What to do with this situation?

[endlessabyss]

If I was you I'd get out right now lol.  Only three months in, and you're dealing with that kind of extreme mental instability?

Just imagine how bad it would be a year from now

There's nowhere to go with her, unless you want to suffer, because you're desperate for somebody 😕

Edited December 15, 2021 by endlessabyss

[mrs rubble]

She is over the top with the emotions!!! In saying that you're not helping the situation, I've only ever known one other person to take their phone into the shower with them and that person was extremely dodgy, he did have lots to hide. So I would stop doing that just to appease her and make her feel more secure. Also maybe start doing some other things with her, ?hiking ?theatre ?sports, something that encourages her to get out and about and hopefully develop a new hobby for her and helps her to find new friends.

What do your friends think of her?

[lee179108]

14 hours ago, glows said:

Have you called her back? 

She came to mine at 1am crying and sobbing wanting to sort things out, i admire here for wanting to do that.  Said she feels uncomfortable now since I said she is too much at times and doesnt know how we can move on from this. She stayed the night then left this morning, said I can talk to her and we can meet up and go from there... i dont know what to do.. She was so upset and shaking because of the whole situation. Said she never thought she was too much due to me leading her to believe we were ok and things I said like how much I like her and so on...   i feel terrible right now.

[glows]

I think you’re flattered that someone cares for you this much but you’re not in love with her.

It’s unkind to keep her hanging like this when you can’t respect her or you’re incompatible. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to let this woman go, OP. 

Is it normal to you that only 12 weeks of dating has been this chaotic and volatile?

[lee179108]

its just the last week thats been chaotic

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

its just the last week thats been chaotic

So the crying and fighting has only been going on a week?

[Girl Fade Away]

lee, I am curious why you created this thread.  You have been given excellent feedback and advice from  many posters which you defensively counter with your own, what you consider to be, plausible reasons for remaining in this utterly toxic relationship with an emotionally manipulative and extremely unstable woman.

4 hours ago, lee179108 said:

She came to mine at 1am crying and sobbing wanting to sort things out, i admire here for wanting to do that.  

This is troubling and I am saddened you are unable to recognize that. 

For you to actually admire her for coming to yours crying and sobbing in the wee hours of the morning along with all her other manipulative and dare I say mentally and verbally abusive behaviors suggests that you also have some serious issues to sort through and this may be why you are so drawn to each other in such a toxic and unhealthy way.

Not sure if there actually IS anything anyone could say, you seem dead set on continuing on so all I will say is I wish you lots of luck, hope it works out for you. 

Edited December 15, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

On 12/15/2021 at 3:49 AM, lee179108 said:

I get that, she just threatens to walk out my house and go home and I dont want that so I try solve the situation instead of letting her leave on bad terms.  This has happened a few times now. 

I know that your heart is in the right place, but if someone wants to leave or wants to be alone - it is at best, pushy and at worst, controlling to not allow them have the space they need. 

That said, there seems to be too much drama, and am another who suggests ending the relationship. 

 

[spiderowl]

She has a lot of problems and I am not sure you can help with them.  I suspect she would have these problems with anyone.  The crying sounds excessive and suggests to me the she is someone who is not in control of her emotions even a little bit.  This can get very wearing over time and I really think you ought to reconsider this relationship.

While she may have been abused in the past - may even have a horrible story - she does not have to behave with you like this now.  You were not torturing her or bullying her, only trying to communicate.  It may have been a trigger, but then again it may be that everything will trigger her.  

I am not convinced that everyone who says they have been abused or in an abusive relationship has been.  Some people who seem to give their partners hell claim to have been in abusive relationships.  It seems in those cases that either they were damaged beyond reason or they were part of the abuse in some way.

Not everyone is a good person.  I think you need to assess how much of this treatment of you is due to her being abused in the past and how much is her personality.  Do you know of her friends or relatives?  Anyone who can give you an insight into what happened in the past?

I think other than the above, I would suggest you leave this relationship.  Whether she has suffered abuse in the past or not, it is not your fault.  The two of you being together is clearly not making her happy.  I fear if you try to stick with her, you are going to end up being blamed for everything that has ever happened to this woman.  In the same way that I am wary of guys who claim they had 'the ex from hell', I am also wary of women who claim past abuse as an excuse for treating their partners badly or accusing them of abuse.  I cannot see that being in such a confusing relationship is good for anybody.

 

Edited December 15, 2021 by spiderowl

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, lee179108 said:

She came to mine at 1am crying and sobbing 

Sorry to hear this. You need to stop the drama.

Be kind and set her free.

It's not a good idea to take advantage of clearly unstable people.

It's cruel to accept her money and gifts.

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. You need to stop the drama.

Be kind and set her free.

It's not a good idea to take advantage of clearly unstable people.

It's cruel to accept her money and gifts.

She keeps saying how much shes willing to fight for us and work through things no matter how hard it is, whereas other people just give up instantly over small things. And that I should worry when people dont want to see me as much...  she says she loves me which is why she wants to give her all and never give up no matter how hard it is. All this makes me feel bad and that im losing someone good and Ill regret it.

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

She keeps saying how much shes willing to fight for us and work through things no matter how hard it is, whereas other people just give up instantly over small things

These aren't small things. This is plain dysfunctional. 

And she is manipulative and unstable.

But with respect, you are as much as part of that dysfunction as she is. I don't think anyone here can really help you, because you seem to have some quite unhealthy thought patterns yourself. You're letting the feeling of being flattered guide you, which is what will ultimately hurt you and lead to a total relationship implosion. 

