What to do with this situation?

[lee179108]

So I met this girl 3 months ago, shes 29 lives like 20 min away with her parents and I live alone. She really is such a kind and caring person, always put effort into me, brings me gifts. groceries, spoils me to make me happy and gets excited to see me everytime. In the past 2 weeks though we have been arguing over small things, she is a very emotional girls and always cries with arguments etc..  her last relationship was abusive and she got abused mentally and physically. She's been single for 3 years since then and has always dealt with things on her own and has not opened up fully to anyone on her abuse, only to me.  When we would argue I would follow her into other rooms to try and solve things, I never shout or call her names. She then cries and screamed and threw something to the floor as I gave her flashbacks of her ex as that is what he would do when abusing her (follow her and not leave her alone). But I was doing it to just solve things and talk.  After she screamed I tried to calm her down and she went to the bathroom and started crying in a corner hard so I went up there and comforted her. 

The next day we are at an expensive hotel which she paid a lot for with room service, we have coffee and I say this coffee seems strong, she said maybe its just you and I then said thats just my opinion. She then flipped and said she cant do this anymore as I have an attitude. I didnt mean to come out with an attitude and I didnt see it that way, things I say or do she takes totally wrong.  She then got mad and said some horrible stuff. She also said she does not trust me because I always have my phone on my and take it to the shower..  but I honestly have nothing to hide, its just a habit.. and I have told her this.  We argued, I said that she is very insecure and maybe thats why shes failed with people in the past (I know i should not have said that and i regretted it instantly and apologised)  but she then screamed and cried said how dare I use that against her knowing what shes been through. I felt terrible for saying it but because she said nasty stuff to me like saying she wish she choose someone else over me, and called me names I just got angry and hurt.  Another thing is when we started talking this other guy was talking to her too..  she choose me over him and told him that.  In this argument she said oh maybe I should have chosen him as he was more caring and put more effort in than you and was even nice after I told him I choose you. After an hour or so she did apologise for everything she said and said she loves me and wont give up.   

Another thing is that she wants to be with me every day and talk to me a lot. Whereas I do like my own time and talking to friends etc and watching TV...  she says i dont put effort into her or show I care a lot and I do see examples of why she may say that. She cries a lot and has been at my house constantly worrying about us and said its made her feel ill and not eat. I dont think she has dealt with her past and shes even said it makes it hard for her to let her guard down and it pushes people away. I do feel really bad when shes upset and it hurts me, shes already invited me to her sisters wedding, planning to do more stuff and even said she wishes she could live with me. She told me yesterday how much she loves me and doesnt wanna give up. I said I needed space due to a lot going on.  I just feel terrible with her being hurt, and wonder if im losing a girl who would do anything for me. Ive never had someone who puts in as much effort and spoils me or gets me stuff to make me happy.  She even picked me up from a night out when I woke her up at 3am. Nobodys ever done that for me. 

 

[vla1120]

It sounds like a toxic relationship. She obviously has some unresolved issues from her past that she has not dealt with that have nothing to do with you. Has she sought any type of counseling for the abusive relationship she was in? Unless she addresses those issues (which have clearly resulted in her insecurities), I don't hold out much hope that this relationship will improve without some type of intervention. It's only been 3 months. Many would cut their losses and move on. It's up to you whether you think there is enough there to pursue. If you do, however, I would stop following her around the house when you are fighting. Either sit down and have a calm discussion about the issue, or let her go to another room to cool down, if that's what she needs to do.

[lee179108]

On 12/15/2021 at 3:14 AM, vla1120 said:

It sounds like a toxic relationship. She obviously has some unresolved issues from her past that she has not dealt with that have nothing to do with you. Has she sought any type of counseling for the abusive relationship she was in? Unless she addresses those issues (which have clearly resulted in her insecurities), I don't hold out much hope that this relationship will improve without some type of intervention. It's only been 3 months. Many would cut their losses and move on. It's up to you whether you think there is enough there to pursue. If you do, however, I would stop following her around the house when you are fighting. Either sit down and have a calm discussion about the issue, or let her go to another room to cool down, if that's what she needs to do.

No she's had no help, she's dealt with everything on her own. Not only that but also problems with her family as well.    I suggested maybe she should talk to someone and she got mad saying that mental health was useless  I feel terrible because I do worry im maybe losing a great girl who would go above and beyond for me, who puts effort in and spoils me. Whereas in the past Ive put effort into people and not had anything back. But yes, she is very insecure but I have kept telling her we are fine and not to worry about us but it does not register with her. Because of our arguments last week as soon as she turned up to mine she started crying. 

Edited December 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Estes]

Sounds like you just need to give her an hour or so after she reacts to something, and give her the chance to cool off on her on.

Since you persist in following her around while she's probably at the height of anxiety and fury, all you're doing is escalating the situation.

