HowToQuit Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: That was before...Then he said he does want to divorce her and marry me.... Edited December 19, 2021 by HowToQuit Omission Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 Hey. I'm Asian, I understand the whole pressure thing. It doesn't change the fact that you are hanging on to a fantasy. If he can't or won't leave, for whatever reason, then what even is the point? I understand that you are infatuated with him, but you do not truly love him. You cannot truly love someone whom you have never shared a life with and never truly known outside of work - all you have is an idealized image in your head, which has some parts of your conversations with him in it, but the gaps are also filled in massively by your imagination. Can you start looking for a new job? You will not be able to heal until you can go no contact with him. He is NOT the man that you seek, for the very simple reason that he is married. There are other men out there, believe me, and some of them will be better partners for you. I don't mean the other dudes who proposed to you, I mean someone you've not met yet. Someone whom you won't meet if you spend your life crying every night over a fantasy. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 4 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: I am so sorry... I'm better off.. trust me 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 OP… I really want to give you a hug and then shake you until those heart-shaped rose-coloured glasses you wear break in thousand little pieces.. do your life a huge favour and cut this guy out. Now. Today. It will hurt in a short run but you will grow through this pain. Trust us all here: he is not leaving, he is not marrying you, tomorrow or ever. Let him go and never look back. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 3 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: This is what i have been feeling . But then again, i feel the things he is saying must be true and he really wants to be with me but cant because of his family and kid... i go on between these two feelings... Yes... I went between those two feelings for 18 months and my gut ended up being correct. I played a game... a game of stroking a MM's ego and he was stroking mine too. You need to look at your value that has nothing to do with him. Baby steps... work your way out of this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 Also ( I know it will sound callous, so forgive me)… if this guy is in an unhappy marriage and staying there for a kid (like a textbook MM line), he may likely have his physical needs satisfied by another OW while you are pining for him emotionally and think you are his OW. Get out!!!! 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 4 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: now its time for him to decide..... He's already decided, OP. It's clear that he chose his marriage. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 45 minutes ago, HowToQuit said: Also ( I know it will sound callous, so forgive me)… if this guy is in an unhappy marriage and staying there for a kid (like a textbook MM line), he may likely have his physical needs satisfied by another OW while you are pining for him emotionally and think you are his OW. Get out!!!! How crow.... how true. My guess in my case this xMM of mine probably has another woman for the sexual needs just one his wife does not know about... once I was discovered it was time to ditch me and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 He's not leaving his wife because he doesn't want to. If things are not that bad, he values the security of a marriage and likely cares about his family too. They built a life together. If it's just sex lacking, most men won't leave and will seek outside playmates to compensate for that need. It was surprising to learn but men can easily compartmentalize relationships. The OW lacks boundaries and is willing to help him out with his problem. That's why we are chosen. Don't be that woman. The level of respect for the OW is low even though men won't outright say it. Actions speak however. Please see the situation for what it is - you are a toy. Stand tall and discard relationships that do not serve you. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted December 19, 2021 Share Posted December 19, 2021 (edited) He is not afraid to lose me i think.. there have been incidents where he has told me "this is my way.if you dont like it you leave me" This is not loving; it is 'This is how it is, take it or leave it'. Most recently, he told me that there is a group chat of his batchmates from school and in the chat males are saying a lot of double meaning things to females and joking around.. i said can i see this chat? He said no. He says he is not saying double meaning things in the chat,he does not need to prove it to me and that is his way of thinking, if i dont like it i can leave.... it is his freedom to chat etc... Again, this is not loving. He is not obliged to show you his private chats with his mates but it's the 'if you don't like it you can leave' attitude that should be a huge red flag to you. I think in his mind he does not care if he loses me and that is why he is not getting a divorce? He probably does like you and enjoys your company but his attitude (above) suggests he is taking you for granted. He knows you like him. He knows you want him to get a divorce and he has already said he won't. He thinks he can say anything now and you will still be there for him. His attitude smacks of disrespect towards you. If he had a fear of losing me, if he wanted me, he would not say "this is my way if you dont like it leave" he ll say "ok we have a problem we will sort it out..." Yes, absolutely! He is not offering a solution to you, only saying 'put up with it or give up'. One thing OW do not seem to realise is how important security is to guys. It is women who end most relationships not men. Men like the security of having a familiar person in the background, someone who is there for them when they are down, mother to come home to if you will. While a guy might play away, if he dares, he is only playing. At the end of the day, he wants to go home to the familiar face who represents stability and security in his life. I think once you understand this, OP, you might realise why you are wasting your love on this guy. If you give up on him, you might have a patch of feeling sad and lonely, but it will also be a patch where you can consider other guys, where you can be free from this torment of feeling in limbo. If nothing else, you deserve so much more than his attitude of taking you for granted and disrespect. I do believe that once someone is truly free from an emotional commitment to someone else, then others will appear on the scene. While your heart is closed to others, you will not see alternatives and they will unconsciously sense that you are not free. The unconscious mind dictates a lot of what we sense and do. It is currently keeping you trapped in an unfulfilling situation but once you see through the trap and what it really consists of, you can free yourself. You deserve so much better. Edited December 19, 2021 by spiderowl 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 7 hours ago, Berlin said: To an outsider looking in, it seems that he is pretty cruel. He prefers to let you suffer, knowing that he can make the pain go away if he chooses to. Yes... i myself have been starting to think this.