Passionate Love Without Turmoil, Is it Possible?

[Girl Fade Away]

 

Hey guys (and gals), hope everyone has been enjoying the holidays!  

So I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching lately, reading and talking to others, and I'm beginning to wonder now if absolute true love and passion can exist without at least some emotional turmoil.  Without any jealousy, possessiveness, emotional upheaval. 

And if there is not such turmoil, then while you may 'love' your partner and feel that peace, calm and contentment people often say they want, is it that true deep soul-stirring passionate 'in-love would take a bullet for my partner' type of love? 

And how do you control that type of love and passion for another?  I don't think you can really.  It either exists or it doesn't.   

And while we all may strive for that calm and peace and find it, there is always that lingering longing for a past love, perhaps your first love, or the 'one that got away.'

I've talked to people in thoroughly happy relationships with a partner they love, who feel that peace and calm, but when diving deeper within, or not even so deep, they always admit to still harboring intense feelings and passion for a former past love, the one for whom they felt that deep deep passion but it didn't work out due to all the jealousy, possessiveness (on both sides) and emotional turmoil that intense love inspired in them.

Below is a quote I recently read about one such couple whose relationship was chock full of such emotional turmoil and upheaval but for whom the love and passion for each other always remained even after divorce.

"Although their marriage was rife with turmoil, Nick and Barbara kept their relationship going, even after getting divorced, because they truly were always in love.  There was a great, great love there, there really was. Nick was very unhappy about the breakup, and I think Barb was too. I don’t think either one of them ever got over it.”

The woman spoke about her new husband:

I feel happy and taken-care-of in my new relationship with M but have always carried a torch for Nick. I don’t want to take anything away from my relationship with M, because he has made me happy during the past 15 years of my life.  I feel at peace with him.. But it is a different kind of happiness. Not the kind of happiness, love and passion I felt with Nick.”

Not sure why but reading that made me feel a bit sad..  

Thoughts?

 

Edited December 19, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Weezy1973]

I’ve experienced both, and can say without a doubt that the “crazy in love passion” with turmoil is unsustainable over the long term. So if you want something that lasts a lifetime, and someone you want to build a life with, calm, stable, that peaceful “at home” feeling is the goal. And I’d say it’s even more true if you want to have kids together. 
 

But how the relationship starts can certainly be passion filled and then transitions over time to more stable and calm. 
 

And that being said, if one is just seeking that passion “high” they and forego the stability, It’s probably more likely they’ll have a series of shorter term relationships rather than something that lasts a lifetime. And that’s fine too. 

[Girl Fade Away]

Thanks Weezy, that makes sense especially the part about 'crazy in-love passionate love' not being sustainable long term.  Although the couple in my story were married 15 years!   And produced two children.

One child was interviewed and said growing up she witnessed so much happiness and great love between her parents but also some extremely dark moments too.

I am sure she didn't see all of the darkness however and is left with mostly fond memories.

I am wondering how a couple transitions from "intense passionate intoxicating love" to calm and peaceful. 

I've read a few books about it but still don't fully understand how its possible. 

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I am wondering how a couple transitions from "intense passionate intoxicating love" to calm and peaceful. 

I've often wondered that even when involved in  those types of relationships in my past.  My nerves can't stand the pressure of the constant turmoil and I exit, even though I know the longing will be painful and I'll never forget.  I find peace in a stable relationship where emotions aren't as high.  That is more sustainable and valuable to my mental health.

[Girl Fade Away]

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

My nerves can't stand the pressure of the constant turmoil and I exit, even though I know the longing will be painful and I'll never forget.  

IOW, you have run away from crazy passionate love?  That is so interesting!

I wonder how many others have done the same leaving their partners confused and bewildered? And wondering to themselves (or others), who runs away from such an intense passionate love? 

But it's real and it happens, thank you sharing that stillafool!  

Edited December 19, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

I think so.

My boyfriend in my early twenties we had a deep dislike of each other initially. 

Like, ewe. I would never go out with you (he thought that too).

But then it turned into calm with some sizzle.

Lasted a few years, he always says (even to this day) that I was the love of his life.

It was a nice relationship while it lasted.

I kind of agree with @stillafool, too much turmoil and my nerves get shot.

I think certain couples just have a certain kind of magic together and maybe they just got really lucky and work really hard at their relationship. You know the kind where you see like 70 year olds still together walking around holding each other's hands.

So sweet.

