5 Years - Looking for different perspectives

[aekbreak]

Hello all. New to this site. Forgive me for the length but I feel proper perspective comes from detail.

I'm two months out of a 5 year relationship. 

He and I met in Sociology 101 at age 19 in 2016 at a weird point in my life. At the beginning of the semester where I met him, I FINALLY left a 2.5 year horrible high school relationship where I'd been cheated on and destroyed more times than I can count. It was a huge step for me. I jumped into a short relationship with a love-bomber right after this who left me after a month for his best female friend. However, because of this short relationship, I finally found myself. I assimilated into his friend group and made a lot of cool memories, rebuilt my confidence and self respect. The Sociology guy was in the back of my mind the whole time, not as an interest at first, only really speaking through class and grabbing lunch, but I thought he was attractive and funny.

I got his number right at the end of the semester before we parted ways. And then we didn't speak. Until the middle of summer when I sent him a random text asking if he'd signed up for classes yet. That spurred the start of what I'll call the most beautiful thing that's happened to me. By August we were official. Falling in love with him was a slow drip over a few months, but the moment I realised it, there was no looking back. For 5 years he was my rock, the one unmoving thing in this constantly moving world. He mentioned getting married by year 2, when one of his friends got engaged. He was always there for me, through thick and thin, we couldn't keep our hands off each other or go more than three days without seeing each other. He was my taxi before I could drive, I spent 5 vacations with his incredible family, he was terrified of losing me. I can't express how incredible this man is. Surprise flowers, surprise trips, listening to me and taking me to concerts that he KNEW I'd love, and I returned the favor. Countless random walks and playing video games together. His family became my family. We both called it forever. Right before the pandemic, we had opened a joint bank account and started looking at houses. A home to start our lives in, with our planned husky puppy and a million business trips that I'd join him on. Gosh, there were times I felt guilty because he was maybe way more into me than I was him. But thats the nature of a real relationship I think, give and take, because I certainly was head over heels. 

Two years ago, I started gaining weight. At first, it was a great thing. I had been underweight for most of my life due to a medical condition I finally had controlled. But I figured, hell, I'll get it under control. I've never been overweight. But it kept going. And as it kept going, He started voicing concern. Not for the weight but for my health. I wasn't an active person. Hated the gym. But he got me to join his, and I went for maybe a month. He always encouraged me, and throughout the two years I halfheartedly tried countless "diets" and ignored exercise, only joining him every so often. My confidence fell. I stopped feeling worth it. The pandemic exacerbated it. I got laid off from the job I already hated and was stuck in my house due to my condition and due to him begging me to stay home because he couldn't lose me to the virus. We stopped seeing each other as often. He got laid off too and I could tell it affected him, but by this time, I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit to help him.

Early this year, I hit my lowest. 250lbs, over 80lbs overweight, high blood pressure, no confidence, no self-worth, entirely depressed and apathetic. I no longer wanted to leave my house. Sometimes when he invited me over for the weekend, I'd come over for a night and then go back home and hide in my room. I didn't see his family for months at a time, when before it was 4-5 times a week or more. I'd stopped gaming with him and his friends because I was too low to allow myself to look like a fool when I was bad. I stopped applying for jobs and a lot of our conversations were just me complaining about how much I hated my job. He carried all our weight. I didn't notice. He'd never leave me, right? The love in his eyes was too strong. I'd sort myself out eventually.

He left me on October 7th. Three days before, I was at a wonderful wedding shower with his mom and grandmother for his godmother and everything seemed fine, his family was none the wiser. Right before I turned 24. He said he just didn't know if we were right anymore and he didn't know if his feelings were the same. He cared and loved me as a person but it was time to go seperate ways. I was blindsided at the time, because he didn't really communicate he was unhappy. That was his mistake. I think it was because he always wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt but it was still a mistake.

I didn't really beg, but as I analysed everything and dealt with this wake up call, I tried for a month and a half to get him to reconsider. In these two months since I've lost 25lbs (over this year in total, I've lost 35, but 25 in this time frame.). Been to the gym every. Single. Day. Since October 11th. Of course I love it now, I realised how much it would have changed things had I just committed two years ago. It prevents me from being pissed at work all the time and makes me feel so great and accomplished. I got a psychologist, finally. I've sent out 200 job applications and I'm looking every other day for more. Nothing yet but more responses at least! I'm happy again, the way I was two years ago. But he's convinced in his decision.

