Long affair now getting married

[BaileyB]

^^^ I’m not sold that the fiancé isn’t a really nice man and if OP was in a healthier place herself, it may actually be a good relationship for her. 

It’s difficult to know because it’s hard to have a healthy relationship when one of the individuals is in an emotionally unhealthy place. There are so many layers here - grief, depression, and anxiety have all played a part in the very poor decision making. Not to mention, the selfish entitlement that allows an individual to cheat on their partner, to withhold his truth and his ability to make an informed decision about his future, and to bring a child into a world when the child’s mother is not in a healthy place and the relationship is not stable. At this point, she is in so deep that it feels like there is no way out. It’s an absolute a mess of dishonesty, infidelity, and betrayal. Her anxiety and desperation are leading OP to compound her poor choices - 

It begins and ends with you OP. You have a lot of work to do to get yourself to a healthier place. That should be your one and only goal right now. Did you call a counsellor today OP? 

 

Edited December 20, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lorryborry]

39 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

^^^ I’m not sold that the fiancé isn’t a really nice man and if OP was in a healthier place herself, it may actually be a good relationship for her. 

It’s difficult to know because it’s hard to have a healthy relationship when one of the individuals is in an emotionally unhealthy place. There are so many layers here - grief, depression, and anxiety have all played a part in the very poor decision making. Not to mention, the selfish entitlement that allows an individual to cheat on their partner, to withhold his truth and his ability to make an informed decision about his future, and to bring a child into a world when the child’s mother is not in a healthy place and the relationship is not stable. At this point, she is in so deep that it feels like there is no way out. It’s an absolute a mess of dishonesty, infidelity, and betrayal. Her anxiety and desperation are leading OP to compound her poor choices - 

It begins and ends with you OP. You have a lot of work to do to get yourself to a healthier place. That should be your one and only goal right now. Did you call a counsellor today OP? 

 

See a therapist,  it's the best form of help

[Sareenaa122]

10 hours ago, BaileyB said:

^^^ I’m not sold that the fiancé isn’t a really nice man and if OP was in a healthier place herself, it may actually be a good relationship for her. 

It’s difficult to know because it’s hard to have a healthy relationship when one of the individuals is in an emotionally unhealthy place. There are so many layers here - grief, depression, and anxiety have all played a part in the very poor decision making. Not to mention, the selfish entitlement that allows an individual to cheat on their partner, to withhold his truth and his ability to make an informed decision about his future, and to bring a child into a world when the child’s mother is not in a healthy place and the relationship is not stable. At this point, she is in so deep that it feels like there is no way out. It’s an absolute a mess of dishonesty, infidelity, and betrayal. Her anxiety and desperation are leading OP to compound her poor choices - 

It begins and ends with you OP. You have a lot of work to do to get yourself to a healthier place. That should be your one and only goal right now. Did you call a counsellor today OP? 

 

I’ve cheated on my partner now for half of our 17 year relationship. I wanted experiences I was too afraid to go out a find by letting go. I am a coward. I am unwell. I need therapy. Though I’m terrified of it as I already suspect I’m really mentally unwell. My partner seems happy with me. I’m too afraid to tell him about my past or talk to him. My mother is still alive though terribly frail and close to death. I am going to bury all my problems and focus on getting through this with him and trying to be happy. Though I can’t stop thinking of children being what might give me purpose and direction I have lacked all my life. No, this decision is not on his terms as he does not know all the variables. But who ever does? The alternative and potential consequences are too much for me to manage and I’m absolutely terrified.

My AP has told me everything this forum has said and more. Everything. I never really listened to it.

I will try to take myself to therapy. I’m just a mess and trying to focus on things like work and my mother and doing what I can around the house.

[Sareenaa122]

13 hours ago, notbroken said:

Many of the replies are that the men are lacking in some way or you wouldn't seek attention elsewhere.  Honestly, I disagree.  Your cheating isn't on them.  It is on you.  Own it.  You made the choice.  Only you can determine why - and it isn't because they are lacking something.  No one is perfect.  You'd always find some excuse to cheat and getting married won't magically stop that.  Your partner thinks you are loyal.  You are not.  Please don't continue your relationship with him if you can't be faithful.  It just isn't fair to him.  Don't marry him.  Seek therapy and figure out why you are so torn.  

