Long affair now getting married

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

Do you think my AP would tell him or expose it? He seemed upset to have changed his life and his families for me and now I’m too scared to be with him.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

These kind of secrets tend to come out - it’s difficult to keep this kind of betrayal hidden. Particularly when you have people in common.

[Amethyst68]

6 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

Do you think my AP would tell him or expose it? He seemed upset to have changed his life and his families for me and now I’m too scared to be with him.

I think a higher possibility is your AP"s BW existing everything to your partner. Especially if she's also on the internet looking for help to get through the situation. 

[Sareenaa122]

8 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

I think a higher possibility is your AP"s BW existing everything to your partner. Especially if she's also on the internet looking for help to get through the situation. 

She has re-partnered and they are amicable for now since he was open about what had happened. Though she does not think much of me and has discussed it with his family. And her friends want to know who I am. The connection to my fiancé is a few degrees of separation.

My AP tried really hard to make it work. And I was just too scared to commit to it after 5 years even when he is now available (which he has been for almost 2 years now). He has stopped messaging now. I told him I was thinking about him and he told me I know where I’m he is but I haven’t written back.

I need children. My mother is dying. I’m sad all the time. My fiancé is good enough. I don’t want to hurt him or anyone, and I’m clearly not changing out of fear.

 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Sareenaa122 said:

I need children. My mother is dying.

Why do you need children?  Are you thinking they will be your mother after she dies?  Please stop being so selfish.

I don't know if the truth will be revealed by your affair partner, the wife or somethiing else but trust me it will come to light and you will be found out.  It's guaranteed so you are pretty much sitting on a time bomb.  Don't bring a baby into your mess.

[Pumpernickel]

You’ve made up your mind, @Sareenaa122, so you’ve got to lie in the bed you’ve made for yourself. I personally think you’re making a big mistake. You are choosing the easy path by not making the necessary changes. You will never be happy. I see a future for you that’ll always be tarnished by your past, as well as by your present thoughts of “what ifs”. It’s no way to live a happy life. Not even a content life. You shouldn’t bring a child into your unhappy world, either. But I’m sure you know that. You’ll do it anyway, because - again - it’s the path of least resistance. You’ll coast along in a life that you don’t feel is your own, your future H will be fine/happy for a while, but make no mistake. He’ll figure it out. Not necessarily the cheating. But he’ll definitely figure out that you’re only half there. You’ll likely develop anxiety & depression, if you don’t have already done so, as this is what happens to ppl who live unauthentically. In a marriage they are not convinced they wanted. 
 

And I look at your AP who has had the guts and confidence to own up and act. Admirable, isn’t it? Aren’t you jealous/envious of the life he’s created for himself? And his exW? After working through the shock of finding out he cheated, dealing with a D, a kid involved (can’t be easy, right?) - and they all came out fine on the other side, kid included, being their authentic selves, while you’re there, doing what you’ve been doing, doubting, questioning, afraid of change - you’ll never be where they are. And while your AP still THINKS you’re the one, he’ll soon figure out that you’re not, and he’ll move on to somebody new, creating a new life with a new partner. Authentic. Healthy. Unlike you, he will not live a lie. 
You, OTOH, will go down, you’ll end up even unhappier than ever, and you’ll drag everybody down with you, H and potential offspring. And for what? I strongly encourage you to NOT get pregnant. End it now. Move on. Let your fiancé move on. Don’t be a coward. You’ll be miserable if you do. Mark my words.

If you don’t act, your best case scenario will be that your fiancé makes the decision FOR you. Either because he finds out about your cheating or just because he doesn’t what you anymore……you never know. He probably won’t, so buckle up for a world of regrets.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Saree a, I had written a reply to your thread a while ago but it was removed by the Mods and I was given a warning to be more circumspect in my reply to you. Well I guess I was a bit harsh in what I wrote to you but I honestly thought that you needed a wakeup call to help you get out of the the depressed state that you seem to be in. This is because your decision to marry your fiance will, in my opinion,  be a disaster for both you and your partner. 

I do not want to say much but I will say that you must get in touch with an Individual counsellor who has the necessary psychological training and sufficient experience in handling cases like yours, to be able to help you regain your self esteem and self confidence. Remember that happiness, which is something that you seem to be seeking, is something that only can provide yourself. If you think that someone else is responsible for making you happy then you will never find it. Happiness is something that comes from within you. For that you have to develop self esteem and self confidence. You have to have a good feeling about yourself and that will require a change of attitude on your part. 

The other point I wanted to make is that from all you have written, it seems to me that your fiance is not really a strong man. In seventeen years he has not been able to discern that you have been unhappy in your relationship and have had two affairs, one of which was a long drawn out one, right under his nose. To me this reeks of someone who is weak and is not someone you can rely on to be a pillar of support to you in the years to come. Together you two would be unable to face the hardships that life would inevitably throw at you. Also, you have a desire to have children but do you have the wherewithal to provide them good parentage so that they turn out to be good citizens and good parents in their own right. Think about it seriously. Warm regards.

[S2B]

Since your fiancé hasn’t ever noticed you have been unfaithful long term - he’s not in tune with you enough to consider marriage with him.

maybe he just doesn’t care enough? 
 

you like the idea of marriage and kids but you have a lot of improvements for yourself before you consider even dating anyone soon.

just end it with your fiancé - he deserves better and you have loads to work on all on your own (without the crutch of any man).

 

[AmiAi]

Be honest and give the man at least a single chance to make a decision for himself. You have cheated on him with multiple men.

Imagine him finding out the truth after getting married to you and having kids. The odds of you being divorced at that point is almost certain. Ask any single mom about the dating scene is for them and see how unbelievably hard it is for them. Dont put yourself in that situation.

Do the right thing by telling him the truth.

[vla1120]

On 12/21/2021 at 4:15 AM, Sareenaa122 said:

I am a coward. I am unwell. I need therapy. Though I’m terrified of it as I already suspect I’m really mentally unwell. My partner seems happy with me. I’m too afraid to tell him about my past or talk to him. My mother is still alive though terribly frail and close to death. I am going to bury all my problems and focus on getting through this with him and trying to be happy.

Please do not do this. You are right. You need therapy. You seem to be rushing into this marriage and having children with your fiance because of your mother's health. You don't even love your fiance. This is a recipe for disaster.

The loss of your mother alone is a good reason for therapy. The rest of it is a hot mess and you should step back from each relationship and be by yourself for awhile while you seek therapy to sort out your own issues. Otherwise, you will marry the wrong man, bring children into a relationship that is doomed to fail and you will not find happiness. 

Please. Break off your relationships with everyone and seek therapy.