Long affair now getting married

[Sareenaa122]

3 hours ago, glows said:

This is more than likely your guilt speaking. 

Frankly the sensible thing would be to end the relationship, do therapy, freeze your eggs and come clean with yourself and all that buried pain instead of piling on layer after layer of distress and lies. 

Choosing to actively continue that which is self-destructive doesn’t mean this nightmare ends. You will continue to relive this fear and anxiety in a loop.

If I end the relationship I will end up alone. I’m too scared.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

1 hour ago, Sareenaa122 said:

My AP came clean with his wife and friends and family and is now divorced and alone. Everyone important to him knows about our affair. And his family knows my partner.

It seems very likely the affair will become known if the AP family knows your partner. You clearly can’t get married to someone you are not in love with and not 100% all in and committed. 

I think you need to seek therapy, and work out a plan to live an honest and authentic life. if that means coming clean to your partner, working through the issues and one day getting married, so be it but the marriage won’t work given your lack of desire to be married to him.

You could end the relationship, freeze your eggs and get in a healthy mental and emotional state. Marrying just to have a baby is not fair to anyone….esp. your partner and the baby, who will be raised in a home that lacks true harmony.

Edited December 19, 2021 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[glows]

1 hour ago, Sareenaa122 said:

If I end the relationship I will end up alone. I’m too scared.

Yes, if that is the narrative or the thing you keep telling yourself things won’t change.

Therapy might help you but you’ll have to want to seek that extra help and overcome that fear. I hope you are noticing that your default seems to cycle back to fear for every challenge you face. You’re living in perpetual fear. I also hope you find peace in some way and find a way to break past all your fears. This is no way to live. 

[Sareenaa122]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, if that is the narrative or the thing you keep telling yourself things won’t change.

Therapy might help you but you’ll have to want to seek that extra help and overcome that fear. I hope you are noticing that your default seems to cycle back to fear for every challenge you face. You’re living in perpetual fear. I also hope you find peace in some way and find a way to break past all your fears. This is no way to live. 

I am fearful of everything that is true.

I sent a message to my AP telling him that if he wants to talk about anything he can and that I’m thinking about him all the time. I don’t know why I did that.

he wrote back saying I know where he is and I haven’t responded.

[Amethyst68]

Why do you think it's ok to condemn your fiance to a marriage where he's already going to be second best? Don't you think he should be allowed to find a partner who thinks he's the important part of a relationship, not just Mr Security for someone who's body clock is ticking. 

TBH you've a proven track record as a serial cheater, the chances of you not cheating again are very slim.

[stillafool]

On 12/18/2021 at 7:34 AM, Sareenaa122 said:

I want to be a mother. I doubt myself as a good one. My fiancé will be a good father.

So you want to be a mother but are doubtful you'll be a good one so you are therefore relying on your fiance who you've cheated on, not in love with, to be a good father to your kids.  You seem to be too afraid to do anything.  May I suggest therapy before you think of marrying or becoming a mother.  Don't bring others into your confusion as it won't end well for anyone.

Edited December 19, 2021 by stillafool

[Sareenaa122]

57 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So you want to be a mother but are doubtful you'll be a good one so you are therefore relying on your fiance who you've cheated on, not in love with, to be a good father to your kids.  You seem to be too afraid to do anything.  May I suggest therapy before you think of marrying or becoming a mother.  Don't bring others into your confusion as it won't end well for anyone.

I love him like family and he is stable and secure. And he wants to be with me. I am all over the place. My relationship with him is not enough. But having a family with him might be. My entire life is intertwined with his, we have a house, a business, our family and friends, everything. Everyone asks me when I am going to have children. My sister and my mother. I’m too scared to go to therapy. I’m too scared to make any decision as I regret everything in my life.

[Sareenaa122]

8 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

Why do you think it's ok to condemn your fiance to a marriage where he's already going to be second best? Don't you think he should be allowed to find a partner who thinks he's the important part of a relationship, not just Mr Security for someone who's body clock is ticking. 

TBH you've a proven track record as a serial cheater, the chances of you not cheating again are very slim.

He wants to be with me. He is important to me and I love him like family. But our relationship is not enough. He is stable and loving and a good person and will be a good father. Having a family might be enough to make me happy.

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, Sareenaa122 said:

He is important to me and I love him like family.

A romantic partner, (bf or husband) does not want to be just loved like family but loved in a romantic and sexual way.   It is selfish to marry someone who does not know you are only settling for them and not "in love" with them.  Do you plan to tell him the truth about your feelings before you marry?  

