What to do with this situation?

[Kamille]

 What is striking is that she tells you what to think, even what to think about the break up. 

It's nice to have someone who is willing to work on the relationship together. Only, working on a relationship is about nurturing a relationship, feeding what is positive about it, believing a partner has good intentions even in conflict, and believing that both partners can work conflict out. This usually significantly reduces drama in a relationship. 

It's not what you described here: here, it sounds more like a relationship based on obligations, mistrust and drama. 

 

[lee179108]

Yeah the fact I asked for space and to be alone for a few days she saw it as she didnt know where she stands and shes by her phone constantly waiting for me to give a decision which is making her ill and shes not sleeping and eating because of it all. She said she wants someone who is all in 100% willing to work through anything together and not give up on losing eachother.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/14/2021 at 11:03 AM, lee179108 said:

I do like my own time and talking to friends etc and watching TV...  She even picked me up from a night out when I woke her up at 3am. Nobodys ever done that for me. 

Enjoy your freedom. However you seem to have a pick-and-choose mindset. When you want to be with friends, watch TV play video games, etc. "she's clingy".

But you don't mind her buying you stuff or chauffeuring you around at 3am after parting with your friends.

[lee179108]

Not that I dont mind it... i called her not expecting her to pick up and get me..  i just was alone, could not find a cab so didnt know what else to do.  I tried to compromise, she just got more intense and wanted to be with me every day.. times I said i like my own space shed worry, overthink and think the worst and say im not putting in the effort to her. I never wanted her to buy me stuff and kept telling her not to but she kept doing it.    Im just saying I appreciated everything she did like that.. 

I see all of her kindness, I just feel so bad now for some reason...   all my friends tell me shes manipulative and controlling and has mental issues and if she didnt she would not turn up to mine at 2am and would respect me and give me space and not cry or scream all the time.  I just hope I wont regret this decision and can move on.

[glows]

Break ups are usually filled with a mix of emotions. 

Let’s say she’s not manipulative or controlling as your friends say. She didn’t seem to let the rl unfold naturally and still seemed insecure. It shortchanged the both of you from growing together over time. Whenever she wants something it’s her way.. or cry. How can the other person ever feel comfortable or confident in having a difference of opinion? You wished for more opportunity with friends and wanted a life outside of your time together. She wants more time with you and all your free time with her because she doesn’t have a life outside of one with you. 

I saw two issues earlier - that you are incompatible but you’re both unwilling to compromise as a couple or accept each other. You’re filled with remorse now because you only see what you’re missing but I don’t think you’ve fully registered what she was asking of you in the relationship. Are you clear about what she wanted and why you disagreed? 

Give yourself some time to let this settle, at least a week. Things might seem a little different in a few days.

[Girl Fade Away]

On 12/14/2021 at 8:03 AM, lee179108 said:

She then cries and screamed and threw something to the floor

After she screamed 

She then flipped

She then got mad and said some horrible stuff

she then screamed and cried

she said nasty stuff to me .... and called me names

she showed up at mine at 1:00 am crying and sobbing...

lee, please understand, this is NOT 'small' stuff.  This is BIG stuff and it's mental abuse, if not emotional abuse.  She is mentally unstable and needs professional help not a boyfriend.

Your mindset right now that she's "trying hard" to work it out when everyone else throws in the towel and that you admire her for it is toxic thinking.  It's the mindset of abuse victims to justify remaining in a toxic and very unhealthy and co-dependent relationship.

As I posted earlier, not sure any of us here have to tools to help you, this is something only a qualified professional can help you sort through.

But the first step is at least acknowledging that IS 100% dysfunctional and toxic and then seeking help to understand why you are drawn to (and choose to remain in) such unstable, abusive and toxic situations and relationships.

I wish you the best.

 

Edited December 16, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 i called her not expecting her to pick up and get me..  i just was alone, could not find a cab so didnt know what else to do. 

Wouldn't it be better to have better friends you can rely on than take advantage of this emotionally instable women you knew 12 weeks? Why are you calling someone at 3am "not expecting them to get you"? 

It may be time to reflect on a somewhat predatory approach to women. Such as that outrageous call and not paying her back for groceries. And manipulating a clearly fragile people.

If you want to hang out with friends get drunk until 3am, make arrangements to get  yourself home. Don't call someone you couldn't be bothered to take on a date.

Overall you seem exploitative throughout your interactions with her. Reflect on your choices and why. 

