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I am the other woman and it hurts so much.


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1 hour ago, Hgm1920 said:

Thinking all day and crying is not doing any good to me.

Then why are you choosing this for yourself?

Honestly, if you end it with him it will hurt for a while but then, you will find happiness on your own and/or possibly in another relationship. 

If you go on this “date” and he rejects you again - it will hurt even more because you got your hopes up and you are disappointed. If you continue to stay in contact with this man and waste your time waiting for him to chose you, this agony will just be extended…

And then, you should really cry because you have wasted your life on a man who has brought you nothing but unhappiness. Trust me, when you look back at your life you will be so angry that you have been so foolish - 

If you don’t want to cry all day you need to chose something different for yourself. He will not chose to be with you if you wait this out - 

In fact, you should be more concerned that he will give in to your demands and progress this relationship while still never divorcing his wife. That is when the true agony will begin…

You continue to wait and hope that he will come to his senses and decide he loves you/divorces his wife but that is magical thinking. Just because you want it does not make it so - 

Edited by BaileyB
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9 hours ago, Hgm1920 said:

I know you all will scold me for this... but i can't just let go.... i love him... i have been thinking for days and we have decided to go on a date...... i hope he will see that he loves me and needs me after the date? I wish he would just say "i love you, i cant be without you, i would move mountains to have you in my life"  i know.... just a dream.....  guess im setting myself up for more heartbreak...

No one here is going to scold you because your decision to be unhappy has no affect on us.  You can let him go but you don't want to.  You are not some helpless, mindless person who is so weak she can't put one foot in front of the other.   When you start loving yourself more than you love some man you will never have then you will move on from him; if he doesn't leave you first.  Which is more than likely what will happen in your case.

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Chiming in late and just read the last three pages of this thread and what I can't wrap my brain around is that you talk about marriage with this man BUT yet after five (5) years, he has yet to kiss you or take you out on a date? 

Five YEARS? 

Respectfully, this isn't even about him anymore or his marital status, it's about you and why you choose this for yourself.  

Do you fear commitment yourself?  If not, what compels you to remain in a situation like this with a man who can't even manage to take you on a date? 

Commitment fears can often be unconscious, meaning we are not consciously aware of the fear, but nonetheless it's there lurking beneath the surface and shows itself through the choices you make. 

Nevermind finding a therapist to discuss this man and situation with, find one who can help you navigate your own fears surrounding commitment and anything else and the choices you make due to such fears. 

Best of luck. 

Edited by poppyfields
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Also… you and him might have different expectations of a “date”: for him, it might be just being in the public with you miles away from his home and for you, it’s holding hands / kissing in the neighbourhood restaurant.  Share with him your expectations upfront and see how he reacts. 

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19 minutes ago, HowToQuit said:

Also… you and him might have different expectations of a “date”: 

Very true. His idea of a “date” may be a romantic evening that ends with sex. He may see your request for a “date” as consent to progress the relationship - to an actual affair. While you dream of romantic evening ending with a declaration of love and commitment. You continue to hope for a legitimate relationship with this man. 

What’s most likely to happen, you will both enjoy the fantasy for a while but when it’s time to say goodbye and there is nothing forthcoming from this man, your expectation/disappointment will become evident. He will then begin to blame shift that you are too demanding/too difficult/to argumentative or whatever else he chooses to say… He will remind you all the reasons why he can’t divorce and it will be heartbreaking for you, prepare yourself. 

Edited by BaileyB
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It's rather unusual that this has been going on for over 5 years and the two of you haven't been physical.

Typically a guy isn't going to stick around very long if he isn't getting sex.

He probably sees you as a really good friend, someone to talk to, to vent about his marriage to, but doesn't see you as anything more than that.

Think about it- if it's so easy for him to deceive his wife, the mother of his kids, the woman he promised to be with forever, why would he be any more upfront with you, a woman he hasn't even kissed? It doesn't make any sense. What does make sense is that you aren't the only woman he's got on the side, even if "he chatted with you online all day".

You know this isn't going anywhere. The longer you stay, the more emotionally invested you become, the more difficult it will be to break away and the more painful and devastating it will be when it inevitably ends.

 

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14 minutes ago, Estes said:

 

It's rather unusual that this has been going on for over 5 years and the two of you haven't been physical.

Typically a guy isn't going to stick around very long if he isn't getting sex.

 

He is getting it somewhere: either with the wife (there goes the “loveless marriage”) or with someone else… 

Edited by HowToQuit
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Hgm1920, you are in an emotional spot I have recently been in.  I am a month out from ending my relationship with a similar man.  If you can't find a therapist, you might try the book How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern - I played the audiobook on a loop for the first few weeks when the break was most painful.  I suggest you sit down and listen to it today. It explains why we find it hard to let go even though the relationship is hurting us.

