Cultivating a Better Environment

[czanclus]

I'm a middle aged woman, still dreaming it's not too late to secure a decently paying full time job after 5 years of part-time stitchwork and gigs. You can laugh at me later, but in the interim, I was wondering if you can help with the perspective. Honesty is golden, kindness preferred, but only if not at the expense of honesty...

Anyway, one of my part-time jobs entails tutoring sessions at a strip-mall type of center, which is a one-way hour long drive from my home. I get notified the night before the next day what my schedule will be, and of course on my end I am expected to have consistent availability myself at their disposal throughout the year. I had the schedule set up from 9 am to 3 pm on a Saturday (with a laughable 20 minute, but paid, lunch break) given to me on Friday evening. As I'm pulling into the parking lot, about 15 minutes before my shift's start, I get notified that I actually won't have any work between 11 am and 1 pm, with the obligatory 'sorry' pleasantry. I am not paid to sit idly and wait for the 1 pm session due to the last minute client cancellation, of course. I acknowledge the message and beggingly ask them to see if the 1 pm students can be moved to the 11 am slot (knowing that it's unlikely, and suspecting, though I could be wrong, that they wouldn't so much as to bother asking). The answer is of course 'sorry, but no, they cannot be moved.' I ask beggingly and politely again if it would be possible to move one student to virtual mode since the other is in virtual mode, so I can go home and tutor both virtually just for today's session indicating I have nothing to do stranded at the strip mall in a remote suburb. The answer is 'so sorry again, but no, but we can find some [less paid by 50%] admin work for you to do.' I quietly acquiesce with the change in schedule, berating myself internally for being at the mercy of this utterly employee insensitive 'policy'. The clock strikes 10 am, and an admin walks in to tell me that 'sorry, your 10 am session is also cancelled. Sorry.' At that point, I just hit the limit of my restraint, walk over to her and say: 'here's what's going to happen. I'm going to go home now. If the 1 pm student can join virtually, please have them do so. If the boss has any problems with this, please have them call me. If the boss wants to fire me for my act of leaving, I don't care. I have spoken my truth, thank you.' And I go back and start packing my stuff to leave.

A few minutes later, in audible range of making phone calls and probably consulting with one of the higher managers, she walks in to tell me that I can leave and the 1 pm student will join virtually. She proceeds to tell me that she didn't appreciate my tone of voice as she didn't know the schedule. I at that time sincerely apologize to her for my 'tone' (but mostly for burdening her with my plan of action and lack of bother to the consequence of being let go when she is mostly just a messenger) and I thank her again for taking steps to modify the arrangements.

It's been a week since the incident, and she has not said hello or good bye to me (as in has declined to acknowledge my 'good morning' and 'good bye' with a courteous response back). What is the matter in this picture?

[I mean, OK, deep down, I get it, the joke's on me, welcome to the gig economy world... I brought this upon myself for lack of social skills and vigilant networking, but my job is a noble job. I take pride in what I do, and I do it well. I feel like I have brought this issue up numerous times, discussed it with other tutors, think it's incredibly unfair and disrespectful to us to be treated so obviously disposable, when we are people with at least bachelors degrees and more often higher levels of education.]

Thank you, sincerely, for your input.

Edited December 11, 2021 by czanclus

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, czanclus said:

I'm a middle aged woman, still dreaming it's not too late to secure a decently paying full time job after 5 years of part-time stitchwork and gigs.

Not sure wat stichwork is, but draw on your education, skills and experience to write up a good resume.

Get on LinkedIn. List your schools, jobs, experience and skills. Also some volunteer work or interests you have. Join some groups (professional or interests) on there.

Upload your contact list see if anyone you know is on there to "connect" to. Also look up schools and classmates as well as former work places and coworkers. "Connect" to them as well.

 Also check out some other employment sites. See what's out there so you can plan ahead.

Edited December 11, 2021 by Wiseman2

[glows]

I’m not laughing at all and I empathize with you. I did something similar for a while some years ago. I was an examiner for a series of exams for language proficiency. The set up was different but also at the mercy of cancellations and scheduling. This was a side gig though. Someone at my firm mentioned his wife working there and they needed another examiner. This isn’t my line of work so I was happy to oblige or fill in. It was more of a break than anything or something different and I ended up enjoying it. I did it for about three years. 

Let this issue blow over in the office. Although I think you overreacted i think you might have also been really stressed with the job search and disliking the way they treat you with the short breaks. 

Try approaching the office earlier next time or getting to know the managers who create the schedules. I usually was able to move candidates that way. It’s more likely the other employee is uncomfortable around you, not doing it to make you more upset or to be intentionally offensive. Stay cordial and polite with everyone. Unfortunately I don’t think these kinds of gigs are reliable. Are you sending out resumes for other teaching positions? 

 

 

[czanclus]

Thank you for the reply, Wiseman2. The text editor wasn't sure what 'stitchwork' is either. It's when you try to pretend you have a middle class job by stitching together multiple jobs to accomplish the salary range of one good full-time job. Is "patchwork' maybe more familiar to the native English speaking population?