Edited December 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Snow_Queen]

It seems like you’re associating her over the top actions as a form of love. It doesn’t sound like this is your first experience, either. Many people who have been in emotionally manipulative relationships tend to believe drama equals love. She’s not really fighting for you. She’s fighting for control of the relationship. When you finally meet someone stable and drama free, are you going to view that lack of drama as a sign of low interest? That’s where I see this heading. 
 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, lee179108 said:

She said she wants someone who is all in 100% willing to work through anything together and not give up on losing eachother.

This a very childish view of love - especially at just 3 months. 

It's also incredibly desperate. These aren't the words of a woman in love. They're the words of a woman who is emotionally stunted and is desperate for control. 

[lee179108]

43 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

lee, please understand, this is NOT 'small' stuff.  This is BIG stuff and it's mental abuse, if not emotional abuse.  She is mentally unstable and needs professional help not a boyfriend.

Your mindset right now that she's "trying hard" to work it out when everyone else throws in the towel and that you admire her for it is toxic thinking.  It's the mindset of abuse victims to justify remaining in a toxic and very unhealthy and co-dependent relationship.

As I posted earlier, not sure any of us here have to tools to help you, this is something only a qualified professional can help you sort through.

But the first step is at least acknowledging that IS 100% dysfunctional and toxic and then seeking help to understand why you are drawn to (and choose to remain in) such unstable, abusive and toxic situations and relationships.

I wish you the best.

 

thanks, like now shes sent me an instagram quote saying she isnt the easiest to love and shes insecure and will require reassurance and push people away for her flaws.. but she will love me with all her effort no matter what. She then called me crying and sobbing and said she wanted to give it one last try to see if i was willing to save the relationship but now she knows and said she felt stupid for sending me that quote and even trying..  said im a d*** for leading her on and making her fall hard because she loves me. Told me shell never bother me again and she promises me i will regret this and she wont be there, and i wont ever find someone who would do anything for me like she would or love me as much and never give up no matter how hard.

[lee179108]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wouldn't it be better to have better friends you can rely on than take advantage of this emotionally instable women you knew 12 weeks? Why are you calling someone at 3am "not expecting them to get you"? 

It may be time to reflect on a somewhat predatory approach to women. Such as that outrageous call and not paying her back for groceries. And manipulating a clearly fragile people.

If you want to hang out with friends get drunk until 3am, make arrangements to get  yourself home. Don't call someone you couldn't be bothered to take on a date.

Overall you seem exploitative throughout your interactions with her. Reflect on your choices and why. 

wasnt taking advantage at all..  i took her on dates of course i did...   not exploitative either so maybe dont make assumptions or accusations on people? you dont know me so dont even dare throwing around stuff like that and keep ur opinions to yourself and I'd appreciate if you dont comment further on this thread because I dont want to listen to someone like you.

[lee179108]

4 hours ago, Snow_Queen said:

It seems like you’re associating her over the top actions as a form of love. It doesn’t sound like this is your first experience, either. Many people who have been in emotionally manipulative relationships tend to believe drama equals love. She’s not really fighting for you. She’s fighting for control of the relationship. When you finally meet someone stable and drama free, are you going to view that lack of drama as a sign of low interest? That’s where I see this heading. 
 

after the last call which i mention below.. she then blocked me off all platforms and deleted my number..   said shes doing it to move on and get over me. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, lee179108 said:

thanks, like now shes sent me an instagram quote saying she isnt the easiest to love and shes insecure and will require reassurance and push people away for her flaws.. but she will love me with all her effort no matter what. 

This crap is written by dysfunctional people, for dysfunctional people. 

Just because someone put it on IG does not make it any less toxic and abusive of a concept. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 said im a d*** for leading her on . she promises me i will regret this .

Why are you tolerating this berating and verbal abuse? Hopefully you are not just addicted to drama out of boredom.

You already know she's unstable. Why not diplomatically end it and delete and block her?

Also the longer you string her along the more you risk getting your tires slashed.

Keep in mind she doesn't hesitate to drive to your place at all hours in an emotionally charged state of mind.

[lee179108]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you tolerating this berating and verbal abuse? Hopefully you are not just addicted to drama out of boredom.

You already know she's unstable. Why not diplomatically end it and delete and block her?

Also the longer you string her along the more you risk getting your tires slashed.

