Still hung up over ex

[Ldog92]

Good morning guys! 

 

I’ve been debating over the last week whether I should post something again, but there’s such great advice on here I thought I’d take a chance.

 

Some of you may remember my post back in September, when I spoke about me and my ex breaking up. We were on/off for 6 years then we split for 18 months, but then at the beginning of June this year I moved in with her and our kids for around two and half months to give it a go.

 

It didn’t work out and we slipped back into old ways. I really wanted it to work at first, as I knew this was basically the last chance. Strangely though when I was in the relationship I realised the fairytale ending just wasn’t going to be and I seriously questioned whether it’s even what I wanted, especially from a relationship. It’s like I enjoyed the chase of getting the ex back, but then when I got the relationship back I really questioned whether I wanted it. Because of the arguing and lack of affection etc from my ex, things just didn’t change. I feel I was much more invested into giving it a go though then she was, and that’s fair enough as it’s pretty much true. 

 

So that was mid August we called the relationship a day and I moved back out. Since then she has got into a relationship with someone else literally 3/4 weeks after I moved out, not just dating an official relationship. She then moved him into the family home by the end of September time. In the last week of October she got engaged to him, and I found out a week ago she’s now pregnant with him (despite telling me in the summer she never wants kids with another man as having our 2 is hard enough). It’s been such a hard pill to swallow all of that happening within the space of just 3 months or so.
 

This relationship pattern and timescale though she’s found with her new man is IDENTICAL to how my ex wanted our relationship to go back in 2014 when we met. We were both so young so I didn’t want to get engaged and have kids so early. But within the first few months she made it extremely clear she was almost desperate to get engaged, and she wanted kids early etc. so 7 years later she’s now finally got that person who will give her all them things on a plate. She’s a girl that’s only main goal in life is to be in a settled, secure, marriage with kids. That’s all she wants in life. Make of that what you will as we are all different…
 

I know she’s an ex now, so it’s none of my business what she does essentially. But my brain doesn’t function like that, and I still think about her and the situation so much throughout the day I dream about her practically every night! 

 

I suppose we all look for the magic answer in situations like this. We look for that magic potion that we sip and our minds and hearts change and are now free from all the overthinking and hurt over our ex’s. I know the general answer in this case is “move on” and “focus on yourself now” etc. i have tried to do that. I go to the gym 5 days a week and work towards my goals there, and I’ve recently taken on a job as a door supervisor. So Friday and Saturday nights I do that, and I get to meet new people and it takes my mind off it all a bit and who knows I may find the love of my life there?! (Wishful thinking)

 

I mentioned before in a post what really gets me frustrated is when I was right there in the thick of the relationship I didn’t feel wanted. I had serious doubts whether the relationship is even what I wanted. My ex didn’t make me feel loved or make me feel like she wanted us to work and last. I knew I had to leave the relationship sooner rather than later because it just wasn’t working. So why now despite all of that do I still think about her all of the time? Sadly I do genuinely believe deep down I do love her, but I feel there’s more to it than that, I feel it’s more of a me issue than it’s because of her. Despite everything and the way she was. I just don’t quite know what it’s going to take for my brain and heart to eventually draw the line, move forward and be genuinely happy in my life. Everyone assures me it just takes time, but that time is different for every person. I just hope it doesn’t take years off my life to get over this heartache.

 

Any advice or comments are welcome guys, thank you! 

[UniverseInMe]

Hello Ldog92. First off I'm sorry you're going through this because I know exactly how you feel. Around 5 years ago I got together with a woman who ended up being extremely toxic towards me. I felt for the first time in 45 years that a woman got the best of me. It's like the more she was toxic and distant, the more i wanted her. I was very much attracted to her physically too. Yes, I had my own issues obviously.

One day I split from her in a heated argument. She did something that really upset me. I would soon live to regret that decision. Any way, what followed was 3 1/2 years of me completely and utterly pining for this woman. I was living in absolute misery and I'm not kidding, so much so that I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind, like literally dude. In that 3 1/2 years I even broke no contact like 3 or 4 times but every time she broke me down without any consideration whatsoever. Please stay with me because I'm going to get to a point. I would even pray to God to have her come back countless times. I got that desperate. It was truly pathetic. I was having full blown panic attacks too! It was really, really awful man, I can't describe with enough words what I went through. 

Any way, finally, one day, she came back, after 3 1/2 years! I couldn't believe it. It's like I was finally able to breath again. My eyes once again saw in color, lol. Of course I played it cool this time. I took all my mistakes from the past and did everything I can to avoid them. We became boy/girlfriend. But, of course, soon enough the problems came back. Once again I began feeling anxiety because I was so incredibly scared of losing her and going back to the misery and hell I was in in that 3 1/2 years. So I kept delaying the inevitable, until one day I just had enough. She once again did something to me that was so incredibly messed up. I messaged her and told her if she wasn't going to pick up the phone that it was over for good and I meant it. Well, she didn't and that was that.