Yes, I already am on LinkedIn, as in there is a profile there with the most updated version of a decent resume. All the skills/experience and recent credentials are listed. Volunteering has not been possible as I had no such luxury in the past years, but something to consider going forward if a job is not in the cards from my current set of skills/experience.

Former workplaces and coworkers... not applicable in my case because I'm looking to do something different from what I was doing in my prior years and what I went to school for. It could be all a pipedream, and my positivity on the outcome a toxic one.

Anyway, speaking of toxic, if I understand your sentiment correctly, the takeaway is to get my life in order so I can walk out of my current toxic job place ASAP? Definitely taking this into advisement.

[czanclus]

1 hour ago, glows said:

This was a side gig though. Someone at my firm mentioned his wife working there and they needed another examiner. This isn’t my line of work so I was happy to oblige or fill in. It was more of a break than anything or something different and I ended up enjoying it. I did it for about three years. 

Likewise here, but admittedly with 34 hours per week during the summer, and 24 hours now, I suppose it is coming to be more than a gig. I did speak to the boss and ask for reduced hours with the intent (didn't mention that part to them of course) to use the extra time to position myself for better opportunities - if any are available. I shouldn't be cynical from the get-go, people around me think highly of my intellect and I do have a pretty strong work ethic. My other (part-time) job, I'm happy with the terms/schedule/work environment/compensation, but I still feel behind in terms of nest egg savings and general savings.

 

1 hour ago, glows said:

Let this issue blow over in the office. Although I think you overreacted i think you might have also been really stressed with the job search and disliking the way they treat you with the short breaks. 

OK. Hopefully the admin stops hating me. If needed I can reiterate that it was not her fault (though truthfully if she was doing her job right, she would have been well aware of cancellations much sooner). I just dread going into a place where even the basic courtesy of greeting is not observed. Yes, I was definitely stressed out, but this is not a one off, this is an ongoing issue, and part of the reason that summer was a disaster in terms of more than half of staff walking out and forcing a week long closure of the center to regroup, and the boss' frantic scrambling to get new tutors and admins, is the lax treatment we get. It seems that clients can just cancel at the spur of the moment with no consequences, since the tutor is an idle puppet waiting to be summoned for services. It's downright offensive. Also, I didn't mean to imply that people *without* college degrees are more deserving of being treated like disposable waste, quite the contrary. 

The breaks themselves are ridiculous. Mondays through Fridays for example, you get NO FOOD BREAKS for 6 hours straight! Is that even legal? I mean you can chomp while you're teaching, they'll turn a blind eye to that, but it's just unsightly and lacks professionalism. I admit to taking these liberties as, no offense, but the whole intermittent fasting (that they may well be implying is part of the job description) band wagon is foreign to me, and I cannot just stop eating food at 3 pm and revisit the meal consumption the next day's morning.

1 hour ago, glows said:

Try approaching the office earlier next time or getting to know the managers who create the schedules. I usually was able to move candidates that way. It’s more likely the other employee is uncomfortable around you, not doing it to make you more upset or to be intentionally offensive. Stay cordial and polite with everyone. Unfortunately I don’t think these kinds of gigs are reliable. Are you sending out resumes for other teaching positions? 

This issue has been brought up (by me), and the boss and I have so far had a pretty good rapport. It's just that she and people under her are willfully deaf to the concerns. Other tutors have spoken about this as well. It's totally ridiculous because for practically all other services (hair appointment, pedicure, massage, personal trainer, you name it), if you as a client cancel last minute, you get charged. That hair stylist blocked off a time for you to be there and them to work, turning down other clients, of course you should get charged, at least unless they are gracious enough to reschedule. The student should get charged if they cancel within 24 hours of a scheduled session time. That way there's accountability, and we tutors get paid. I've even said that it's OK to send me home sooner, or have me come later just don't make me wait 2 or 3 hours on the site... even that really shouldn't be OK because I could have scheduled other clients had I known I wouldn't be working here.

But yes, it's high time to move on. I should rush to end enabling this humiliating disrespect of my time and talents.

Thank you, glows, for your reply.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, czanclus said:

But yes, it's high time to move on. I should rush to end enabling this humiliating disrespect of my time and talents.

Not sure where you live but in general the labour market is very tight (i.e. way more jobs than people), so staying in a mediocre job isn't necessary at all. You can probably do a quick job search and find something better pretty quickly.

[glows]

14 hours ago, czanclus said:

Likewise here, but admittedly with 34 hours per week during the summer, and 24 hours now, I suppose it is coming to be more than a gig. I did speak to the boss and ask for reduced hours with the intent (didn't mention that part to them of course) to use the extra time to position myself for better opportunities - if any are available. I shouldn't be cynical from the get-go, people around me think highly of my intellect and I do have a pretty strong work ethic. My other (part-time) job, I'm happy with the terms/schedule/work environment/compensation, but I still feel behind in terms of nest egg savings and general savings.

 

OK. Hopefully the admin stops hating me. If needed I can reiterate that it was not her fault (though truthfully if she was doing her job right, she would have been well aware of cancellations much sooner). I just dread going into a place where even the basic courtesy of greeting is not observed. Yes, I was definitely stressed out, but this is not a one off, this is an ongoing issue, and part of the reason that summer was a disaster in terms of more than half of staff walking out and forcing a week long closure of the center to regroup, and the boss' frantic scrambling to get new tutors and admins, is the lax treatment we get. It seems that clients can just cancel at the spur of the moment with no consequences, since the tutor is an idle puppet waiting to be summoned for services. It's downright offensive. Also, I didn't mean to imply that people *without* college degrees are more deserving of being treated like disposable waste, quite the contrary. 

The breaks themselves are ridiculous. Mondays through Fridays for example, you get NO FOOD BREAKS for 6 hours straight! Is that even legal? I mean you can chomp while you're teaching, they'll turn a blind eye to that, but it's just unsightly and lacks professionalism. I admit to taking these liberties as, no offense, but the whole intermittent fasting (that they may well be implying is part of the job description) band wagon is foreign to me, and I cannot just stop eating food at 3 pm and revisit the meal consumption the next day's morning.

This issue has been brought up (by me), and the boss and I have so far had a pretty good rapport. It's just that she and people under her are willfully deaf to the concerns. Other tutors have spoken about this as well. It's totally ridiculous because for practically all other services (hair appointment, pedicure, massage, personal trainer, you name it), if you as a client cancel last minute, you get charged. That hair stylist blocked off a time for you to be there and them to work, turning down other clients, of course you should get charged, at least unless they are gracious enough to reschedule. The student should get charged if they cancel within 24 hours of a scheduled session time. That way there's accountability, and we tutors get paid. I've even said that it's OK to send me home sooner, or have me come later just don't make me wait 2 or 3 hours on the site... even that really shouldn't be OK because I could have scheduled other clients had I known I wouldn't be working here.

But yes, it's high time to move on. I should rush to end enabling this humiliating disrespect of my time and talents.

Thank you, glows, for your reply.

It’s hard to feel good about working at a place like this when you feel so undervalued and unappreciated. Do you think it’s wise to reduce your hours without something else lined up? Have you thought of applying or inquiring with another agency/organization? 

[czanclus]

On 12/12/2021 at 12:37 PM, Weezy1973 said:

Not sure where you live but in general the labour market is very tight (i.e. way more jobs than people), so staying in a mediocre job isn't necessary at all. You can probably do a quick job search and find something better pretty quickly.

Hi, I live in the Chicago metropolitan area. My specific handicap is that I have an engineering background by education, but washed out (by ~choice) from the field coming in on 6 years ago, and switched to part-time education, without having bothered to get more schooling (gasp! more student loans 😱) and a teaching license. So my options are limited, but not non-existing, luckily. In a nutshell, I'm not a top choice candidate for either profession on aggregate. It also doesn't help that I am bad at selling myself. I in fact almost self-sabotage with my snarkasm when it comes to the point of touting my 'phenomenal skills and abilities' on any given sales pitch... I mean, interview. But yeah, maybe this 'tight market' feature somehow trickles down to my own situation. Let's at least try to last through January with my positive Polly attitude resolution.

As for 'better pretty quickly', I can certainly do a lateral move on a drive-by introduction any given lunch hour, my atrocious extroverted selling skills (or substantial lack thereof) notwithstanding. That I know. But would that new job be necessarily better and how? Not to bore you with the "already been in that movie" details. If this was an easy straightforward decision, I would have seen to it that my position changes.

[ ] The whole issue is that the truly better options, absent mad luck, need some superposition of connections, cunning insight, or sorely undervalued skill that is then intentionally advertised, maybe with the help of a highly competent and caring career coach (they run $250 a pop, I hear, for a minimum package of 4 sessions).

Edited December 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[czanclus]

On 12/13/2021 at 12:13 AM, glows said:

It’s hard to feel good about working at a place like this when you feel so undervalued and unappreciated. Do you think it’s wise to reduce your hours without something else lined up? Have you thought of applying or inquiring with another agency/organization? 

[ ] 

Do I think it's wise? It's a relative concept, and I am not quitting tomorrow or in the next few weeks for certain. My other (let's call it 'main') job provides, luckily, enough income to clear all monthly bills and have a little bit left for cushion. Obviously, more income is better, but the reason I would leave that job is to free up time to look for that more grateful job, and to further motivate myself to not give in to complacency and cynicism. These are states of mind that I struggle with a lot. Am I missing something? Would most people find this move, in the context that I described, capricious and thoughtless?

2) What are my other options? I just don't have the energy to both work a 60 hour work-week and look for a job on the side (networking included). Would other, more socially well adapted people push themselves harder? Pull all-nighters? Drink endless amounts of coffee? Other 'tricks'? 

