Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 11 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He laid it out on the line for you, why are you still hanging around and making up fairy stories in your head? Stop it. You are 36. Time is of the essence. Life is not a rehearsal. That was before...Then he said he does want to divorce her and marry me.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 1 minute ago, HowToQuit said: This is not even a physical affair.. while you think of yourself as the OW, he thinks of you as a Pen Pal. I am quite surprised at my self that it has already been 5 years and i still love him and am still waiting without even a kiss! I dont know where time went.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 Am i being stupid? Does he not value me at all.....am i just good enough for a chat.... these are the thoughts that i have been having lately.... i know the culture is different than the western countries and divorce is hard here. But i feel if he loved me enough he will want me in his life and will do everything to have me in his life Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 21 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: Wow...blocked you everywhere and no messages at all ...? I was thrown in the trash! He even gave me a line of bs on d'day that he loved me and needed space and time to sort things out and will reach out!🤢 Not cool and all a big fat lie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 8 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: Am i being stupid? Does he not value me at all.....am i just good enough for a chat.... these are the thoughts that i have been having lately.... i know the culture is different than the western countries and divorce is hard here. But i feel if he loved me enough he will want me in his life and will do everything to have me in his life I'm not going to call you stupid as that would not be nice. I am going to say right now your brain is in affair fog mode. If this man loved you enough he would file for a divorce and be with you. He is not doing that... so no he does not value you he is a selfish person and you are a toy in his toy box. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 1 hour ago, Myabee said: I was thrown in the trash! He even gave me a line of bs on d'day that he loved me and needed space and time to sort things out and will reach out!🤢 Not cool and all a big fat lie. I am so sorry... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 5 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: I am 36 years old. I am not looking to start a family. But i do want a marriage life with him... That is not an option here. Your choices are - continue as you have been or end this and find a man who is single and able to marry. This man is otherwise committed. I realize that you have decided that THIS is the man that you want, but he is NOT yours to have. 2 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: Then he said he does want to divorce her and marry me.... Well, if he said it, then it must be true. Not. Kindly, this bird is filled with women who believed men when they said they wanted to file for divorce and live happily ever after with their affair partners - if not for the child, my wife’s mental health problems, the fact that she has threatened suicide if I leave, our cultural beliefs, my family won’t allow it, my finances will suffer, it’s the holidays coming up, I just need to finish this home repair project, etc… If he wanted to leave, there is nothing stopping him. After all this time, he’s not going to leave. I’m sorry. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 2 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: Does he not value me at all..... The better question is - do you value yourself? How long are you prepared to languish in the shadows waiting for this man who chooses another woman over you every single day… 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 8 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: Then i got to know that his marriage has some problems.. one day he asked if i love him and then on another day he said he loves me... but we agreed not to do anything about it because he is married. No offence, but this sounds about as realistic as a Disney movie. He told you his marriage has problems and that means what exactly? You assumed that it mean he was going to file for divorce and chose to be with you - you assumed incorrectly, obviously. 4 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: i am afraid to end it because then i ll be more sad and miserable without him... Your heart will heal. Sadly, you will never get these years of your life back - your opportunity to meet a man, hav an actual relationship, have a child and a family. You have given that up and for what - a married man who has strung you along for years without even offering you a kiss. Why are you waiting for this man - there is no man so special that you should give up the best years of your youth in this way! That just breaks my heart… 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 1 hour ago, Myabee said: If this man loved you enough he would file for a divorce and be with you. He is not doing that... so no he does not value you he is a selfish person and you are a toy in his toy box. This is what i have been feeling . But then again, i feel the things he is saying must be true and he really wants to be with me but cant because of his family and kid... i go on between these two feelings... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 12 minutes ago, BaileyB said: women who believed men when they said they wanted to file for divorce and live happily ever after with their affair partners - if not for the child, my wife’s mental health problems, the fact that she has threatened suicide if I leave, our cultural beliefs, my family won’t allow it, my finances will suffer, it’s the holidays coming up, I just need to finish this home repair project, etc… If he wanted to leave, there is nothing stopping him. After all this time, he’s not going to leave. I’m sorry. Thank you.... this is what i want to hear i guess... i already know deep down in my mind that if he wanted to leave there is nothing stopping him.. but i am afraid to make myself believe that.. so i am clinging to hope... i think its time to accept that he does not love me as much as i love him.. it is a scary thought... because i have been dreaming of a life with him for so long.