Not Sure Where to Turn

[solsticemaiden21]

I’ve been married for about ten years. We were both older (over 50) when we met and married. I’d been married before, and have an adult daughter and three grand children. It feels a little weird coming in here to write about us, since it seems there are a lot of younger people posting, but here goes.

 

My husband is addicted to his computer. In many ways, he makes a fine housemate. He helps with the housework and does the shopping since I can’t drive anymore, due to health issues. But the passion has been slowly dying as I at first tried to deal with his addiction, and perhaps I did all the wrong things. First and foremost, if the addicted person doesn’t feel that their addiction is a problem, then it is wasted time and effort to try and get them to see this. I am retired, and not in the best of health. My husband works full time. While I understand his need for down time when he gets off work, it seems that he needs too much, which makes me feel that I am someone to be avoided. Maybe men can weigh in here?

 

I am willing to hear input, especially if there is something that I can’t see that I am being unreasonable about; that is what he says, that I am being unreasonable. I have given up on sex, because he seems to never want it. Maybe once a month. Now I am giving up on having fun with the person that I married so that we could grow old together. He is perfectly content to spend entire days on his own, visiting FB and playing video games. He even bought a joy stick. He works all week, and comes home to supper. We watch a little television then he spends what’s left of the evening on his computer. On weekends he rises, fixes coffee and goes straight into his den with the computer. With the exception of watching shows, we don’t do things together.

 

I tried to explain that I would like to be invited to do things, but he interprets that as me putting it all on him, when I mean that I find it flattering to think that he wants to spend time with me. He thinks I don’t want him to have down time but it seems that all we do is watch the television or go to doctor appointments. The last two times that we traveled was due to a death in the family when we drove to Ohio to attend the service. I asked if we could drive that distance for sad things, why couldn’t we travels someplace just for fun? He said we can’t afford it. So I say what can we afford? And back and forth with him defending himself instead of seeing that I want more of him than he is willing to give. I am about ready to give up, let a silent divorce happen and never speak of it again.

[glows]

Do you join sports, hobby groups, associations, volunteer? 

Have your own life outside of the marriage. Make plans after dinner and go for dessert with your friends. You’re around all the time. 

This isn’t entirely your fault and I don’t believe in placing blame. Take the opportunity however to lead an active life, stay motivated and never ever look to your partner to help keep that going. Light that fire in yourself and go out and live the life you want to live. If he wants to join you he’ll take an interest. 

OR, you will naturally diverge in your paths as you become more and more passionate about your interests. You might leave him behind. 

Go on and live.

[solsticemaiden21]

You are so right, glows. I have been looking into local meet ups for people with similar interests. I will have to let go of any expectations here, for sure.

[basil67]

Solsticemaiden21, if he continues as is, do you want to stay married?   Serious question.  

[jdesey]

I am 55 and this sounds exactly like the situation that I had with my fiancé. We were together from when I was 48 until 51. I lost interest in sex and doing things as a couple as well and was totally addicted to my cell phone, tablet and computer. My energy level was horribly low.

turns out that my Testosterone  level was basically about that of an 88 year old. It was very very low and I needed treatment. I have been on injections now for two years and feel much better. God I wish I would’ve known this while I was together with that wonderful woman. She also wanted in sacks and together time and all kinds of things that you mention and I just couldn’t do it.

 

God how I wish I would’ve known this while I was together with that wonderful woman. She also wanted sex and together time and all kinds of things that you mention and I just couldn’t do it.

I would seriously try to convince him to go get tested. At his age it would be very typical to have a low T level. Symptoms are low energy, less interesting things that you used to enjoy, weight gain, low sex drive and so forth 

[glows]

5 hours ago, solsticemaiden21 said:

You are so right, glows. I have been looking into local meet ups for people with similar interests. I will have to let go of any expectations here, for sure.

Local meet ups are great. It’s usually a mixed group of different individuals and that variety is refreshing. Some may not work out, other groups may be more of your cup of tea so there’s some trial and error. What’s rewarding to me is meeting others with the same interests (specific interest groups or associations), with lots to talk about and exchange ideas/suggestions and also further a passion in something. 

I’m not sure what you mean by that last line about expectations. Is that about your marriage? I think you could expect more. However that shouldn’t stop you from finding your joy and happiness. It’s your life, your journey. If your partner isn’t taking an interest don’t put your entire life on hold. 

You also mentioned some talk of not being able to afford a trip (his words). Is that true? It’s not too farfetched to wonder whether he has emotionally checked out and is frustrated being the sole source of income. If you’re able to work part time you’d have your own source of income for your hobbies and interests. If this is an issue is some compromise possible?

 

Edited December 19, 2021 by glows

[solsticemaiden21]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Solsticemaiden21, if he continues as is, do you want to stay married?   Serious question.  

This question is one that I ask myself a lot, lately. I don't want to "throw the baby out with the bath water," but I also don't want to feel bitter and frustrated all of the time, either. It is not something that I can answer right now, as I am weighing and thinking about this, a lot.

[solsticemaiden21]

10 hours ago, glows said:

Local meet ups are great. It’s usually a mixed group of different individuals and that variety is refreshing. Some may not work out, other groups may be more of your cup of tea so there’s some trial and error. What’s rewarding to me is meeting others with the same interests (specific interest groups or associations), with lots to talk about and exchange ideas/suggestions and also further a passion in something. 

I’m not sure what you mean by that last line about expectations. Is that about your marriage? I think you could expect more. However that shouldn’t stop you from finding your joy and happiness. It’s your life, your journey. If your partner isn’t taking an interest don’t put your entire life on hold. 

You also mentioned some talk of not being able to afford a trip (his words). Is that true? It’s not too farfetched to wonder whether he has emotionally checked out and is frustrated being the sole source of income. If you’re able to work part time you’d have your own source of income for your hobbies and interests. If this is an issue is some compromise possible?

 

One thing I was looking for by posting here, is to get an outside perspective on how I am perceiving this situation, and how he is perceiving it. For example, I feel that we are not spending enough quality time together. I suspect that he doesn't understand what quality time means. He said that we spend time together, preparing meals, and watching television. While that is true, I don't see that as quality time. One year, about four years ago, we went to visit his in-laws in Maine. We went on a touring boat, tried a canoe ride, etc. That was quality time. I feel that he believes that being in each other's company should be enough, and I feel that going to health appointments and doing household chores is not having fun in each other's company. About a month ago, he invited me to a play. I was overjoyed; this was something that we could do together that was fun.  

What I meant about expectations, is that we have been on this merry go round about low libido and low interest in doing things, for nearly the entire marriage. So I meant that I must not expect things to change, because it feels like I am in some kind of limbo. As for trips, our finances are in a mess. I keep trying to get him to sit down and work out a budget with me. He keeps using credit, even though he makes fairly decent money. I receive income from my retirement, so I do contribute. If we could get on a decent budget, we could save for fun things. I pointed out that we made two trips to his family in Ohio, over the past few years, when there were funerals to attend. We couldn't afford those trips either but we made them. He pointed out that when we went to Maine, we stayed at our in-laws and didn't have to pay for meals and lodging. Back and forth it goes.