[basil67]

29 years together, we have that peace and calm, deep love which you talk about.   The mad passion was there initially, but that's driven by hormones and does fade to something deeper and more solid.   No emotional turmoil.  We might bicker a bit, but there's no actual fighting or raised voices.  Nobody has ever sworn at the other or called names....not even something as benign as "stupid"

I can honestly say that I harbour no secret feelings for loves in my past.  They are all in the past for good reason.   I've never experienced jealousy or possessiveness in a relationship, but I don't think I'd tolerate it for long.  

[Foxhall]

It can be even down to timing,

the passion may be there but perhaps neither part of the couple is in the head space or emotionally or logistically ready to commit to a relationship,

therefore that true passionate love slips away,

then if they meet someone else a few years later, I dont know, maybe perhaps simply the timing is now better, they are at a slightly more mature age and well its now or never if they want to settle down with someone.

Yes the what might have been with the original love interest- I think that remains to some degree but people learn to block it away and be happy with the new person they have found,

 

 

[Weezy1973]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I've never experienced jealousy or possessiveness in a relationship, but I don't think I'd tolerate it for long.  

This was a main characteristic of both my “intense passionate” relationships. Lack of trust. It was one of the main drivers of the intensity. 

[Girl Fade Away]

15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Lack of trust. It was one of the main drivers of the intensity. 

Don't mean to make things complicated, but can we ever fully trust our partners?  Isn't a lot of it simply based on hope and faith? 

Sad to say, but I don't think I have ever 100% fully trusted any of my boyfriends..

Nothing they've done, or haven't done, I just don't know if anyone deserves 100% of my trust, we are all flawed individuals and capable of hurting our partners in a very serious way, without intending to. 

So to place all of our trust in our partner is essentially saying I think they are perfect, would do no wrong to me and never hurt me.

Am I wrong to think and feel this way? 

 

Edited December 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This was a main characteristic of both my “intense passionate” relationships. Lack of trust. It was one of the main drivers of the intensity. 

I agree with @Girl Fade Away's comments.   Bad stuff can happen, but getting bent out of shape over the '"what if's" isn't conducive to a solid relationship

Edited December 20, 2021 by basil67

[Girl Fade Away]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I agree with @Girl Fade Away's comments.   Bad stuff can happen, but getting bent out of shape over the '"what if's" isn't conducive to a solid relationship

Thanks basil, coming from you and the relationship you've established with your partner/husband?, it means a lot that you agree with me about that.  💛

[basil67]

Thanks GFA.  But to flip it around a bit, my partner never been the kind of man who's into wooing, or chasing and stuff and I know this is important to you.  He and I were very much 50/50 effort early on.   So on one side, him being laid back (and that attitude brushing off on me) has helped make for a very calm relationship.  But if a woman wants a guy who's a 'go getter' in relationships, he wouldn't be her type.  

 

 

Edited December 20, 2021 by basil67

[Lotsgoingon]

Hmmmmm ... I'm not sure I make the distinction in my head. I mean my passionate starts all ultimately led to something more peaceful. On second thought I haven't had the argumentative passionate relationship. But I'm aware of those relationships and those can absolutely be chaos. One reason the passion is there in those argumentative is because they argue a lot and get their feelings out. 

But look, I am content with passionate times and moments from a partner I feel peace with. I don't need 24-hour tension. What good is that? What kind of life is that? 

On thinking past to a past lover, I am not sure i trust those thoughts. We tend to always romanticize (pun unintended) a past relationship that haunts us. We focus on the good parts. There is a reason those relationships broke up and that reason is probably still there. 

If I were to say I had a love of my life, it was a woman who got me better than anybody ever got me, certainly including parents and siblings. I could go see her in a terrible mood, and I knew within a short period of time, she would have the words and perspective for me to feel better. And she wasn't just doing the "It's going to OK" cheery thing. She would coldly look at a situation, see how I contributed to it (if I did) or why something really upset me and then she'd not blame me for my own part. She see my upset as part of the way I was--somewhere beyond guilt and innocence. 

That woman haunts me because I have never found someone else that I could say, "I feel like dirt right now. If I go to see x, I know I'll feel better."

BTW: this woman was stunningly beautiful but our passion was so so--not out of this world. But the deep connection part of sex, OMG with this woman, the connection was really deep .

Anyway, just some thoughts.

Overall, the benefit of passionate conflict-ridden relationships does not come close to the peace of other relationships with people that you are genuinely attracted to.  Just being understood by someone who treats you well AND who you enjoy treating well--who is fun to look at--that's a tough combination to beat. Of course, it helps if the two people can work together on budgets and values and some in-common activities. Over time, that practical stuff, or problems with attending to the practical stuff, can really take the passion out of those wild passionate relationshis. 