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 14 minutes ago, BaileyB said: The better question is - do you value yourself? How long are you prepared to languish in the shadows waiting for this man who chooses another woman over you every single day… Yes... i value myself... i read that ladies who are happy as the OW have low self esteem issues.... i am not happy as the OW.. i just hope that he will value me too... I think i have waited long enough and now its time for him to decide..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 9 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Your heart will heal. Sadly, you will never get these years of your life back - your opportunity to meet a man, hav an actual relationship, have a child and a family. You have given that up and for what - a married man who has strung you along for years without even offering you a kiss. Why are you waiting for this man - there is no man so special that you should give up the best years of your youth in this way! That just breaks my heart… I think im waiting for him because i really love him and i cant think of getting involved with anyone else while im in love with him..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 People reading this thread feel it breaks their heart to see me waiting like this... he too has told me that he does not want to keep me waiting and he wants to give me a good life .. so why isnt he acting on his words.... isnt his heart breaking to see me like this.. In fact i cry at nights wishing he was with me... wishing we could go on a date... he knows this. How can he be okay knowing how sad i am..... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 5 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: Yes... i value myself... i read that ladies who are happy as the OW have low self esteem issues.... i am not happy as the OW.. i just hope that he will value me too... If that is true, then why have you stayed around when he has offered so little for so long. Hgm, you sound like a lovely women and frankly, you are way too kind and too trusting for your own good. This man has offered you nothing but friendship and a few sweet words and you have built this fairytale around him - Either you are very naive or you do not value yourself because a woman who values herself would not have allowed a man to lie to her this way for so long… You want so desperately to believe his words that you have lost all common sense, I’m afraid. If your sister or your daughter spent five years of her youth waiting for a man who said he loved her but had never kissed her or done what is required to actually be together with this woman - what would your advice be to your sister or your daughter? How many years would you suggest that she wait? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: he too has told me that he does not want to keep me waiting and he wants to give me a good life .. so why isnt he acting on his words.... isnt his heart breaking to see me like this.. It’s not up to him - it’s your life. He goes him to his wife and his family every night. You are the person who is alone. He may say that he feels badly and wants more for you but he has yet to back those words up with actions. When words and actions are not consistent - always pay attention to his actions. If you are unhappy here, that is not his fault - it’s yours. You are the person who chose to believe his words. You are the person who put your life on hold. You are the person who goes home to an empty apartment (he goes home to dinner on the table and time with his family). You are the person who decides to end this because you want something that he can’t give you. Quote I think i have waited long enough and now its time for him to decide..... His indecision is his decision. It’s not him, it’s you. You need to decide what you want for your life. As I said above, your choices are to continue as you have been or to leave and go in search of a man who can give you that which you seek. It’s your one and only life - chose wisely. Edited December 19, 2021 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 5 minutes ago, BaileyB said: If that is true, then why have you stayed around when he has offered so little for so long. Hgm, you sound like a lovely women and frankly, you are way too kind and too trusting for your own good. This man has offered you nothing but friendship and a few sweet words and you have built this fairytale around him - Either you are very naive or you do not value yourself because a woman who values herself would not have allowed a man to lie to her this way for so long… You want so desperately to believe his words that you have lost all common sense, I’m afraid. If your sister or your daughter spent five years of her youth waiting for a man who said he loved her but had never kissed her or done what is required to actually be together with this woman - what would your advice be to your sister or your daughter? How many years would you suggest that she wait? I myself wonder why i stay even though i get so little..then i think that is because i feel being without him will hurt more and because im hoping one day he'll wake up and think "oh my god i love her and can't be without her" I guess i ll tell them to not wait around anymore because the man is not taking steps to be with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 6 minutes ago, BaileyB said: . He may say that he feels badly and wants more for you but he has yet to back those words up with actions. When words and actions are not consistent - always pay attention to his actions. I think i have finally realized this and that is a reason i wrote this story here.. i wanted to know if other people would feel the same.....up to now i believed his words now i am starting to feel those words are not supported by actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: im hoping one day he'll wake up and think "oh my god i love her and can't be without her" With kindness, it’s been five years and that hasn’t happened yet… 11 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: then i think that is because i feel being without him will hurt more I read something recently that applies here. I will quote but I’m not sure who said it - “Your heart will fix itself. It’s your mind that you need to worry about. Your mind will keep you up at night, make you cry, destroy you over and over… You need to convince your mind that it has to let go… because the heart already knows how to heal.” Edited December 19, 2021 by BaileyB 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ha-ha Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: Am i being stupid? Does he not value me at all.....am i