What to do with this situation?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, in all seriousness, were you feeling very lonely when you met her? 

What is your relationship history like that this doesn't look like a total disaster to you? 

[lee179108]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, in all seriousness, were you feeling very lonely when you met her? 

What is your relationship history like that this doesn't look like a total disaster to you? 

I was kinda lonely yes, my last relationship wasnt good.  she was messing me around and never put effort into seeing me or make me happy or kind and considerate etc...  she messed with my head.  When this girl came along and put the effort in and did stuff it felt great, not to mention she is very attractive.  Another example of her getting triggered is when she said she felt sick, I said for her to go to the doctors for help and she said she cant ever talk to me about things and how shes feeling, said i just jump to go to the doctors and thats that. She went mad once because I said for her to come to mine at 5pm... even thought she was staying the night and the following night...  because she wanted me to want to spend the whole day with me and more time.. 

 

I do miss her right now, i was debating reaching out  and I feel so bad because all I remember is her crying saying how much she loves me and trying one last time to make me want to be with her..   

[lee179108]

Also just found out shes on facebook dating, just joined...  and im feeling bad about it all..

[Girl Fade Away]

Lee, I would highly recommend you do some major introspection, lots of reading about interpersonal and abusive relationships and the like and seeking professional help to determine why in the world you were (and are) drawn into such toxicity and highly dramatic relationships.  And why, even now, after she discarded you like yesterday's trash (sorry) you are still idealizing her to such a high degree, she treated you horribly!

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

not to mention she is very attractive.

Is it because she's so hot?  I only ask because you would not be the first man who dismissed such unstable, abusive and frankly psycho behavior because you found a woman hot, not to mention the spectacular sex which you haven't mentioned but I have sneaking suspicion is why, or one reason, why you are in such denial and refuse to see this girl for who she really is.

 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[lee179108]

3 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Lee, I would highly recommend you do some major introspection, lots of reading about interpersonal and abusive relationships and the like and seeking professional help to determine why in the world you were (and are) drawn into such toxicity and highly dramatic relationships.  And why, even now, after she discarded you like yesterday's trash (sorry) you are still idealizing her to such a high degree, she treated you horribly!

Is it because she's so hot?  I only ask because you would not be the first man who dismissed such unstable, abusive and frankly psycho behavior because you found a woman hot, not to mention the spectacular sex which you haven't mentioned but I have sneaking suspicion is why, or one reason, why you are in such denial and refuse to see this girl for who she really is.

 

Yeah the sex was great and frequent... but before the week of arguments i couldnt fault her for anything... she even told me herself weeks ago that she has a huge guard up due to her past which pushes people away.  I dont know why.. i feel like its put a downer on christmas and ive been dating for over a year now with no luck..  I will do some research on what you said.. but when i reflect on her i do feel really sorry for her on what shes been through and how upset she got.. because she did show to me that  i meant a lot.  I doubt she will unblock me.. she only did on whatsapp and my number.. and removed me off fb and insta. 

[Girl Fade Away]

46 minutes ago, lee179108 said:

Yeah the sex was great and frequent... but before the week of arguments i couldnt fault her for anything.

She then cries and screamed and threw something to the floor

After she screamed 

She then flipped

She then got mad and said some horrible stuff

she then screamed and cried

she said nasty stuff to me .... and called me names

she showed up at mine at 1:00 am crying and sobbing...

----

So all this happened within the span of one week?

Edited December 18, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[lee179108]

21 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

She then cries and screamed and threw something to the floor

After she screamed 

She then flipped

She then got mad and said some horrible stuff

she then screamed and cried

she said nasty stuff to me .... and called me names

she showed up at mine at 1:00 am crying and sobbing...

----

So all this happened within the span of one week?