It's not a question of if, but when. 

[glows]

40 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

She keeps saying how much shes willing to fight for us and work through things no matter how hard it is, whereas other people just give up instantly over small things. And that I should worry when people dont want to see me as much...  she says she loves me which is why she wants to give her all and never give up no matter how hard it is. All this makes me feel bad and that im losing someone good and Ill regret it.

She has a point. People break up serious and long term relationships over much lesser issues than what you’re facing here. 

What is the bold part meaning? Is she referencing your exes? Who is “people”?  That’s inappropriate if so. 

The longer you delay this the worse it gets. Is this the first time you’ve ended a relationship? 

 

[lee179108]

42 minutes ago, glows said:

She has a point. People break up serious and long term relationships over much lesser issues than what you’re facing here. 

What is the bold part meaning? Is she referencing your exes? Who is “people”?  That’s inappropriate if so. 

The longer you delay this the worse it gets. Is this the first time you’ve ended a relationship? 

 

think she was referring to people in general... ive had girls break it off over smaller issues yes and not fight to make it work no matter what.. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

She keeps saying how much shes willing to fight for us and work through things no matter how hard it is, whereas other people just give up instantly over small things.

You need to stop letting her show up at all hours. That's not a sign of "fighting for you" it's a sign of a mentally fragile person.

You need to stop taking advantage and allowing her to waste money on your groceries, food and luxuries.

If she is this emotionally frail it's cruel to use that to feed an ego. Let her go.

You very well know this is happening because she suffers from mental health problems, doesn't work, doesn't like her home life. It's wrong to exploit disenfranchised individuals.

[glows]

If breaking up is hard, is living in a relationship with her harder? 

When ex-h asked to reconcile the answer was sad but clear. Living with someone you can’t respect nor trust is much harder than letting go. 

[lee179108]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to stop letting her show up at all hours. That's not a sign of "fighting for you" it's a sign of a mentally fragile person.

You need to stop taking advantage and allowing her to waste money on your groceries, food and luxuries.

If she is this emotionally frail it's cruel to use that to feed an ego. Let her go.

You very well know this is happening because she suffers from mental health problems, doesn't work, doesn't like her home life. It's wrong to exploit disenfranchised individuals.

I keep telling her to stop buying things but she never listens and does anyway because she says she wants to see me smile.. I've told her she doesn't need to and I will be happy anyway without things.   Shes told me mental health is bull****  im not feeding her ego or taking advantage, I would never do that. The reason she showed up at all hours at mine was because she wanted to talk in person and she just drove to mine anyway because she wanted to give it all and not just quit on us.     There's reasons she doesn't work right now because of renovating her house etc she had plans to go to work after Christmas as her dad said that time is best for her.   

I just feel terrible now and question weather ending it was right, she told me on the phone just know I really loved you and would have done anything for you and you are going to regret pushing me away..   relationships are when you fight for eachother and stick through anything and everything no matter how hard they are.. weve just been arguing a lot and things habve been so horrible for this past week...   she said its unfair giving space when she knows what she wants 100% and willing to be there for me no matter what or how hard and I should be the same. She said she would block me etc so she could move on but she has not done that yet. And even if she did give me space and I come back she cant guarantee she will feel the same about me or that it could work if we tried again...   I'm thinking shall I just block now?  then I think of the loneliness, the nobody putting effort to me or fighting for things and my mind plays 1000 things in circles.

[JRabbit]

On 12/14/2021 at 1:58 PM, lee179108 said:

Yes a mixture of savings and her father still pays her a wage..  

Ok, this right here. Is she OK with this for eternity? What are her long term plans? She has too much money and time, and expects you to have the same. People who don't work by choice often have a skewed idea of how much time someone who does work has to tend to their needs.

Also, if she isnt working now, what are her future plans? She will likely need someone to take care her financially her whole life

[JRabbit]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

whereas other people just give up instantly over small things.

Thats manipulation. These things aren't "small things". They are red flags that others have acted on and you have not.

[JRabbit]

19 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

she had plans to go to work after Christmas as her dad said that time is best for her.   

Quote

  I'm thinking shall I just block now?  then I think of the loneliness, the nobody putting effort to me or fighting for things and my mind plays 1000 things in circles.

She's 29. Why is her dad ruling her life?

You can and will do better. 

Edited December 16, 2021 by JRabbit

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

 I think of the loneliness, the nobody putting effort to me or fighting for things and my mind plays 1000 things in circles.

Exactly you were doing this for yourself at her expense. Let her be. You need to improve your own social and dating life.

[lee179108]

41 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

She's 29. Why is her dad ruling her life?

You can and will do better. 

Thank you, he's not ruling her life just giving her options and advice...   a lot of people are telling me she is manipulative.. but maybe I dont see it because I see her kindness and caring ways and how she plans things for me and wants to make me happy.  

[glows]

2 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Thank you, he's not ruling her life just giving her options and advice...   a lot of people are telling me she is manipulative.. but maybe I dont see it because I see her kindness and caring ways and how she plans things for me and wants to make me happy.  

Are you happy?

[lee179108]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Are you happy?

I'm happy with the fact she wants to put effort in, apologise and work on arguments and wants to be there for me when I have other problems with family etc...  but im not happy with how she takes things the wrong way sometimes..  yes I know and she has said I say something totally wrong and when I reflect yes I agree. She just wanted my all into this relationship because thats what she was giving and didnt feel I gave the same. 

And now I cant stop thinking that I've lost a great girl who's attractive, would have done anything for me and treated me nice and who I could trust and I feel so bad.