It's now been 1 1/2 years since our second breakup and you know what? I'm completely over her, like 1000000%. I feel free like a once caged bird man. It was the most amazing gift I could've ever asked for. All I ever wanted was to break away from this dark cloud that was my ex so I can move on with my life and I finally did it. I'm so incredibly happy. I never, ever looked back. Ya, I thought about her here and there but I was totally over her. YES!!!

Moral of the story? Honestly?

The reason why you're feeling the way you're feeling and especially the way I once felt about my ex when I was not over her was all due to ego. I'm serious man. Ego. We want what we can't have. This can all be attributed to our wounded self growing up. Something must've happened to us when we grew up that made us want this kind of energy. Any way, no need to break this down any further. I think you get my point. But I can assure you that you breaking up with your woman was the best thing you needed for yourself. This part of you is your true self. But the part that's not letting go of her is your wounded soul. Some how you need to make amends with that part. This WILL eventually happen. Please believe me man. I never thought in a million years that I was ever going to get over my ex man. It was so scary how strongly I felt attached to her, almost like a gravitational pull that I had no control over. But I've now completely left that orbit and so will you. Just trust the process. 

Yes, you're still going to think about her and feel awful but if you have to re-read this as many times as possible because something is going to happen to you that's going to alter your course completely and you too will break from her orbit dude. Trust me!!!

Funny side note. Around a month ago my ex actually called me to which I missed her call. She left me a ridiculous voicemail that made no sense. I never responded and had zero urge to call her back. Just the though of going back to that misery makes me so happy I'm far and away from her.

So please, please please man, just take care as best as you can. Like I said something is going to happen to you that's going to alter the course of your life which will cause you to finally break free from her 100000%. Be ready!

Edited December 15, 2021 by UniverseInMe

[Wiseman2]

It's been over for a while and turbulent for a long time. Focus on paying child support and an organized custody and visitation schedule. 

The gym is fine but your focus needs to be being the best dad you can be.

Same situation?:

 

[Ldog92]

10 minutes ago, UniverseInMe said:

Hello Ldog92. First off I'm sorry you're going through this because I know exactly how you feel. Around 5 years ago I got together with a woman who ended up being extremely toxic towards me. I felt for the first time in 45 years that a woman got the best of me. It's like the more she was toxic and distant, the more i wanted her. I was very much attracted to her physically too. Yes, I had my own issues obviously.

One day I split from her in a heated argument. She did something that really upset me. I would soon live to regret that decision. Any way, what followed was 3 1/2 years of me completely and utterly pining for this woman. I was living in absolute misery and I'm not kidding, so much so that I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind, like literally dude. In that 3 1/2 years I even broke no contact like 3 or 4 times but every time she broke me down without any consideration whatsoever. Please stay with me because I'm going to get to a point. I would even pray to God to have her come back countless times. I got that desperate. It was truly pathetic. I was having full blown panic attacks too! It was really, really awful man, I can't describe with enough words what I went through. 

Any way, finally, one day, she came back, after 3 1/2 years! I couldn't believe it. It's like I was finally able to breath again. My eyes once again saw in color, lol. Of course I played it cool this time. I took all my mistakes from the past and did everything I can to avoid them. We became boy/girlfriend. But, of course, soon enough the problems came back. Once again I began feeling anxiety because I was so incredibly scared of losing her and going back to the misery and hell I was in in that 3 1/2 years. So I kept delaying the inevitable, until one day I just had enough. She once again did something to me that was so incredibly messed up. I messaged her and told her if she wasn't going to pick up the phone that it was over for good and I meant it. Well, she didn't and that was that.

It's now been 1 1/2 years since our second breakup and you know what? I'm completely over her, like 1000000%. I feel free like a once caged bird man. It was the most amazing gift I could've ever asked for. All I ever wanted was to break away from this dark cloud that was my ex so I can move on with my life and I finally did it. I'm so incredibly happy. I never, ever looked back. Ya, I thought about her here and there but I was totally over her. YES!!!

Moral of the story? Honestly?

The reason why you're feeling the way you're feeling and especially the way I once felt about my ex when I was not over her was all due to ego. I'm serious man. Ego. We want what we can't have. This can all be attributed to our wounded self growing up. Something must've happened to us when we grew up that made us want this kind of energy. Any way, no need to break this down any further. I think you get my point. But I can assure you that you breaking up with your woman was the best thing you needed for yourself. This part of you is your true self. But the part that's not letting go of her is your wounded soul. Some how you need to make amends with that part. This WILL eventually happen. Please believe me man. I never thought in a million years that I was ever going to get over my ex man. It was so scary how strongly I felt attached to her, almost like a gravitational pull that I had no control over. But I've now completely left that orbit and so will you. Just trust the process. 

