Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 Me and my AF work at the same place. We talked a lot during work and eventually i fell for him.but since i knew he was married i kept my feelings to myself. Then i got to know that his marriage has some problems.. one day he asked if i love him and then on another day he said he loves me... but we agreed not to do anything about it because he is married. He told me that divorce is impossible for him because of his family's values. And because of his child. we are Asians and around here there is a lot of pressure from parents and society to stay married no matter what problems you face. We grew close through chats and he still said he can"t marry me. Those days i was suffering a lot thinking "am i good enough only for a chat?" So We tried to stop our feelings for each other for about a year and had no contact. But after a year we knew we were still in love with each other and started chatting again. From the begining to now , for 5 years we have not kissed we have not gone on a date we have not hugged etc... i guess its a long emotional affair. We both want to kiss hug etc but feel its wrong ....i know having an emotional affair is wrong too... but we cant be apart..... I never thought i'll fall in love with a married man... but it happened... i guess you cant teach your feelings that this man is single it's okay to fall in love with him this man is married don't fall for him. You can't decide and you don't know when and with whom you'll fall in love.... 1) After 5 years he said he wants to marry me. he talked to his wife about divorce..(i have proof) but she says she can't divorce. She says her parents are against divorce and she can't face her parents and society if they get a divorce. So the only reason she wants the marriage is for show. Not because she loves him.. He says she said she will Kill herself if he files for divorce (i don't have proof of her saying that) So... how can he get her to agree for a divorce? Being the other woman hurts so much.... but i know if i stop and try to be without him that will hurt more.. i can't let go and i can't be with him... i cry every night... it hurts so much when i see other couples holding hands... going on dates for lunch,dinner,movies etc... i wish i could be with him like that .... During these years i have received many suitable proposals for marriage, but my heart is with him i can't love him and agree to marry someone else.... I know in many cases a man will lie and say he cant get a divorce because he just wants the OW for sex... but here he does not want sex. I know he genuinely loves me. 2) He has a 6 years old. He worries that he won't be able to give love to his kid if he divorces. Even if the parents are divorced the dad can still be a good, loving parent right..? How do i make him understand that? I feel he is torn between his parents, kid and me. I just want him to love me enough to say "i love you and i ll marry you no matter what" I know he loves me. But Sometimes i feel if he wanted he would have divorced her and married me. he is with her because he doesnt care that im sad without him.and that makes me think if he doesnt care does he love me.... are my feelings valid...? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 The other party (his wife) doesn’t need to agree to a divorce. One person files. Period. The death threats are excuses to stay with her. How old are you? Are you looking to start your own family? You’ve spent five years waiting. Of course no one else will look appealing or seem attractive when you still have feelings for someone else. As long as you keep telling yourself that “you can’t teach your feelings…” or “you can’t decide” whom you fall in love with you’ll keep cycling in this endless story with a married man. Actually you CAN decide whom you want to be with or care for, and most of all, who you choose to actively pursue and build a life with. You can also actively deconstruct that and take it apart (divorce or break up). First decide what you want and what’s most important to you. Give yourself a chance to pursue what matters to you most and think carefully about spending your time waiting much longer. Life goes by in the blink of an eye and you’re too busy wishing you were living someone else’s life. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 It is not your place to convince him to divorce, or plot to get his wife on board. It is also very much not your place to convince him to break apart his family and that his child will be fine. You are meddling and you need to stay in your lane. You are in no position to determine what sort of father he should be, nor under which circumstances. Because you can't see it, I will lay it out: he is giving you excuses to get you to stop asking him to leave his wife. It's not going to happen, OP. I am sure he has feelings for you on some level but it's not the same as what you feel for him. He isn't putting his whole life on hold for you (or about to change his whole life for you), and here you are, 5 years later, with nothing to show for it. It's been going on far too long, and you are wasting your time. This isn't the man you are going to spend your life with. 5 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 Truth is he won't divorce because he truly doesn't want to. He has a child and a responsibility to his family and society to remain married. You do not have a chance of changing anything in his life. Instead, you need to change yourself. Pining after a man who isn't interested in wanting what you want is a complete waste of your time and life. Get a grip, get real... Start today. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 2 hours ago, glows said: The other party (his wife) doesn’t need to agree to a divorce. One person files. Period. The death threats are excuses to stay with her. How old are you? Are you looking to start your own family? You’ve spent five years waiting. Of course no one else will look appealing or seem attractive when you still have feelings for someone else. As long as you keep telling yourself that “you can’t teach your feelings…” or “you can’t decide” whom you fall in love with you’ll keep cycling in this endless story with a married man. Actually you CAN decide whom you want to be with or care for, and most of all, who you choose to actively pursue and build a life with. You can also actively deconstruct that and take it apart (divorce or break up). First decide what you want and what’s most important to you. Give yourself a chance to pursue what matters to you most and think carefully about spending your time waiting much longer. Life goes by in the blink of an eye and you’re too busy wishing you were living someone else’s life. I am 36 years old. I am not looking to start a family. But i do want a marriage life with him... I do feel what i want and what is most important for me is a life with him...im sorry i dont know how to stop feeling that way Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 3 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: Me and my AF work at the same place. We talked a lot during work and eventually i fell for him.but since i knew he was married i kept my feelings to myself. Then i got to know that his marriage has some problems.. one day he asked if i love him and then on another day he said he loves me... but we agreed not to do anything about it because he is married. He told me that divorce is impossible for him because of his family's values. And because of his child. we are Asians and around here there is a lot of pressure from parents and society to stay married no matter what problems you face. We grew close through chats and he still said he can"t marry me. Those days i was suffering a lot thinking "am i good enough only for a chat?" So We tried to stop our feelings for each other for about a year and had no contact. But after a year we knew we were still in love with each other and started chatting again. From the begining to now , for 5 years we have not kissed we have not gone on a date we have not hugged etc... i guess its a long emotional affair. We both want to kiss hug etc but feel its wrong ....i know having an emotional affair is wrong too... but we cant be apart..... I never thought i'll fall in love with a married man... but it happened... i guess you cant teach your feelings that this man is single it's okay to fall in love with him this man is married don't fall for him. You can't decide and you don't know when and with whom you'll fall in love.... 1) After 5 years he said he wants to marry me. he talked to his wife about divorce..(i have proof) but she says she can't divorce. She says her parents are against divorce and she can't face her parents and society if they get a divorce. So the only reason she wants the marriage is for show. Not because she loves him.. He says she said she will Kill herself if he files for divorce (i don't have proof of her saying that) So... how can he get her to agree for a divorce? Being the other woman hurts so much.... but i know if i stop and try to be without him that will hurt more.. i can't let go and i can't be with him... i cry every night... it hurts so much when i see other couples holding hands... going on dates for lunch,dinner,movies etc... i wish i could be with him like that .... During these years i have received many suitable proposals for marriage, but my heart is with him i can't love him and agree to marry someone else.... I know in many cases a man will lie and say he cant get a divorce because he just wants the OW for sex... but here he does not want sex. I know he genuinely loves me. 2) He has a 6 years old. He worries that he won't be able to give love to his kid if he divorces. Even if the parents are divorced the dad can still be a good, loving parent right..? How do i make him understand that? I feel he is torn between his parents, kid and me. I just want him to love me enough to say "i love you and i ll marry you no matter what" I know he loves me. But Sometimes i feel if he wanted he would have divorced her and married me. he is with her because he doesnt care that im sad without him.and that makes me think if he doesnt care does he love me.... are my feelings valid...? Red flags all over this. A divorce is a divorce. First he told you that because of his values he can't file for divorce, so with that said you are wasting your time because he will not leave. Second just because the wife won't consent to one does not mean he can't file ( bigggest red flag). If the man wants out the man would leave. He is not going anywhere. Go read my thread. They don't leave. You will end up so hurt and eventually dumped like a hot rock. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 1 minute ago, Hgm1920 said: I am 36 years old. I am not looking to start a family. But i do want a marriage life with him... I do feel what i want and what is most important for me is a life with him...im sorry i dont know how to stop feeling that way No! You can't have a married life with him because you see he is already married..Blinders off please! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: It is Because you can't see it, I will lay it out: he is giving you excuses to get you to stop asking him to leave his wife. It's not going to happen, OP. I am sure he has feelings for you on some level but it's not the same as what you feel for him. He isn't putting his whole life on hold for you (or about to change his whole life for you), and here you are, 5 years later, with nothing to show for it. It's been going on far too long, and you are wasting your time. This isn't the man you are going to spend your life with. These are the exact feelings that made me write in this forum.... feeling that ☆ he has feelings for me, But he does not love me as much as i love him.....☆ I would marry him in a heartbeat.i would marry him today... but if he loves me as much as i love him why isnt he making the choice that will make me happy and stop making me cry at nights.... I have been silent for 5 years.nobody knows this story... these feelings have been eating me from inside.. Im glad i found this forum to share... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 1 minute ago, Hgm1920 said: . but if he loves me as much as i love him Sorry but it is obvious that he doesn't. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Truth is he won't divorce because he truly doesn't want to. He has a child and a responsibility to his family and society to remain married. You do not have a chance of changing anything in his life. Instead, you need to change yourself. Pining after a man who isn't interested in wanting what you want is a complete waste of your time and life. Get a grip, get real... Start today. I have been feeling this a lot lately... that he isnt divorcing because he truely doesnt want to divorce...... it is breaking my heart that im ready to choose him over anyone else and he isnt..... Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 4 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: I have been feeling this a lot lately... that he isnt divorcing because he truely doesnt want to divorce...... it is breaking my heart that im ready to choose him over anyone else and he isnt..... The heartbreak will get even worse the more you drag this out! Do you want that? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 20 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: but if he loves me as much as i love him He doesn't, though. You need to wake up to the reality of all of this, OP. This man is not going to marry you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 42 minutes ago, Myabee said: The heartbreak will get even worse the more you drag this out! Do you want that? No... i feel like im in a very bad place already... but from previous experience i am afraid to end it because then i ll be more sad and miserable without him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 He is not afraid to lose me i think.. there have been incidents where he has told me "this is my way.if you dont like it you leave me" Most recently, he told me that there is a group chat of his batchmates from school and in the chat males are saying a lot of double meaning things to females and joking around.. i said can i see this chat? He said no. He says he is not saying double meaning things in the chat,he does not need to prove it to me and that is his way of thinking, if i dont like it i can leave.... it is his freedom to chat etc... I think in his mind he does not care if he loses me and that is why he is not getting a divorce? If he had a fear of losing me, if he wanted me, he would not say "this is my way if you dont like it leave" he ll say "ok we have a problem we will sort it out..." That's how i feel.... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 Do you still work in the same place? Is he your supervisor? Is dating allowed in the workplace? It seems you have a crush on him but it's not reciprocated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 37 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: No... i feel like im in a very bad place already... but from previous experience i am afraid to end it because then i ll be more sad and miserable without him... Yes! You will be miserable for a while. You feel a mix of things that will be very uncomfortable. You will cry, be angry, anxious, confused... but guess what??? This too shall pass. I'm a month in now. His wife discovered the affair I was dropped like Rock! Blocked everywhere! He did not care. He saved face with his wife (no kids) I mean't nothing. This left me at ground zero and it hurt. However, life must go on and I do not miss being the OW. Please consider my words as they are truth. xx 2 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 31 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: think in his mind he does not care if he loses me and that is why he is not getting a divorce? Right! He could careless sadly. His investment is in saving his marriage..MM that pull this stuff are full of themselves. We as the OW just serve as an ego boost... nothing more. Then we are thrown in the trash. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 39 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: Most recently, he told me that there is a group chat of his batchmates from school and in the chat males are saying a lot of double meaning things to females and joking around.. Why did he bring that up? To what end? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 (edited) 43 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: He says he is not saying double meaning things in the chat,he does not need to prove it to me and that is his way of thinking, if i dont like it i can leave.... it is his freedom to chat etc... He's right, OP. It's none of your business, and you have no right to ask to see any of this. The more you write, the clearer it's becoming that your feelings are actually quite one-sided. You're emotionally invested and he isn't. Edited December 19, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 41 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: He is not afraid to lose me i think.. there have been incidents where he has told me "this is my way.if you dont like it you leave me" He is in control. He knows you are besotted with him and so much "in love" that he can treat you as he pleases and you won't leave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 6 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: He told me that divorce is impossible for him because of his family's values. And because of his child. we are Asians and around here there is a lot of pressure from parents and society to stay married no matter what problems you face. He laid it out on the line for you, why are you still hanging around and making up fairy stories in your head? Stop it. You are 36. Time is of the essence. Life is not a rehearsal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 1 hour ago, Myabee said: Yes! You will be miserable for a while. You feel a mix of things that will be very uncomfortable. You will cry, be angry, anxious, confused... but guess what??? This too shall pass. I'm a month in now. His wife discovered the affair I was dropped like Rock! Blocked everywhere! He did not care. He saved face with his wife (no kids) I mean't nothing. This left me at ground zero and it hurt. However, life must go on and I do not miss being the OW. Please consider my words as they are truth. xx Wow...blocked you everywhere and no messages at all ...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Why did he bring that up? To what end? I asked why he was online till 1am Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: He is in control. He knows you are besotted with him and so much "in love" that he can treat you as he pleases and you won't leave. What do i do to change that...? Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 This is not even a physical affair.. while you think of yourself as the OW, he thinks of you as a Pen Pal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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