Does she still have feelings for him?

[Jsdk]

Hi guys 

I need a little input. 

I have been seeing this woman for two years now. Since fall of 2019.  She appears very, very much in love with me. We do not yet cohabitate, but see eachother every day. 

Not long ago, i'm certain that her phone behavior had changed. I actually didn't realise it before it was back to normal. Normally she isn't very protective about her phone but for a period she was. 

Whether it was irregular for one or two months (or two weeks for that matter) I don't know. 

Having had experience with cheating (I was betrayed in my previous marriage), I dug a bit deeper into her fb page. I then realised that a guy she had an (very short) affair with one year before I started seeing her, had liked a couple of her posts over the past 6 months (I didn't figure out who this guy was until recently). Naturally I checked his fb as well, and she more or less likes all of his post and has for years. He has never liked or replied to any of her fb stuff before 6 months ago. (didn't go back to check any further than late 2018).

The guy married his long time partner back in june of 2020 (his kids are all teens so they have been together for a very long time). I actually remember that day, as we where visiting her sister and I overheard the sister saying to my gf while looking at the phone "oh if only his bride knew he has been f***** you". So I knew that her former affair partner had married. And the sisters remark indicated some sort of bitterness on my gf's behalf, I believe. 

Yes I knew about the affair partner because she actually occasionally mentions stuff regarding him. 

She once told me that it also was sort of a  revenge on her ex husband, as he had an affair a couple of years before they divorced. 

She also told me that she had feelings for the guy 15 years ago when he was her teacher at college. (she took a couple of classes at the same school 3-4 years ago, and that's how they met again) 

She also told me once that he said back then "it could have been us". 

What I find extremely weird is how you can consider an affair with a guy as revenge on your ex husband AFTER you separated/divorced. So I'm guessing the only way it can be considered revenge in her mind, is if she had feelings for the teacher all those years between when she was 18 and 30 (she was with her husband from her early teens till 30). 

She recently showed me a paper from school that he had graded and commented on, from 15 years ago (she didn't mention who the teacher was but no doubt it is the same person). Who keeps stuff like that 15 years???  And who talks so much of a former affair partner... 

I am worried that if she had feelings for him for all those years, that she still has. 

Should I be worried? And if so, should I take action and what action should I take?

I love her and I want to be with her forever. 

BTW I am 100% sure she hasn't cheated on me, so lets assume her unusual phone behavior had nothing to do with him. 

Thanks 

 

[FMW]

6 hours ago, Jsdk said:

I overheard the sister saying to my gf while looking at the phone "oh if only his bride knew he has been f***** you".

If she was your girlfriend at the time her sister used the present tense about your girlfriend's involvement with him (the part I bolded from the quote, not just that he had been with her in the past), that would have set off warning bells for me big time.  

You give lots of examples of what she's done that make you think she has feelings for him.  You are also suspicious about her temporary phone behavior.  Unfortunately, I think it's likely you have reason to be concerned, although who knows what the exact circumstances are.  

Unless you have her locked away when you are not together, you cannot be 100% sure that she hasn't cheated on you.  I'm not sure why you end your post with "lets assume .....nothing to do with him".  Why would we assume that?  It seems to me that you assume it is.  There could be any number of reasons for her phone behavior, but on the face of it I would say none of them are good.  

I think you need to bring all of these points up with her, hear what she has to say about it.  Maybe you're just naturally a suspicious person, but if not, I would pay attention to your instincts that something is not right.

[salparadise]

I don't think that anyone here will be able to give you the reassurance that you seek. I don't blame you for questioning though.

I guess the crux of the matter is whether she's with you by her choice, or if he ended it and you're plan B. I think there are two ways to approach it –– either bring it up and talk about it openly, or give her enough rope to hang herself and see what happens (which may be a long wait). If she's carrying a torch the chances of her admitting it are probably low. One thing is certain though, she doesn't have strong enough boundaries to cut it off, and that reasonably doesn't feel right to you. If you trust her to be honest about it, then ask.

Do you know how/why their affair ended? Did he end it because he chose the woman he married? Do you know if they were dating at the time he and your girlfriend were involved, or were they at discrete times?

[salparadise]

Okay-  I reread your original post and see that he married his long-term partner and that his involvement with your girlfriend was during the time they were together. IOW, affair with a capital A. So presumably he chose the other woman, and the odds are that your GF is still infatuated (or worse). And she's liking everything he posts, while he only gave her attention during a six month period.

Obviously not good news for you. I'm sorry. So that leaves you with some decisions. I can only say what I'd do, and that is without having a dog in the fight, iow, not emotionally invested. Options:

1. discussion time. tell her how you feel and see if she acts appropriately.
2. ultimatum time. she either severs all contact or you're out. of course there's no guarantee it won't recur.
3. out without discussion, because you've lost trust due to her ongoing entanglement and semi-illicit nature of their fling
4. rug sweep and hope for the best while allowing the anxiety to eat you alive 

My choice would be to try #1 and if that's a fail, #3

 

Edited December 19, 2021 by salparadise

[glows]

Someone who has affairs with married men, is vengeful and whom you distrust or can’t be sure about after two years of dating? 

