Relationship on the Edge

[Macca9016]

Hi Everyone, 

New to here so a bit nervous but I'll dive straight in. 

Basically me & my current girlfriend have been going through a very rocky patch recently. We've both been stressed out over money & various issues. This week my gf ran short of money completely, so I've lent her some for travel & a bit for a small food shop as she had nothing in at home whatsoever. 

She's recently not been very good with money, gets her bills paid but then blows the rest of her cash in a couple of weeks. So her mum also has to bail her out sometimes, this last month that was a total of £200 which created some friction between my gfs mum & her. Her mum says she doesn't want paying this money back, which at 1st I didn't get as I was like well if I'd lent someone that amount I'd want it repaying because it's a lot of money. 

 

Because of me lending my gf money this week it's left me with nothing which was my own stupid fault. But I felt as though there wasn't any other option as I couldn't just stand there knowing I could help her but do nothing. Yesterday afternoon things came to a head when I  acted like a total twat & called my gfs mum a moron for not wanting her money back. 

 

So now my partner announced that that's it, we're over!!! 

She's still very angry as is to be expected, now she isn't here for a couple of days as has gone to her mum's. We've agreed to sit down on tuesday when she's back again & talk things through when the dust has settled & we've both had some breathing space & chance to think & clear our heads.  But after talking over whatsapp last night (11th) apparently she can never forgive me. 

 

So it looks like I've blown it fully with the 1 woman who made me truly happy. Since this whole thing happened my anxiety has gone up & up to the point where I'm on the verge of tears typing this out. It goes for me on a 0-10 scale, 0 being fine, 4/5 is anxious but ok & 8-10 is verging on not even wanting to go out. 

 

So what do people think, have I been the moron here & blown everything? 

 

 Any advice would helpful. 

Luke

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Macca9016 said:

 I've lent her some for travel . called my gfs mum a moron for not wanting her money back. 

So now my partner announced that that's it, we're over!!! 

How long have you been dating? How old is she?

Does she have drug, drinking, gambling or shopping problems?

What, exactly, is she blowing her money on? Why are you lending her money for travel?

Obviously name-calling is not the answer. The answer is don't give her money. 

Get your money back and end it. She' uses people as an atm machine. Who needs that?

[Macca9016]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is she?

Does she have drug, drinking, gambling or shopping problems?

What, exactly, is she blowing her money on? Why are you lending her money for travel?

Obviously name-calling is not the answer. The answer is don't give her money. 

Get your money back and end it. She' uses people as an atm machine. Who needs that?

She's 34 & I'm 36. 

She'll quite often go out with her friends which is good but doesn't always have the money, so that she's included her mates pay for her. 

 

Lent her money for travel just because she needed it & as her partner wanted to do the kind thing. 

[vla1120]

At 34, she should probably have a better handle on managing her money. If she does give you another chance to smooth things over, talk about the actual problem - her money management - and do not attack her character, nor her mother's (definitely not her mother's.) You did not say how long you've been dating, but if is hasn't been a long time, you may want to steer clear of someone with poor money management skills at 34, unless she shows an effort to start making her money stretch between paydays (and start putting a little toward savings every payday for those times she needs a little more to help bridge the gap.)

[Traveller]

She doesn't seem very mature by the way she handles her financials and it is not your job to bail her out unless the relation is solid and you are married.
Nevertheless if you want to put effort in this relation stay calm, talk things out and do not call any of her beloved ones any names. You should set some boundaries as well or else you may end up being her private banker all the time.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Macca9016 said:

She'll quite often go out with her friends which is good but doesn't always have the money

Lent her money for travel just because she needed it 

If she wants to party, let her pay the piper. 

Tell her: "adios, get a second job and another fool to pay for your partying"

[Foxhall]

6 hours ago, Macca9016 said:

called my gfs mum a moron for not wanting her money back. 

Yes always a good rule never interfere in family matters,

any disagreements and things keep it between the two of you- dont bring her Mom or even her friends into it,

Overall I think its only a minor thing though- no need to make a mountain out of it,

Obviously you have to look after number one too- if your short of cash yourself you are in no position to lend the girlfriend money,

let it cool off yes for a few days and sit down talk it through,

develop a little plan to start saving some money every month and avoid this situation going forward,

keep things in perspective though- this issue should be solvable.

[Blind-Sided]

7 hours ago, Macca9016 said:

So what do people think, have I been the moron here & blown everything? 

I wouldn't say you "Blew it"... I would look at it from the side of... You dodged a bullet. 

Unless you 2 are teens.... adults like this dont' change. If you continued, and got married... she will have you bankrupt in no time. Not to mention... she will eventually feel justified in her spending.

You will be sad for a while, but you will understand that if she actually had feelings for you... she wouldn't be putting you or her mom in a position where you need to help her out for something that doesn't help her survive.  

[glows]

She hasn’t changed because she knows there’s someone to bail her out and going out like this is addictive and a form of escape. Spending habits are difficult to break especially where it’s so ingrained. She goes out to feel good about herself. She comes home to personal and financial issues. She needs to go out again to drink or be with friends. She comes home again and it’s depressing. I should ask: does she have a drinking problem or drink in excess? 

Has she tried seeking any medical help for depression or talking to anyone about her worries? I think there’s a lot more here under the surface than just money. Don’t call anyone names and don’t call yourself that either. 

[Macca9016]

Thanks everyone for all the excellent advice. 

 

In the end she decided to pull the plug, but y'know what I'm not that bothered. There's been way too much stress recently from her. 

 

So onto looking out for number 1 for a while until I find a woman that's actually right for me. In the end I couldn't be bothered with all the stress, I've got enough going on in my life at the mo. 

[glows]

So onwards. Glad to hear you’re putting this behind you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Macca9016 said:

So onto looking out for number 1 for a while until I find a woman that's actually right for me. In the end I couldn't be bothered with all the stress, I've got enough going on in my life at the mo. 

Good call. This was going nowhere except the poorhouse. Yes take care of yourself, regroup and rejoice that you dodged a bullet.

[spiderowl]

I’m sorry to hear what happened, Luke. Yes, you blew it by insulting your girlfriend’s mum. Whatever your feelings about your girlfriend borrowing money, you shouldn’t take it out on her mum.

There were clearly tensions between you and your girlfriend over her spending habits. That would probably have ended the relationship anyway.

At this point, I can appreciate your sadness. You know you can’t behave like that towards people. You might just be able to salvage this with a massive and humble apology to her mum and to your girlfriend. Don’t expect them to forgive you though.

Having said the above, you need to look at what was causing this tension and frustration so that it doesn’t happen again and spoil any future relationships. Was it just about your girlfriend’s spending? Was there anything else? Why did you think you could call an older woman, who is only looking out for her daughter, a moron? Is that how your parents behaved towards each other? I think it might help you to find out where all this is coming from. I am not saying your girlfriend was perfect, not at all, but your reaction was very strong and caused you to lose an important relationship. Is it usual for you to feel anger when anxious?

This could be a turning point in your life and it could be a positive one if you can learn from it.

[searching heart]

Listening to how she treats her Mother and you I think the breakup is the best thing that could happen . Find yourself a more career oriented woman .. Plenty out there

Edited December 14, 2021 by searching heart
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