Should I leave Her? What Would You do in My Situation?

[calvinstorm]

Hi,

Need some help figuring out what should be my next move. Will summarize so I don’t make the story too long.

Met her 5 years ago. Interest from both of us but I knew she was married and didn’t act on it. We linked again months later and she told me she had separated and was getting divorced. We started dating. A year later found out she was still living with the husband and never separated. I should have figured it out when she would never stay over until the next day and would leave in the middle of the night with me driving her home. The excuse was that her mom was babysitting and she couldn’t’ stay out.

I was heart-broken. She told me there was no intimacy between them and she was just staying for their child. I was able to confirm no intimacy later through texts she showed me between them. But then she told me she needed to try with him one last time for sake of their toddler child. She went ahead and booked a vacation to the Caribbean with him. Again, broke my heart. Those were some of the darkest days of my life with all the things that were going through my mind. She called me crying saying she made a mistake and would leave him as soon as she got back because she figured out she really loved me and couldn’t ever be with him.

She came back. But didn’t separate. We have been seeing each other for years since then with me shamelessly putting up with the situation because I love her and really want to make this work. There’s been a lot of disrespect on her part and sometimes I wonder if we end up together, if I’d be able to live it in the past or if it would hunt me forever.

I made the mistake of being the one who’s pushing for the relationship when she should be the one wanting this. She has many times told me she needs to figure things out on her own timeline and if I can’t be patient and wait then I should move on. When I’ve said ok we are done I’m moving on she comes crying and saying she can’t live without me. But she doesn’t do what needs to be done for us to be together (separate/divorce).

She seems depressed at times. Many of our outings get canceled by her due to not feeling like going out. It’s been happening a lot lately. We do see each other eventually and have a great time. Sex is great (not so much lately). She seems to be too much in her head and stressed and is affecting us.

I’ve tried distancing myself emotionally and treating her more like a friends with benefits which sometimes it seems like that’s what she really wants but it’s hard because I love her.

Lately there’s been a lot cancellations. She then says she miss me but is almost a joke how many times she cancels on me until we actually meet up. We are now in the middle of one of those cycles.

What would you guys do in my situation? Give her an ultimatum? Walk away?

We make plans and she flakes usually but eventually we do meet up so it’s not like she’s not interested at all. It’s just very confusing to me.

Would you tell her if she flakes one more time, we are done. Or just have other plans when we make plans as backup so if she cancels (happens a lot), I have other stuff to do.

I know there’s nothing going on with the husband. She’s not into him or does anything with him. I don’t know how he has taken this for so long.

And also how I’ve taken it for so long. She told me he cheated on her and although it wasn’t an excuse at first it was one of the reasons why she decided to be with me. We were attracted from the get go.

This is someone I’ve thought about having a family. It may sound crazy to many here. This situation has been very difficult to figure out for me.

Thanks for any advice.

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, calvinstorm said:

She has many times told me she needs to figure things out on her own timeline and if I can’t be patient and wait then I should move on. When I’ve said ok we are done I’m moving on she comes crying and saying she can’t live without me. But she doesn’t do what needs to be done for us to be together (separate/divorce).

This type of situation is where the answer lies.   She's absolutely right that if you can't be patient, then you should move on.  But when you decide to move on, you need to be 100% firm on your decision.  If she cries to you, tell her that you were doing as she suggested and no further discussion will be had.

My advice is to simply end it.  No warnings, no discussions.  Just end.  Tell her that you've been a fool wasting 5 years waiting for her to leave and are not prepared to waste another day, let alone another 5 years.   If she cries, show her the hand.

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, calvinstorm said:

What would you guys do in my situation?

You are in a relationship with a woman who is married to another man and has had five years now to change that - and hasn’t done it. She seems depressed, the sex is not good lately, and she cancels plans with you. You know that she is dishonest because she has lied to both you and her husband for a very long time. She is unreliable, not trustworthy, disloyal, and unfaithful.

Tell us again what you find attractive about this woman? What do you think would make her a good and safe partner for you? And, how exactly do you think this has the potential to be a happy and healthy relationship for you?

What would I do - I would walk away. Honestly, I’m amazed that you stuck around this long. I would have left a long time ago…

Edited December 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[calvinstorm]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

This type of situation is where the answer lies.   She's absolutely right that if you can't be patient, then you should move on.  But when you decide to move on, you need to be 100% firm on your decision.  If she cries to you, tell her that you were doing as she suggested and no further discussion will be had.