Yes, you're still going to think about her and feel awful but if you have to re-read this as many times as possible because something is going to happen to you that's going to alter your course completely and you too will break from her orbit dude. Trust me!!!

Funny side note. Around a month ago my ex actually called me to which I missed her call. She left me a ridiculous voicemail that made no sense. I never responded and had zero urge to call her back. Just the though of going back to that misery makes me so happy I'm far and away from her.

So please, please please man, just take care as best as you can. Like I said something is going to happen to you that's going to alter the course of your life which will cause you to finally break free from her 100000%. Be ready!

Brother you wouldn’t believe how much this rings true with everything you said. I have researched high and low on why my brain might be functioning the way it is and thinking the way it is. The one word you used there that I seriously think it could all be down to is “ego”. I don’t think people realise how important and toxic egos can become. I know I’m no Brad Pitt and I’m by far the worlds most perfect boyfriend, but there’s that ego that’s really wounded. With how my ex behaves, lives her life, and treated me I always thought no one would put up with her with how I did, and take the amount of crap that comes from being with her. But she says this guy is the total opposite to her and her soul mate, and that’s how they work so well.

Naturally it has stung my ego massively. Because you can’t help but make comparisons, but it should never be about comparing the new guy and me. However, that’s what my brain does because it can’t believe how quick my ex has moved on from me and how happy she is. I worry that the only way I’ll truly get over her is by falling for someone else. But I don’t want that, I want to be able to say yes I’m over her, and I’m happy on my own.

So grateful for your lengthy reply dude, it hit home and related to me on so many levels. I’m so happy for you that you broke free and managed to find that happiness within yourself! Proud of you brother! 

[Ldog92]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's been over for a while and turbulent for a long time. Focus on paying child support and an organized custody and visitation schedule. 

The gym is fine but your focus needs to be being the best dad you can be.

Same situation?:

 

Once again Wiseman you’re 100% correct in what you say. Maybe the summer clouded things for me because it seemed a bit forced at times, but the relationship was dead but I tried to force it.

I absolutely try to be the best dad I can be. Especially as me and my children are 300 miles apart, and they’re living with a new man now. I do my best to make sure they know how much I love them, miss them, and would always do my best by them. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Ldog92 said:

Good morning guys! 

 

I’ve been debating over the last week whether I should post something again, but there’s such great advice on here I thought I’d take a chance.

 

Some of you may remember my post back in September, when I spoke about me and my ex breaking up. We were on/off for 6 years then we split for 18 months, but then at the beginning of June this year I moved in with her and our kids for around two and half months to give it a go.

 

It didn’t work out and we slipped back into old ways. I really wanted it to work at first, as I knew this was basically the last chance. Strangely though when I was in the relationship I realised the fairytale ending just wasn’t going to be and I seriously questioned whether it’s even what I wanted, especially from a relationship. It’s like I enjoyed the chase of getting the ex back, but then when I got the relationship back I really questioned whether I wanted it. Because of the arguing and lack of affection etc from my ex, things just didn’t change. I feel I was much more invested into giving it a go though then she was, and that’s fair enough as it’s pretty much true. 

 

So that was mid August we called the relationship a day and I moved back out. Since then she has got into a relationship with someone else literally 3/4 weeks after I moved out, not just dating an official relationship. She then moved him into the family home by the end of September time. In the last week of October she got engaged to him, and I found out a week ago she’s now pregnant with him (despite telling me in the summer she never wants kids with another man as having our 2 is hard enough). It’s been such a hard pill to swallow all of that happening within the space of just 3 months or so.
 

This relationship pattern and timescale though she’s found with her new man is IDENTICAL to how my ex wanted our relationship to go back in 2014 when we met. We were both so young so I didn’t want to get engaged and have kids so early. But within the first few months she made it extremely clear she was almost desperate to get engaged, and she wanted kids early etc. so 7 years later she’s now finally got that person who will give her all them things on a plate. She’s a girl that’s only main goal in life is to be in a settled, secure, marriage with kids. That’s all she wants in life. Make of that what you will as we are all different…
 

I know she’s an ex now, so it’s none of my business what she does essentially. But my brain doesn’t function like that, and I still think about her and the situation so much throughout the day I dream about her practically every night! 