Yes, so last friday was the first major scream and cry...  before that day we were bickering and small arguments out of nothing...  then sunday we had an argument, and monday morning was another scream and cry... then tuesday she turned up at mine at 1am.. i was already up and awake... wed talked on the phone beforehand and she asked me if i wanted her to come to sort things out.. she looked broken when she arrived and so depressed.. we argued.. she stormed out drove off at high speed then 5 minutes later said she was blocking me and to never contact her again.. 5 minutes later she called crying asking if i want her to come back and stay.. so i said yes and she did and she came here and we hugged and she cried..  then since then it all went downhill.. i said i wanted space due to things going on with my parents and other issues.. and she was upset saying im pushing her away when she would do anything for me and we should want to be there for eachother. she said I was unfair leaving her hanging and not knowing and it was making her ill and not sleep as she was waiting for me to call and want to work it out.  She said she loved me and tried 1 last time to see if i wanted it but when i said i still need space and to see my parents she cried hard and said she felt stupid because now she knows i dont care..   (thats not the case)    thats when she then blocked me of whatsapp and removed me off insta.

[stillafool]

OMG, I don't know how you even STAND this girl, leave her blocked and for goodness sake move on with your life.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, lee179108 said:

I was kinda lonely yes, my last relationship wasnt good.  she was messing me around and never put effort into seeing me or make me happy or kind and considerate etc...  she messed with my head.  When this girl came along and put the effort in and did stuff it felt great

I figured this is exactly why you're in this mess. 

Even the swampiest of ponds can look appealing when we're very thirsty. 

[healing light]

19 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Yes, so last friday was the first major scream and cry...  before that day we were bickering and small arguments out of nothing...  then sunday we had an argument, and monday morning was another scream and cry... then tuesday she turned up at mine at 1am.. i was already up and awake... wed talked on the phone beforehand and she asked me if i wanted her to come to sort things out.. she looked broken when she arrived and so depressed.. we argued.. she stormed out drove off at high speed then 5 minutes later said she was blocking me and to never contact her again.. 5 minutes later she called crying asking if i want her to come back and stay.. so i said yes and she did and she came here and we hugged and she cried..  then since then it all went downhill.. i said i wanted space due to things going on with my parents and other issues.. and she was upset saying im pushing her away when she would do anything for me and we should want to be there for eachother. she said I was unfair leaving her hanging and not knowing and it was making her ill and not sleep as she was waiting for me to call and want to work it out.  She said she loved me and tried 1 last time to see if i wanted it but when i said i still need space and to see my parents she cried hard and said she felt stupid because now she knows i dont care..   (thats not the case)    thats when she then blocked me of whatsapp and removed me off insta.

Remember, this is supposed to be the honeymoon period. When people are on their absolute best behavior before the true test of time kicks in and you see all the different sides of a person, warts and all. But unfortunately it was wrought with arguments and hysterics. This is how you know that this situation could have never, ever worked, so don't take it to heart that she blocked you. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now, she is saving you both from tons of future pain together as it is sure this could have only gone to worse places.

Also, space is a non-negotiable need for a lot of people to process things, especially when there are other hardships going on in your life to consider. Any person who doesn't understand that is not mature enough for a relationship. Most people would need space just to wrap their minds around her red flag behavior. She would have been an endless needy abyss that you could never satisfy because she's extremely insecure and that has nothing to do with you. That your request for space was met with guilt-tripping and blocking--that says all you need to know.

[lee179108]

2 hours ago, healing light said:

Remember, this is supposed to be the honeymoon period. When people are on their absolute best behavior before the true test of time kicks in and you see all the different sides of a person, warts and all. But unfortunately it was wrought with arguments and hysterics. This is how you know that this situation could have never, ever worked, so don't take it to heart that she blocked you. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now, she is saving you both from tons of future pain together as it is sure this could have only gone to worse places.

Also, space is a non-negotiable need for a lot of people to process things, especially when there are other hardships going on in your life to consider. Any person who doesn't understand that is not mature enough for a relationship. Most people would need space just to wrap their minds around her red flag behavior. She would have been an endless needy abyss that you could never satisfy because she's extremely insecure and that has nothing to do with you. That your request for space was met with guilt-tripping and blocking--that says all you need to know.