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 19, 2021 Author Share Posted December 19, 2021 6 hours ago, BaileyB said: he does not care about your heartache or he wouldn’t put you in such a position where you are left waiting, wanting, and missing out on the things that will bring you true joy in life. What he is doing to you now is neither a kind of loving thing to do to another person. It’s cruel. Thank you....thank you.. thank you... that really hit me in the head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 20, 2021 Author Share Posted December 20, 2021 4 hours ago, Elswyth said: Can you start looking for a new job? That is not possible.. i dont want to lose my career and start over again I have 15 years of experience here... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 3 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: That is not possible.. i dont want to lose my career and start over again I have 15 years of experience here... Well then, you need to put some distance between yourself and this man. A polite hello, and nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 20, 2021 Author Share Posted December 20, 2021 I have read the replies 3-4 times....and i think im going to talk with him and ask what he is going to do.is he going to start the divorce or is he going to end the affair... i guess i know the answer but after 5 years i want to freely talk ... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: i think im going to talk with him and ask what he is going to do.is he going to start the divorce or is he going to end the affair... What are you going to do if he tells you he loves you and he plan to divorce - he just needs more time… Men like this have no problem offering sweet words and promising to divorce - no doubt, he will say the words that you long to hear. He has said these words do you for five years and done nothing, this conversation will not be any different. Expat was very correct above, he made his choice a long time ago. He chose his family. He has put his own needs and his wife/her families needs above yours for the past five years. If he wanted things to be different, it would be different. It’s five years later and nothing has changed. You quite literally in the same place you were five years ago. The only thing worse than wasting five years of your life is wasting five years and one day. Edited December 20, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 20, 2021 Author Share Posted December 20, 2021 13 minutes ago, BaileyB said: What are you going to do if he tells you he loves you and he plan to divorce - he just needs more time… Men like this have no problem offering sweet words and promising to divorce - no doubt, he will say the words that you long to hear. He has said these words do you for five years and done nothing, this conversation will not be any different. Expat was very correct above, he made his choice a long time ago. He chose his family. He has put his own needs and his wife/her families needs above yours for the past five years. If he wanted things to be different, it would be different. It’s five years later and nothing has changed. You quite literally in the same place you were five years ago. The only thing worse than wasting five years of your life is wasting five years and one day. If he says he wants more time i ll agree with him about a time frame...? If he says he cant divorce then i ll tell him that he does not really love me and end this...? Im sorry. Its not that im not listening to you.... i am still clinging to hope i guess... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted December 20, 2021 Author Share Posted December 20, 2021 On the way to work... thinking about everything and feeling so helpless... i wish he would love me enough to marry me ... but i know that is just a wish ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 (edited) 18 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: On the way to work... thinking about everything and feeling so helpless... i wish he would love me enough to marry me ... but i know that is just a wish ... Edited December 20, 2021 by HowToQuit Omission Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 ^ can’t edit my post above somehow. All I wanted to say that this level of thinking and wishing applies to a single guy (ie I wish he loved me enough to marry me). Your guy is married! He can’t marry you, this spot is already taken… please please get out. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 (edited) 33 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: i wish he would love me enough to marry me ... It’s not a reflection of your worth as a person. And, it’s not a question of whether he loves you enough or not. Whatever he feels for you, it does not change the fact that he is committed to another woman and as such, he is not able to marry you. If you want to have a marriage and a family, you will need to chose a man who is able to give you these things. True love will not be found with another woman’s husband. Edited December 20, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 4 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: On the way to work... thinking about everything and feeling so helpless... i wish he would love me enough to marry me ... but i know that is just a wish ... And then also cheat on you in a marriage the way he’s doing now to his wife? What makes you think he’ll be loyal to you if you marry him? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 (edited) @Hgm1920 I understand throwing caution to the wind and the selfishness of doing something harmful to yourself or others if it feels really good at the time. But where is the logic in doing something like this if it's actually causing you pain? How long do you keep sticking your hand in the fire before you learn that it's a really stupid idea? Edited December 20, 2021 by basil67 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 5 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: On the way to work... thinking about everything and feeling so helpless... i wish he would love me enough to marry me ... but i know that is just a wish ... He's not even good husband material, OP. Look what he's been doing to his wife the last 5 years with you. You are kidding yourself if you think he would not do the same thing to do when the marriage became stale and dull. This is not a man with any sort of integrity, not a man who values honesty and doing the right thing. You need to let go of the fantasy life you have built up in your mind. Even if he divorced his wife at lunchtime today, it is extremely unlikely you two would wind up in a happy and healthy relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted December 20, 2021 Share Posted December 20, 2021 10 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: If he says he wants more time i ll agree with him about a time frame...? If he says he cant divorce then i ll tell him that he does not really love me and end this...? Im sorry. Its not that im not listening to you.... i am still clinging to hope i guess... Yeah but that more time line is classic MM bait and hook stuff. They say that to keep you around with zero intent of going anywhere. This has been a 5 year affair and hes still married? What does that tell you??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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