My advice is to simply end it.  No warnings, no discussions.  Just end.  Tell her that you've been a fool wasting 5 years waiting for her to leave and are not prepared to waste another day, let alone another 5 years.   If she cries, show her the hand.

 

Thanks. I agree. I haven’t been strong enough to make a decision and stick to it. I’ve been with many woman in my life. I’m in my 40s. Never one that I’ve felt this way with. The sex is amazing. Better than with anyone else I’ve been. 

[calvinstorm]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You are in a relationship with a woman who is married to another man and has had five years now to change that - and hasn’t done it. She seems depressed, the sex is not good lately, and she cancels plans with you. You know that she is dishonest because she has lied to both you and her husband for a very long time. She is unreliable, not trustworthy, disloyal, and unfaithful.

Tell us again what you find attractive about this woman? What do you think would make her a good and safe partner for you? And, how exactly do you think this has the potential to be a happy and healthy relationship for you?

What would I do - I would walk away. Honestly, I’m amazed that you stuck around this long. I would have left a long time ago…

Yep. And sometimes I think any change of me being with her I messed up when I put up with so much. She’s probably thinking how can I be with him if he allowed all this to happen and didn’t walk away when I know I’ve done enough wrong for him to leave me. It’s funny how that works. 

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, calvinstorm said:

Yep. And sometimes I think any change of me being with her I messed up when I put up with so much. She’s probably thinking how can I be with him if he allowed all this to happen and didn’t walk away when I know I’ve done enough wrong for him to leave me. It’s funny how that works. 

Like the man who cheats with a woman, and then when he finally divorced leaves his affair partner because she is not to be trusted and does not have the character he would want in a “wife.” It’s not rational, but this is the selfish entitlement of a cheater. 

She can not treat you badly without your permission. And while, we all struggle to know where to bend and what to expect in a relationship - this relationship is very one sided. You have been doing the “pick me dance”  for five years now and where has that gotten you? Five years wasted, in my humble opinion. Five years that could have been spent building a life with a woman who wanted and had the ability to build a life with you. 

It’s possible that she thinks less of you because you stayed when she treated you badly… Still, I would ask - why would you want a woman who has treated you badly? You are asking the wrong question - it’s not about what she thinks of you and why she didn’t chose you… The better question to be asking yourself is why did you chose this for yourself and why did you allow it to continue for so long? 

Edited December 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[SouthernIslander]

Cheaters lie but her lack of boundaries is amongst the worse of the bunch.  Living a double life by telling you she is separated, showing you text messages, etc is brazen.  
 

If y’all are in your 40s, she sounds childish and unable to love anyone because she doesn’t love herself.  She needs to fix that before she can fully commit to anyone.  

This isn’t someone you want a family with.  I think you should work on letting her go because even if she did leave..the relationship will probably be toxic.  
 

There are plenty of single ladies who can treat you with more respect.  

Edited December 16, 2021 by SouthernIslander

[basil67]

1 hour ago, calvinstorm said:

Yep. And sometimes I think any change of me being with her I messed up when I put up with so much. She’s probably thinking how can I be with him if he allowed all this to happen and didn’t walk away when I know I’ve done enough wrong for him to leave me. It’s funny how that works. 

You didn't mess up anything because she was never serious about leaving.  And I doubt she's given any consideration to the fact that you didn't walk away and how it reflects on you.  She's all about herself.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, calvinstorm said:

Would you tell her if she flakes one more time, we are done.

My guy, she is married. She is going to flake on you any time she can't sneak away from husband. You better get used to it. Telling her she can only do this one more time is pointless. It comes with the territory of sneaking around with a married woman. She has already shown you she chooses her husband over you, so you have no leverage  here. 

7 hours ago, calvinstorm said:

This is someone I’ve thought about having a family. It may sound crazy to many here.

No, you don't know this. You are not in their home and in their bedroom. You have to stop falling for the lies you so badly want to believe. You have no idea what really goes on behind closed doors there. And whether or not their sex life is active is irrelevant when she is choosing to stay married to him anyway. 

7 hours ago, calvinstorm said:

This is someone I’ve thought about having a family. It may sound crazy to many here

It's a pipe dream. She hasn't given you any indication that she is actually going to leave her marriage, so hoping for a family is just a fantasy. You two are miles away from that, and will likely never get there. 