Thanks,  the reason I asked for space was because my mom is ill, I lost my uncle and even though we wernt close  my mom is sad over that and I had to go to my friends dad's funeral... topped with the arguments with her last week. It all came at once so I wanted to go to my parents who live an hour away and asked for space..  We didnt talk for most the day and thats when she called me crying and sobbing to let her know where she stands and if i wanted to be with her as its not fair to leave her hanging.. that was the night she then came to my house at the early hours.  She said It wasnt fair me keeping her hanging because if two people love eachother they work on the tough times and get through it together no matter what. I understood that but due to what I had going on I just needed space and time so myself to reflect and take things in. She is very insecure when it comes to guys yes and she has told me that is due to her past. 

After all that and 2 days ago more crying on the phone when we ended she blocked me off whatsapp and removed me only off social media. The next day she was on fb dating and today I noticed she unblocked me off whatsapp As she was still on my message list and her picture reappeared.. nothing has been said yet though. So I dont understand why she said she wanted to block me to move on and there's no going back but now she's unblocked me. 

[healing light]

1 hour ago, lee179108 said:

Thanks,  the reason I asked for space was because my mom is ill, I lost my uncle and even though we wernt close  my mom is sad over that and I had to go to my friends dad's funeral... topped with the arguments with her last week. It all came at once so I wanted to go to my parents who live an hour away and asked for space..  We didnt talk for most the day and thats when she called me crying and sobbing to let her know where she stands and if i wanted to be with her as its not fair to leave her hanging.

 

I had an ex who did something similar while my dad was dying. He concluded my need for space actually stemmed from needing to spend more time with him and even made my father's funeral all about him when a male friend gave me a condolences hug.

The reason you need space shouldn't matter in regards to whether she decides to honor it, as it's occasionally a fundamental need in a relationship, but especially when things are going south in other areas of your life that need tending to. People have different requirements for space and how they communicate it and navigate it is also a part of compatibility. For her to make this period all about her is supremely selfish after you didn't leave her hanging--you clearly articulated a reasonable need for space, which most partners would need anyway if someone they're with is engaged in constant push/pull toxic dynamics.

She is not someone who is ready for long-term with anyone. Though, I will say, don't be surprised as I stated earlier if she comes back. She sounds very co-dependent and usually the more toxic the relationship, the more breakups/makeups there are. She won't stay committed to her decision so be prepared to send her packing when she comes sniffing around again for her supply. Because otherwise you are in for more of the same and unfortunately it appears it will only be downhill from here....

[glows]

You need someone stronger, OP. 

Life is long. All the screaming and crying.. over what exactly? Dating over a handful of weeks? In the face of illness and death have someone stronger, more mature and more stable by your side. 

Stop looking at her social media on Facebook or elsewhere. Give yourself the gift of freedom and peace. It’s time to let go. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

 We didnt talk for most the day and thats when she called me crying and sobbing to let her know where she stands and if i wanted to be with her as its not fair to leave her hanging..

All in all, I believe that she's too fragile/reactive to be in a functional relationship.

However, if you went AWOL couple of days and didn't give her a head's up about what was going on, then it's completely understandable that she was thrown for a loop.  Not that I'm justifying her extreme reaction to what happened, but I think it's just basic courtesy to let her know what was going on. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, glows said:

Life is long. All the screaming and crying.. over what exactly? Dating over a handful of weeks? In the face of illness and death have someone stronger, more mature and more stable by your side. 

Precisely.

This woman is not a good partner, OP. She is unable to cope and doesn't have control over her emotional faculties. My guess is that she has some more serious underlying mental health problems, because this is not just basic insecurity or frustration. This is not coming only from a bad past with men, mark my words.  I have no doubt that didn't help matters; however, her childish and extreme reactions, along with emotionally abusive behaviour, indicate she is problematic herself too. 

Does she have a her good points? Probably. Nearly everyone does. Does that mean she is capable of having a functional, mature and mutually-supportive relationship? Well, no, you can see she isn't. Or, at least, you're starting to see it. I would suggest you do a deep-dive on yourself to examine why you are attracted to this toxicity. 