I’d look at the overall big picture instead of these small details. You claim you want to be with her forever so you’ve already decided regardless of her character you’d like to keep the relationship. Does this sound reasonable? 

You may decide to have a talk with her but chances are you’ll come across as paranoid and neurotic if you’re discussing her phone usage and questioning her about an ex on Facebook. I doubt you’ll get the answers you need even from her.

Take a look at her and what she is overall as a person and go from there.

If you’re expecting someone to hand you the answers or make you feel better about all this I doubt she’d be able to. 

[Jsdk]

Thank You all for the thoughtful replies

FMW: I only brought up the phone thing to explain what it was that made my mind go racing. I have never paid any attention to who follows her on fb. I still don't think she had any inappropriate contact with him while she has been seeing me. If something has been going on recently and he burned her again, I'm sure she would have deleted his friendship by now. 

Like I mentioned, we do not live together so we both have our own homes. She never stays the night at her own place in the weeks I have my kids. I know you can cheat at any hour of the day, but it would be more logical to do it at night at a place 15 miles from mine. 

Regarding the comment from the sister, yes me and my gf had been involved for appx 8 months at that time. 

Salparadise: thank you for coming back with the second post. You are spot on. He was with his long time partner at the time. So yes, he chose her and put a big fat line under that choice when he married her 18 months later. Tbh he is probably just a creep who took advantage of a young woman who was going through a dark period of her life, just having been divorced from a marriage she didn't choose to leave, and also she was still very much in pain due to her fathers recent passing back then. 

I know that no one can give me any reassurance but I actually came here to find out whether it would be unreasonable for me to tell her (Ehh well politely ask) to cut ties with a man she clearly still is infatuated with. 

Out of sight out of mind could probably do the trick here. 

Glows: I hate cheaters. I really do. Having been cheated on twice by my XW, I only hold resentment towards people who go down that path. (she knows that, not that it matters). But as mentioned above, she was in a very dark place back then. And at dark times weak people make mistakes. I trust her, but you know how limerence can mess with your head, right? 

No way I can rug sweep forever. I know myself enough to know that I simply can't resist checking his fb every day to see whether he has posted anything that she has reacted to. And as I only can see his public posts, it could be ages before he posts anything again that I can see. 

I'll see if I can wait a little longer before decision time. A cohabitating-talk between me and her isn't far away, and that would probably be the least worst time to mention it. And who knows, Maybe the problem is gone before then. One can hope. 

[smackie9]

This isn't about cheating, this is about her lack of integrity, and moral values. Her attitude towards relationships is alarming. Selfish, self entitled, insecure. I know you are in love with her, but I can't stand by and not say these things. If it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not. This is not the type of person you can sustain a solid relationship with on such a rocky foundation. If she was in a dark place, and now she's in a better place, she would have nothing to do with this guy, and go forward....but she hasn't. She's not in a dark place now right? and yet she still lingers with this guy, so that should tell you something. As for someone that was cheated on, not sure why you would ever consider taking such risks to be with her knowing her past.

Edited December 19, 2021 by smackie9

[elaine567]

Go spend some time on the OW forum.
Affairs are often addictive and those in affairs find it difficult to give up on them.
Some MM will never leave their OW alone for good, and OW who are often very in love with the guy, end up taking him back time after time.
They often just can't say no, as they are so desperate for him to finally choose her...

As you have been cheated on before what on earth are you doing with this girl whose boundaries are lax and who you could never really trust.
 

12 hours ago, Jsdk said:

"oh if only his bride knew he has been f***** you".

Wake up

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, Jsdk said:

but I actually came here to find out whether it would be unreasonable for me to tell her (Ehh well politely ask) to cut ties with a man she clearly still is infatuated with. 

A woman who is in love with you wouldn't even even need to be asked. 

He'd be a distant memory. 

Let that sink in. 

[Crazelnut]

My take: she cheated on you at the beginning of your relationship and is still infatuated with him. Her morals are lacking. Run. 

[stillafool]

On 12/19/2021 at 1:37 PM, Jsdk said:

Tbh he is probably just a creep who took advantage of a young woman who was going through a dark period of her life, just having been divorced from a marriage she didn't choose to leave, and also she was still very much in pain due to her fathers recent passing back then. 

Um, maybe and maybe not.  I lean towards the maybe not because she's still dreaming of him.  Not all young women are as innocent as you think.

[Jsdk]

On 12/19/2021 at 5:44 PM, FMW said:

If she was your girlfriend at the time her sister used the present tense about your girlfriend's involvement with him (the part I bolded from the quote, not just that he had been with her in the past), that would have set off warning bells for me big time.  

 

I need to clarify here. That WAS said in the past tense. I'm not english so unfortunately I translated it wrong. Sorry for the confusion. 

Thank you all for the input. It has given me food for thought and I will figure out how to proceed. I'll have a talk with her soon and see what she has to say. I'll return at some point to give a follow up.

Thanks again

Edited December 21, 2021 by Jsdk
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