No man would stay with someone who has cheated on them for 8 years with two different men in two different capacities, and now settling to get married and have a family without telling him, if he ever found out. It’s not fair. You are right. But I don’t know what to do.

[Amethyst68]

3 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

I don’t know what to do

Come on now at least be honest. You know exactly what to do, you just don't want to do it because you don't want to face the consequences of your own actions. 

As for nobody knowing all the variables in a relationship, that's a ridiculous statement when what you are talking about cheating on your partner for 8 years! 

The most important thing you can do now is deal with your mental health issues. Getting married and/or having a baby should not even be thought about before you do this. You're not old and certainly nowhere near the end of your ability to have children so take the time and get healthy. 

[pepperbird2]

One of the best gifts a parent can give a child is to make sure they're in a mentally/emotionally healthy place before you start trying for kids. Why make them carry your baggage? You don't have kids for what they can do for you, you have them for what you can offer them

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

No, this decision is not on his terms as he does not know all the variables. But who ever does?

This is an excuse and you know it. Don’t try to use this as a reason for not telling the man that you have been unfaithful - nobody would ever except that as valid. 

3 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

I need therapy. Though I’m terrified of it as I already suspect I’m really mentally unwell. I am going to bury all my problems and focus on getting through this with him and trying to be happy.

You won’t be successful. Feelings like these won’t be buried. If you don’t seek help now, it will only get worse and it will be harder to deal with if you wait. 

[stillafool]

Please go through therapy before you even think of having 1 child.  Children need a strong mother and the way you are now they would have to end up mothering you because you are afraid of your own shadow so I don't see how you could stand up for them and offer protection in your current state.   Don't just have children to satisfy your selfishness of having someone to take care of you when you get too old and these games you play no longer have takers.  They will come to an end much sooner than you think.

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, stillafool said:

they would have to end up mothering you

This is very true, it’s an unfair burden to place on a child. The child will grow to resent you, trust me - I’ve seen it happen in my own life.

I also see the day that you are stuck in an unfulfilling marriage, complaining about the children who are just so demanding - “I feel like I’ve lost my own identity. It’s all about the children. I remember when I could do as I pleased, not anymore.” Perhaps you will be that selfish mother who feels entitled to have another affair because your husband doesn’t meet your needs, the children drain your energy, and you want to feel young and vibrant again! Again, the problem will not be with your husband or your children - the problem is yours because you have never dealt with your feelings and you’ve just added to the responsibility and trapped yourself in a marriage that does not bring you happiness with children who require constant care/attention. 

Edited December 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I also see the day that you are stuck in an unfulfilling marriage, complaining about the children who are just so demanding - “I feel like I’ve lost my own identity.

Yep and when you have children you will be so busy you won't have time to wallow in your self pity the way you do now.  You will have to hit the ground running every day for their welfare.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yep and when you have children you will be so busy you won't have time to wallow in your self pity the way you do now.  You will have to hit the ground running every day for their welfare.

True, except her coping strategy of choice is “flight.” Affairs are an escape. It’s one way to deal with the stress of life - and the stress you feel in your relationship will only increase the deeper you get…

[vla1120]

On 12/18/2021 at 2:56 PM, Sareenaa122 said:

And I owe it to him.

Nope. You don't "owe" your life decisions to anyone. I think you need to take some time for yourself before you embark on a marriage and making a family, thinking it will "complete" you. There are too many unanswered questions. Obviously, your partner has not been enough for you over the years since you have sought the attention of other men without hesitation. If you enter into a marriage with someone you don't truly love enough not to have cheated on him twice, I think you will be setting yourself up for failure. You definitely should not bring a child into that relationship before you are stable in the knowledge that this is the best decision for you AND for your partner.

[Sareenaa122]

What I’m hearing from everyone is that I should stop and get myself healthy before going any further and doing anything particularly getting married and starting a family.

Does anyone think my future with my fiancé has any chance of success? Or is it simply ruined? Please just tell me straight.

[ ]

Putting aside how unwell I am clouding my judgement and me settling with where I am to have a family and a child I always wanted?