Edited December 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reference to hidden content

[basil67]

@czanclus  The reason most people look for a new job before reducing hours/quitting their old job is because they can't afford to go without an income.  It's just a basic practicality of keeping a roof over one's head.    But if you have sufficient savings to tide you over during any period of lower employment/unemployment, then by all means, drop your hours or quit altogether. 

My husband has done both 'quit and find a new job' and 'find a new job then quit' over the years.  The time he quit before finding a new job, it did take him a few months to find a new one, so make sure that's part of your financial equation.

 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, czanclus said:

 motivate myself to not give in to complacency and cynicism. These are states of mind that I struggle with a lot. 

Complacency and cynicism are self-defeating behaviors. They are counterproductive. Usually borne of concurrent anger and helplessness.

Seething with resentment and being flippant won't solve your distress.

Why not be proactive in your own work satisfaction?

That means getting your resume updated and out there. Take some classes and courses to enhance your skills.

Improve your LinkedIn profile. There's a lot you can do, if you change your attitude and approach instead of maintaining a victim mentality and staying stuck.

[czanclus]

On 12/16/2021 at 5:10 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Complacency and cynicism are self-defeating behaviors. They are counterproductive. Usually borne of concurrent anger and helplessness.

Seething with resentment and being flippant won't solve your distress.

Guilty of all, and not proud. But also, forgiving of my resentments up to a point. To 'unhelp' things further, I didn't realize how hard I've had it in life until much later when I encountered other people and their 'life stories', and that made me even more angry at the injustice. I wish I could adopt a belief that everything happens for a reason, and that I am a better person for it, but it's a fruitless struggle, and so - like I said - I forgive myself for just perpetually living with that undercurrent of bitterness. 

While seething to whichever extent won't solve my distress, part of the resentment also comes from the recollection of instances in which I dismissed all my fears and resignations and adopted the most positive attitude I could muster - only to realize through this grueling process that 1) my closest people pitied me and secretly laughed at my lack of prudence, 2) nothing got substantially better. I just, in this self-created swamp of toxic positivity, got to accept my - from the outsider's perspective - utterly sad compromise of a situation. People around me who were 'thirsty', who refused to settle and/or find good things about what they had, who let that acute dissatisfaction and anger fuel them towards success, even while they screamed their way through the torment, made it much farther in life than I. It's as if I was always afraid to get too unhappy, too unhinged, lest it trigger something inside me and pushes me mentally over the edge. Maybe for that, what I have now is the best that someone with my mental constitution can ever hope to have. Maybe in that odd community of smart and hard-working, but nearly insane people teetering on the precipice of functionality and sound mind, I'm a hero. Well, perhaps with this acknowledgement and acceptance of my hero medal, I can at least hope for less distress.

 

[Taramere]

On 12/15/2021 at 3:41 PM, czanclus said:

I just don't have the energy to both work a 60 hour work-week and look for a job on the side (networking included). Would other, more socially well adapted people push themselves harder? Pull all-nighters? Drink endless amounts of coffee? Other 'tricks'? 

There's a cliche about not working harder so much as working smarter....but when you're putting all your energy into desperately treading water as you're doing right now, I think it's certainly difficult to get to that place.  Rather than consulting with some bright eyed, bushy tailed young career consultant who might given you a ton of advice that just feels unrealistic right now, I think your first stop should be your doctor.  I''m assuming you'll at least have some time off over the Christmas period?  That's a good time to recharge and think of a more realistic approach, encompassing good self care.

One of the main problems standing out for me is the uncertainty of this schedule, cancellations, your time being wasted - and the inevitable feeling of being undervalued that this leaves you with - compounding what sounds like a long term low self esteem issue.

Quote

 

The clock strikes 10 am, and an admin walks in to tell me that 'sorry, your 10 am session is also cancelled. Sorry.' At that point, I just hit the limit of my restraint, walk over to her and say: 'here's what's going to happen. I'm going to go home now. If the 1 pm student can join virtually, please have them do so. If the boss has any problems with this, please have them call me. If the boss wants to fire me for my act of leaving, I don't care. I have spoken my truth, thank you.' And I go back and start packing my stuff to leave.

A few minutes later, in audible range of making phone calls and probably consulting with one of the higher managers, she walks in to tell me that I can leave and the 1 pm student will join virtually. She proceeds to tell me that she didn't appreciate my tone of voice as she didn't know the schedule. I at that time sincerely apologize to her for my 'tone' (but mostly for burdening her with my plan of action and lack of bother to the consequence of being let go when she is mostly just a messenger) and I thank her again for taking steps to modify the arrangements.

It's been a week since the incident, and she has not said hello or good bye to me (as in has declined to acknowledge my 'good morning' and 'good bye' with a courteous response back). What is the matter in this picture?

 

Your time has been wasted, you've been left feeling tired and disrespected by the organisation you're dependent upon for your income - and that's a stressful place to be in.  You've tried to play along nicely, all the time bottling up your understandable feelings of anger about it - and then it came out in an inappropriate "I don't care if I burn my bridges here, I'm speaking my truth" outburst that has resulted in a further breakdown in an already poor working relationship with your manager. It's a response to conflict that a lot of people have had experience of at some point. I've both been guilty of it myself and I've also been on the receiving end of it from others.  Sometimes it can be salvaged, sometimes it can't be. 

