How to cope

[CasiXI]

I am a married woman with a fantastic family life and three children. 

Last year, my alcoholic mother who had abused me as a child, died. I thought I would be relieved, but instead, I fell apart. I didn't want my family to worry, so I hid as much as I could from them. I turned to my closest female friend, who I have been very close to, as a friend only, for decades. One night, when we are both drunk, for reasons I can't explain or justify, I kissed her. I asked her to stop me but she encouraged it. 

We went on to have a sexual affair, alongside an ongoing deterioration in my mental health within which I started to harm myself. I felt literally out of my mind. 

Everything came to a head. I ended up feeling abused by my friend, and I genuinely can't tell if that's completely crazy or not. I started to find her behaviour too scary and upsetting (emotional blackmail, nothing physical). I was crying all the time and had to explain what was wrong. So I told my husband all the emotional dynamics, and that my friend and I had been too physically 'intimate'. I took responsibility and didn't blame her. I was then very distressed for weeks/on and off for months. I did not tell my husband about the sexual behaviours and I think he understands the intimacy as affection that went a bit weird. I don't think I am gay but I did touch on how I had become less clear about my sexuality when I spoke to him. He was upset but also supportive. 

I've not gone 'no contact' with my friend yet, but the affair ended around 9 months ago. I feel deeply ashamed. She says I have broken her heart and that ending the friendship altogether would ruin her life. 

I have worked so hard to change and address the factors that led me to this place. I never want to be here again. I've stopped drinking and built a new, sober support network. I've done a course of counselling and spoken to my doctor, and am now having more in-depth therapy. I've started and maintained daily practices to better myself and become stronger. I have set very tight boundaries with my friend (meeting for coffee only, my partner always knows) which was difficult as it's not what she wants. 

There was never unhappiness or dissatisfaction in my marriage. The affair was never replacing anything missing for me at home. My husband and I continue to talk, have fun, and support each other, as we always did. We have been married for 15 years. 

But I'm really struggling to cope with the guilt and shame. What I have done, literally terrifies me. I daren't tell me husband all the details of the sexual stuff as I can't face hurting him that much.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I have ruined my life and everyone else's and will never get past this. 

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened.  I can see you have had a lot playing on your mind and that you seem to feel confused and ashamed.

I will ask some questions, in the hope that thinking about the answers might help you.

Were you upset that the affair might harm your marriage or because it was with a woman?

Did you enjoy the affair?  Did you get anything out of it?

Was your friend more interested in maintaining the sexual relationship than you?

Is your friend emotionally blackmailing you?  It sounds to me like she wants more of a relationship with you than you want with her. That, combined with you being terrified to tell your husband what really happened, suggests to me that your fear of exposure gives her a hold over you.

You had a kind of emotional breakdown after your mother died.  It is a lot to cope with, even if your mother was not kind to you.  There are still residual feelings when it is the death of a former caregiver who you trusted at some point.  A solid anchor in life has gone.  You are bound to have very mixed feelings.  Your friend was there and after drinking you both got physically involved.  Why did you not stop it there?  Was it something you wanted to continue?  Would you have preferred to continue if you thought your husband would never know?

I guess I am wondering how much of your anguish is because you are trying to repress an important part of yourself who is attracted to your friend or if you are not attracted and are now trying to fend her off and are in fear of your marriage breaking up?

Who knows why we do some things under the influence of drink and/or emotional distress?  Usually, if we feel we have done the wrong thing, we can back out of it and continue with our lives relatively undisturbed.  For some reason, you are still in anguish over this.  Do you think this is anything to do with losing your mother or is it the subsequent relationship that has perpetuated your distress?

I truly hope you find some answers soon because it does sound as if you are mentally torturing yourself over this.

 

 

Edited December 16, 2021 by spiderowl

[CasiXI]

10 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Thank you for replying - I'll answer your questions below...

 

10 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Were you upset that the affair might harm your marriage or because it was with a woman?

Initially, I thought it was that it would harm the marriage (and also the friendship, which was precious to me), and that is still the main thing, but I do think now that the same-sex aspect was also difficult for me. I have always identified as being heterosexual. When I told my parents what had happened (I have been fully honest with them), they said they felt the affair might have been a very messy 'coming out' experience for me. 

 

10 hours ago, spiderowl said:

Did you enjoy the affair? 