I don’t know if I really know what love is anymore. I’ve been so self absorbed. If I wasn’t aware of this or at least open to being told that I am i don’t think there is much real happiness I could find in my future.

Edited December 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

On 12/18/2021 at 6:54 AM, Sareenaa122 said:

. My affair partner and I broke up two weeks ago 

Wait for the dust to settle. Your affair was recent and ended in disappointment. 

Take some time to reflect before making any major decisions.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

Does anyone think my future with my fiancé has any chance of success?

Not if you decide to sacrifice yourself and marry a man a man that you do not feel that you love for the sole purpose of having children. And especially not if you don’t get yourself to a healthier place - 

3 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

I don’t know if I really know what love is anymore. I’ve been so self absorbed.

I believe that. You have completely lost your way. 

Do you have a change with your fiancé? We don’t know. First things first, do you love this man? Because, it sounds to me like you love your affair partner and you are settling for your fiancé because he is the safe choice. You need to figure that out because if you don’t love him you should allow him the opportunity to find a woman who does love him the way he deserves to be loved. Note - this is about him, not you. You owe it to the man to let him find another relationship that will bring him the love he deserves if you do not love him (and I would say that you probably don’t, you certainly haven’t respected him in the way that you should when you cheated on him twice!).

That said, if you decide to stay with the man, you owe him the truth so that he can make an informed decision about his life with all the facts. It is a cruel thing to do - to keep his truth from him so that he is making decisions for his life without having all the facts. You have no right to do that to him! Just as he would have no right to do that to you. 

If you want him to consider reconciliation, you need to demonstrate to him that you understand the problem and you are prepared to do whatever it takes to heal it. That begins and ends with you - you take responsibility for your decisions, you apologize for the pain you have caused, and you have a plan to ensure that this never happens again. You do intensive counselling to address the things that caused you to make these decisions and you do counselling together as a couple to begin the process of rebuilding the relationship. It’s not an easy or a fast process, but it is the only way that you can begin to live an authentic and honest life - 

And you do this understanding, he may well decide that he wants to end the relationship. That’s his choice, but you will be ok. 

I think success here is not defined here by men or relationships. Success means that you get some counselling, maybe some medication for your anxiety, and you are able to get to a healthy place for yourself. That should be your goal. 

Edited December 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

i don’t think there is much real happiness I could find in my future.

You have a long life head of you. There is most definitely happiness to be found but you have a lot of work and a lot of learning to do. 

You have been chasing “happiness” and “love” for years and look where it has got you - depressed, anxious, desperate, confused. 

“Happiness” and “love” can not be found in a relationship or another person if you do not have it already for and within yourself. That’s why, despite your searching, you find yourself entirely depressed and miserable with your life. You can not be in a relationship that makes you unhappy because it is expected by your fiancé and your family. And you will not miraculously find happiness, stable mental health, and love for your partner because you bring a child into this world. You need to get right by yourself, and then you can begin to build a life that brings you joy. 

Edited December 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

 

There is no "straight". There is always a chance of success and there is always a chance of failure, even under the very best circumstances. If your fiance genuinely wants to be with you then you have it better than some folks out there.

I think there is a genuine risk of him discovering your affairs - IF that happens it may throw a major wrench into things, and possibly you end up a divorced single mom.

I have heard that "settling" is one of the main ways that families get made. High-passion relationships have a tendency to burn out, whereas the less intense ones have a better chance at lasting through many years (your 17 year relationship with someone who apparently doesn't fully fulfill you is probably an example, actually). I think the trick with "settling" is to settle for pretty good - not just "whatever's there and available".

As hypothetically a mom, it would be VERY wise I think for you to avoid any affairs as there is undue risk to your family. I also think you could probably use therapy for the emotional issues you seem to have. If you go that route, suggest you seek a very experienced therapist who you like and who doesn't have their own agendas (e.g. WRT affairs). A small % of them are weirdos, so suggest you avoid those too.

There is no having a family without risk, ever. It's just not possible. Certainly your actions have made your decision more difficult. However, people change over time, and couples who married and had families under the very best of circumstances with no cheating or other major issue divorce all the time. There are plenty of single moms who never cheated or similar, were "emotionally safe" partners and ended up divorced anyway - happens every day. You're at a worse starting point than some due to your cheating. However, you also are at a better one in some ways than many folks, with a stable partner of many years who clearly wants to stick around.

So, you're at where you're at, and will have to make a decision from here, taking everything into account. There are some people for whom the decision to start a family is an easy one. However, that's very often partly naivete IMO. For the rest of us it's just like any other tough decision and requires some serious reflection and consideration of all the relevant factors.

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote containing language

[Sareenaa122]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

So, you're at where you're at, and will have to make a decision from here, taking everything into account. There are some people for whom the decision to start a family is an easy one. However, that's very often partly naivete IMO. For the rest of us it's just like any other tough decision and requires some serious reflection and consideration of all the relevant factors.

 

Thank you. There is a lot to take in.

[Sareenaa122]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Not if you decide to sacrifice yourself and marry a man a man that you do not feel that you love for the sole purpose of having children. And especially not if you don’t get yourself to a healthier place 

That said, if you decide to stay with the man, you owe him the truth so that he can make an informed decision about his life with all the facts. It is a cruel thing to do - to keep his truth from him so that he is making decisions for his life without having all the facts. You have no right to do that to him! Just as he would have no right to do that to you. 

 

My AP told his wife friends and family knowing it would not end well for him. He believed it was only right people knew what had happened and needed to take responsibility for his actions and the hurt he caused. He didn’t even expect forgiveness or his wife to take him back or accept him. He said that she had second guessed herself for so long and she deserved to put all the pieces of the past together to make sense of anything and move forward. Particularly as they have a child together, he needed to rebuild trust again so they could parent properly and rely on one another. His wife now has a new partner and he is really happy for her and trying to be a better father and person but feels the social ostracism and isolation from his actions. He still maintains he wants to be with me.

He has also told me my fiancé deserves to know but that is up to me to tell him.

I just don’t think I can do that.

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And you will not miraculously find happiness, stable mental health, and love for your partner because you bring a child into this world. You need to get right by yourself, and then you can begin to build a life that brings you joy. 

Yes you are right. Everyone here is right. I have never tried to find happiness on my own.

[stillafool]

On 12/21/2021 at 8:15 PM, Sareenaa122 said:

I am a coward. I am unwell. I need therapy. Though I’m terrified of it as I already suspect I’m really mentally unwell.

[ ] If you really are aware that you are mentally unwell and need therapy why haven't you gotten it in the last 8 years?  Stop leaning on that tired excuse.

Edited December 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

He has also told me my fiancé deserves to know but that is up to me to tell him.

I just don’t think I can do that.

No, you would rather condemn him to a life with a woman who does not love him the way he should be loved - a wife who has lied to him and betrayed him in the worst way a woman could betray a man. 

If he had some the same to you, how would you feel? If he selfishly chose to keep the  truth from you, because it was in his best interest to do so - how would that feel? 

Of course, there are consequences. You can’t engage in two extramarital affairs and expect that there will be no consequences. Even if you don’t tell him, there will be a consequence - you will live with this fear and anxiety for the rest of your life. Are you really prepared to do that?

 

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

On 12/18/2021 at 11:16 PM, Sareenaa122 said:

If I end the relationship I will end up alone. I’m too scared.

More than likely your lies will be found out sooner or later and you will end up alone anyway.

Edited December 24, 2021 by stillafool

[Sareenaa122]

18 hours ago, stillafool said:

More than likely your lies will be found out sooner or later and you will end up alone anyway.

Do you think my AP would tell him or expose it? He seemed upset to have changed his life and his families for me and now I’m too scared to be with him.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

Do you think my AP would tell him or expose it? He seemed upset to have changed his life and his families for me and now I’m too scared to be with him.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

These kind of secrets tend to come out - it’s difficult to keep this kind of betrayal hidden. Particularly when you have people in common.

[Amethyst68]

6 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

Do you think my AP would tell him or expose it? He seemed upset to have changed his life and his families for me and now I’m too scared to be with him.

I think a higher possibility is your AP"s BW existing everything to your partner. Especially if she's also on the internet looking for help to get through the situation.