The danger is that in trying to salvage things you can end up overcompensating with apologies for the anger while the other person takes no responsibility at all...and then the cycle begins again.  The cycle, that is, of letting things bottle up because you find it difficult/feel powerless to assert yourself in a particular situation then eventually blowing up with rage and burning your bridges.  Sitting down with a career coach and fixing your resume isn't necessarily going to produce significant long term benefits if you don't fix the problems underlying poor conflict management. 

It's obviously not appropriate to tell your manager "here's how it's going to be!"  but you know that already, so there's no need for me to labour that point.  It would, however, be perfectly appropriate for you to acknowledge that your outburst was unproductive then say something along the lines of  "the way things are working at the moment is resulting in me sacrificing time that I don't get paid for.  Could we make a time to talk?"   I know there are some managers who have their own personal issues and who are too egotistical to cope when junior colleagues assert themselves in a perfectly reasonable way.  I don't know if your manager is like that, but the fact that she's handling this situation by completely blanking you now suggests that there are conflict management problems on both sides here. 

In a situation like that, where you're on the wrong end of a power imbalance with somebody who isn't handling a conflict well, it's very easy to feel overwhelmed by how unfair it all is...but if you can breathe through it and remain calm and courteous then that's a very valuable thing for you to take away as a reminder that conflict with somebody who has the power advantage over you, who isn't handling their power advantage maturely or fairly, needn't be a terrifying, traumatising thing for you.

Hopefully you have time off over the Christmas holidays, and I'd suggest taking the time to practice self care.  I've found yoga a very powerful tool for helping me to manage stress.  However, it's ancillary tool rather than a cure all and it's not a fix for one of the main presenting problems here, which seems to be that self denigration is your go to approach for managing all sorts of difficult situations...and while there are some people who might be charmed by that, it can also result in people walking over you a bit and becoming outraged when you dare to demand the respect you deserve and need in order to function properly in your job.

There is an online course I did a while back called "Beating the Blues" which is a medically accredited online cognitive behavioural therapy course.  A sort of second best thing to having an actual cognitive behavioural therapist.  Where I live, it's available through the National Health Service.  You would probably have to pay for it but I very much doubt it's as expensive as even one session with a career coach would be.  I think you might benefit from cognitive behaviour therapy since it's fairly obvious that you have thinking habits that work against you.  Here's an overview of cbt

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/overview/

 

 

 

[czanclus]

12 hours ago, Taramere said:

Rather than consulting with some bright eyed, bushy tailed young career consultant who might given you a ton of advice that just feels unrealistic right now, I think your first stop should be your doctor.

My career coach? I wouldn't say she was much younger than me, bushy-tailed and bright-eyed as she might have been. It wasn't unrealistic advice, and the motivation was there, but up to a level... or maybe I should call it a 'sub-level'. I did end up claiming a small hourly raise in part thanks to her coaching. Not sure to whom the "your doctor" refers, but I am not seeing anyone for ostensibly serious mental issues (OCD, anxiety, depression, possible Asperger's high-functioning spectrum) let alone all the underlying 'trauma' of parental dysfunction during adolescence and struggling myself through barely middle class life without any substantial improvement of the status for decades. I tried online therapy and it was, being of thin capacity and tolerance for incompetence, a trauma unto itself. I understand that society deems mental therapy essential for people in distress, but I wouldn't even know where to start to get quality treatment. What I encountered through this website for therapy made me even more angry and hopeless.

 

12 hours ago, Taramere said:

Your time has been wasted, you've been left feeling tired and disrespected by the organisation you're dependent upon for your income - and that's a stressful place to be in. 

I appreciate your acknowledgement of this. I kept telling myself that it's what so many other people endure as well, and that the mature thing to do is grin and bear it like 'everyone else'. I've been conditioned to believe that it's bad everywhere and that I'm just adding to the agony by shifting from company to company when it's all the same disrespect and maltreatment. And I thought nearly *everyone* who works is there because they are dependent upon the income the job provides. Sure seems like there are much more people with hobby jobs out there than I ever realized.

 

12 hours ago, Taramere said:

You've tried to play along nicely, all the time bottling up your understandable feelings of anger about it - and then it came out in an inappropriate "I don't care if I burn my bridges here, I'm speaking my truth" outburst that has resulted in a further breakdown in an already poor working relationship with your manager. It's a response to conflict that a lot of people have had experience of at some point. I've both been guilty of it myself and I've also been on the receiving end of it from others.  Sometimes it can be salvaged, sometimes it can't be. 