So next time, give her the space she needs and wait for her to come around before trying to discuss it, but let her know before the next argument that you'll be doing that so she understands you aren't ignoring her.

As far as taking your phone into the shower, that's a bit unusual I can see why someone with trust issues might wonder why you do that and if you're hiding anything.

 

[glows]

Completely incompatible. She's emotionally manipulative and you're actually quite controlling and insecure yourself if you're following her around the house during arguments. If you can see her emotions escalating or if she says something to incite you, don't participate. Take a moment to reflect whether the conversation should be happening at all. If it keeps happening you know you have a problem. 

Someone waking up at 3 am to drive you home is only someone who doesn't have good boundaries in place or know what her limits are for sleep or bailing someone else out. You're only dating for three months. Why does she have to drive you anywhere and why did you wake her up? Were you uncontrollably drunk or unable to find a cab or ride home? I wouldn't be impressed with someone offering to drive me home at 3 am. I'd be asking myself where's my own ride. 

There are too many extremes in your relationship. Try aiming for something a little less dramatic. Take care of yourselves, practice more autonomy and respect. You both seem dependent on each other in ways that are cloying and disrespectful.

 

Edited December 14, 2021 by glows

[vla1120]

9 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

I suggested maybe she should talk to someone and she got mad saying that mental health was bull**** 

Oh boy. Science says otherwise, and if she cares enough about you to want the relationship to work, then she needs to get out of this mindset and realize that the abusive relationship in her past has had a long term adverse effect on her. It will ruin every relationship she has moving forward unless she addresses it and puts in the work to overcome her past.

[lee179108]

26 minutes ago, Estes said:

Sounds like you just need to give her an hour or so after she reacts to something, and give her the chance to cool off on her on.

Since you persist in following her around while she's probably at the height of anxiety and fury, all you're doing is escalating the situation.

So next time, give her the space she needs and wait for her to come around before trying to discuss it, but let her know before the next argument that you'll be doing that so she understands you aren't ignoring her.

As far as taking your phone into the shower, that's a bit unusual I can see why someone with trust issues might wonder why you do that and if you're hiding anything.

 

I get that, she just threatens to walk out my house and go home and I dont want that so I try solve the situation instead of letting her leave on bad terms.  This has happened a few times now.  As with the phone thing, ok I get the trust issues situation but it wouldn't bother me if she did the same thing... i just have my phone on me often or in my pocket.. if somebody calls me like my parents or I listen to music in the shower..    

[lee179108]

25 minutes ago, glows said:

Completely incompatible. She's emotionally manipulative and you're actually quite controlling and insecure yourself if you're following her around the house during arguments. If you can see her emotions escalating or if she says something to incite you, don't participate. Take a moment to reflect whether the conversation should be happening at all. If it keeps happening you know you have a problem. 

Someone waking up at 3 am to drive you home is only someone who doesn't have good boundaries in place or know what her limits are for sleep or bailing someone else out. You're only dating for three months. Why does she have to drive you anywhere and why did you wake her up? Were you uncontrollably drunk or unable to find a cab or ride home? I wouldn't be impressed with someone offering to drive me home at 3 am. I'd be asking myself where's my own ride. 

There are too many extremes in your relationship. Try aiming for something a little less dramatic. Take care of yourselves, practice more autonomy and respect. You both seem dependent on each other in ways that are cloying and disrespectful.

 

Im not controlling at all so lets put that out there. I was unable to get a taxi home so gave her a call, I was not expecting her to pick up or anything and I was so greatful and Id do the same for her if she was stuck. Only reason I followed her around in arguments was because she kept threatening that she was leaving and it was over and I was trying to solve things and explain things.  She said to me she does not have distractions, like I have the gym, Playstation with friends where she has nothing. She is not working at the moment as she works for her dads business and they havent done anything on that yet as they are renovating a house. She also doesnt have a big circle of friends or they live far away.. again wanted to separate herself from anyone or anything from her past bad experiences.

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

So I met this girl 3 months ago, shes 29 lives like 20 min away with her parents and I live alone. She really is such a kind and caring person, always put effort into me, brings me gifts. groceries, spoils me to make me happy and gets excited to see me everytime.

Stop treating her like a servant and atm. Also stop telling her to get "help".

It's too much too soon. At 12 weeks you two should be observing if things are a good fit, not have knock down drag out fights.

You're using her and she's unstable.  End it.

Edited December 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[lee179108]

20 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Oh boy. Science says otherwise, and if she cares enough about you to want the relationship to work, then she needs to get out of this mindset and realize that the abusive relationship in her past has had a long term adverse effect on her. It will ruin every relationship she has moving forward unless she addresses it and puts in the work to overcome her past.