Overall, I hated it and found it distressing and I felt trapped. But there were moments I sort of enjoyed, see below!

Did you get anything out of it?

I found aspects of it very comforting. But this was misguided and always extremely temporary. 

Was your friend more interested in maintaining the sexual relationship than you?

Yes.

Is your friend emotionally blackmailing you? 

I'm not sure. 

It sounds to me like she wants more of a relationship with you than you want with her.

This is exactly right. 

That, combined with you being terrified to tell your husband what really happened, suggests to me that your fear of exposure gives her a hold over you.

Yes that's right too. 

Your friend was there and after drinking you both got physically involved.  Why did you not stop it there? 

I'm not sure. I didn't keep any of us emotionally safe. My boundaries were s***. I also ended up stuck in a dynamic of pleasing my friend to my own detriment. 

Was it something you wanted to continue? 

No.

Would you have preferred to continue if you thought your husband would never know?

No, I would have preferred it to stop, and I would say this, out loud to my friend, but continue the behaviour anyway. 

I guess I am wondering how much of your anguish is because you are trying to repress an important part of yourself who is attracted to your friend or if you are not attracted and are now trying to fend her off and are in fear of your marriage breaking up?

I'm not sure but I feel scared of my friend and what has happened, rather than attracted to her. 

Do you think this is anything to do with losing your mother or is it the subsequent relationship that has perpetuated your distress?

I think the subsequent relationship has perpetuated my distress. I'm sure the bereavement is relevant, and my friend has been a bit of a mother figure to me in some ways, but I find it all confusing. I'm dealing with some of this in therapy but it's early days. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, CasiXI said:

I've stopped drinking and built a new, sober support network. I've done a course of counselling and spoken to my doctor, and am now having more in-depth therapy. . 

Sorry this happened. Follow up with your physician for  your physical and mental health. Discuss your anxiety, drinking, chronic crying, grief etc.

Delete and block this friend. Did you know she was bi or lesbian? 

Continue your sobriety support groups. Strive to be physically and mentally healthy.

Find better friends to hang out with and confide in. Leave the past in the past. Discuss all this with your therapist.

[pepperbird2]

Do you feel that your friend will keep quiet about the sexual part of the relationship? If you think there  is a chance that she will talk about it, you should strongly consider getting out in front of that.

[spiderowl]

Thank you for replying, OP.  I get the feeling you sought comfort at a difficult time and that maybe your friend’s need for a sexual relationship with you meant you took it further than you ever intended. You are struggling with how to back out of it. It is concerning that you feel afraid of her. Is she putting pressure on you?

I am rather confused myself, as I understood from what you said above that your mother (who was an alcoholic) had died and that this triggered your pain, yet you mention telling your parents about the affair? Could you clarify please? Maybe I misread something.

[CasiXI]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Follow up with your physician for  your physical and mental health. Discuss your anxiety, drinking, chronic crying, grief etc.

Delete and block this friend. Did you know she was bi or lesbian? 

Continue your sobriety support groups. Strive to be physically and mentally healthy.

Find better friends to hang out with and confide in. Leave the past in the past. Discuss all this with your therapist.

Thank you. 

Yes, I knew she was bi, because she had told me this, although she has never had a proper relationship with a woman (just some odd and brief encounters, interestingly, within the context of her other friendships). 

[CasiXI]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Do you feel that your friend will keep quiet about the sexual part of the relationship? If you think there  is a chance that she will talk about it, you should strongly consider getting out in front of that.

I'm not sure. I have told my husband that he doesn't know all the details as I didn't want to hurt him and he's said he understands that. 

Before this happened, she was my absolute best friend in the world and I trusted her completely. That trust is irreparably broken now, but I don't think she would act maliciously. 

[CasiXI]

44 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Thank you for replying, OP.  I get the feeling you sought comfort at a difficult time and that maybe your friend’s need for a sexual relationship with you meant you took it further than you ever intended. You are struggling with how to back out of it. It is concerning that you feel afraid of her. Is she putting pressure on you?

I am rather confused myself, as I understood from what you said above that your mother (who was an alcoholic) had died and that this triggered your pain, yet you mention telling your parents about the affair? Could you clarify please? Maybe I misread something.

Ah yes, to clarify, I've told my dad and step-mother (and my siblings). Also in case this was confusing too, or could be, sometimes when I've referred to 'my family' above, I meant those living in my household ie husband and children. 