You need to forget her, man. She isn't going anywhere and you're wasting your time. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, calvinstorm said:

. I’m in my 40s. The sex is amazing. 

It seems like you don't really want a relationship. That's why this is convenient for you.

It's easy when the husband takes care of everything else and all you have to do is wait to see if she can slip away for a tryst.

This isn't about her. This is about not wanting more than easy free sex here and there,when she can slip away.

 

[salparadise]

Yea, like everyone else says- she's been disrespecting you consistently from the beginning. Even if she left the marriage, what would you have? Someone who lies and manipulates you... and a consistent cheater. Would you really choose to switch places with the husband? Knowing what you know, how will it feel when she comes sneaking back in in the middle of the night?

She will waste another 5-10-15 years of your life if you allow it. She just likes having someone for sex on the side. Remember, she initiated it by lying to you. The only solution is to realize that you want a real life rather than living in this shadow existence, and do what you need to do. Get some support so that you don't backslide and just cut it off cleanly.

 

[notbroken]

This is going to be harsh - but the truth often is.   She is a liar and a cheater.  Why would you want to be with someone like that?   Could you ever trust her even if she did leave her husband.   NEVER chase after someone that isn't 100% available.  She's not.  Personally, I could never trust her - and that is critical for long term success in a relationship.  Be better to yourself.   Get rid of her ASAP. 

[calvinstorm]

10 hours ago, SouthernIslander said:

Cheaters lie but her lack of boundaries is amongst the worse of the bunch.  Living a double life by telling you she is separated, showing you text messages, etc is brazen.  
 

If y’all are in your 40s, she sounds childish and unable to love anyone because she doesn’t love herself.  She needs to fix that before she can fully commit to anyone.  

This isn’t someone you want a family with.  I think you should work on letting her go because even if she did leave..the relationship will probably be toxic.  
 

There are plenty of single ladies who can treat you with more respect.  

This is what I’ve decided to do. To move on from her. 
 

I’m deciding between cutting all contact or keep seeing her until I get serious with someone else. 

[calvinstorm]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

You didn't mess up anything because she was never serious about leaving.  And I doubt she's given any consideration to the fact that you didn't walk away and how it reflects on you.  She's all about herself.

She says she is divorcing him at Start of next year. Again, she’s said this many times before. The same thing happens. She asks for time because of the holidays. New year rolls around and she does nothing. I even researched info and gave her the divorce papers she needs. She hasn’t done anything with them. 

[calvinstorm]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My guy, she is married. She is going to flake on you any time she can't sneak away from husband. You better get used to it. Telling her she can only do this one more time is pointless. It comes with the territory of sneaking around with a married woman. She has already shown you she chooses her husband over you, so you have no leverage  here. 

No, you don't know this. You are not in their home and in their bedroom. You have to stop falling for the lies you so badly want to believe. You have no idea what really goes on behind closed doors there. And whether or not their sex life is active is irrelevant when she is choosing to stay married to him anyway. 

It's a pipe dream. She hasn't given you any indication that she is actually going to leave her marriage, so hoping for a family is just a fantasy. You two are miles away from that, and will likely never get there. 

You need to forget her, man. She isn't going anywhere and you're wasting your time. 

 

 

It’s crazy how when others say something it suddenly clicks. Like hello… of course she flakes because she most likely can’t always get out of the house due to being married. 
 

Sometimes she tells me she can’t get together anymore because the husband is actually going out with work friends or whatever. 
 

we’ve talked a lot about a life together. Having kids. Buying a house. Etc. Again all talk. Because the first thing that would need to happen is her separation from him and that hasn’t happened. 

[calvinstorm]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you don't really want a relationship. That's why this is convenient for you.

It's easy when the husband takes care of everything else and all you have to do is wait to see if she can slip away for a tryst.

This isn't about her. This is about not wanting more than easy free sex here and there,when she can slip away.

 

I do want a relationship. Although I’m on the older side of things I actually still hope to have more kids. Only have 1. 

[calvinstorm]

4 hours ago, salparadise said:

Yea, like everyone else says- she's been disrespecting you consistently from the beginning. Even if she left the marriage, what would you have? Someone who lies and manipulates you... and a consistent cheater. Would you really choose to switch places with the husband? Knowing what you know, how will it feel when she comes sneaking back in in the middle of the night?