Edited December 19, 2021 by stillafool

[Sareenaa122]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

A romantic partner, (bf or husband) does not want to be just loved like family but loved in a romantic and sexual way.   It is selfish to marry someone who does not know you are only settling for them and not "in love" with them.  Do you plan to tell him the truth about your feelings before you marry?  

No. I can’t tell him the truth about what’s happened. He would leave me. I want to bury my past and get through this as best I can. I have told him that I’m not in love with him and he is still there. I compartmentalise a lot and distract myself. That might be selfish. Im trying to protect and preserve everything I have. I don’t know what else to do. I’m too scared of everything. He wants to get married before children. So I have to get married to have children and start a family.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Sareenaa122 said:

So I have to get married to have children and start a family.

But you said earlier you aren't even sure you'll be a good mother.  What is prompting you to have kids other than your age?  What happens when you cheat again?  Why not stay single?

[Sareenaa122]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

But you said earlier you aren't even sure you'll be a good mother.  What is prompting you to have kids other than your age?  What happens when you cheat again?  Why not stay single?

I don’t know whether I’ll be a good mother. I am full of self doubt. My age is prompting me to have kids. And the best option for me right now is to stay where I am and have children. If I am single I may not find anyone and I will keep getting older and more anxious about not satisfying a need to be a mother. If I can’t have kids I will be devastated. It’s all about me.

[BaileyB]

On 12/18/2021 at 6:20 AM, Sareenaa122 said:

I’m marrying my partner of 17 years who I’ve cheated on twice over nearly 8 years of our relationship.

I am thinking of marriage and family because my body clock is running out and im worried I will miss out on being a mother.

Please don’t marry this man. It is an incredibly selfish thing to do - to marry a man that you do not love and have betrayed twice because your biological clock is ticking and you want children. That is the absolute worst reason to bring a child into this world. And, to take away his choice and his ability to make an informed decision about his life by keeping the truth from him - that is a cruel thing to do to another human being. 

Quote

And the best option for me right now is to stay where I am and have children. I will keep getting older and more anxious about not satisfying a need to be a mother. If I can’t have kids I will be devastated. It’s all about me.

It’s all about you - the affairs, your decision to keep the truth from your partner for fear that he will leave, your decision to cut your losses and procreate in the relationship you have now because it will take too long to find a different partner, your desire to bring a child into the world to fulfill your need to be a mother - you use people to meet your needs and still, you are desperately unhappy because you have made a series of very, very poor decisions. I’m sorry for your pain, but this is disturbing…

Edited December 20, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

On 12/18/2021 at 5:54 AM, Sareenaa122 said:

My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the same time. My world feels upside down. I don’t have any joy in my life. 

I too have lost my mother to cancer. I know the pain, and the loneliness. I’m so very sorry for your loss. 

Have you had any counselling? The grief and depression are so very evident in what you have shared. You have a lot of healing to do personally before you will find joy in life again. You have a lot of healing to do before you make any major life decisions - particularly the decision to bring a child into this world. 

I once heard the quote - “I never know grief felt so much like fear.” That was very true for me, I had never felt so alone in life and I was terrified for the future - I didn’t know how I would cope, I felt like the best part of my life had passed and I was afraid I would never feel joy again. 

You are making decision passed out of fear, and decisions made from fear are usually not good decisions. Trust me, your grief and depression has clouded your thinking and your decision making in ways that you can not comprehend right now. 

That said, you have a long history of making very poor decisions for yourself. Grief and depression do not excuse the selfish and hurtful decision making you have shown for your entire adult life. 

You have so much that you are dealing with, please seek some support for yourself if you haven’t do so already. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

Having a family might be enough to make me happy.

It won’t. A child won’t fill what’s missing inside you - if you are unhappy now you will be unhappy as a mother. 

A child won’t heal your grief and depression, it won’t heal the problems in your relationship, it won’t bring you happiness and joy if you don’t already have that for yourself. 

And I would ask - how fair is it to the child that they would be brought into this world only to find themselves responsible for the happiness of his/her mother? 

[BaileyB]

On 12/18/2021 at 2:25 PM, elaine567 said:

You have two lovers because neither is actually "enough".
That is the main problem.
Both men are "lacking" in some way.

Both men are lacking because the problem is within -

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

I’m too scared to go to therapy.

What scares you about therapy? How could it be any worse than what you are experiencing right now? 