My friend is really upset and says she's bereft as I was her most important relationship. She is often asking for more (more of my time, more availability from me, for me to tell her I love her... not anything sexual). I feel emotionally pressured but I'm not sure how intentional that is on her part. I have really hurt her, I think. 

Edited to add - I'm confused about how rational my fear is, and I have a lot of confusing thoughts about that. I am trying hard in my posts here, to be fair to my friend by not describing her as being worse than she is, but I do need to work through what her role has been in what's happened. 

Edited December 16, 2021 by CasiXI

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, CasiXI said:

 I knew she was bi.

You need to remove toxic people like her from your life if you hope to improve your physical and mental health.

Focus on yourself, delete and block all toxic people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Especially predatory "friends" like this.

 

[glows]

I’m not certain or convinced the friendship hasn’t completely expired. How on earth could any person dare call themselves a friend when they insist on dividing a marriage and so desperately cling to someone? She is parasitic. I have a hard time imagining anyone a good friend because that person is so deeply involved in their own self-interests.

I’d also wonder if your loyalty to this particular friend is because you’ve missed a mother figure in your life. What comes across as parasitic, selfish and manipulative in your friend is mistaken for unconditional maternal love. 

I’m sorry for the loss of your mum. Undoubtedly you are second guessing and questioning you want to lose anyone else in your life. You husband is extraordinarily understanding but that may be because you haven’t been completely truthful. Let go of this person. She may have been a friend to you in the past but no friend that I know would dare show their face or not have the shame to know what they’re doing clinging like this is wrong. Set yourself free and say goodbye. 

Focus on your marriage and children. You have your hands full.

 

[CasiXI]

57 minutes ago, glows said:

Undoubtedly you are second guessing and questioning you want to lose anyone else in your life. You husband is extraordinarily understanding but that may be because you haven’t been completely truthful.

Thank you - the idea that i might not want to lose someone else in my life, following the death of my mum, is something that had not occurred to me at all, but actually might be very relevant!

My husband really is extraordinarily understanding and supportive. This experience has improved our communication in lots of ways as I have had to be more honest about a lot of things, and we've been talking a lot more about our relationship - how it started, what our expectations were then and are now, what we love about each other, hopes and ideas for the future etc. It is also true that he doesn't have all the details. 

Something I realised from all of this is that I was wrong to keep things from him (like details of what happened with my mum in the past, and how much I was struggling with my mental health after her death) in the first place. I thought I was protecting him and my family, and I thought he wouldn't handle it well and I'd then have to support him at a time when I didn't feel I had the capacity and was already overwhelmed, but I think I underestimated him, and what we/he ended up having to deal with, in terms of the relationship with my friend, was worse. 

I have carried poisonous secrets all my life. I want so much for that to no longer be the case, and for me to be true to myself and others, and authentic going forwards. Undoing all of that feels massive though, and as it stands I feel like I'm dying of guilt and can't get past obsessing over how much I have risked and the damage and hurt I've caused to the people I love/loved the most in the world. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, CasiXI said:

No, I would have preferred it to stop, and I would say this, out loud to my friend, but continue the behaviour anyway. 

Why did you continue if you didn't want to do it?

5 hours ago, CasiXI said:

'm not sure but I feel scared of my friend and what has happened, rather than attracted to her. 

Why do you feel afraid of your friend?  Has she threatened you?

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, CasiXI said:

Edited to add - I'm confused about how rational my fear is, and I have a lot of confusing thoughts about that. I am trying hard in my posts here, to be fair to my friend by not describing her as being worse than she is, but I do need to work through what her role has been in what's happened. 

Weren't you the one who kissed your friend first?

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, CasiXI said:

I have carried poisonous secrets all my life. I want so much for that to no longer be the case, and for me to be true to myself and others, and authentic going forwards. Undoing all of that feels massive though, and as it stands I feel like I'm dying of guilt and can't get past obsessing over how much I have risked and the damage and hurt I've caused to the people I love/loved the most in the world. 

Does this mean you are going to tell your husband about the sexual encounters you had with your friend?

TBH, I think you need to break away from your friend for a while if not for good.  She has fallen for you in a romantic way because of the first kiss and the sex.  She's probably always had those feelings for you and now they cannot be put back into a box and the lid closed.  Also the fact that you are afraid of her is another reason to put an end to this friendship.  If she is the type to tell your husband what happened between you, you need to tell him first.  He will be deeply hurt because cheating is cheating whether with a man or a woman.

[glows]

31 minutes ago, CasiXI said:

Thank you - the idea that i might not want to lose someone else in my life, following the death of my mum, is something that had not occurred to me at all, but actually might be very relevant!

My husband really is extraordinarily understanding and supportive. This experience has improved our communication in lots of ways as I have had to be more honest about a lot of things, and we've been talking a lot more about our relationship - how it started, what our expectations were then and are now, what we love about each other, hopes and ideas for the future etc. It is also true that he doesn't have all the details. 

Something I realised from all of this is that I was wrong to keep things from him (like details of what happened with my mum in the past, and how much I was struggling with my mental health after her death) in the first place. I thought I was protecting him and my family, and I thought he wouldn't handle it well and I'd then have to support him at a time when I didn't feel I had the capacity and was already overwhelmed, but I think I underestimated him, and what we/he ended up having to deal with, in terms of the relationship with my friend, was worse. 

I have carried poisonous secrets all my life. I want so much for that to no longer be the case, and for me to be true to myself and others, and authentic going forwards. Undoing all of that feels massive though, and as it stands I feel like I'm dying of guilt and can't get past obsessing over how much I have risked and the damage and hurt I've caused to the people I love/loved the most in the world. 

Ok let go of the guilt. It's self-destructive. It's there, check. But let go after processing that. The purpose of guilt is to alert us to right wrongs and change things we've done that might once have been mistakes. If you continue to feel guilt, sad, depressed, tied down or paralyzed in this negative space without ever renavigating or changing what you're doing, the guilt is rendered useless to us as we evolve. You've just tapped into a human emotion that alerts you to an opportunity for change and the next step is to enact change. The friendship went down a path it shouldn't have. If you sense that you're still being emotionally manipulated by her or armtwisted or threatened in any way being around her, let her go. 

Come clean with your husband and start a new chapter. Rebuild the trust in your marriage and work with a therapist about the pain in your childhood and the abuse that came with having an alcoholic mother. There is a lot there to heal without piling on more things like unending guilt or remaining stuck in this form. Let go of what's sitting on you, preventing you from getting up and healing yourself. 

[CasiXI]

32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why did you continue if you didn't want to do it?

I can't justify that. To please my friend, and maybe I felt like it was meeting some of my needs? I felt very 'messy' throughout. I did not manage myself well at all. 

32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why do you feel afraid of your friend?  Has she threatened you?

I'm not sure, and no she hasn't.

[CasiXI]

31 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Weren't you the one who kissed your friend first?

Yes I was. And, I did usually initiate/perform the physical behaviour. Often in response to a cue or request, but that first kiss was all me. 

[CasiXI]

26 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Does this mean you are going to tell your husband about the sexual encounters you had with your friend?

I don't think I can tell him more without a reason to, at the moment. I can't see what purpose it would serve other than causing more pain.

She has fallen for you in a romantic way because of the first kiss and the sex. 

I think this is correct. 

 

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, CasiXI said:

I have carried poisonous secrets all my life.

Unfortunately many alcoholics do this. Discuss this with your  doctors therapists and support groups.

Delete and block this toxic women from your life. Do not try to backpedal and use someone this toxic as a crutch.

Don't keep replacing one bad habit with another.

[CasiXI]

19 minutes ago, glows said:

Ok let go of the guilt. It's self-destructive. It's there, check. But let go after processing that. The purpose of guilt is to alert us to right wrongs and change things we've done that might once have been mistakes. If you continue to feel guilt, sad, depressed, tied down or paralyzed in this negative space without ever renavigating or changing what you're doing, the guilt is rendered useless to us as we evolve. You've just tapped into a human emotion that alerts you to an opportunity for change and the next step is to enact change. The friendship went down a path it shouldn't have. If you sense that you're still being emotionally manipulated by her or armtwisted or threatened in any way being around her, let her go. 

Come clean with your husband and start a new chapter. Rebuild the trust in your marriage and work with a therapist about the pain in your childhood and the abuse that came with having an alcoholic mother. There is a lot there to heal without piling on more things like unending guilt or remaining stuck in this form. Let go of what's sitting on you, preventing you from getting up and healing yourself. 