I would not go on the date - it is no cost for him and an opportunity to get more from you, while it will just end in more tears on your side.  Some of these men are looking for the emotional support they get from an AP, and in your case since you are at work you are filling this need during his work day - the concept of "office wife".   These work situations can go on for a long time since it is hard to avoid contact.

This group has a lot of wisdom to offer when we are stuck in the middle of the emotional storm.  I am still getting help from their responses - please take their advice!

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On 12/27/2021 at 2:34 AM, Jilted said:

Hgm1920, you are in an emotional spot I have recently been in.  I am a month out from ending my relationship with a similar man.  If you can't find a therapist, you might try the book How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern - I played the audiobook on a loop for the first few weeks when the break was most painful.  I suggest you sit down and listen to it today. It explains why we find it hard to let go even though the relationship is hurting us.

I would not go on the date - it is no cost for him and an opportunity to get more from you, while it will just end in more tears on your side.  Some of these men are looking for the emotional support they get from an AP, and in your case since you are at work you are filling this need during his work day - the concept of "office wife".   These work situations can go on for a long time since it is hard to avoid contact.

This group has a lot of wisdom to offer when we are stuck in the middle of the emotional storm.  I am still getting help from their responses - please take their advice!

Thank you. I will find the book..and im sorry about your situation...

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So.. have been thinking.... i really feel like i need to go on this date... 

 

These are my feelings right now

 

1 i feel he does not care that i am sad because of not having a proper relationship with him

 

2 I'm there for his happiness,he doesn't care about mine...

 

3 Am i worth only to chat for him.am i not worth enough to get married (to him.there are other proposals pending so i know it's not a problem of my worth.but a problem of my worth for HIM) i hope i described that well.

 

 

4 he has been with me for 5 years with no sex... so there must be some love....

 

5 but he loves himself more.

 

6 Doesnt love me enough to want me....

 

My thoughts are killing me.i wish he would just get the divorce like thousands of men do everyday..... i wish he would just say i love you.i want to marry you.

 

But even yesterday he said he loves me but does not want to marry me because i argue .... well, i guess i will never be the perfect doll who agrees to everything and keeps her mouth shut.

 

 

 

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19 minutes ago, S2B said:

Since it hurts you so much - you should end it.

 

Why isn't he thinking "she is hurting because of this.i love her ,  i ll do what it takes to make her happy" 

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Here i am... wanting him to WANT me... long for me... and there he is .. thinking "i wont ever be able to marry her so i shall be ready to stop this anytime" keeping distance... not really being emotionally vulnerable

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30 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said:

am i not worth enough to get married (to him.there are other proposals pending

 

You've received multiple wedding proposals from other guys?

 

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47 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said:

But even yesterday he said he loves me but does not want to marry me because i argue ....

He can’t marry you!! He is married to another woman. This discussion you continue to have - will he or won’t he marry you - is ridiculous because he is not already married to another woman who he says he has no intention to divorce.

My partner and I disagree and argue about things. He does things that I don’t like, and I do things he doesn’t like. We still love each other and we are still committed to each other. 

Honestly, this discussion you are having is pointless. It is an excuse - whether you argue with him or not, he is married to another woman (who likely argues with him) and thus, not an option for you!

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50 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said:

Why isn't he thinking "she is hurting because of this.i love her ,  i ll do what it takes to make her happy" 

He is under no obligation to make you happy - he is not in a relationship with you. 

The person who is responsible for your happiness is you!! If you are not happy, stop wasting your time and emotional energy on a married man who is not even kind to you.

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55 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said:

Why isn't he thinking "she is hurting because of this.i love her ,  i ll do what it takes to make her happy" 

Because he doesn't care

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53 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said:

he has been with me for 5 years with no sex... so there must be some love....

Wrong. A man who loves a woman would do anything to be with her. 

Your guy has made it very clear - he does not intend to divorce. He has resisted any progression of this relationship to physical affection. That’s not love - he is wasting your time, how long are you going to allow him to continue to do so?

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6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Because he doesn't care

No, he doesn’t care. If he did care, he wouldn’t be wasting her time and allowing her to get her hopes up when he has no intention of divorcing.

Edited by BaileyB
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1 hour ago, Hgm1920 said:

Here i am... wanting him to WANT me... long for me... and there he is .. thinking "i wont ever be able to marry her so i shall be ready to stop this anytime" keeping distance... not really being emotionally vulnerable

What I learned from my similar situation is they compartmentalize - he is happy having his wife at home, he is happy having you fill other needs as his "office wife", he is happy having IG and chat rooms late at night for still other needs, etc. He does not want just one source who will fill all those needs.  And yes you are in second place after his wife, so he could stop it anytime or find someone else to take your place.  That is why this is a bad position for you to be in, which you would benefit from getting out of.  He tells you at least the minimum you need to hear to keep hanging on, but it is a manipulation.

