Should I leave Her? What Would You do in My Situation?

[calvinstorm]

17 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

This is because the basis of affairs is fantasy. You’re in the fog. Look it up. Would the sec be equally as good if it weren’t so hidden or taboo? If you had bills to pay, fights about children, losing jobs, losing loved ones, cleaning etc. 

Do you believe she would be faithful to you if she left her husband? If she cheats on her husband, who she made a vow to, she would certainly cheat on you. 

The success rates of long Term success of a relationship resulting from an affair is abysmal. There’s a reason for that. 

also, if she wanted to leave her husband, she’s had 5 years to do it. If you stay, she’ll just cake eat and have both of you for many more years. If you give an ultimatum and she leaves, there will forever be resentment.

Bottom line is- she’s still with her husband because she wants to be. 

Well she gets very stressed and overwhelmed with day to day life so I know if we were living together I wold have to deal with this and offer lots of support. I know relationships are not perfect and willing to put in the work and help as much as I can. 

[Mrin]

Cut all ties. It's typically the best solution for the end of any relationship particularly this one. 

Even if she does actually go through with divorcing her husband she's going to be a complete nut job (most people typically are) and you probably don't want any part of that. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, calvinstorm said:

Well she gets very stressed and overwhelmed with day to day life so I know if we were living together I wold have to deal with this and offer lots of support.

I say this with kindness, you are far too kind and trusting for your own good. You are the perfect codependent partner for someone who is looking for another to use as an emotional crutch. Perhaps it would be a good idea to find a counsellor who could help you to understand how to establish a healthy personal boundary in a relationship. 

Edited December 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[calvinstorm]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I say this with kindness, you are far too kind and trusting for your own good. You are the perfect codependent partner for someone who is looking for another to use as an emotional crutch. Perhaps it would be a good idea to find a counsellor who could help you to understand how to establish a healthy personal boundary in a relationship. 

I’ve been told this before. I’m too good a person I guess. Naive at times. 

[Whodatdog]

Seems to be a little bit of co dependency going on with you in this relationship. You do need to draw a line in the sand and tell her....I still want a relationship with you, but I cant do it alone. Im not going to see you or talk to you any more until you are free to be in a committed relationship with me.

And then do it. And no, dont keep seeing her hoping to find someone else. You'll never be open to a new relationship as long as you are still seeing her.

This will be harder on you than her. She has her family to run back to. What do you have? Five wasted years? It wont be easy for you, but its the only way to move on from this and find someone who can give you more than crumbs.

[mark clemson]

Agreeing with vast majority of what's been said above. Simple isn't always easy. The simple (and logical in your case) thing to do is walk away. This isn't making you happy, it may not be making her happy anymore either, and if she's had 5 years it's extremely unlikely she's going to leave. The prevailing wisdom around here is that MW are more likely to leave in an affair than men, but - she hasn't. Spoiler alert - it ain't gonna happen in January either (the chance is something like 1% IMO). She doesn't have the stomach for a divorce, I suspect.

This has been a dysfunctional relationship for you (albeit clearly acceptable at least in part for you, if you stayed for 5 years) , and a band aid on what sounds like an unhappy marriage for her. You probably (unintentionally) helped her tolerate her marriage. It is what it is, but now you have nothing to show for it except memories of a woman you can't be with and who probably wouldn't have been a healthy partner for you anyhow. Consider that you may well have dodged a bullet by not "winning" her, and move on to something better.

Edited December 17, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, calvinstorm said:

I’ve been told this before. I’m too good a person I guess. Naive at times. 

You don't seem naive, since she delivered herself to your place for no-strings sex and you knew she was married and went home to her husband.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Just put this chapter behind you and move forward in peace.

[elaine567]

18 hours ago, calvinstorm said:

I’m unavailable because I’m tied up with her. Got it. 

No that is not how it usually goes.
You are "unavailable", so you get into a relationship with an unavailable woman.

[Uruktopi]

40 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

No that is not how it usually goes.
You are "unavailable", so you get into a relationship with an unavailable woman.

No that is not and neither how it usually goes.

That´s a kind of "inner side" reductionism not unlike the one attributed to only biological "built in" factors (they look at genotype and forget that life is about the phenotype).

To focus in solely / mainly what each individual "IS" blind us to where and why things happen: interactions with the world. Our "inner being" (both biological and psychological) have severe constraints on what is called it´s material / social "degrees of freedom". 

I find plausible what the OP says (that is also about her).

May be the path to go from mantras to facts is to look if this (to get attached with an unnavailable one) is a persistent behaviour or it happended this time and not or rarely before.

 

 

Edited December 17, 2021 by Uruktopi

[calvinstorm]

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Agreeing with vast majority of what's been said above. Simple isn't always easy. The simple (and logical in your case) thing to do is walk away. This isn't making you happy, it may not be making her happy anymore either, and if she's had 5 years it's extremely unlikely she's going to leave. The prevailing wisdom around here is that MW are more likely to leave in an affair than men, but - she hasn't. Spoiler alert - it ain't gonna happen in January either (the chance is something like 1% IMO). She doesn't have the stomach for a divorce, I suspect.

This has been a dysfunctional relationship for you (albeit clearly acceptable at least in part for you, if you stayed for 5 years) , and a band aid on what sounds like an unhappy marriage for her. You probably (unintentionally) helped her tolerate her marriage. It is what it is, but now you have nothing to show for it except memories of a woman you can't be with and who probably wouldn't have been a healthy partner for you anyhow. Consider that you may well have dodged a bullet by not "winning" her, and move on to something better.

Yep. That has always been my thinking. She has it easier than me in this. When I break things off she will have her husband there readily available and eager to be with her. 
 

The mind movies are killing me but that’s the price I pay I guess for my mistake.

She has always had the leverage and I’ve been playing a game I can’t win. I’ll be alone until I find someone and can build a meaningful relationship with that person. 

[calvinstorm]

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Agreeing with vast majority of what's been said above. Simple isn't always easy. The simple (and logical in your case) thing to do is walk away. This isn't making you happy, it may not be making her happy anymore either, and if she's had 5 years it's extremely unlikely she's going to leave. The prevailing wisdom around here is that MW are more likely to leave in an affair than men, but - she hasn't. Spoiler alert - it ain't gonna happen in January either (the chance is something like 1% IMO). She doesn't have the stomach for a divorce, I suspect.

This has been a dysfunctional relationship for you (albeit clearly acceptable at least in part for you, if you stayed for 5 years) , and a band aid on what sounds like an unhappy marriage for her. You probably (unintentionally) helped her tolerate her marriage. It is what it is, but now you have nothing to show for it except memories of a woman you can't be with and who probably wouldn't have been a healthy partner for you anyhow. Consider that you may well have dodged a bullet by not "winning" her, and move on to something better.

This is what I will do. Have to remain strong and go through with it. 

[calvinstorm]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't seem naive, since she delivered herself to your place for no-strings sex and you knew she was married and went home to her husband.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Just put this chapter behind you and move forward in peace.

I’m talking to her today to end things.