 

 

 

 

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, Girl Fade Away said:

So to place all of our trust in our partner is essentially saying I think they are perfect, would do no wrong to me and never hurt me.

Am I wrong to think and feel this way? 

Like Billy Joel said in Tell Her About It... When you love someone, You're always insecure, And there's only one good way, To reassure. 

Insecurity, or fear of losing something valuable, is not the same as trust. Trust is believing in someone, their intention, integrity, ethics, character. It also doesn't mean perfection, it doesn't mean you're protected. The only way to guarantee you'll never be hurt is to never allow yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is being brave enough to love, and being brave is not absence of fear, it's knowing the risk and moving forward anyway. They're related, but not the same. Trust usually develops over time, whereas vulnerability is needed to even get the ball rolling.

Edited December 20, 2021 by salparadise

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Don't mean to make things complicated, but can we ever fully trust our partners?  Isn't a lot of it simply based on hope and faith? 

Of course we can fully trust our partners. Doesn’t mean they can’t break that trust though. I fully trust my wife. Not to say she isn’t capable of hurting me, cheating on me etc. We’re all capable. But her actions (and those of other women I’ve had stable relationships with) certainly don’t raise any flags if any kind. On the other hand the actions of the women in my intense relationships did raise all sorts of flags. 
 

But that I think is the key to maintaining the intensity. After the initial hormones early relationship rush, the lack of trust would keep me obsessing even though that would be a horrible feeling and cause the rollercoaster to crash, something then would happen and I’d temporarily forget about those flags and feel more secure which would shoot the rollercoaster higher again, only inevitably to crash again when those behaviors showed themselves again. Highs and lows. And the key feature was a lack of trust.

[Lotsgoingon]

I wouldn't think of dating anyone I couldn't trust--let alone marry someone I can't trust. 

Half of the fun is trust. Knowing you're with a good person who is loyal to you, has high morals and lots of emotional strength. Part of this is assessing the person's interest in me. Lukewarm interest is a bad sign, but I try not to get involved if I see signs of lukewarm interest. Also the person should be pretty available. 

Now, trust doesn't mean I close my eyes. If there is odd evidence that pops in front of me, then I can ask questions and think critically. And same on the other side. If I say I'm going to be at X place at Y time, and my partner calls and I'm not an X place and I come up with some flimsy reason and if later I give a DIFFERENT reason my schedule supposedly changed, then red flag--she should investigate and get curious--same with me.  Have that happen two or three times, absolutely you turn up the distrust. 

Trust doesn't mean blindness. Trust doesn't mean we ignore inconsistent or changing stories and explanations. 

 

Edited December 20, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Girl Fade Away]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Thanks GFA.  But to flip it around a bit, my partner never been the kind of man who's into wooing, or chasing and stuff and I know this is important to you.  He and I were very much 50/50 effort early on.   So on one side, him being laid back (and that attitude brushing off on me) has helped make for a very calm relationship.  But if a woman wants a guy who's a 'go getter' in relationships, he wouldn't be her type.  

 

Fair enough basil but want to clarify, I am not so much into "wooing" like with flowers or elaborate dinners out or anything like that.  I actually cannot stand that, I find it contrived. 

Not into men 'chasing' me either because that suggests I'm running away and he needs to chase me to catch me.  

But for the first few dates, I do like him to initiate and plan the date and I reciprocate, for example my last boyfriend, I invited him for dinner at mine on the 4th date. 

Once it's established we like each other and regularly dating it becomes 50/50 giving and receiving in different ways.

Our relationship was a bit turbulent, my last somewhat serious before him was same and my boyfriend before him which was the longest and my most serious (we were engaged), was, in retrospect, unhealthy and toxic! 

He was jealous and possessive while at the same time needing his own 'space' and I acquiesced to all of it like.a "good little submissive." 

I've come a long way since then!!!

 

Edited December 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

What I meant by not fully trusting is this:

I DO have trust in our connection and  also our love if it gets to that point.  What I do NOT fully trust is that he won't hurt me. 

It doesn't control me or how I behave but there is a part of me that feels that way and keep to myself.  

I also DO understand the difference between vulnerability and trust, and agree allowing oneself to be vulnerable is necessary.  This I have no problem with, in fact sometimes I feel I am too open and vulnerable but my boyfriends have appreciated and valued me for it.  

I don't know, it's all so confusing, still sorting it out. 

What you have basil sounds ideal, and I am super happy that you have found what you need in a long term partner!  