She will waste another 5-10-15 years of your life if you allow it. She just likes having someone for sex on the side. Remember, she initiated it by lying to you. The only solution is to realize that you want a real life rather than living in this shadow existence, and do what you need to do. Get some support so that you don't backslide and just cut it off cleanly.

 

Thanks. I’m deciding between cutting her off cold or continuing seeing her but start dating until I find someone I can be with. 

[calvinstorm]

33 minutes ago, notbroken said:

This is going to be harsh - but the truth often is.   She is a liar and a cheater.  Why would you want to be with someone like that?   Could you ever trust her even if she did leave her husband.   NEVER chase after someone that isn't 100% available.  She's not.  Personally, I could never trust her - and that is critical for long term success in a relationship.  Be better to yourself.   Get rid of her ASAP. 

I learned this yes. Again. I didn’t pursue her in the beginning when I found out she was marrried. It was after we linked up again and she told me she was separated that I started seeing her. By the time I found out she was still livin with him, I was already deeply in love with her and that’s what has made this so difficult. 

[notbroken]

I am so sorry.   It has to be painful.  However, loving her won't change who she is or what she did.  She showed you who she is - believe her.   You'll have more pain longer by staying with her.  

 

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, calvinstorm said:

Thanks. I’m deciding between cutting her off cold or continuing seeing her but start dating until I find someone I can be with. 

You're fooling yourself if you do this.  There's no way you will fall for someone new while this woman is in the picture.  You have to put your big boy pants on and cut her off cold turkey and then start dating again.  She will continue dragging you through this hell with her until one day you wake up just a shell of your old self.  She isn't going to leave her husband because in her sick way she is still in love with him.  You don't know what goes on in their home, in their bed and in their marriage other than lies she tells you to keep you hooked. Cheating MW, unlike cheating MM, will leave their marriage to be with the man they love who can provide them a better life.  This one just wants a guy on the side, you, to make her marriage bearable during the rough and boring times that all marriages go through.  When she cancels on you that is during the up times when everything is peachy keen between them and she has no need for you.  When you get tired of being her "binky blanket" you will let this woman go.

[calvinstorm]

17 minutes ago, notbroken said:

I am so sorry.   It has to be painful.  However, loving her won't change who she is or what she did.  She showed you who she is - believe her.   You'll have more pain longer by staying with her.  

 

Thanks.  

[vla1120]

41 minutes ago, calvinstorm said:

It was after we linked up again and she told me she was separated that I started seeing her.

Unfortunately, your entire relationship has been based on lies since the beginning. I do not see a way to make this a healthy relationship and you shouldn't bide time with her while you wait for an available woman to come along. It doesn't happen that way. You need to end it with her and cut all ties. Of course, she'll try to draw you back in by telling you she cannot live without you. Clearly, she can. She's had 5 years to make a move toward being with you and she hasn't done a thing. Be strong and good luck!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, calvinstorm said:

I do want a relationship. Although I’m on the older side of things I actually still hope to have more kids. Only have 1. 

Although you overlooked the fact that she lives with her husband and also turned a blind eye to never being in her home.

So while you claim you want a relationship, in this case, you somehow stayed with someone unavailable because you're unavailable.

[LynneVicious]

13 hours ago, calvinstorm said:

Thanks. I agree. I haven’t been strong enough to make a decision and stick to it. I’ve been with many woman in my life. I’m in my 40s. Never one that I’ve felt this way with. The sex is amazing. Better than with anyone else I’ve been. 

This is because the basis of affairs is fantasy. You’re in the fog. Look it up. Would the sec be equally as good if it weren’t so hidden or taboo? If you had bills to pay, fights about children, losing jobs, losing loved ones, cleaning etc. 

Do you believe she would be faithful to you if she left her husband? If she cheats on her husband, who she made a vow to, she would certainly cheat on you. 

The success rates of long Term success of a relationship resulting from an affair is abysmal. There’s a reason for that. 

also, if she wanted to leave her husband, she’s had 5 years to do it. If you stay, she’ll just cake eat and have both of you for many more years. If you give an ultimatum and she leaves, there will forever be resentment.

Bottom line is- she’s still with her husband because she wants to be. 

[calvinstorm]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Although you overlooked the fact that she lives with her husband and also turned a blind eye to never being in her home.

So while you claim you want a relationship, in this case, you somehow stayed with someone unavailable because you're unavailable.

I’m unavailable because I’m tied up with her. Got it.