Keep in mind she doesn't hesitate to drive to your place at all hours in an emotionally charged state of mind.

I hate drama!  I just know she was upset, sad and angry at the time...  I do feel terrible now after the whole thing, because she did love me and I think about what if I was just patient with her.. made the effort despite her insecurities. I obviously care for her too and like her otheriwse I wouldn't be like this... but shes gone now, shes blocked me off whatsapp, number and deleted off fb and instagram.

[ExpatInItaly]

Being patient with mentally unstable people doesn’t make them not mentally unstable, OP.

She needs therapy. Not a boyfriend to abuse. 

[lee179108]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Being patient with mentally unstable people doesn’t make them not mentally unstable, OP.

She needs therapy. Not a boyfriend to abuse. 

Yeah, I just find it difficult to see that she is mentally unstable because of her kindness and effort that was put into me.. shes admitted to being insecure, hard to trust people and wants reassurance due to bad past experiences. But when I make her feel comfortable shes worth it..

[Snow_Queen]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

Yeah, I just find it difficult to see that she is mentally unstable because of her kindness and effort that was put into me.. 

Are you sure about that? Go back and read where you discussed her reactions to you.

[glows]

15 hours ago, lee179108 said:

after the last call which i mention below.. she then blocked me off all platforms and deleted my number..   said shes doing it to move on and get over me. 

Nothing's really going to feel ok after a falling out like that especially if you care for someone. The best thing you can do for yourself is just ride the wave and take care of yourself. Let time do the healing.

[Girl Fade Away]

3 hours ago, lee179108 said:

I just find it difficult to see that she is mentally unstable because of her kindness and effort that was put into me.. 

What? There is absolutely nothing kind or her putting positive effort into you about ANY of this. 👎

22 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

She then cries and screamed and threw something to the floor

After she screamed 

She then flipped

She then got mad and said some horrible stuff

she then screamed and cried

she said nasty stuff to me .... and called me names

she showed up at mine at 1:00 am crying and sobbing...

Disregarding these things and seeing her as "kind" is 1000% dysfunctional and toxic thinking. 

It's mental and emotional manipulation and abuse. 

It's sad and heartbreaking that you can't see it.  

What you are experiencing is denial, not uncommon.  I hope you will seek professional help to help you sort through your conflicting emotions.

 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[stillafool]

On 12/14/2021 at 11:49 AM, lee179108 said:

I get that, she just threatens to walk out my house and go home and I dont want that so I try solve the situation instead of letting her leave on bad terms.

The next time she threatens to leave and go home let her, I promise if you do she won't do that again.  She wants you to stop her,  another form of manipulation, just let her go.  Don't try to control her or her emotions.

Edited December 17, 2021 by stillafool

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Yeah, I just find it difficult to see that she is mentally unstable because of her kindness and effort that was put into me..

You see her as kind because she buys you stuff and picked you up at 3AM.  She does this stuff so you'll owe her.  It isn't genuine.

[healing light]

On 12/15/2021 at 3:03 PM, spiderowl said:

I think you need to assess how much of this treatment of you is due to her being abused in the past and how much is her personality.

 

I like your post but at this point I don't think it matters whether this woman is acting out because of being abused in the past or if this is her personality--she is clearly not ready to be a partner in a healthy, stable relationship.

Many of the behaviors she's exhibited are volatile/emotionally abusive/ripe for walking on eggshells at best. Any further analysis, imo, is wasted time that should be spent planning an exit.

[healing light]

7 hours ago, lee179108 said:

I hate drama!

If you truly hated drama, you would have been gone by now. That's all she's offering. It is not your job to fix her. She is supposed to be a partner, not a project. No amount of reassurance will change her into a secure woman beyond the moment. It will, however, become extremely draining long-term for you and turn you into a shell of your former self.

 

19 hours ago, lee179108 said:

after the last call which i mention below.. she then blocked me off all platforms and deleted my number..   said shes doing it to move on and get over me. 

My guess is she'll probably be back, so be wary if this is the case. I know it hurts, but she really did you a massive favor since you were hesitating pulling the plug on this obviously toxic situation.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 I just find it difficult to see that she is mentally unstable because of her kindness and effort that was put into me.

There's a scene in "Fatal Attraction" where the unstable woman buys him opera tickets.

So beware of what you consider "kindness", including her being crazy enough to haul out of bed at 3am to pick you up or randomly showing up at your place at 1am sobbing.

 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Wiseman2