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Estes said:

You've received multiple wedding proposals from other guys?

 

Yes. I have received marriage proposals from other guys.but i just want a life with him. I can't and don't want to think about other guys while im in love with him...

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34 minutes ago, Jilted said:

What I learned from my similar situation is they compartmentalize - he is happy having his wife at home, he is happy having you fill other needs as his "office wife", he is happy having IG and chat rooms late at night for still other needs, etc. He does not want just one source who will fill all those needs.  And yes you are in second place after his wife, so he could stop it anytime or find someone else to take your place.  That is why this is a bad position for you to be in, which you would benefit from getting out of.  He tells you at least the minimum you need to hear to keep hanging on, but it is a manipulation.

 

 

 

Thank you... it hurts so much to think of it this way....

 

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16 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said:

I have received marriage proposals from other guys.but i just want a life with him.

That’s not an option. 

What a shame, you have missed other opportunities to find a relationship and a family because you had your heart set on this married man - 

Someday, you will feel such regret. 

Edited by BaileyB
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On 12/18/2021 at 10:45 PM, Hgm1920 said:

 

Me and my AF work at the same place. We talked a lot during work and eventually i fell for him.but since i knew he was married i kept my feelings to myself.

Then i  got to know that his marriage has some problems.. one day he asked if i love him and then on another day he said he loves me... but we agreed not to do anything about it because he is married.

 

He told me that divorce is impossible for him because of his family's values. And because of his child. we are Asians and around here there is a lot of pressure from parents and society to stay married no matter what problems you face.


We grew close through chats and he still said he can"t marry me. Those days i was suffering a lot thinking "am i good enough only for a chat?"


So We tried to stop our feelings for each other for about a year and had no contact. But after a year we knew we were still in love with each other and started chatting again.

From the begining to now , for 5 years we have not kissed we have not gone on a date we have not hugged etc... i guess its a long emotional affair. We both want to kiss hug etc but feel its wrong ....i know having an emotional affair is wrong too... but we cant be apart..... 

I never thought i'll fall in love with a married man... but it happened... i guess you cant teach your feelings that this man is single it's okay to fall in love with him this man is married don't fall for him. You can't decide and you don't know when and with whom you'll fall in love....


1) After 5 years he said he wants to marry me. he talked to his wife about divorce..(i have proof) but she says she can't divorce.

She says her parents are against divorce and she can't face her parents and society if they get a divorce. So the only reason she wants the marriage is for show. Not because she loves him..

He says she said she will Kill herself if he files for divorce (i don't have proof of her saying that)


So... how can he get her to agree for a divorce? 

 

 

 

Being the other woman hurts so much.... but i know if i stop and try to be without him that will hurt more.. i can't let go and i can't be with him...   i cry every night... it hurts so much when i see other couples holding hands... going on dates for lunch,dinner,movies etc... i wish i could be with him like that ....


During these years i have received many suitable proposals for marriage,  but my heart is with him i can't love him and agree to marry someone else....
  
I know in many cases a man will lie and say he cant get a divorce because he just wants the OW for sex... but here he does not want sex. I know he genuinely loves me.


2) He has a 6 years old. He worries that he won't be able to give love to his kid if he divorces. Even if the parents are divorced the dad can still be a good, loving parent right..? How do i make him understand that? 


I feel he is torn between his parents, kid and me.

I just want him to love me enough to say "i love you and i ll marry you no matter what"


I know he loves me. But Sometimes i feel if he wanted he would have divorced her and married me. he is with her because he doesnt care that im sad without him.and that makes me think if he doesnt care does he love me....  are my feelings valid...? 

 

Your "feelings" are certainly valid...   BUT this is a case of YOU... short-changing YOU...  nobody else is involved at all.

 

It is precisely beCAUSE of your insistance about wanting/having somebody that you cannot have, that you are at present unable to go and connect with somebody who might truly and fully be available to you.

 

The rest of those details are in place here as you continue to try to justify your deserving what you cannot have.

 

Just imagine what all of your interest and effort might be able to land for you on the open  social market.

 

This reads as if you gave/invested your all  in a stock that began at $100 a share...  and you held on to the (dream) for so long, that it has now withered away to $36 a share...  and the outlook for its near future is bleak... but you are unwilling to take the remaining 36% of your original bankroll and invest it in something truly HEALTHY, instead making yourself believe that the only way to 'get even' or  'win' in this investment, is STAY with it (until every last penny is gone).

 

Would you do this with actual money???

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