She actually said she would block the guy. And then she didn't. She had three whole weeks of doing goodness knows what then she ultimately sent him pics/videos.

This is not a momentary lapse in judgement. It's not a situation where boundaries are vague. This is straight cheating. You've already got some good advice above (about getting counselling and speaking to folks who are experienced in ethical non-monogamy). I think you should follow that advice.

[Lotsgoingon]

I worry you're blocking your feelings through wading into the details. 

You know you were betrayed. You know she went past your boundaries. You need to figure out how to respond to all that you know. You're avoiding the hard step of what to do next by nailing down all the details. Dude, you can learn 10x more details--so what? You still will need to think about what you want and the next step. That's why you would benefit from a good therapist--because I sense you aren't very confident or clear about your options and even how to think of the crisis you guys are in. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, OBXer44 said:

Our fantasy, our rules. She is the one that broke the trust. 

Ok . Now you can either go to marriage therapy and figure out what's actually going on...

Or claim you're a saint, had no part in dragging other men into your relationship (your fantasy) from these sex sites and because you couldn't handle it she's the sinner.

With respect, stay out of the kitchen if you can't handle the heat.

Edited December 10, 2021 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

But why did she cheat?
It is generally accepted that most women cheat due to unhappiness at home and  discontent with their partner, most men cheat for "extra"...

Possibly reasonable, but we can't assume that is the situation in any given specific case.

Consider that this may be asking OP to provide a "justification"/reason that doesn't exist because in his wife's specific case she wasn't overly unhappy but just satisfying an exhibitionist kink or similar and enjoys it more with strangers.

It's certainly worth asking the question if there are other issues in the marriage, but it also appears to be true that the wife, now caught, appears to be showing little interest in leaving.

Edited December 10, 2021 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

the wife, now caught, appears to be showing little interest in leaving.

She is not going to leave if she can help it. She has kids.

[OBXer44]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I worry you're blocking your feelings through wading into the details. 

You know you were betrayed. You know she went past your boundaries. You need to figure out how to respond to all that you know. You're avoiding the hard step of what to do next by nailing down all the details. Dude, you can learn 10x more details--so what? You still will need to think about what you want and the next step. That's why you would benefit from a good therapist--because I sense you aren't very confident or clear about your options and even how to think of the crisis you guys are in. 

 

 

Thank you, you are right about me wading into the details, it consumes me. I need to get past the act and onto what I do moving forward

[glows]

30 minutes ago, OBXer44 said:

Thank you, you are right about me wading into the details, it consumes me. I need to get past the act and onto what I do moving forward

Agree. So try communicating better with her. Marriage therapy is not a bad idea if you feel you both aren't communicating well enough in your marriage. Adding third parties to the mix complicates things much more. Hold off on this until things are clearer for both of you.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

She is not going to leave if she can help it. She has kids.

That is certainly one factor as well.

[vla1120]

7 hours ago, OBXer44 said:

Thank you, you are right about me wading into the details, it consumes me. I need to get past the act and onto what I do moving forward

How about a do-over/reset? It does not matter who initiated the idea of living out this fantasy in real life or who did not fully understand the ground rules and boundaries. It obviously awakened something in your wife. You can put these fantasies on the back burner (temporarily or permanently) until you've explored what might be missing in your marriage/sex life that you considered introducing other men/women into your bed - and/or - what prompted your wife to step over the boundaries. Have the two of you tried role play/dress up in the bedroom to spice things up? Are there other things the two of you could be exploring with one another to strengthen your relationship in the bedroom? If you have an otherwise healthy and strong marriage, this does not have to be the undoing of your family. 

[endlessabyss]

On 12/9/2021 at 1:24 PM, Wiseman2 said:

You wanted this to 'spice things up'? Now you're saying you don't?

Find another way to improve your sex life because this fantasy of yours is deteriorating your marriage.

This.

You play out all these cuckold fantasies with your wife, and then when it actually happens you threaten divorce?

Get it together, man.

[OBXer44]

Just now, endlessabyss said:

This.

You play out all these cuckold fantasies with your wife, and then when it actually happens you threaten divorce?

Get it together, man.

Not cuckold, I'm not one to be ridiculed. There were boundaries set and they were crossed. It's a trust issue, does not matter what the fantasy is and this point it was just that, a fantasy we explored in the bedroom. We have not actually acted on it but we were always in agreement that there was full disclosure, so we were both able to exit if either one of us felt uncomfortable. 

[OBXer44]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Possibly reasonable, but we can't assume that is the situation in any given specific case.

Consider that this may be asking OP to provide a "justification"/reason that doesn't exist because in his wife's specific case she wasn't overly unhappy but just satisfying an exhibitionist kink or similar and enjoys it more with strangers.