Yes I have said her past has made her insecure and she gets mad and wants me to reassure her and not make her feel insecure and show more care and effort. Again I do feel like I care and try.. but I also have a lot of bills with my house etc so its not like I can do things all the time and keep spending. She has said herself because of the past she finds it hard to let her guard down with people and it pushes them away. 

[lee179108]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop treating her like a servant and atm. Also stop telling her to get "help".

It's too much too soon. At 12 weeks you two should be observing if things are a good fit, not have knock down drag out fights.

You're using her and she's unstable.  End it.

Im not using her at all! I tell her countless times to stop spending on me and I dont need anything from her to show me she cares. She still does it anyway thats just how she is. I dont 'keep' telling her to get help.. I said it once cuz she said maybe she hasnt dealt with things after 3 years and finds it hard to trust and how insecure she is.

[glows]

10 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Im not controlling at all so lets put that out there. I was unable to get a taxi home so gave her a call, I was not expecting her to pick up or anything and I was so greatful and Id do the same for her if she was stuck. Only reason I followed her around in arguments was because she kept threatening that she was leaving and it was over and I was trying to solve things and explain things.  She said to me she does not have distractions, like I have the gym, Playstation with friends where she has nothing. She is not working at the moment as she works for her dads business and they havent done anything on that yet as they are renovating a house. She also doesnt have a big circle of friends or they live far away.. again wanted to separate herself from anyone or anything from her past bad experiences.

This doesn't make sense. How does she afford to spend money on you, pay for hotel stays or buy you groceries if she isn't working? Are these all her savings or is she still getting paid from her father's business even though she's not working or contributing anything?

She may be spending money on you to buy your affections but she doesn't trust you either. 

[Kamille]

What I see is that you deeply care for her, are attached and want to resolve things. These are great qualities and, during your next fight, instead of reacting to the situation by following her around, remember what your intentions are (care, strenghtening the relationship). 

Her threatening to end the relationship during an argument is problematic behaviour that leads to the kind of roller coaster you are now experiencing. I should know, I used to do it - and I am not proud of that. In your shoes, I would pick a time when you are both calm to tell her that you care about the relationship. Tell her how that her saying it's over made you feel. Tell her you would appreciate it if she refrained from threatening to end things during arguments. She might or she might not, but it sounds like that (rightfully) triggered you. 

Own your feelings in this. She has a lot of vulnerabilities, but hopefully she can also see how her behaviour affects you.

 

 

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, glows said:

This doesn't make sense. How does she afford to spend money on you, pay for hotel stays or buy you groceries if she isn't working? Are these all her savings or is she still getting paid from her father's business even though she's not working or contributing anything?

She may be spending money on you to buy your affections but she doesn't trust you either. 

Yes a mixture of savings and her father still pays her a wage..  

[lee179108]

7 minutes ago, Kamille said:

What I see is that you deeply care for her, are attached and want to resolve things. These are great qualities and, during your next fight, instead of reacting to the situation by following her around, remember what your intentions are (care, strenghtening the relationship). 

Her threatening to end the relationship during an argument is problematic behaviour that leads to the kind of roller coaster you are now experiencing. I should know, I used to do it - and I am not proud of that. In your shoes, I would pick a time when you are both calm to tell her that you care about the relationship. Tell her how that her saying it's over made you feel. Tell her you would appreciate it if she refrained from threatening to end things during arguments. She might or she might not, but it sounds like that (rightfully) triggered you. 

Own your feelings in this. She has a lot of vulnerabilities, but hopefully she can also see how her behaviour affects you.

 

 

Of course I deeply care for her, you're right. The threatening to end things is what I've experienced with previous partners, and ive met people who end things immediately after small things whereas its like she fights for it and doesnt give up.   I also like my own space at times to watch TV, play ps5 with friends, go to the gym etc... whereas I feel sometimes like she wants to see me everyday and talk all day. I like to chill and I feel if I tell her that she will take it the wrong way, get upset and worry and have anxiety. I dont know if its because she aint working at the minute but shes already said she wish she could live with me and its only been 3 months.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Yes a mixture of savings and her father still pays her a wage..  

At this point I'd be looking at the person overall and what they do, how they manage their life, what other responsibilities and commitments they have, what kinds of enrichment and hobbies they engage with.

She may have a good heart and a steady income from dad's business but she doesn't seem ok to date. My next question is why isn't she working and what plans does she have for herself. It sounds like she's lost focus and motivation and she's spiraling. She made you the center of her universe and that's not healthy.

[lee179108]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

At this point I'd be looking at the person overall and what they do, how they manage their life, what other responsibilities and commitments they have, what kinds of enrichment and hobbies they engage with.

She may have a good heart and a steady income from dad's business but she doesn't seem ok to date. My next question is why isn't she working and what plans does she have for herself. It sounds like she's lost focus and motivation and she's spiraling. She made you the center of her universe and that's not healthy.

