Author Hgm1920 Posted February 12, 2022 Author Share Posted February 12, 2022 And the other thing he uses is "my kid needs me" he says his child is waiting for him to come home every night so he must go home... i feel he is using that as an excuse . But im not sure. I mean millions of men with kids do get divorced..... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: I do not honestly know what im going to do about it. I guess there is nothing to do as the affair is over now . There is nothing you can do about it. It’s over. Time to learn from this experience and move on. 8 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: But he acts like i fight and that is why he cant marry me.its just an excuse right? It’s only the latest excuse he has given you. People in relationships have disagreements - their relationships don’t end because they have a disagreement. And, what you describe is not a fight. It’s you reminding him/holding him accountable for things he said he would do - and he is shifting the blame to you. It’s a manipulation tactic that emotional abusers use to shift the focus from themselves to their victim. 8 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: He was trying to make me feel that it is my fault that he isnt leaving her to marry me.but truth is he was just comfortable having us both and didnt want to select one. He has selected one - he selected his wife. He was comfortable having you both but if he must select one - he has chosen his wife. Kindly, this is what you still don’t understand - it never was a choice between the two of you. He is married and he has made no effort to change that - his choice was made long ago… you just didn’t understand or didn’t accept that. Edited February 12, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: And the other thing he uses is "my kid needs me" he says his child is waiting for him to come home every night so he must go home... i feel he is using that as an excuse . But im not sure. I mean millions of men with kids do get divorced..... Of course, men with children get divorced. He doesn’t intend to divorce. He wants to be home with his child and he has chosen to stay in his marriage. It’s not an excuse. He is honouring his commitment to his family - If you were married to a man who was flirting with another woman and she thought it was just “an excuse” when he said he had to go home to be with you and your children at night - would you agree that it is just an excuse? Or would you say - he is where he is supposed to be and he is doing what he is supposed to be doing as a husband and a father? Edited February 12, 2022 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 35 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: And the other thing he uses is "my kid needs me" he says his child is waiting for him to come home every night so he must go home... i feel he is using that as an excuse . But im not sure. I mean millions of men with kids do get divorced..... His child is waiting for him to come home at night. Why is it so hard for you to believe that children want the presence of their mother and father. It's not an excuse but a fact he's telling you. He's not preventing you from moving on and seeking a relationship where you're a priority. In this one you are not. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 (edited) The truth here is - even if he did divorce his wife there is no guarantee that he would have chosen to be with you and marry you. You have never dated the man. You have never kissed or had sex, you don’t know what his favorite foods are, you don’t know how grumpy he gets when he is sick or how he handles stress, you don’t know how he is going to resolve conflict when you have an actual disagreement. You are assuming divorce = marriage and happily ever with you. And yet, he could decide after that first real argument that this isn’t what he wants after all and go in search of someone else. Or maybe, it will be that the sex isn’t good, or you want to work outside the home, or you snore - who knows what excuse he will offer. My point being - if he ever was to divorce is does not necessarily mean that you get your happily ever after - it’s rather naive to think that you would. Edited February 12, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2022 Share Posted February 12, 2022 18 minutes ago, stillafool said: He's not preventing you from moving on and seeking a relationship where you're a priority. In this one you are not. Whats more, the person who is preventing OP from moving on to find a relationship where she is a priority and gives her that which she truly desires - is OP. Time to face reality and let go of this fantasy - 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 OP, what is your relationship history like? Have you had solid relationships with men before? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted February 13, 2022 Author Share Posted February 13, 2022 53 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: OP, what is your relationship history like? Have you had solid relationships with men before? Yes. One man. That was my 1st relationship. We got married and then got separated in 2014. Then i started the relationship with this guy...in 2016... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 15 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: he acts like i fight and that is why he cant marry me.its just an excuse right? Yes, it's an excuse. He won't marry you because he's already married. Let go. He's causing you a lot of grief and unhappiness. When you let go, you'll be able to meet and date single honest men. Keep in mind he was your band-aid while you were separated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted February 13, 2022 Author Share Posted February 13, 2022 I feel like i am lost.. trying to stay strong.. but the Why and How are eating me alive. Why would he knowingly hurt me and how would he do that to me. I keep saying to myself that he loves himself and my hurt does not matter to him because he cares and loves himself. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 3 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: Why would he knowingly hurt me and how would he do that to me. You have to drop the victim-stance, Hgm. Why would you do this to yourself, is the better question. You knew he was married when you got involved and then stayed involed way too long. You saw nothing concrete changing, for years. And yet, you chose to stick around. Your own poor choices are not his problem. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 3 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: I feel like i am lost.. trying to stay strong.. but the Why and How are eating me alive. Why would he knowingly hurt me and how would he do that to me. I keep saying to myself that he loves himself and my hurt does not matter to him because he cares and loves himself. You need to start asking yourself why would you hurt yourself by getting involved with a married man. You knew it was wrong yet you went ahead with it and now you are in a world of hurt. You need to start promising yourself not to make that decision again. MM did not do this to you, you did. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hgm1920 Posted February 13, 2022 Author Share Posted February 13, 2022 4 minutes ago, stillafool said: You need to start asking yourself why would you hurt yourself by getting involved with a married man. You knew it was wrong yet you went ahead with it and now you are in a world of hurt. You need to start promising yourself not to make that decision again. MM did not do this to you, you did. I didnt want to hurt myself..... I fell in love and marrying him would have made me very happy. That decision was his to make.not mine.... and he didnt make that decision... so he could have choosen to not hurt me, but he didnt.. if he loved me enough, if he loved me more than he loves his comfort, he would have divorced her and married me... but he didnt... so yes... i think he did this to me. Yes, i understand that if i didnt fall in love i would not be hurt... but i did fall in love.. and then the decision was his to hurt me .... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 1 minute ago, Hgm1920 said: I fell in love and marrying him would have made me very happy. That decision was his to make.not mine... He's already married to another woman so how in the world can he marry you? He doesn't love you, he loves his wife and that is why he's staying. The affair was a poor decision on your part as well as his. Why aren't you going after single men if you want to get married? This one is taken. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bubble_20 Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 9 minutes ago, Hgm1920 said: I didnt want to hurt myself..... I fell in love and marrying him would have made me very happy. That decision was his to make.not mine.... and he didnt make that decision... so he could have choosen to not hurt me, but he didnt.. if he loved me enough, if he loved me more than he loves his comfort, he would have divorced her and married me... but he didnt... so yes... i think he did this to me. Yes, i understand that if i didnt fall in love i would not be hurt... but i did fall in love.. and then the decision was his to hurt me .... I apologise if I’ve missed something in your earlier posts and I’m sorry you’re going through so much anguish, but is this a 5 year “relationship” with no intimacy. At all?? What are you basing your future with this man on? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Hgm1920 said: I didnt want to hurt myself..... I fell in love. That decision (to divorce) was his to make.not mine.... and he didnt make that decision... so he could have choosen to not hurt me, but he didnt.. You just can not understand that the responsibility here is yours. It’s not that you had no control - you “fell in love” (no control over that) and he wouldn’t divorce (no control over that) - so you are a victim of circumstance and a man who failed to put your needs ahead of his own. Wrong. You chose to be in a relationship with an unavailable man (that is a decision that you made) and you stayed way too long (you chose to ignore all the signs that indicated he was not going to be in an actual relationship with you). You have wasted five years of your life waiting for a man - with whom you are not actually in a relationship. You had never been on a date, you had never kissed him, you were not in a relationship with this man!! 1 hour ago, Hgm1920 said: I fell in love and marrying him would have made me very happy. You do not know this. What you do know about this man is that he lies, he cheats, and he puts you down and blames you - not a nice man. There is no happily ever to be had here. Edited February 13, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 (edited) 59 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said: is this a 5 year “relationship” with no intimacy. At all?? Not at all. No date. No kiss. No hand holding, hugging, sex. Nothing. As such, it’s not a romantic relationship. Quote What are you basing your future with this man on? Little more than her imagination. This is a fantasy relationship of her own creation. Edited February 13, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 1 hour ago, Hgm1920 said: Yes, i understand that if i didnt fall in love i would not be hurt... but i did fall in love.. and then the decision was his to hurt me .... The decision was yours, not to waste five years of your life waiting for a married man to leave his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 2 hours ago, Hgm1920 said: f he loved me enough, if he loved me more than he loves his comfort, he would have divorced her and married me... but he didnt... so yes... i think he did this to me. Yes, i understand that if i didnt fall in love i would not be hurt... but i did fall in love.. and then the decision was his to hurt me .... Hogwash. You are an adult. You made bad choices. Time to own it and stop the pity-party for yourself. You will continue to stand in your own way (and blame everyone else for it) if you don't. 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bubble_20 Posted February 13, 2022 Share Posted February 13, 2022 It’s a shame that you have lost so many years of your life waiting for this man. It’s unusual for MM to leave their marriages even when they’ve been heavily involved in a physical/romantic relationship with another women. At some point, discovery of the affair or the equally sobering reality of what’s involved to make the next move to be together properly - is just too much for some men. Unfortunately, it seems even less likely in your case. I can’t see, through reading the information in your posts what connection or bond the two of you have other than talking which could equate to the love you feel he has for you? I’m not trying to belittle your feelings which are clearly very strong for this man, but you have to try and look at the ‘evidence’ of the past five years. Examine the amount of time you have spent together and what you did as a ‘couple’. What do you actually know to be true about this man and his life. What have you seen with your own eyes, rather than what he’s told you in an email or text message. The level (or lack of) intimacy and loving moments. A five year relationship should reveal hundreds of pieces of evidence that could potentially indicate a persons true feelings and if they love you or not. He may have been stringing you along for years, not sure how to end what ever it is you have been doing. But I think he’s told you more than once that he can’t marry you (with some reasons). And to be honest, his level of restraint not be intimate in ANY way with you sadly may indicate he’s just not that interested in you romantically. You deserve so much more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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