BaileyB Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 (edited) 52 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: Yes many times we have talked about marriage. Even which hotels to book for honeymoon.. where we will live, how we will travel to work etc Respectfully, those are just words. Has he ever taken you on a date? Has he ever bought you a Christmas present? He has never kissed you - has he ever hugged you? Have you ever walked down the street hand in hand - such that you are a cherished partner? Has he ever taken care of you when you are ill? Has he ever come to your home to help you with some home repairs? Have you ever cooked him a meal as a thank you and cuddled on the sofa while watching a movie? Have you met each other’s families? Have you ever been away together on a trip? These are the things of which intimate relationships are made. You went from “coworkers” to “friends who text all day” to “he says he loves me and wants to marry me and we have talked about where we want to honeymoon…” You have none of the stuff of which a relationship is built or that constitutes a legitimate relationship with another. What you do have - a false sense of intimacy because you have been talking and texting with this man for the past five years. If you really consider what I’m saying - you will understand that you have a fantasy relationship. You have spent the last five years planning a future with a man without actually developing a relationship through the normal process a relationship develops. And I’m so doing, you have forgotten to critically examine two very important considerations - is this man interested and available to have a committed relationship with you (no) and is he a good man, someone who should be trusted because he is honest, kind, and dependable man. Again, he fails that test spectacularly! Edited December 21, 2021 by BaileyB 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 21, 2021 Author Share Posted December 21, 2021 12 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Respectfully, those are just words. Has he ever taken you on a date? Has he ever bought you a Christmas present? He has never kissed you - has he ever hugged you? Have you ever walked down the street hand in hand - such that you are a cherished partner? Has he ever taken care of you when you are ill? Has he ever come to your home to help you with some home repairs? Have you ever cooked him a meal as a thank you and cuddled on the sofa while watching a movie? Have you met each other’s families? Have you ever been away together on a trip? ! No is the answer to everything except presents. He has given me presents. That's it. Nothing else in this list has happened with him. I am now wondering how 5 years has gone by and how i have been okay with getting so little for so many years..... I was thinking -i love him one day he will love me enough to marry me- i guess.... while unknown to me he has been ready to let me go anytime... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 7 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: No is the answer to everything except presents. He has given me presents. That's it. Nothing else in this list has happened with him. Kindly, I have given gifts to my coworkers. That’s not a sign of commitment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 53 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: My heart says he loves me. My mind/ brain says hey if he loves you why isnt he marrying you. Why isnt he caring about your pain. This is the part where I want to scream from the top of my lungs: because he is MARRIED!!! and the loveless marriage might be another BS he fed you. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 4 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: Yes many times we have talked about marriage. Even which hotels to book for honeymoon.. where we will live, how we will travel to work etc With respect - this is silly fantasy-talk, Hgm. The kind of thing teenagers do when they're in a new relationship for the first time and get carried away. You have never so much as been on a date with this man. Never kissed him. Chatting about honeymoon hotels is just fluffy daydreaming, not an actual plan for the future. I am sorry you have hung on to this but it's quite clear he does not have any intention of following through with any of this. It's just words. Next time, please do not put the cart miles ahead of the horse. It's led you to stick around for...absolutely nothing. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 12 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: "When you love someone you want what's best for them and what hurts them hurts you" that is what i have been telling myself and him. He just never discusses it. Saying "i don't know" or "yes i'm sad but i need to be there for my kid" etc Loads of people get divorced. And still are good parents. If his marriage is loveless as he says i don't understand why he needs to be in it just for the kid ...... If it's as loveless as he says, that will impact his "kid" ( there's something very dismissive about him referring to his child as "the kid') You sound like an intelligent lady who is facing a very painful realization-this guy is just a heel. That's no reflection on you, other than that you have a loving trusting heart. It's his loss- I expect that you'd be a very loving spouse to the right guy. He isn't it, and every day you spend with him, every minute you spend thinking about him and going over and over all this in your mind is a minute wasted. A minute you could have spent doing what makes you happy, and with a little luck, while you're dong that you'll be open enough to meeting a guy who shares your interests and wants to be in a relationship with you where there's balance-it's not all about "him, him him" all the time and you chasing after him, trying to make Mr. Jackass happy. I think you deserve better. Don't you? 