Thank you. 

I am already doing some of these things. I've cut all messaging and time alone with the friend off but have agreed to occasional coffees in public (reasons explained above - I'm not saying they are good reasons, just that I haven't got the strength to do better).

I don't really want to say too much on here because it's a public space, but I have some quite significant issues. I had started to harm myself quite badly. Because I didn't feel able to tell people I wasn't okay in a better way, and because I thought it would make my body unattractive so they wouldn't want sex with me. It wasn't effective in either sense. 

[CasiXI]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately many alcoholics do this. Discuss this with your  doctors therapists and support groups.

Delete and block this toxic women from your life. Do not try to backpedal and use someone this toxic as a crutch.

Don't keep replacing one bad habit with another.

I definitely want to change, and I think in lots of ways I already am. 

To clarify, I myself have never been alcohol dependent, but I've recognised that I've not kept myself safe when I've been drinking. I become disinhibited and emotionally messy. So for that reason, I have stopped drinking altogether. I've also realised that I find other drunk people scary. So I am going to some support groups for sober women as I know there will be no risk of any alcohol being part of that, and the group is made up of people who are taking action and making decisions that are in their own best interests, which seems like a good thing to be part of.

Before this, my friend I've talked about above was literally my only friend. So I had nobody else to talk to except my husband. 

Edited to add - my doctor and therapist are fully aware of everything other than me stopping drinking which I haven't mentioned yet (I've been completely sober since June). 

Edited December 16, 2021 by CasiXI

[glows]

8 minutes ago, CasiXI said:

Thank you. 

I am already doing some of these things. I've cut all messaging and time alone with the friend off but have agreed to occasional coffees in public (reasons explained above - I'm not saying they are good reasons, just that I haven't got the strength to do better).

I don't really want to say too much on here because it's a public space, but I have some quite significant issues. I had started to harm myself quite badly. Because I didn't feel able to tell people I wasn't okay in a better way, and because I thought it would make my body unattractive so they wouldn't want sex with me. It wasn't effective in either sense. 

I’m so sorry. Are you still finding yourself doing this? Are you speaking to your doctor for advice or a referral to a specialist? There’s self-hate and self-abolition with self-harm. Not something to feel ashamed about but much better to work with a qualified psychologist or therapist.

It seems it’s difficult for you to accept yourself but you still yearn to feel love and be accepted by others. There’s some conflict there. Not being able to accept or love yourself makes for choosing good company difficult. Don’t hold all that pain in. Talk to your doctor and ask for advice and how to go about seeking more help. Take this as an opportunity to heal. Grab that rope and yank yourself out of this. Even if you struggle, you still try.

[CasiXI]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I’m so sorry. Are you still finding yourself doing this? Are you speaking to your doctor for advice or a referral to a specialist? There’s self-hate and self-abolition with self-harm. Not something to feel ashamed about but much better to work with a qualified psychologist or therapist.

It seems it’s difficult for you to accept yourself but you still yearn to feel love and be accepted by others. There’s some conflict there. Not being able to accept or love yourself makes for choosing good company difficult. Don’t hold all that pain in. Talk to your doctor and ask for advice and how to go about seeking more help. Take this as an opportunity to heal. Grab that rope and yank yourself out of this. Even if you struggle, you still try.

Thank you x I'm not doing it now, no, but I do still get preoccupied with thoughts about it. The therapist I am seeing is a specialist who I was referred to by the doctor. I've only had a few sessions so far. 

My husband was worried about it but didn't know what to say, so said nothing until I openly raised it (when everything came to a head). I think it's really hard for him, and I feel he minimises it for that reason, but when I told him I had been offered the therapy he was VERY keen for me to go to that. 

[spiderowl]

It seems a good idea to see a therapist as there is clearly a lot going on in your mind and background than you wish to talk about here (which is fair enough).

Given a choice, would you rather continue with a sexual relationship with your friend AND your husband?  I am wondering if you wish to continue with her but feel you cannot.  It would be a different conflict to not wanting to continue with her and wondering how to get out of it.

We all cope with distress in different ways.  Some people tend to get involved in risky situations to try to 'drown their sorrows and seek solace'.  Is this something that you have done before?  If so, was your husband aware of whatever happened and how did he cope with it?

Edited December 17, 2021 by spiderowl