Author Farfromperfect Posted December 13, 2021 Author Share Posted December 13, 2021 3 minutes ago, Lexmar said: Email her back and say "Don't know what to tell you, he said he was divorcing you and the marriage was over. I'm not the one who promised you lifelong commitment, take it up with him and leave me the hell alone". For some reason she thinks I was the one who pursued him, perhaps his interpretation to her, and has said in her messages that this is all my fault. Like her husband had zero responsibility in any of this. She is simply fixed on the fact that I am the home-wrecker in the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farfromperfect Posted December 13, 2021 Author Share Posted December 13, 2021 3 minutes ago, Lexmar said: The reason is that she cannot accept the fact that her husband would chase after another woman. Much more palatable to her to believe that he's some sort of victim in all of this. You need to set the record straight on this. I would somewhat love for the whole truth to come out. Especially if the affair isgoing to be exposed. There is so much she really does not know. Like the fact that I went to him, as my supervisor, with a sexual harassment complaint about 4 years back and his way of taking care of it was to apparently come into me in my weakness. Very few females employed where I work in a very male dominated field. He was my supervisor. I know I made a mistake and crossed a line. I will certainly own that. However, I feel as if all the blame is trying to be put on me. I know I messed up. I know Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farfromperfect Posted December 13, 2021 Author Share Posted December 13, 2021 10 minutes ago, Lexmar said: You need to set the record straight on this. How?!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farfromperfect Posted December 13, 2021 Author Share Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Lexmar said: Maybe you'll even be friends after. Hahah!! Appreciate the optimism. she’s crazy. No room for that in my life. Edited December 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) She is a wife who just found out her husband was cheating with one of his employees. Unfortunately, you made room in your life for a scorned wife when you had an affair with her husband. That almost always comes with the territory and you can’t expect her to take the moral high ground when you did not. Are you wanting to take legal action so she will leave you alone or get back at her (out of curiosity)? Why don’t you just block them all? Edited December 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 You can offer her the truth via email, but do not even offer to meet in person. That opens you up to false claims of harassment. State your case in email so you have a documentation trail, and use a throwaway account. Do not entertain the crazy idea of claiming sexual harassment. It's lying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Farfromperfect Posted December 13, 2021 Author Share Posted December 13, 2021 1 hour ago, Crazelnut said: Do not entertain the crazy idea of claiming sexual harassment. It's lying. Wasn’t even thinking about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daliah Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 8 hours ago, Farfromperfect said: Hahah!! Appreciate the optimism. she’s crazy. No room for that in my life. How do you know she’s crazy?! Upset and angry yes, and probably devastated by her husbands behaviour yes, but calling her crazy only makes you look like the kind of person who could care less about anyone but themselves doesn’t it? look, she’s living (currently) with a liar and a cheat. Putting all the onus on you means she doesn’t have to face that reality, which would mean she’d have to consider what her future is. Offer to meet her if she wants the truth, and do it with kindness. If she responds negatively just walk away and don’t look back. As you say, you’re guilty of participating in the deception of this vile man’s wife. I met the wife of the man I had been shagging behind her back because it was the right thing to do and she asked. I was lucky. She was gracious and dignified but very, very hurt. It was awful to witness her devastation, and gut wrenching to know I had a part in it. Affairs are never a solution to anything. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, Farfromperfect said: I would somewhat love for the whole truth to come out. Don't do anything except block and delete him,her and all their people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Put this behind you. Do not contact her, do not try to set any record straight. Lying cheaters like this usually depict their mistresses as some Fatal Attraction'case when they get caught. Selfish snakes only worry about themselves. Move forward. Edited December 13, 2021 by Wiseman2 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 13 hours ago, Farfromperfect said: Affair was 7 months ago. Stopped talking to him about 3 months ago when he retired. His Like I said, she's hurt and angry, lashing out. That doesn't make it right though. Just based on what seems to be the typical way these sorts of things play themselves out, you may never hear anything from her again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) 12 hours ago, Lexmar said: The reason is that she cannot accept the fact that her husband would chase after another woman. Much more palatable to her to believe that he's some sort of victim in all of this. You need to set the record straight on this. actually, I wouldn't bother. Look at it form her point of view. she has no reason to trust the OP at all. Why should she? OP, if the roles were reversed, would you trust her if she was the OW? Really it's best not to get into it. That why I advised early to give her a "one shot deal" where she can pour it all out to you in an email. You don't even have to read it-it's more about her being able to vent and that she feels like her feelings have been acknowledged. After that, I'd stay as far away from the two of them as possible. It's not your place to "set the record straight" and besides, why would you want to get further involved in all this nonsense anyway? You sound like a smart lady who, to be frank, just screwed up. Not your best decision, but that's okay. Learn and move on. Edited December 13, 2021 by pepperbird2 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 Oh, I always love the righteous indignation of an OW. One might consider hooking up with a married man as "crazy." One might think not realizing the consequences of such actions as "crazy." One might think that someone believing that if the wife is lashing out at the OW she is not also lashing out at her husband as "crazy". So maybe the wife is not the only "crazy" one here..... 