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: With respect - this is silly fantasy-talk, Hgm. The kind of thing teenagers do when they're in a new relationship for the first time and get carried away. You have never so much as been on a date with this man. Never kissed him. Chatting about honeymoon hotels is just fluffy daydreaming, not an actual plan for the future. I am sorry you have hung on to this but it's quite clear he does not have any intention of following through with any of this. It's just words. Next time, please do not put the cart miles ahead of the horse. It's led you to stick around for...absolutely nothing. A lot of it is fantasy, and real life can never compete.OP, even if this man suddenly decides that you are the one and only woman for him (or his wife finds out he's cheating and turfs his sorry behind,lol) and that he wants to be in a full on relationship with you. What do you think that would be like? based on how he's treated you- and also his wife-both indicate how he treats women who are his relationship partners- how do you think he would treat you? Take it a step further. Let's say you do get married. It's a Friday evening and he's out, says he's with his friends, but he's late getting home. How are you going to feel? How are you going to feel if/when he starts using his phone a lot to text? Are you going to be able to trust him or will you always wonder? What about the new female co-worker or friend who he stats talking about? Spouses of someone who had an afair face these sorts of questions, but they didn't go into their marriage thinking their new husband or wife woudl cheat. They didn't have that information. You do. Why woudl you subject yourself to that sort of life? You don't even know if you're the only women he has outside his marriage. You could be one of several and you wouldn't even know. Again- you deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 I’m half Asian. Yes, it can be a lot of pressure but not when it comes to affairs. The men in my family have razor sharp boundaries as they consider enforcing them to protect family, their immediate responsibility. Anyone who fails to do so as a father and husband is not considered a man. I’m so very thankful that they were strict on us about stuff like this because it help me make better decisions as an adult..even when I have made my mistakes. It’s never okay to want a man you don’t know to leave his wife for you and his family is right to hold him accountable. I really encourage you to start emotionally distancing your self from him. It’s not healthy to be this attached to a man that you really don’t know. Very best of luck to you. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 21, 2021 Author Share Posted December 21, 2021 1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said: . Let's say you do get married. It's a Friday evening and he's out, says he's with his friends, but he's late getting home. How are you going to feel? How are you going to feel if/when he starts using his phone a lot to text? Are you going to be able to trust him or will you always wonder? What about the new female co-worker or friend who he stats talking about? Wow. I havent thought of it in this way before.... Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 On 12/18/2021 at 11:45 PM, Hgm1920 said: i guess you cant teach your feelings that this man is single it's okay to fall in love with him this man is married don't fall for him. You can't decide and you don't know when and with whom you'll fall in love.... On 12/19/2021 at 3:04 AM, Hgm1920 said: but if he loves me as much as i love him why isnt he making the choice that will make me happy and stop making me cry at nights.... Respectfully you need to learn how to take ownership of your own life and your own choices. You sound like someone who goes through life believing that things just happen and that you have no power or choice over those things. We absolutely can control who we fall in love with the choices we make. I have felt attracted to the occasional married man but I have never fallen in love with a married man. This is because I have always treated married men as a no go zone. I don't devote my time to having long conversations with them, sharing my life with them or listening to them share their life with me. I have no doubt in my mind that had I gone down that path I could have easily fallen in love so I chose not to go in that direction. I had/have an ego that demands my partners full attention and devotion. No way in hell am I going to be sitting alone at night pining for a man who is at home with another woman. You ask why isn't he making the choice that will make you happy and stop making you cry at night. The better question to ask is why aren't YOU making choices that will make YOU happy ant stop making yourself cry? You knowingly got yourself involved with a married man and now you are upset that you living the consequences of your own decisions. It would be like me meeting a drug addict, knowing he's a drug addict but deciding to foster a romantic relationship with him anyways and then getting desperately unhappy because he won't stop being a drug addict to make me happy. Clearly I was causing and creating my own problems when I decided to get close to a drug addict even though I'm against hard drugs. This is your life and it's your job to make yourself happy. If you see your happiness in being married to a man you love then stop wasting your time with a married man who can't give you that. You have all the power in your life so stop pretending like you can't possibly do anything but live by someone else's choices. You worry that it will hurt more to walk away than to stay in this misery. It will hurt more but only in the short term. It's like giving up anything that we enjoy but that we know will be very bad for us in the long run. It hurts in the beginning but it gets easier in time. Everything you want your married man already has. You have spent the last 5yrs not even being kissed just so you can wait on a married man who is living an entire life without you. That is by your choice, you are choosing to waste your life on this nonsense. Why are you doing that? 2 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 Bravo Anita99! I couldn't have said it better myself. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 Yup! If she is unhappy it’s because she chose this for herself. It’s time to make a different choice. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 2 hours ago, anika99 said: . I have felt attracted to the occasional married man but I have never fallen in love with a married man. This is because I have always treated married men as a no go zone. I don't devote my time to having long conversations with them, sharing my life with them or listening to them share their life with me. I have no doubt in my mind that had I gone down that path I could have easily fallen in love so I chose not to go in that direction. I had/have an ego that demands my partners full attention and devotion. No way in hell am I going to be sitting alone at night pining for a man who is at home with another woman. ^^^ this is why so many women never go down the path of getting involved with a married man. They identify the no go zone early doors and avoid it, so are never caught up in a fantasy of lust and love... Just about every woman unless she is a recluse (and even then...), will find that a MM will try to pursue her, it is not a "special" attraction, it is common. Batting them off early doors, becomes second nature to most... Just a pity you didn't bat this guy off 5 years ago... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 5 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: Wow. I havent thought of it in this way before.... And yet, you're already doing it. You questioned why he was online until late, and wanted to see his private chats. You already (rightfully) know that you absolutely cannot trust this man, and that there is every chance that you are not the only woman keeping him company online. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 26, 2021 Author Share Posted December 26, 2021 I know you all will scold me for this... but i can't just let go.... i love him... i have been thinking for days and we have decided to go on a date...... i hope he will see that he loves me and needs me after the date? I wish he would just say "i love you, i cant be without you, i would move mountains to have you in my life" i know.... just a dream..... guess im setting myself up for more heartbreak... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 26, 2021 Share Posted December 26, 2021 (edited) @Hgm1920 a scolding from us would be a waste of our time. You are the one who's responsible for your choices and actions and you are answerable only to yourself. Edited December 26, 2021 by basil67 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 26, 2021 Share Posted December 26, 2021 6 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: guess im setting myself up for more heartbreak... Yes. But you're choosing it, so do brace yourself for the inevitable pain that will come from hanging out in Fantasy Land too long. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted December 26, 2021 Share Posted December 26, 2021 You're correct -- you have consciously chosen a path that will bring you deep heartache. You know exactly what you're doing, so there's nothing we can say that will change your mind or fix this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 26, 2021 Share Posted December 26, 2021 7 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: I know you all will scold me for this... but i can't just let go.... i love him... i have been thinking for days and we have decided to go on a date...... i hope he will see that he loves me and needs me after the date? I wish he would just say "i love you, i cant be without you, i would move mountains to have you in my life" i know.... just a dream..... guess im setting myself up for more heartbreak... It’s coming from a place of longing because you haven’t felt that from him. Why not book an appointment with a qualified therapist specializing in affairs and coping instead? When recognizing suffering in ourselves is it not in our best interests to alter the situation or mitigate that suffering after seeing that current avenues have not worked? Try something else. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 26, 2021 Author Share Posted December 26, 2021 5 minutes ago, glows said: It’s coming from a place of longing because you haven’t felt that from him. Why not book an appointment with a qualified therapist specializing in affairs and coping instead? When recognizing suffering in ourselves is it not in our best interests to alter the situation or mitigate that suffering after seeing that current avenues have not worked? Try something else. I thought about going to a therapist too... Because it seems this guy is okay with me being in pain and i shall teach myself that a guy who is okay with you being in pain does not love you. But i do feel his love in a 100 other ways. It is confusing me so much... So i searched for therapists and it seems here there is no one at all except for the family counsellors.... i need someone who can understand my situation. Not someone who will just say "don't break a family, find another man" i called one counselling centre and that is the answer i got.... Im so hooked up in the belief that " if he loves me he will make this pain go away" i sometimes think "if you love yourself why don't you make the pain go away" Then again i think "yes i love myself. But breaking up would hurt more..he is the one who can say let's get married and make me happy" Thinking all day and crying is not doing any good to me. It amazes me how at times he says he wants to marry and talks about divorce and at other times says " you argue you suspect so i don't want to marry you" I don't argue like he says. He is expecting me to be this perfect little doll. he says she (the wife) creates problems and i should not. Anyway even if i argue or suspect ( well if you are having a chat which you needs to hide from your gf/bf the other one will think what is going on) i thought love is supposed to be wanting a person knowing their flaws... I know his flaws and i'm not rejecting him am i. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 26, 2021 Share Posted December 26, 2021 13 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: I thought about going to a therapist too... Because it seems this guy is okay with me being in pain and i shall teach myself that a guy who is okay with you being in pain does not love you. But i do feel his love in a 100 other ways. It is confusing me so much... So i searched for therapists and it seems here there is no one at all except for the family counsellors.... i need someone who can understand my situation. Not someone who will just say "don't break a family, find another man" i called one counselling centre and that is the answer i got.... Im so hooked up in the belief that " if he loves me he will make this pain go away" i sometimes think "if you love yourself why don't you make the pain go away" Then again i think "yes i love myself. But breaking up would hurt more..he is the one who can say let's get married and make me happy" Thinking all day and crying is not doing any good to me. It amazes me how at times he says he wants to marry and talks about divorce and at other times says " you argue you suspect so i don't want to marry you" I don't argue like he says. He is expecting me to be this perfect little doll. he says she (the wife) creates problems and i should not. Anyway even if i argue or suspect ( well if you are having a chat which you needs to hide from your gf/bf the other one will think what is going on) i thought love is supposed to be wanting a person knowing their flaws... I know his flaws and i'm not rejecting him am i. He is someone you admire and respect but it doesn’t seem to be reciprocated. He criticizes you on a bad day, promises you things on a good day. You’re there for his pleasure and convenience but he doesn’t seem to respect you or your thoughts. It’s one thing to step out in an affair adoring and respecting someone and another to openly show and say he doesn’t agree with you nor does he like your way of thinking. These are differences in opinion and lack of compatibility even if you were both single. You’re quite used to thinking of him as the solution to your sadness you’ve truly conditioned yourself to believe he is your solution to happiness in life. That’s why I suggested therapy to undo that line of thinking and recondition the concept of happiness or ways to achieve that. I can’t see any joy without peace of mind. If you’re constantly questioning his loyalty and integrity this is living without peace of mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 26, 2021 Share Posted December 26, 2021 25 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: I know his flaws and i'm not rejecting him am i. And this right here is a big part of your problem - your standards are nonexistent. His flaws are (and should be) drop-dead dealbreakers. You are not being noble by not rejecting him for these flaws; you're being his doormat. This isn't love, Hgm. It's desperation. There is a significant difference and you don't seem to be able to tell the difference. 28 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: well if you are having a chat which you needs to hide from your gf/bf the other one will think what is going on And this...you are not his girlfriend. Did you believe you were? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 26, 2021 Share Posted December 26, 2021 (edited) I’m just offering you a hug today. You must be in a very lonely place if you have pinned your hope for happiness on this man. I hope you have a friend you can turn to, or a family member, or you are able to find a counsellor. This man isn’t the answer to your problems. I would say that he is your problem, but in truth your problem is your current thinking. He will become your problem if you keep him around. You will discover that soon and it will be hard. Just wishing you strength and sending compassion. Edited December 26, 2021 by BaileyB 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted December 26, 2021 Share Posted December 26, 2021 I think the guy told you a few days ago you are one big red flag….. is that one of the 100 ways he loves you? I would cut this guy out of my live out of respect for myself after these words. I am sure Most of the women here would have done the same. But… glad I got a lot of popcorn for Christmas, gotta see the predictable ending of the predicatable soap opera. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 26, 2021 Share Posted December 26, 2021 1 hour ago, Hgm1920 said: I know his flaws and i'm not rejecting him am i. You should be rejecting him though, and the fact that you are not is a problem for you. You should be rejecting him because he is not available to have a relationship with you. You should also be rejecting him because (among other things) he lied to you and he is not kind to you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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