We spoke here and there after that, he was friendly sometimes and other times completely shut off. Told me he'd not want to block me or cut me out completely but he didn't want to keep discussing the relationship. Told me about how he'd hurt himself at work and we talked about that for a few messages back and forth. At first he was very final and said never again, but after I sent him a final letter a few weeks ago with everything I'd analysed about our relationship and what could so easily be fixed, it was less final. He said he wouldn't be opposed to trying again down the line but for now, we have to go seperate ways. Said he'd always be there if I had a workout question. The next time I texted him I discovered I was blocked. His unused Facebook account suddenly reactivated, though, so I know he was still checking up on me. I decided to deactivate social media for a week to detox and get my head right, and a day later his old Discord account popped online. Never communicating but he was online just about every night after that. I'd committed to no-contact until this past Monday, when I learned his cat passed suddenly. Reached out through Instagram to give condolences and offer a chat if he needed a friend. He thanked me and now I'm blocked there too. 

I suppose I'm just scratching my head with this one. Some of the things I've analysed (I'm an analytical kind of person, I can't help it, anything that doesn't make sense I try and make sense out of.) perhaps we had gotten to a point where his family was wondering when he'd propose, especially with an important wedding happening this November in his family, and it caused it. Or a mix of everything, the pandemic, job stress, pressure, my issues. Guess I'm looking at perspectives on what people think. It really was a great relationship. And I miss him horribly. But I'm doing better I suppose. 

Edited December 10, 2021 by aekbreak
wording + addition

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, aekbreak said:

I can't help it, anything that doesn't make sense I try and make sense out of.) perhaps we had gotten to a point where his family was wondering when he'd propose, especially with an important wedding happening this November in his family, and it caused it.

The break up - he broke up because you were no longer the person he fell in love with and him being only 22/23 he was too young and inexperienced to deal with your mental issues so he broke up which is understandable.

The blocking - I think he put you on block because he is seeing someone else and doesn't want to cheat on her or get involved with you and end up hurting you.

Congratulations on getting your life back together with the job searches and losing the weight.  I'm glad you are doing it for you and not to get him back.

Edited December 10, 2021 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, aekbreak said:

Early this year, I hit my lowest. 250lbs, over 80lbs overweight, high blood pressure, no confidence, no self-worth, entirely depressed and apathetic. I no longer wanted to leave my house. Sometimes when he invited me over for the weekend, I'd come over for a night and then go back home

He left me on October 7th. The next time I texted him I discovered I was blocked. . He thanked me and now I'm blocked there too. 

Sorry this happened. Good you are taking care of your physical and mental health. Make sure you follow up with your physicians, psychiatrist and psychologist.

Unfortunately it's painful to standby helplessly while someone self-destructs with severe untreated depression/mood disorders.

If it took him leaving and blocking as the wake up call, that's ok.

Stop contacting him. There's too much bad water under the bridge and he may have begun thinking of others because of your untreated issues and withdrawal.

Edited December 10, 2021 by Wiseman2

[aekbreak]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Congratulations on getting your life back together with the job searches and losing the weight.

Thank you. It started as partially for him but it certainly is for me now. I appreciate you reading and giving your perspective. 

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Good you are taking care of your physical and mental health. Make sure you follow up with your physicians, psychiatrist and psychologist.

Thank you. It was well needed. Haven't missed a day at the gym and it feels quite good. 

I'd be a liar if I didn't have hope for a future rekindling, it was a good relationship and other than my changes, I think he has his own maturing to do too. Appreciate your perspectives. 

[glows]

Firstly, you're only two months out of a five year relationship and you sound so in tune with yourself and are already making such positive steps forward. Well done to you and continue on this path for better health and peace of mind. 

It's too soon to think about rekindling. Most people hang onto version of reconciliation later on down the line because they are also working through the emotions of a break up. I think he blocked you to give himself space and not to lead you on. You seem to be looking out for signs of him on social media wherever he might have once been present and this is a blessing in disguise that he's no longer around for you to keep checking on him or vice versa. 

Keep moving forwards and centering more of that focus on your health and your future goals and employment.