Why did he unfriend me suddenly like this and is it worth trying to reach out to him?

[Horses634]

I met this boy at university who is a virgin and he told me when we first met that before having sex he wanted to get to know the person which I was fine with because I prefer to have sex when there is an emotional connection anyway. We met a few times where we would just talk get to know each other and cuddle. However, he talked about having sex many times and gave off the impression he wanted to do it soon. But when we would meet up he would bring reasons as to why he could not have sex including him not being shaved. I did not mind this because I liked him and spending time with him but it kind of felt he had a certain pressure to sleep with me probably because he knows I’m more experienced and thought that maybe I had certain expectations from him. So we didn’t meet in a bedroom setting for a while but i came over last night and he immediately acted nervous and was doing things to delay the whole act of sex. Despite me not bringing up sex or attempting to make any sort of move on him he kept mentioning that he wasn’t shaved and even though I told him it’s fine, he seemed to still feel a little pressured. He also told me he got advice from his friends and they told him that he should take it slow with me because of the fact he is a virgin. So for the whole night we ended up just kissing and cuddling and watching tv and I thought we had a good time overall despite him feeling a bit nervous about the whole sex thing.

However the next day I noticed he unfriended me on Snapchat and basically we have no other means of communication at the moment so he knew when doing this I wouldn’t be able to contact him. I felt immediately shocked because I did not expect this at all. Even though I know he was nervous when we met we still had a good interaction and he even offered me his hoodie when I left in the morning. I feel very hurt because I actually did like him as a person and liked spending time with him. 

My friends told me that he probably feels like he can’t meet my ‘expectations’ and because he wasn’t able to satisfy me he ended up unfriending me. They also told me is he is probably insecure which i know he is for a fact because he told me he is insecure about well his ‘banana’. I’m just upset because I feel like I underestimated how nervous he was to sleep with me and I didn’t realise his reasons for not being able to sleep with me had something to do with him not actually being ready. The fact he basically told he wanted to take things slow last night gave everything away. Him talking about how excited he was to sleep with me when the time came definitely made me underestimate how nervous he actually was. 

I just want to know if you think it’s worth trying to reach out to him and being able to have a conversation with him about this and I want him to know i don’t mind taking things slow and getting to know him properly because at this point we haven’t spent that much time together. Is this a terrible idea and could it be simply just a matter of him not being interested in me as unfriending me like this is pretty brutal and not nice at all. And again I am just shocked this happened because he literally told me he likes me last night. 

Also the only way I have of reaching out to him is messaging his friend and ask him if he knows if would be willing to talk me. Anyway any advice would be greatly appreciated as this situation has left me very upset. 

 

 

Edited December 10, 2021 by Horses634

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like he has severe anxiety, is socially awkward and just really nervous.  He sounds confused and just not ready.  There's nothing you can do to solve his anxiety, this is just something he is going to have to deal with.  Don't message his friend to try and get in contact with him.  That would be a bit much and almost a little stalkerish.  The guy chose to unfriend you, that was his choice, and he knew you wouldn't be able to contact him by doing that.  If he decides he wants to talk to you, he knows where to find you.  Leave it alone and let him contact you again if he chooses to. 

[basil67]

I agree that his anxiety probably got the better of him. You know how some young women get all caught up with the anxiety of potential pain and put off having sex?  It makes sense that guys could get too much in their own heads too with expectations etc.  

So part of me thinks that it would be really nice if you reached out and said that you're happy to wait till he's ready and that you're OK with taking it slow.  (One 'base' at a time kind of thing).  But the other part of me wonders if his anxieties would drive a partner nuts and you'd spend far too much time reassuring and supporting him.  I guess that only you know the answer to this.  

Did he say why he's worried about his penis?  There seems to be a lot of pressure on guys to measure up in the penis dept (see what I did there)

 

[ccas93]

To me it sounds like he is still a boy, or just have some issues he needs to work on, and has a long way to go before he's sleeping with any girls. Including you. I'd not get too invested in this one kid at all and get to know other guys who are ready and mature enough to have sexual relationships.

Edited December 10, 2021 by ccas93

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Horses634 said:

I want him to know i don’t mind taking things slow and getting to know him properly

Doesn't he already basically know this, though? 

He sounds absolutely not ready for dating or sex. I'm sorry, OP, but I don't think you should contact him. He isn't mature enough to have a proper conversation without unfriending you, so I would let that be my clue that he is not at all on the same page. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Horses634 said:

 he unfriended me on Snapchat . I felt immediately shocked 

He's not interested. It's that simple. Leave him alone. It's not your job to be his sexual teacher. 

Instead start talking to and meeting men who are interested in you.

Do not stalk or chase him. Don't ask friends to stalk and chase on your behalf to circumvent his blocking you.

[glows]

Let things be. It's inappropriate to ask someone else to contact a person who has blocked you or chooses not to speak with you. I'd deal with the shock that you're feeling and let this sink in. You're upset and still in shock. Take a few days to yourself, do nothing but spend time with your loved ones and pamper yourself. Do nothing with this person or about him.

Once the shock subsides, you'll be able to think a bit clearer. You may realize you'd like someone more on the same page as you. Don't take this too personally and let it go. 

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Horses634 said:

But when we would meet up he would bring reasons as to why he could not have sex including him not being shaved. I did not mind this because I liked him and spending time with him but it kind of felt he had a certain pressure to sleep with me probably because he knows I’m more experienced and thought that maybe I had certain expectations from him.

If you thought he felt under pressure why didn't you assure him that you weren't there for sex and to only spend quality time with him?  Why didn't you say something?  Honestly, I don't think that is the real reason he blocked you.  All guys have a 1st time with sex as do women.  They don't just give up because the first time doesn't go right.  He probably wasn't as attracted to you as he was in the beginning so he ended it.  No, do not contact him.

[smackie9]

 

I watched a documentary on mature men that have never had sex. It's really is all about the anxiety/expectation. They come up with excuses over and over. Their friends and family are baffled. I hope this young lad circles back, which I think he will. So relax. He will work on that anxiety, his friends will give him some words to boost his confidence.

[Fox Sake]

This is on him not you. He shouldn’t have invited you to his place. I don’t think he met his own expectations of himself. The longer he waits to lose it , the more of a big deal he will probably make of it too, if the opportunity comes up. … (no pun intended) 

If you do end up seeing each other again, lay off on the making out constantly and go on an actual date somewhere. No wonder there’s pressure when you’re both literally one second away from it actually happening and he doesn’t have a clue what to do. Also assuming you both made moves to kiss? Take that opportunity away if he wants to take it slow and you don’t mind being in control. 

You can reach out to him if you want , if it’s going to make you feel better and give you closure if you get ghosted. Just be aware that you might never get a response, and that will likely hurt and confuse you. So word what you say clearly and carefully and do it for you.  
 

Really tho, given that you actually care about him to some extent, do you wanna try starting something with someone who’s response to an uncomfortable situation or conversation is to delete and ghost? He’s immature in more ways than one. There’s probably a better match out there for you, so I would question deeply and honestly with yourself why you feel the need to change his mind

[Traveller]

I do find fascinating how people base and judge their relations on social media. If you do not know his number, address or email perhaps it wasn't such a big lost.

Regardless if someone cut ties with you it only means one thing, do not waist time on him plenty of people out there you can hang and have a more fruitful relation in the long run.

[jdesey]

How long the world do you not have his phone number? Anyway yes it’s worth reaching out this guy just got totally nervous.