[lee179108]

Yeah I see your points, maybe I didnt communicate in the right or clear way that kept her hanging or unsure what would happen.. but due to everything going on I needed that space and through it all I didnt know how to handle it properly. I know a lot of girls can be emotional, fragile and dramatic and she has a lot of good points to her. But for some reason something just felt off and kept playing on my mind. Her then saying the best relationships are those who never give up through the bad and are fully committed no matter what made me second guess and feel bad.  I've dealt with a horrible breakup in my last relationship which took me a very long time to get over. My head played multiple stories and worries over and over and it affected me in my day to day life because it came out of nowhere and I loved her.  I know I need to do things I like fill my time, talk with friends, gym and just not car  about dating and let it happen naturally. Hopefully 2022 will be a better year.  

Edited December 19, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[glows]

It will be. Give yourself some time to decompress. 

Yes, committing to someone is a big step  after you’ve both come to the conclusion that you are compatible and would like the same things for yourselves. Not before. Latching so quickly like this within weeks (three months according to your first post) is desperately alarming. 

That you need space in this short time together is a glaring indication also that her reactions are over the top and inappropriate given the circumstances. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, lee179108 said:

Her then saying the best relationships are those who never give up through the bad and are fully committed no matter what made me second guess and feel bad.  

That was exactly her goal. 

She is very manipulative, and this nonsense about people never giving up no matter what is just that - nonsense. It's what abusers tell their victims to get them to stay under their thumbs and contiknue taking the abuse. 

Stay away from her. She is toxic. 

 

Edited December 19, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[lee179108]

On 12/19/2021 at 6:25 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

That was exactly her goal. 

She is very manipulative, and this nonsense about people never giving up no matter what is just that - nonsense. It's what abusers tell their victims to get them to stay under their thumbs and contiknue taking the abuse. 

Stay away from her. She is toxic. 

 

So update on all of this as 30/12/21

 

So I got back in touch with her via email, I just had to for my own sanity because I just didnt want to think 'what if', I missed her and did recognise my own flaws in certain things and the good she brought.  So we laid it all out, she came to my house and we argued more, she said how certain comments ive made in the past affected her, the fact she's spent a lot of money and I dont do the effort to plan things.  In that one or two days with us not speaking she texted that guy she choose me over and planned to meet him, I said to her you cant have loved me and been devastated like you said you were if you went straight to him. She said she just texted him as he was nice and she wanted someone to talk to where the topic was not about me. I said how this was not normal for someone who loves someone and then calls it off..  anyway we argued, laid it all out.. I said to her if you wanna make this work you got to delete and block him, because I dont want to be thinking about him in the back of my head and I dont want to be competing and worrying. She said no because if things go wrong with us shes not prepared to do that and that I should prove to her that I will fight for her and show her im the right person. That night she stayed over and I slept on it,  the next morning he texted her to say good morning have a good day. I asked if he texted her and she told me that and then said you dont even do that, I then got mad and said forget this, im not doing it.. if youre not prepared to get rid of him then we aint gonna work because im not having this in my head constantly. She then said fine, acted like she didnt care.. and as soon as she went out the door and i closed it she came back in crying, saying how she would block him and delete him as she wants to be with me.  At that time I was so made about everything and was in a rush to see my brother. I left the house and then spoke to her over email again... laid out everything i felt that she made me feel and she did the same to me...  after couple days of talking on that we agreed to forget it all, communicate in a better way, be open and honest at all times. So she came to mine day before xmas eve, we exchanged presents, had food and watched a movie and it was really nice. 

The next morning I had a haircut booked for 10:30am,  usually I go early to arrive on time but this time i thought since my barber is always late I will just arrive later. She was suspicious straight away, said to me that she is bothered because there is no way I would make it there on time when im leaving my house at 10:20am. I said to her id call her back as I was in the store and explained to her my reasoning for this.  I then sent her a photo of me at the barber shop when I was there to reassure her but I didnt call her back (my fault I know) but i thought the photo would reassure her better.  She flipped because I didnt call her back when I said I would and she was waiting for my call, she thought that I just made up excuses to get her out of my house early so I could spend the day alone.  I was going to spend the day alone yes but I did not make excuses to get her out...  anyway after some time she apologised for being difficult about the situation.  

 

26th of December - so we arranged to meet at my house on the 27th -28th and again over new years. On the 28th I was going to a friends house who i havent sene in 7 months for some drinks as he lives near my parents...  I texted her on the 26th to ask what the plans were and she confirmed..   that morning I found out my uncles funeral was on the 30th.. (im not going as theres only a select few going)  i told her that was happening and that I wasnt going. I then told her my mom thought I was staying at her house over the new year.. I said how i felt bad since my mom would be going to the funeral and she would be sad. I then asked her if she would mind if we cancelled our plans new years due to that reason. She then flipped again saying that im never straight with her, that I didnt even mention alternative plans and that again I dont make effort or care about treating her right, that I care more about drinking with my friend instead of our relationship. Thing is I would have made alternative plans but I thought she would have been understanding due to the situation.. maybe I didnt word it or express it good enough i dont know. But I thought that id be seeing her on the 27th anyway where shed stay the night.  I then didnt want to argue anymore and I was sitting in the room with my parents at their house. She tried to call me but I didnt answer as I didnt want to argue or shout and have them listening to me so I said to just message and we can talk later. She flipped and then said how she is done with me, for me to never email or contact her again and that she is blocking me off everything. She said good luck trying to find someone, I sad good luck to her to which she said I already have found someone.  (I presume to be that guy again she choose me over)  she also said to me in future maybe go to your parents and dont go to your friends house so they know you care about them.  I said thanks but youve never met my parents so I dont need your advice, she said oh i think you do and ive made you realise something about them. I said good for you but you're wrong.. she then said bye and that was it blocked. 

So here I am now missing her and feeling jealous or weird about the thought of her gone to that guy, why am I like this?  I guess again im thinking of she did put a lot of effort into seeing me and was kind to me and very attractive. I hope the right thing happened and I wont live to regret it all.. but yeah its such a weird one, maybe I could have worded things better instead of saying lets cancel plans.. but I did think she'd be understanding about it. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Hopefully you have learned now that this is never going to work, and it never was. 

You won't regret it because it wasn't going to end in Happily Ever After anyway. 

[lee179108]

On 12/30/2021 at 3:36 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Hopefully you have learned now that this is never going to work, and it never was. 

You won't regret it because it wasn't going to end in Happily Ever After anyway. 

Oh i deeply regret it....  because she's the only one out of a lot of girls who's put the effort into seeing me, made effort to do nice things and was really loving..     based on how it ended over the plans for new year etc what I mention in my last message  i think that was the last straw for her, since then she's not got in contact to me when I've tried to explain my reasoning and apologised etc via email.. as im blocked off everything else... 

I know for 100% fact she has gone to that guy I mention.. the one who she originally picked me over.   But hey, I guess if you believe in fate or whatever then one way or another  maybe she will be back in future.  like 3 or 4 days her sister messaged me on facebook to say she was sorry things didn't work out and that she would speak to her the next day. I presume she did but nothing has been said since..  based on how she messaged that guy last time we said it ended...  I know for certain she has now gone to him and progressed. I do think she is the type who struggles to be alone and because she kept saying to me when arguing he 'was nice and caring'  I just know this is what's happened. There has to be a reason she choose me over him to begin with.. weather that was looks or what I don't know... she originally stated it was because she stayed the night at mine so could not progress with him due to getting closer to me.  Who knows... I just feel bad right now and wish things were different. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, lee179108 said:

because she's the only one out of a lot of girls who's put the effort into seeing me, made effort to do nice things and was really loving.. 

And also treated you like dog-dung. You are being willfully blind to how horrible she also was to you. 

You would be wise to stop dating for a while and work on your improving your self-worth. It's in shambles if this toxic person seemed like a great option to you.