Yes, exactly, I played nice. I retrospectively, honestly, don't even see that I could've done anything different, other than perhaps simply tell the front desk person as I was leaving: "I will be leaving now. I will notify the boss of this by phone. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause." And at this point, this week, this day, it *has* blown over. They've in fact called me last week way before my schedule for the next day was due to notify me of it and to emphasize that they would like for me to know ahead of time so I can plan appropriately. I was highly appreciative of the gesture and expressed as much. Truth be told, this should be normal operating protocol, but either way - I am beyond capable of giving people credit for steps in the right direction. I feel on my behalf that I'm continually surrounded by those that fall by leaps in that regard: no credit/acknowledgement of any progress, it's bottom line or bust. It's very toxic and hurtful.

 

12 hours ago, Taramere said:

It would, however, be perfectly appropriate for you to acknowledge that your outburst was unproductive then say something along the lines of  "the way things are working at the moment is resulting in me sacrificing time that I don't get paid for.  Could we make a time to talk?"

True, but as I noted earlier, "this movie has already premiered" ... and replayed. This 'could we have a time to talk?' talk has taken place by me years ago, and by other tutors, some at the time of the talk much less gracious in their tone of voice. It wasn't just some one-off incident of crossed wires, passive scheduling, overt disregard enveiled in 'sorry' pleasantries... It was just a one too many of these that made me 'flip the gasket'. Though it's certainly not in my interest to show any emotion that disagrees with the pleasantry front, when someone's had enough, they've had it. For what it's worth, I was NOT bluffing. Had she called me to say I needn't concern myself with the affairs of the company any longer, I would have said 'and thank you for the opportunity to serve you for the past 5 years. Good luck and best in all.

 

12 hours ago, Taramere said:

In a situation like that, where you're on the wrong end of a power imbalance with somebody who isn't handling a conflict well, it's very easy to feel overwhelmed by how unfair it all is...but if you can breathe through it and remain calm and courteous then that's a very valuable thing for you to take away as a reminder that conflict with somebody who has the power advantage over you, who isn't handling their power advantage maturely or fairly, needn't be a terrifying, traumatising thing for you.

This is great to keep advice in mind in the future where a job might be of essential importance. Then go home, punch a pillow or five, scream in the shower, take a meditative walk and reflect on wherein the madness lies if I'm putting up with the abuse of work, and whether keeping eyes on the prize is worth it. Like I said, I was over it that Saturday morning.

 

12 hours ago, Taramere said:

Hopefully you have time off over the Christmas holidays, and I'd suggest taking the time to practice self care.  I've found yoga a very powerful tool for helping me to manage stress.  However, it's ancillary tool rather than a cure all and it's not a fix for one of the main presenting problems here, which seems to be that self denigration is your go to approach for managing all sorts of difficult situations...and while there are some people who might be charmed by that, it can also result in people walking over you a bit and becoming outraged when you dare to demand the respect you deserve and need in order to function properly in your job.

If you are not a professional counselor, consider becoming one. 🙂 No, seriously. What you've written here has helped me more than all the advice and official therapy I've received so far combined. As it happens, I've summoned my wits (though it took some focused self-control) and I've carved out almost 30 days of 12 hours per week of work tops. I've been (in baby steps) making efforts to overcome my discomfort with changes, processing new scenarios, new prospective jobs, convincing myself I'm worth an improvement. I walked my dog today for two hours (interspersed with fetching session or he wouldn't be having it, heh) and almost audibly thought to myself, so that I am really flushing out the premises running through my head. It's a struggle, I get self-deprecating, I rationalize the bejesus out of my choices and situation, but little flashes of vision forward occur sporadically, and I hope that as I force my thoughts through this more positive rationalization, I'll reach a belief that I can find a better compensated job where I really feel like I'm making a difference for someone that cares. We'll see how the month unfolds.

I will take a look at the link now. Thank you immensely for the time to read and your feedback. 

[Taramere]

11 hours ago, czanclus said:

I walked my dog today for two hours (interspersed with fetching session or he wouldn't be having it, heh) and almost audibly thought to myself, so that I am really flushing out the premises running through my head. It's a struggle, I get self-deprecating, I rationalize the bejesus out of my choices and situation, but little flashes of vision forward occur sporadically, and I hope that as I force my thoughts through this more positive rationalization, I'll reach a belief that I can find a better compensated job where I really feel like I'm making a difference for someone that cares. We'll see how the month unfolds.

I will take a look at the link now. Thank you immensely for the time to read and your feedback. 

You're welcome, and thanks for the appreciation.  Dogs - and animals generally - are amazing for reminding you to live in the moment.  They're also good at letting you know where you're going right and wrong in terms of body language and how to assert yourself.  And of course, the unconditional love.

I do hope the link is helpful.  It's not necessarily that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy will tell you anything you don't already know (and I think that might be one of its problems in that it can seem a bit offputtingly simplistic), but it's more about pushing you to use that knowledge in a practical way in your own life.  However, one of the more serious weaknesses in CBT is that it doesn't always taken negative external factors into account.  So for instance, a few years ago I was working for an incredibly toxic small family firm.  Small family operated concerns can be great to work for if the family is a well functioning one, but in this particular case there was an almost pathological bullying reaction towards anything the family members regarded as remotely "snowflakey".  I'm not too bad at holding my own around people like that, and when I joined there were a couple of people who - while not exactly standing up to the boss, showed disapproval here and there for her bullying tendencies. 