19 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

I sent a message to my AP telling him that if he wants to talk about anything he can and that I’m thinking about him all the time. I don’t know why I did that.

Let’s take an already messed up situation and make it even more difficult…

As was said above, you really need to stop. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Tell yourself - it will be ok. 

Monday morning, check your health insurance and begin the process of finding a counsellor. It is the single best decision you could make for yourself. You are searching for answers - this is your answer. You need a counsellor more than you need an affair partner or a fiancé or a baby right now. 

Edited December 20, 2021 by BaileyB

[Sareenaa122]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s all about you - the affairs, your decision to keep the truth from your partner for fear that he will leave, your decision to cut your losses and procreate in the relationship you have now because it will take too long to find a different partner, your desire to bring a child into the world to fulfill your need to be a mother - you use people to meet your needs and still, you are desperately unhappy because you have made a series of very, very poor decisions. I’m sorry for your pain, but this is disturbing…

This is the truest thing. I can’t think beyond myself. I like to think I care about others but I can’t think of anything but how life affects me. I will marry my fiancé as I love him in a certain way and he is my security blanket and I can give him a family and he can provide me a family too. I earn as much as him we are well off enough. I regret my affairs. I found love somewhere else and my AP broke his family apart to be with me and now I can’t meet him as I’m too terrified of how it all looks and the hurt it will cause others. It all seemed good in fantasy land but thinking of the reality terrifies me and I am a coward.

I am too far gone on self preservation to tell my fiancé. He wants to marry and have a family so I’ll go along for the ride. I have never taken proper responsibility on my life. 

[Amethyst68]

1 hour ago, Sareenaa122 said:

I’m too terrified of how it all looks and the hurt it will cause others

I'm sorry but while I believe the first part of your statement here the second part is patently untrue. What about the hurt you've already done to an innocent woman and child? Do they not matter as long as you're not linked to their pain by others?

As for your boyfriend wanting to marry and have a family with you - how true would that be if he knew the truth? 

You're building an extremely shaky house of cards and it's all going to come falling down on you at some point in the future. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

You're building an extremely shaky house of cards and it's all going to come falling down on you at some point in the future. 

Truer words have never been written.  You can't continue to take advantage and use people for your own purposes and not expect karma to pay you back.  It will and that is what you should be fearful of.

[mark clemson]

On 12/18/2021 at 8:15 PM, Sareenaa122 said:

I have covered my tracks. My AP came clean with his wife and friends and family and is now divorced and alone. Everyone important to him knows about our affair. And his family knows my partner.

I’m trying to move on and just focus on work and eventually planning a wedding and trying to have kids if I can and waiting for things to get better.

On 12/18/2021 at 8:16 PM, Sareenaa122 said:

If I end the relationship I will end up alone. I’m too scared.

18 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

 I’m too scared to go to therapy. I’m too scared to make any decision as I regret everything in my life.

 

Hmm. There seem to be a lot of contradictions in what you write, and you seem to make many of your decisions based on fear.

I'd suggest you overcome your fear of therapy as honestly it sounds like you may need it in order to move forward with your life in a non-reactive way.

[pepperbird2]

On 12/18/2021 at 4:00 PM, Sareenaa122 said:

But if I stop I will be too old to have what I want and start a family.

his woudl mean you're not having kids for them, you're having them for you, and you woudl be willing to live with a man you do not really want to be with just so YOU can have what you want (kids).

Is that really the route you want to take? What sort of life would that be for them?

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

7 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

This is the truest thing. I can’t think beyond myself. I like to think I care about others but I can’t think of anything but how life affects me

I really hope you do not have children. Not only are you not happy with your fiancé and have lied and cheated for years, you state how you can’t think of anyone but yourself. Not the right mindset to have when starting a family. The baby will be born into a situation what is fraught with challenges. Please seek therapy.

[colingrant]

Wouldn't be a bad idea to start thinking about other people first for a change. 

[notbroken]

Many of the replies are that the men are lacking in some way or you wouldn't seek attention elsewhere.  Honestly, I disagree.  Your cheating isn't on them.  It is on you.  Own it.  You made the choice.  Only you can determine why - and it isn't because they are lacking something.  No one is perfect.  You'd always find some excuse to cheat and getting married won't magically stop that.  Your partner thinks you are loyal.  You are not.  Please don't continue your relationship with him if you can't be faithful.  It just isn't fair to him.  Don't marry him.  Seek therapy and figure out why you are so torn.