Shes not working because her and her parents bought a house together near me and they are renovating it, they also need to find a warehouse here for their business instead of using one thats miles away. The plan was for her to start working after Christmas.  In terms of hobbies etc I have asked her about this.. she made a comment to me yesterday saying at least I have distractions like the gym and Ps5 with friends whereas she has nothing.   Without sounding horrible she needs to find something.  And yes I do feel like the centre of her universe because she wants to be with me everyday and she gets so excited to see me all the time. That is nice as Ive not had that before but I also want time to do my own thing, chill and my hobbies. She also told me she does not want a weekend boyfriend, so I said well what you gonna do when you go to work?  she said i dont know..  I dont see it as a weekend boyfriend, I like to remain calm and take it as it comes. 

[glows]

4 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Shes not working because her and her parents bought a house together near me and they are renovating it, they also need to find a warehouse here for their business instead of using one thats miles away. The plan was for her to start working after Christmas.  In terms of hobbies etc I have asked her about this.. she made a comment to me yesterday saying at least I have distractions like the gym and Ps5 with friends whereas she has nothing.   Without sounding horrible she needs to find something.  And yes I do feel like the centre of her universe because she wants to be with me everyday and she gets so excited to see me all the time. That is nice as Ive not had that before but I also want time to do my own thing, chill and my hobbies. She also told me she does not want a weekend boyfriend, so I said well what you gonna do when you go to work?  she said i dont know..  I dont see it as a weekend boyfriend, I like to remain calm and take it as it comes. 

After Christmas is only days away so this may be a much ado over nothing. Let her know when you're free and if you're not free you can meet afterwards or another day. You don't need to tell her what to do with her life but you might want to be a little more firm about how you wish to divide your free time between your friends and other commitments. Compromise where appropriate but you're dating to find out more about each other so don't twist yourself into anything other than what you are. 

I'm not sure what "weekend boyfriend" is supposed to insinuate. Is it that she's afraid of a part time boyfriend? That's her insecurity talking again and her issues with her past relationships. Relationships progress over time at a more natural rate. If that means starting out as a Friday boyfriend or a weekend boyfriend, then so be it. Take your time getting to know one another, try different activities and share your hobbies/free time together and go from there. She's moving way too fast because she's afraid she doesn't have you for some reason or she's insecure that she's not good enough. 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

 shes already said she wish she could live with me and its only been 3 months.

So many red flags. She seems bored. First ask her not to spend money on you since she's not working.

Then be kind to each other and set both yourselves free. Too much conflict.

[lee179108]

She just called me now crying over the phone asking if i want to be with her because if I dont then shes gone forever and thats that... she wants to be with me and sort things out but doesnt feel I want the same. I explained everything I felt but she just wanted an instant decision, I said Ill call her back in 10 minutes as my mother called me and shes in hospital so Ihad to take the call.  This feels horrible, im afraid of losing someone who would do anything for me but also have other things to think about.

[Estes]

3 hours ago, lee179108 said:

I get that, she just threatens to walk out my house and go home and I dont want that so I try solve the situation instead of letting her leave on bad terms.  This has happened a few times now.  As with the phone thing, ok I get the trust issues situation but it wouldn't bother me if she did the same thing

You're just repeating what you said before. The point being she's probably very anxious and emotional and needs an hour or more to cool off. You trying to solve the situation instead of letting her leave on bad terms isn't working in fact it's making things worse so stop doing it. Or keep right on doing it expecting things to somehow be different the next time. As to the phone thing you say it wouldn't bother you if she did the same thing. So what? This isn't about what bothers you, it's about what bothers her. You need to start thinking about things from HER perspective rather than your own.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is rude and emotionally unstable. 

At 3 months it's already toxic. 

Time to go. 

[clia]

This is way too much for three months in --arguing, crying, screaming....it honestly sounds exhausting.  Is this really want you want to deal with for the rest of your life? 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/15/2021 at 7:06 AM, lee179108 said:

im afraid of losing someone who would do anything for me but also have other things to think about.

[ ]  There are so many red flags in just 12 weeks. Be kind. End it and set both yourselves free.

The problem was accepting all these "favors". It comes with very clingy impulsive dramatic strings attached.

You already know this is imploding because she's unstable. Cut your losses.

Edited December 15, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[glows]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

She just called me now crying over the phone asking if i want to be with her because if I dont then shes gone forever and thats that... she wants to be with me and sort things out but doesnt feel I want the same. I explained everything I felt but she just wanted an instant decision, I said Ill call her back in 10 minutes as my mother called me and shes in hospital so Ihad to take the call.  This feels horrible, im afraid of losing someone who would do anything for me but also have other things to think about.

Have you called her back?