 

I suppose we all look for the magic answer in situations like this. We look for that magic potion that we sip and our minds and hearts change and are now free from all the overthinking and hurt over our ex’s. I know the general answer in this case is “move on” and “focus on yourself now” etc. i have tried to do that. I go to the gym 5 days a week and work towards my goals there, and I’ve recently taken on a job as a door supervisor. So Friday and Saturday nights I do that, and I get to meet new people and it takes my mind off it all a bit and who knows I may find the love of my life there?! (Wishful thinking)

 

I mentioned before in a post what really gets me frustrated is when I was right there in the thick of the relationship I didn’t feel wanted. I had serious doubts whether the relationship is even what I wanted. My ex didn’t make me feel loved or make me feel like she wanted us to work and last. I knew I had to leave the relationship sooner rather than later because it just wasn’t working. So why now despite all of that do I still think about her all of the time? Sadly I do genuinely believe deep down I do love her, but I feel there’s more to it than that, I feel it’s more of a me issue than it’s because of her. Despite everything and the way she was. I just don’t quite know what it’s going to take for my brain and heart to eventually draw the line, move forward and be genuinely happy in my life. Everyone assures me it just takes time, but that time is different for every person. I just hope it doesn’t take years off my life to get over this heartache.

 

Any advice or comments are welcome guys, thank you! 

Of course you love/loved her. How can you not as she’s the mother of your children? There will always be an abiding love and appreciation for her. Make peace with accepting that as it’s entirely ok. Have you considered counselling for yourself in making sense of all this? You’d do better with a qualified professional giving you insight on how to better accept the past and move forward.

Are you saying you work only two shifts a week? Try applying for a full time position, find a second job, volunteer, be active in the community, join a sports team or take up a sport or new hobby. Work on better productivity overall. The emotions you feel after a break up are normal. What’s not great is falling into the pit ruminating or getting too caught up with regrets and staying behind that wall, unable to move forwards.

We all make mistakes. Learn to let go. Get back up and do something more useful with yourself, MORE than what you’re doing now. Expect more of yourself. You’ll start to feel a lot better once you’re happier with who you are overall and enjoy what you’re doing with your life. Live in the present and live your life to the fullest.

[Ldog92]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

Of course you love/loved her. How can you not as she’s the mother of your children? There will always be an abiding love and appreciation for her. Make peace with accepting that as it’s entirely ok. Have you considered counselling for yourself in making sense of all this? You’d do better with a qualified professional giving you insight on how to better accept the past and move forward.

Are you saying you work only two shifts a week? Try applying for a full time position, find a second job, volunteer, be active in the community, join a sports team or take up a sport or new hobby. Work on better productivity overall. The emotions you feel after a break up are normal. What’s not great is falling into the pit ruminating or getting too caught up with regrets and staying behind that wall, unable to move forwards.

We all make mistakes. Learn to let go. Get back up and do something more useful with yourself, MORE than what you’re doing now. Expect more of yourself. You’ll start to feel a lot better once you’re happier with who you are overall and enjoy what you’re doing with your life. Live in the present and live your life to the fullest.

Yeah I suppose as she’s the mother of my children and we shared 6 years with each other there will always be that there. I did go to counselling and had around 6 sessions before we gave it another go in June this year, and I felt like I was just going around in circles. Again just thinking I would find that magic solution and there isn’t one unfortunately.

Sorry I didn’t make that clear, I do work a Monday to Friday 9-5 job, but I work from home so it can get very lonely although I live with my family which is good. I work the Friday and Saturday just to get me out of the house and mixing with other people. 
 

You are 100% right though Glows, I feel like once I start reaching goals and pushing myself more I’ll become happier in life and be able to slowly move forward.

[glows]

You have your family and your work. These are big blessings. Great things to be thankful for. I mentioned counselling but if it doesn’t work for you that’s fine also. If you have a favourite hobby or past time dedicate some time each day to it, look into anything you ever wanted to know more about. 

I want to note that everyone falls into a rut now and again. No one is 100% happy or go go go all the time. Relax with some down time. Spoil yourself every now and then. Take your family out or treat them if you like. Stay engaged and present. It’s cliche but it does take time. It also takes effort and being motivated to live well so try these things and keep us updated.

[Ldog92]

23 minutes ago, glows said:

You have your family and your work. These are big blessings. Great things to be thankful for. I mentioned counselling but if it doesn’t work for you that’s fine also. If you have a favourite hobby or past time dedicate some time each day to it, look into anything you ever wanted to know more about. 

I want to note that everyone falls into a rut now and again. No one is 100% happy or go go go all the time. Relax with some down time. Spoil yourself every now and then. Take your family out or treat them if you like. Stay engaged and present. It’s cliche but it does take time. It also takes effort and being motivated to live well so try these things and keep us updated.

Thank you for your kind words Glows! I am truly blessed in many ways, I work two jobs and have a supportive family who are around me.

It does take time I truly believe this and I know there’s no fast forward button to press. So whilst I’m living my life I have to try and enjoy it and not just wish my life away until the day I may be free and happy. I’ve got to put in that effort.