But then another, worse, family member joined.  Her attitude and behaviour proved to be the breaking point for a couple of long standing members of staff. Another member of staff joined.  She was one of these suck ups who spends her life snooping on other staff and encouraging the boss to sack other people at a moment's notice.  I was presented with a bizarre contract which nobody in their right mind would agree to sign, so I left too.  My doctor had been urging me to leave for years.  Lots of people (including professional trainers on Continuing Professional Development courses I attended) had been urging me to leave for years.   I just didn't feel anybody else would want to employ me.   I'd been for a couple of interviews which I left with the distinct impression of the interviewers being strongly underwhelmed by me - and that compounded my "I'm unemployable" feeling.

I'm not a professional counsellor (thanks for the comments though - and yeah, I'd love to be one).  The profession I was working in has plenty of nice/okay people in it, but it also has more than the average level of psychopaths.  When you're dealing with somebody who's pretty far along on the psychopath scale, something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can actually start to feel insulting because it carries that sense of "things will improve when you change your thinking patterns" when the reality may be that you're stuck in a pretty toxic situation that isn't going to change simply because you change your thinking patterns. 

For me, I was in a job where if I tried to pull myself away from catastrophising, magnifying and other sorts of thinking behaviours that CBT tries to discourage, my boss berate and bully me for not engaging in these unhealthy thinking practices.  If I wasn't visibly panicking, showing anxiety etc then she'd berate me for not showing enough of a sense of urgency.  While my GP suggested CBT counselling, I rejected it.  I'd previously been to a CBT counsellor who clearly had no grounding in any other counselling approaches, was overwhelmed by what I was dealing with in my occupation and handled it by pulling me away from talking about anything she didn't feel equipped to handle or "fix".  What, I wondered, would be the point in me having an hour with somebody who was telling me not to catastrophise when I'd be returning straight after that session to a workplace where I would be yelled at if I didn't catastrophise?

So when you say my post helped you more than any counsellor you've seen, while I really appreciate that compliment it also leaves me feeling concerned about the quality of professional counselling that's out there for people.  It's easier for a counsellor to dismiss a client as treatment-resistant or failing to use counselling sessions effectively than to consider the possibility that they don't have enough knowledge or passion for their chosen profession, or haven't self examined thoroughly enough, to be of much assistance to people who are in a real bind.  

Much in your posts suggests to me that you have a lot of self awareness.  Self deprecation is clearly a theme, and one a lot of people can probably relate to.  Cognitive Behavioural Therapy tells us to catch ourselves doing it and stop doing it.  To replace the self deprecating thought with a healthier one.  Which is a sound approach, but it doesn't really address the thorny question of why a person engages in self deprecating behaviour in the first place.  Where I live, a lot of CBT therapists are nurses who have undergone a training course in CBT - which is seen as a quick, effective fix for people suffering from anxiety.  CBT therapists who lack a strong grounding in psychodynamic theory probably aren't going to have the desire (nor the time) to go into why a client engages in self destructive behaviours.  If they try to explore that, maybe they'll face a telling off from a line manager for departing from their remit.  But I'm not sure how effective a long term fix CBT is if it doesn't also provide room for clients to explore and understand why they engage in certain behaviours.

Since self deprecation seems to be such a central theme for you my question for you would be...what positives do you see, or have you learned in the past, about self deprecating behaviour that would keep you engaged in it?

[ShyViolet]

I'm a teacher too.  Many moons ago, I left New York to move in with a boyfriend in a Chicago suburb and I didn't have a job lined up out there.... I took a part-time gig tutoring at a Sylvan Learning Center in a strip mall.  Your situation sounds very similar to mine.  Honestly, that type of job isn't going to provide you the fulfillment or quality work environment that you're looking for.  It's an hourly part-time job, no benefits, no job security.  The nature of the work isn't going to change.  You really do just need to focus on moving on from there and finding yourself a better job.  I know this is a lot easier said than done.  Just keep at it.

[czanclus]

On 12/22/2021 at 5:24 AM, Taramere said:

So when you say my post helped you more than any counsellor you've seen, while I really appreciate that compliment it also leaves me feeling concerned about the quality of professional counselling that's out there for people.  It's easier for a counsellor to dismiss a client as treatment-resistant or failing to use counselling sessions effectively than to consider the possibility that they don't have enough knowledge or passion for their chosen profession, or haven't self examined thoroughly enough, to be of much assistance to people who are in a real bind.

Your concerns are, per my experience, on point. Thank you for putting the concept of (mentally) dismissing a client by a professional counsellor out there. It is a conversation all too absent from the collective mindhive, online or otherwise. For that reason, inadequate therapy could actually do much more harm than good. People are survivors and find their own, however 'broken' mechanisms to cope with their less than ideal realities, but when someone else, a supposed professional, intervenes under the premise that they know what they are doing, they end up poking wounds with no knowledge or even motivation to really fix anything. It's dubious whether those that charge $500 or more an hour are any better.