Edited December 20, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Our relationship was a bit turbulent, my last before him was same and my boyfriend before him which was the longest and my most serious, was, in retrospect, unhealthy and toxic!  He was jealous and possessive while at the same time needing his own space and I acquiesced to all of it like.a "good little submissive." 

 

If you don't mind me asking, what do you think the reasons are that each of these relationships were turbulent? Did there happen to be any that were more calm in nature?

Sometimes, after dating the same person for such a long time, and pouring so much love into it, we don't want to leave, so we come up with more excuses to stay. We repeat the same patterns after ending one relationship; when we move on to the next, any new relationship that isn't turbulent feels "not quite right."

 

 

 

 

 

[Girl Fade Away]

Alpaca, good question and will have to think on it but at first blush, in retrospect I will own much of it was probably me not truly knowing myself or what I truly wanted.  A lot of push and pull from me, not intentionally but rather a byproduct of not understanding myself. 

I read a post from another poster yesterday on the Catfish thread (not sure if I'm allowed to reveal poster's name) that was poignant, stating she/he had stopped dating a few years ago after his last relationship, to figure out what he truly wanted and did not want in a potential partner.

And that being single and appreciating that has been what he needed.  

I haven't stopped thinking about that since I read it! 

 

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, Girl Fade Away said:

Alpaca, good question and will have to think on it but at first blush, in retrospect I will own much of it was probably me not truly knowing myself or what I truly wanted.  A lot of push and pull from me, not intentionally but rather a byproduct of not understanding myself. 

Well, if you were young (and I'm guessing you were) how could you be expected to truly know yourself especially as a young adult.

Occasionally, I feel as though dating young has its downsides.

Of course, that's not true for everyone.

Broadly speaking - our younger years are so heavily devoted to finding a romantic partner or being in a relationship...how much time do we spend seeking ourselves?

[Lotsgoingon]

Dating young absolutely has its downsides!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can be around some young people in their 20s who are dating and in five minutes I can tell who likes who more based on body language. I remember being in my 20s and taking a gf to meet a woman mentor-colleague of mine (who had lots of maternal instincts towards me). We hung out for an evening an an arts show or something.

The next time I see this mentor she says to me, "Well she's into you. But I can't what you're feeling." I was astounded because I assumed I was acting like a committed bf. I was polite and friendly with my gf. We're not talking arguments or me criticizing her. I enjoyed the show. But there is subtle but obvious body language that an older person can spot that a younger person can't.  This mentor was right--but I didn't want to admit that she was right.

So let's jump ahead and I'm hanging with a kid I'm mentoring and with his gf. We hang out an hour maybe hour and a half at a cafe. Later with my mentee alone, I told my him, "she's ready to marry you."  And I was right. Now I knew my mentee was conflicted from interacting with him. But I didn't know her. My mentee said yes, she would marry him tomorrow if he agreed to it. He was shocked that I could reach that conclusion based on an hour and a half cafe meetup. I keep using the term body language, but I'm not even sure what I tuned into in figuring out my mentee's gf was totally into him. And I'm not sure what my mentor-colleague tuned into when she noticed I wasn't into my gf. Enthusiasm, how much you smile at the other partner. How attentively you listen to the other partner. Tone of voice--and other signals as well. (This makes me think we should all bring in a third party to just watch the body language of our dates. Without even hearing the conversation, they could probably judge well what's going on.)

Now aging doesn't necessarily mean smartness, especially when it comes to our own relationships.  But we can use experience to our advantage--for one, not totally trusting infatuation. Just start there. Another is knowing that as much as you don't want to face a problem, you have to--because we don't live in a fairytale where problems magically disappear. Speaking for myself, I can separate more from my heart and turn to my head. Not easy, but I can do it. Didn't cross my mind to even try to do this as a young person. 

 

Edited December 20, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

What I meant by not fully trusting is this:

I DO have trust in our connection and  also our love if it gets to that point.  What I do NOT fully trust is that he won't hurt me. 

This is a big part of it (successful relationships in general).

The reason I say this is that vulnerability with a partner stems from a sense of safety and is dependent on a certain level of emotional safety.

Having a partner who can always feel safe, either physically or emotionally, is a major part of that.

Respected men bring out the best in you and make you feel welcome, protected, and safe at every turn and vice versa.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Girl Fade Away said:

I DO have trust in our connection and  also our love if it gets to that point.  What I do NOT fully trust is that he won't hurt me. 

It doesn't control me or how I behave but there is a part of me that feels that way and keep to myself.  

So you don’t trust him. And of course that impacts your behavior. Of course if you’ve never trusted a man, you’d see your behavior as “normal”. And technically it would be your normal. Just not healthy.