It's certainly worth asking the question if there are other issues in the marriage, but it also appears to be true that the wife, now caught, appears to be showing little interest in leaving.

@mark clemsonI think of everyone that has offered advice, you understand the situation the most. We had a loving marriage, 5 kids and a successful small business. After 20 years together we choose to explore our sexuality in the bedroom with a fantasy that has yet to be fully acted on. We set boundaries and everything was supposed to be full disclosure. She seems to have an exhibitionist/desire to be wanted kink that she may enjoy more with strangers. The man she was in contact with she barely knows and they only converse through messenger/do not see each other in public. She is extremely remorseful, says she is sorry and promises to never let it happen again. She says she got caught up in the excitement. I'm just at a point that I'm dwelling on the act and can't seem to move past it. Not sure if I can trust her to reconcile or if I'll always have this on my mind.

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, OBXer44 said:

@mark clemsonI think of everyone that has offered advice, you understand the situation the most.

I'll admit, I do not understand the situation. I have heard that, for this lifestyle, you have to set boundaries, ground rules, etc.  In reality (IMO), if a couple is willing to invite other individuals into their bed, and they have no problem with their spouse/SO having sex with another human being besides themselves, I just cannot understand how betrayal and jealousy come into play when one exhibits this type of behavior outside the set "boundaries." Would there not be the same feeling of jealousy and betrayal watching your spouse have sex with someone besides yourself? 

[elaine567]

33 minutes ago, OBXer44 said:

After 20 years together we choose to explore our sexuality in the bedroom with a fantasy that has yet to be fully acted on.

 BUT

On 12/9/2021 at 9:13 PM, OBXer44 said:

We had been on Adult Friend Finder and she would message other guys but always with the understanding that I was involved, and everything would be transparent.

Not fully perhaps, but her contacting other men was already in process. Where did you really think that would lead?
 
This fantasy is obviously your kink and not hers. You assumed too much.
She was a pawn in your game. But whilst she acquiesced to your plans, she had a mind of her own.  
I guess she was likely happier when you were not involved.
What did you really think you could bring to the party from her POV?  
She apparently just wanted to titivate and get involved with another man...
Your input was unnecessary and unwanted.
You should have considered all possibilities ,before you introduced the idea of bringing other men into your marriage... so yes I do feel you are to blame for what subsequently occurred...

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, OBXer44 said:

@mark clemson. We had a loving marriage, 5 kids and a successful small business. After 20 years together we choose to explore our sexuality in the bedroom with a fantasy that has yet to be fully acted on. 

Exactly. She didn't cheat. She was acting on your fantasy. 

[Myabee]

13 hours ago, OBXer44 said:

Thank you, you are right about me wading into the details, it consumes me. I need to get past the act and onto what I do moving forward

I do think she owes you full disclosure and honesty. It's the only way forward to mend the marriage. Has she disclosed fully? 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elaine, although I can  understand your thought process, in this kind of a kink things do not quite work out the way you have surmised. The OP may not bear sole responsibility for what transpired. He mentioned that he and his wife were looking at a stag/ vixen relationship. That is a standard Hotwife relationship vis a vis a cuckold relationship. It's funny how these guys have these different labels to differentiate their version of their kink. 

Whatever it maybe there is an understanding that once both husband and wife are on board with their fantasy that there will always be complete transparency in every little thing that transpires in the process towards achieving their goal. People who are part of this community are as averse to cheating (and opacity in the communication between the)/by the wife and her likely boyfriend as monogamous couples are! The husband has to be kept in the loop and and his input is a part of the selection and planning process. If a wife reneged on this understanding then she is guilty of cheating as it appears the OP's wife has done. However the OP has his share of the blame to shoulder as he probably encouraged his wife to communicate with different guys, thus opening a Pandora's box which cannot be closed again once opened. It is like once a WW/ WH has had sex with their OP they cannot undo the act. 

I had made a suggestion to the OP ro get in touch with a counselor who is familiar with non monogamous relationships to counsel them on how to steer their way out of the mess they have landed themselves in. These kind of relationships can work only if a couple has a very strong and loving relationship and if they have very good mutual communication between them. Hope this clarifies some points. Warm regards.

[OBXer44]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 BUT

Not fully perhaps, but her contacting other men was already in process. Where did you really think that would lead?
 
This fantasy is obviously your kink and not hers. You assumed too much.
She was a pawn in your game. But whilst she acquiesced to your plans, she had a mind of her own.  
I guess she was likely happier when you were not involved.
What did you really think you could bring to the party from her POV?  
She apparently just wanted to titivate and get involved with another man...
Your input was unnecessary and unwanted.
You should have considered all possibilities ,before you introduced the idea of bringing other men into your marriage... so yes I do feel you are to blame for what subsequently occurred...

 

Thank you for your input