As a math tutor, it would be as if a student came to me asking for me to prepare them for a Putnam exam, and I - being of enough competence to tediously and with a very loose time limit get through about 60% of the problems on such an exam - willingly took them on, then ripped some problems and browsed around for solutions on the internet, then presented problems and regurgitated the work to the student paying no mind to how they are internalizing concepts or their ability to therefore solve similar problems, wished them good luck and success, and collected my cash. That mode of cash collection, even with my meager means, is utterly beneath me. I would instead refer them to a qualified tutor, or at the very least disclaim myself from ability to reliably prepare them for this exam. I have gotten the memo that many people, through misery or greed for money, or perhaps unchecked delusions about their competence, do not operate on the same set of ethical principles, and it is also not nice of me to judge. 🙄

Anyway, I only have so much time in my day to make it a part-time job to vet through droves of self-deluded 'professionals' in hopes of stumbling upon someone who 'gets me' and can meaningfully reframe my mindset(s). So far, they've none had anything on reddit, Quora, nor this place. 

[Taramere]

45 minutes ago, czanclus said:

 People are survivors and find their own, however 'broken' mechanisms to cope with their less than ideal realities, but when someone else, a supposed professional, intervenes under the premise that they know what they are doing, they end up poking wounds with no knowledge or even motivation to really fix anything. It's dubious whether those that charge $500 or more an hour are any better....

Anyway, I only have so much time in my day to make it a part-time job to vet through droves of self-deluded 'professionals' in hopes of stumbling upon someone who 'gets me' and can meaningfully reframe my mindset(s). So far, they've none had anything on reddit, Quora, nor this place. 

I had a very good counsellor some years ago.  By the time I got to him, I'd had a couple of other counsellors that didn't work out at all.  Though it might not always come across online (where the intensity of discussion brings out my analytic and therefore often my argumentative side) I tend towards being agreeable and people pleasing in real life.  Going to see a counsellor or other sort of professional, I won't just be worried about what they think of me...I'm also concerned about how they're feeling while they deal with me.  I think I am quite good at picking up on things.  So for instance, some years back  I was sent to a counsellor who was a nurse turned counsellor.  Where I live, counselling tends to be available on the NHS and they'll select medical professionals such as nurses to be trained up in CBT. 

My gut feeling about this counsellor was that she'd opted for this because it was less stressful than the daily grind of nursing and that she probably had an eye on retirement.  There was no sense of passion for the profession (or you could even call it an art) of counselling.  Since I'd mentally assessed her as being incompetent in her role, my approach to these sessions became all about trying to make her feel comfortable and confident in her role.  She'd give me "homework" that was basic to the point of being patronising, and I'd pretend to be interested and enthusiastic because I didn't want her to feel bad.  I didn't want to knock her ego or do anything that might make her feel like I was trying to undermine her knowledge/abilities.

During a doctor's appointment, my doctor asked me how the counselling was going.  I gave a bright smile and nod to say "yeah, it's going pretty well."  the doctor looked at me and said "you can be honest"...and I'm a bit ashamed to say that both the doctor and I ended up slagging off this poor woman's abilities as a counsellor.  And I know the doctor shouldn't have engaged me in that, but to be honest I think she was annoyed that this person was in a pretty well paid role that she was not at all cut out for.  So anyway, she sent me to this really good counsellor who was so competent that I didn't have to worry for a moment about how he was feeling, whether I was knocking his confidence or anything like that.

I told him that I found it difficult to be in client or patient mode as I'm more used to being in the professional helper or adviser role.  His answer to that was along the lines of "any time it feels easier or more constructive to slip into professional mode, just feel free to do it.  I don't see why that would obstruct our sessions."  With counselling, I think you have to be comfortable and relaxed enough with the counsellor to a) be in touch with how you're feeling right at that moment, and b) be able to tell them how you're feeling.  For instance, me effectively telling that counsellor "I worry about being a bad client, because I keep slipping into professional mode" and him letting me know he was fine with that. 

I've experienced an aggressive counsellor who evidently thought being aggressive was important to break through barriers.  So she'd ask me how I felt about something, and if I responded "well, I think...and she'd noisily snap "I didn't ask you what you're THINKING.  I asked you what you're FEELING!".  Eventually it resulted in me saying "I feel like I just want to wind this meeting up."  With a counsellor like that, I think it can come from...well, their own unaddressed issues obviously.  Also maybe they'll latch onto a theory without questioning whether it's a good approach for a particular client.  So they try to make the client fit their approach, rather than having a toolbox of different approaches.

If you've consulted a lot of people online about counselling, then you're probably familiar with quite a lot of the approaches like CBT, person centred and psychodynamic.  It's probably worth reading as extensively as you can about the different theories, to give yourself a feel for which one you think you need  or would benefit from starting out with (even if you need a therapist with a different approach further down the line).  Knowing what you want from therapy, and what sort of counselling approach you'd prefer to work with, will probably help you narrow down the different counselling services out there to find one that's right for you to start out with.