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 Several people have suggested meeting with the BW. I think this is a really bad idea. We have no idea how she will react, and we already know that she's pissed off and making threats about ruining OW's life. She could prove to be dangerous, or she could use the meeting to claim she's being harassed. Or she could make a huge public scene -- picture the shouting and name-calling. I think it's best to never meet the BW in person. Email is a better way to answer her questions and set the record straight, if you want. It leaves a solid trail of evidence that OW didn't try to harass or stalk. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 5 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: Several people have suggested meeting with the BW. I think this is a really bad idea. I agree. I do not think this is a smart move at all. OP, if she wants (and if you're open to it), she can email you her questions. I would not volunteer to meet her in person. You don't know what sort of upset and distressed state you might find her in, and it's not worth the risk. Communicate the information she is looking for from a distance, at most. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 14 hours ago, Farfromperfect said: For some reason she thinks I was the one who pursued him, perhaps his interpretation to her, and has said in her messages that this is all my fault. Like her husband had zero responsibility in any of this. She is simply fixed on the fact that I am the home-wrecker in the situation. For some reason the betrayed is always angrier at the person who they cheated with than the person cheating on them. I always ask my husband why do men beat up the OM on "Cheaters" instead of their cheating wives? Well it's the same thing here, she will come after you to beat you up and forgive her cheating husband. What I don't understand how did she find out if you only had sex once? How did she find out and who told her - him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 They usually need to forgive their partner if the marriage is to continue. But there is a lot of distress, sadness and anger involved so they direct most of their upset onto the AP. Better to see the OW as a devious and manipulative witch who enticed their poor husband away, than to see their husband as the seducer and the cad who actively and deliberately ruined their marriage and broke his vows... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 32 minutes ago, elaine567 said: They usually need to forgive their partner if the marriage is to continue. But there is a lot of distress, sadness and anger involved so they direct most of their upset onto the AP. Better to see the OW as a devious and manipulative witch who enticed their poor husband away, than to see their husband as the seducer and the cad who actively and deliberately ruined their marriage and broke his vows... I do not know many BS who believe that the OW is fully to blame or even more than 50% to blame. Of course, there are some out there, but very few and far between. However, the OW sees nothing that is going on in her MM's home, so she just assumes all the blame is going to her because the BS is irate with her. Most BS do not believe their husbands were just some poor victim. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 5 hours ago, Starswillshine said: I do not know many BS who believe that the OW is fully to blame or even more than 50% to blame. Of course, there are some out there, but very few and far between. However, the OW sees nothing that is going on in her MM's home, so she just assumes all the blame is going to her because the BS is irate with her. Most BS do not believe their husbands were just some poor victim. I agree. I think people automatically assume that the wife puts all the blame on the OW but she is raising holy heck behind closed doors. In most cases she is enraged with everyone involved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, elaine567 said: They usually need to forgive their partner if the marriage is to continue. But there is a lot of distress, sadness and anger involved so they direct most of their upset onto the AP. Better to see the OW as a devious and manipulative witch who enticed their poor husband away, than to see their husband as the seducer and the cad who actively and deliberately ruined their marriage and broke his vows... um, yeah. I expect some BS fit this group, but many don't. I was always taught that if you can, you avoid hurting other people. They take that very seriously, and hold others to the same standard-naive , I know.. in other cases, the OW or OM is actually, well, warrants the bad feelings because of they of how they act towards the BS, post affair or eve while it's going on. In my experience, most Ow/OM or even WS aren't evil people-they are just flawed, same as the BS, same as everyone else. They don't want to hurt anyone, yet they do. That is not a pleasant thing to know about yourself. Really, OP, it sounds to me like you just want to wash your hands of all of this. That is a very smart move. Edited December 13, 2021 by pepperbird2 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 13, 2021 Share Posted December 13, 2021 (edited) On 12/12/2021 at 9:14 AM, Farfromperfect said: She’s now been sending me threatening emails and text messages saying that she’s going to tell my family as well as get me fired from my job. What rights do I have here, if any? What kinds of threats? Look into cyber stalking laws in your jurisdiction and speak to a lawyer who specializes in this area. These laws ("rights") vary a lot - in some places you may have substantial legal recourse, such as pressing criminal charges, if you direct her to stop contacting you in an intimidating manner and she does not and/or takes further actions. In other places you may have little recourse. Depending on the nature of the threats and the local laws, she may have already committed a crime, which you can have a lawyer write a letter for and make it clear that criminal prosecution is in the cards if she does anything further. Obviously you want to get your lawyer's approval on any action like this you might take. The nice thing about emails is that everything is well documented for you and subject to subpoena IF push comes to shove. IF local laws support you, figure out ways to document any other actions she takes. My personal opinion is that the best route is to end this quickly and with a minimum of further animosity. It sounds like the BW wants her "pound of flesh" but intimidating you this far may be enough to satisfy her, particularly if there is the potential for consequences for her. Edited December 13, 2021 by mark clemson 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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