just good enough for a chat.... these are the thoughts that i have been having lately.... i know the culture is different than the western countries and divorce is hard here. But i feel if he loved me enough he will want me in his life and will do everything to have me in his life Even in Asian countries people get divorced and men leave their unhappy marriages every day. It’s hard but possible. This just shows how much he values you. To an outsider looking in, it seems that he is pretty cruel. He prefers to let you suffer, knowing that he can make the pain go away if he chooses to. Edited December 19, 2021 by Berlin 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 1 hour ago, Hgm1920 said: People reading this thread feel it breaks their heart to see me waiting like this... he too has told me that he does not want to keep me waiting and he wants to give me a good life .. so why isnt he acting on his words.... isnt his heart breaking to see me like this.. In fact i cry at nights wishing he was with me... wishing we could go on a date... he knows this. How can he be okay knowing how sad i am..... He is okay, because he has realised and decided that being with you would likely make him sad. He would have to leave his home, his wife and child. He would disappoint and upset his family. It would be a very big deal for him, and all for a woman he has never even kissed... Given the choice, he will always choose to make himself happy. You think crying every night and telling him how upset you are, will magically endear you to him. It won't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He is okay, because he has realised and decided that being with you would likely make him sad. He would have to leave his home, his wife and child. He would disappoint and upset his family. It would be a very big deal for him, and all for a woman he has never even kissed... Given the choice, he will always choose to make himself happy. You think crying every night and telling him how upset you are, will magically endear you to him. It won't. No, because he has done the cost benefit analysis and for the past five years, he has decided he likes things as they are. Of course, you are much more invested than he is - he has much more to lose if he divorced. You have more to lose if you continue with this affair. For the past five years, he has chosen to put himself and his family first, as have you OP. How much longer are you prepared to do that? Crying to him about how sad you feel may get you a few more empty promises, some reassuring words about how much he truly loves you and wishes that you could be together… But then, he will return home to his family and you will be left feeling even worse as the reality sets in - he does not care about your heartache or he wouldn’t put you in such a position where you are left waiting, wanting, and missing out on the things that will bring you true joy in life. What he is doing to you now is neither a kind of loving thing to do to another person. It’s cruel. And why you have chosen this for yourself and allowed this to continue for five years is incomprehensible. Edited December 19, 2021 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: People reading this thread feel it breaks their heart to see me waiting like this... he too has told me that he does not want to keep me waiting and he wants to give me a good life .. so why isnt he acting on his words.... isnt his heart breaking to see me like this.. In fact i cry at nights wishing he was with me... wishing we could go on a date... he knows this. How can he be okay knowing how sad i am..... He doesn’t need to act on his words. His words already got him what he wanted - attention, loyalty and affection from you. Being with you legitimately (not an affair or secondary relationship) is expensive, uncertain and he would risk being a father full time or seeing his son full time. There’s nothing really that great about being with you and he has the comforts of your loyal affection and attention in ways he doesn’t get from the security of his marriage. I know this was a question founded more on emotion and the pain you’re going through. You’re trying to imagine why someone is capable of living this way but it happens very often. You got caught in the crosshairs and romance and now it’s lasted long enough for you to question whether it’s worth the hassle. It’s good you’re questioning this. Edited December 19, 2021 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 8 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: I am 36 years old. I am not looking to start a family. But i do want a marriage life with him... I do feel what i want and what is most important for me is a life with him...im sorry i dont know how to stop feeling that way Maybe enter therapy with a professional to help you get over this guy. You have to start with no contact first. I agree he will NEVER leave his wife and it's not because of her parents it's because he doesn't want to. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eeejay Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 Quote i feel the things he is saying must be true and he really wants to be with me but cant because of his family and kid... Here's the reality - it doesn't really matter what he feels or if what he's saying is true. It doesn't change what the outcome of this situation is going to be for YOU. He's lying about how he feels and doesn't care enough about you to break up his family to be with you - option one. Option two, he really does care about you but he won't leave his family to be with you because of excuse a, b, c or d. Don't you see that it doesn't MATTER which is true - the ending of the story is the same. The outcome of either scenario is YOU wasting your one precious life pining and crying over this dude who's never, ever going to be yours. YOU need to make the choice to stop giving your emotional investment to this guy. Focus your energy elsewhere and I promise the pain will fade quicker than you think. The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence - the grass is greener where you water it. Take your watering can and walk away from this. Find a new patch of grass that you can call yours. Quote I think i have waited long enough and now its time for him to decide..... No. He HAS decided. He's already told you how this is going to go, it's YOU that hasn't accepted it and it's YOU that's keeping yourself stuck in this bleak emotional place by accepting his breadcrumbs. You sound like a wonderful person - go find someone who's going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts