Raw pain of infidelity - so different from other losses

[merrmeade]

Why is the pain of infidelity so different from any other experience for the BS?

I usually come back to LS when there's a trigger - something that throws you into some element of that emotional torture chamber brought on by the discovery of your spouse's infidelity. The trigger for me this time happened while I was going back through photos for a video memorial for my dog who died two days ago. I started realizing that my ability to remember what pictures might be found on certain dates revolved around D-day and related events. Then, I came across a label for a group of pictures that I'd put on a group of pictures taken about a month after D-day.

Background:

The label I'd given to this album of pictures was the trigger. It was called "Gate pictures." I'd deleted photos of the gate, but the label suddenly made me think of its significance. About six weeks after D-day, I' took pictures of a gate that my husband had promised to make for OW. At the time, I was actually facilitating the transaction because it represented income that we needed. He had done lots of paid work on her house, and this was the final piece. Once he shipped the gate, he would be paid, so I arranged everything because he'd gone NC with her. NC had been broken once about two weeks earlier when she tried to communicate with him about the gate via her neighbor. The excuse was that there was some relative who could come by and pick it up and bring it to the city about six hours away where she lived. I discovered the texts and, of course, flipped out. He was befuddled and flustered that this was "bad'; she was sardonic and scornful that this manner of communication broke the 'rules.'

That is, she knew I didn't want them communicating any more, so she thought this would be ok: asking the neighbor (also her good friend who had his number because of his work on OW's house) to relay her messages to him - messages, she probably thought didn't count because they were merely business-related and, therefore, not anything about feelings or their relationship. Guess I should add that OW was my brother's wife, so the 'normalcy' of any interactions between any of us had an assumed social sanction that she took advantage of. When she found out (I can't remember if I asked him to tell her or if I told her) that I'd discovered the texts and didn't like it, she made fun of me. 

I do remember that I was learning from this forum all the time about what was damaging to me. As I learned, I'd stop whatever it was.  So probably somebody on LS told me it was high time for the NC letter, and that was what we did. WS wrote it. I read it and was okay with it, then sealed and mailed it. But because he wrote and signed it, she abided by it. And she really did NC. I have zero question that she ever 'broke' it again. THAT is just how much he meant to her that she would do it finally when he asked it of her. When I'd requested it, she never hesitated for a minute to step right around the spirit of the request - e.g., don't contact my husband - and continue her life using some other means of asking him whatever she wanted, whenever through her friend. 

So end of background story about why the label - "Gate pictures" - triggered me.

I could probably have written this post without the background because the real question for me is - damn, this hurts again, making me groan with deep pain that I can feel on my skin, in my gut, my whole body really. And I remember that pain. It was in the forefront and background of every moment for the next year and to some extent for the next five years - deep, agonizing pain that brings you to your knees and stops thought. I didn't fall to my knees or need to lie down this time as I always did back then, but it was amazingly debilitating and made me realize that this injury is like no other in life. No death or loss comes close. 

So my real question is why? Why is this pain so much worse than any other? It is as physically disabling as mentally. It is insupportable, and no one understands it but those who have been surprised by infidelity. WSs sometimes say it's retribution. Affair partners make fun of it. And many expect you to "move on," "get over it," and forgive. Saying any of those three tells me the person has never been cheated on. But I get that now. I totally get why they don't understand. I don't think I would either had it not happened to me. I don't really care any more and don't think they can get it.

But I want to understand better. Why is it like PTSD? I understand the "Gate picture" reminds me that my spouse (in this order) flagrantly lied to you over time that he felt and expressed loyalty and affection to someone else instead. In my case, it was not both of us. It was she who got the tenderness and sincere concern and unselfish motivation to help her in any way, not me. Our relationship did not also continue at the same time. It was taken from me and given to her. When I realized how close they'd gotten emotionally, how much they talked and confided in each other, I was heartsick and devastated. The rejection and consolation prize of getting a sincerely repentant spouse returned to me who had never treated me with that degree of consideration was massively devastating.  incomprehensible. And THAT is what bubbles up to the surface again when triggered.

I totally get that I'm extra vulnerable because of the loss of my beloved pet of ten years. I'm already opened up emotionally, so that trigger just kind of lays me bare. But is that all there is to it? It's just a destroyed ego?

Edited December 17, 2021 by merrmeade
spelling, clarity

[merrmeade]

I guess I should say that we have worked through a lot and come a long way. We've realized the reasons they were vulnerable at that time. He and I have worked on developing a better, more fulfilling relationship than the one we had before the affair. I don't need to understand all that. I want to understand why the hell betrayal is so awful. It seems to be universally the most horrific, devastating experience in life. I'm not unique. I've read it over and over on this forum for years. 

Edited December 17, 2021 by merrmeade
clarification

[glows]

As long as he keeps reaffirming his loyalty to you going forward you may repair that PTSD and slowly rewrite those memories over time. Instead of remembering this moment in time with such rawness, the edge may be taken off. I'm a firm believer that positive experiences and memories can blunt the edges of a painful past. 

Maybe some of this is you also letting go of the old you, before you knew about the affair. Things are not the same. It's some agonizing transition into a new person that you have had to become in order to withstand that shock and betrayal.

[merrmeade]

5 hours ago, glows said:

As long as he keeps reaffirming his loyalty to you going forward you may repair that PTSD and slowly rewrite those memories over time. Instead of remembering this moment in time with such rawness, the edge may be taken off. I'm a firm believer that positive experiences and memories can blunt the edges of a painful past. 

Maybe some of this is you also letting go of the old you, before you knew about the affair. Things are not the same. It's some agonizing transition into a new person that you have had to become in order to withstand that shock and betrayal.

I like this very much - especially "Maybe some of this is you also letting go of the old you, before you knew about the affair. Things are not the same. It's some agonizing transition into a new person."

But I did not become a new person "in order to withstand that shock and betrayal." I can withstand shock, betrayal and a lot more now because I am different and know more. That is reward in and of itself. Becoming a new person was an end in and of itself, not a means.

[S2B]

For me it was realizing that my husband wasn’t the man/husband I thought he was.

he was a new version of himself I didn’t recognize and one I didn’t know, didn’t like and would never get used to.

he was a person who could easily lie to me, betray me and treat me terribly. 

and when I realized this is who he is/and that he was that person/capable of being that person who could do that easily to me = I wanted nothing more to do with him. He had ruined our entire family by being selfish and needing “more” when he had the perfect life at home. 

it was the end of what I knew him to be.

it’s mourning the loss of the good part of the person you used to know.

Edited December 18, 2021 by S2B

[glows]

6 hours ago, merrmeade said:

I like this very much - especially "Maybe some of this is you also letting go of the old you, before you knew about the affair. Things are not the same. It's some agonizing transition into a new person."

But I did not become a new person "in order to withstand that shock and betrayal." I can withstand shock, betrayal and a lot more now because I am different and know more. That is reward in and of itself. Becoming a new person was an end in and of itself, not a means.

Can it also be said that we continue to shift and absorb pain or grow in different ways as time goes on? 

You’re finding small pieces or memories that take you back to a very painful time and it seems you are continuing to make sense of the past and trying to grow past what has happened. 

[merrmeade]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Can it also be said that we continue to shift and absorb pain or grow in different ways as time goes on? 

You’re finding small pieces or memories that take you back to a very painful time and it seems you are continuing to make sense of the past and trying to grow past what has happened. 

Definitely

its been all about making sense of it. 

[merrmeade]

6 hours ago, glows said:

Can it also be said that we continue to shift and absorb pain or grow in different ways as time goes on? 

You’re finding small pieces or memories that take you back to a very painful time and it seems you are continuing to make sense of the past and trying to grow past what has happened. 

Yes, I'm listening to a podcast by two therapists that specialize in treating people reeling from an exposed affair. They talk about that aspect and the accompanying need for information The past suddenly had to be rewritten and I was desperate for the truth. WH made it so much worse because he wouldn't, but they talk about that too. The WS never volunteers and has to be discovered. They never reveal more than is already understood thinking that it will stay buried if they don't. 

[merrmeade]

I'm listening to two podcasts that were recommended to me to learn about betrayal trauma. Wish I'd heard them a long time ago. It is hard, important information and does answer my question. It's hard because it's like making the victim return to the scene of the crime. It's important because they quickly normalize the experience as they speak and give assurance that healing is in the future. There are new concepts and vocabulary - breech of safety, feeling violated - but most powerful is the relief of validation. Their description of the obsession, rumination, hypervigilance as a desperate attempt to get information, which looks like going through phone bills, credit card statements, etc. for days and months, is especially amazing to hear. I've NEVER heard anyone describe that particular behavior that I did for months. They said it used to be called co-dependence, which is just so insulting as if there is something wrong with US.

Then they talk about the difficulty of healing because of "reminders" which feels like seeing 'danger' everywhere. That's why they come back again and again to the key theme of safety. Our safety has been threatened because this person we trusted with our most intimate selves was not who we thought s/he was and we don't know what is true or real. The past has been rewritten, and the present continues to injure us.

One point they make is about shaming the BS by implying they're pushovers because they don't do what someone else did - placing a value judgment on how someone is dealing with betrayal. This is awful and happens on this very forum. I felt it in my initial thread just learning about what was happening to me, and I've seen it done to others. I've been coming and going on this forum for 11 years and there's always a different makeup and backgrounds among the frequent posters in any given year. Some years it's a preponderance of BSs who reconcile. Other years it's BSs who divorced. Other years it's people who have never even experienced infidelity (that's the worst) and offer advice anyway. There are all combinations of attitudes toward infidelity that could be dominant, but the hardest is the BS who divorced and comes in shaming the poster as a weak sissy for not kicking WS to the curb first thing. Shaming a BS is low and cruel and adds another layer of trauma to work through. Just sayin' this was actually a trigger in itself for me before. It happens.

[merrmeade]

I am very sorry, everyone. I am sorry to myself as well but I cannot do this now. 

I thought before this happened that I had resolved and healed the best I could from the holocaust of my life that was the discovery of my husband's addiction and secret life. I realize now I didn't. I have, however, learned how to cope. It's the holidays. I've made commitments. I cannot do both that and this. I cannot go another hour into this emotional minefield I've opened up with this post and also follow through with the plans I'd made for the next two weeks. 

I've spent the morning on the floor and am taking this step and choice to leave re-examination of My Life and re-enter the superficial realm of day-to-day survival. 

I'll come back to this afterward somehow. Maybe here; maybe not. Feel free to carry on the discussion. The topic is on the table, but I'm not there for the time being. I cannot do it now.

[merrmeade]

I will do it the right way with my therapist. Our next appointment is next week. But I cannot do it this way. My world was beginning to spiral out of control as my entire life suddenly re-presented itself for evaluation and rescue - or not. Such a conversation - between My Life and Me takes time and attention - to regain a sense of control.