How to forgive myself

[Roxie86]

I am 35 years old right now. I spent 6 years with someone who destroyed my self worth and it ended when i was 26. I felt very numb, angry toward people who found love, and tried to regain my power in strange ways.

I began sleeping with an attached man.

I got involved with this guy and quickly realized how well he treated me and how attentive he was - because he didn't want to get caught.

Following this a had affairs with a few married men, but stopped in 2017 when I started dating someone.

I am disgusted with myself now. I have learned and will never behave this way again, but am having a difficult time forgiving myself. Now when bad things happen to me, I feel like it's my karmatic punishment. Moreover, I feel unworthy of a good, kind man.

Any words of encouragement?

Edited December 20, 2021 by Roxie86

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

You must forgive yourself and live your best life. You have already recognized your past errors and are committed to not repeating them.
 

Have you considered speaking with a therapist who can help you learn how to forgive yourself? I also think a therapist could help you learn to value yourself and not do destructive things in reaction to negative experiences.

In life, we all make mistakes and do things we later regret. We can’t turn back time and undo them.  You certainly do deserve a kind and nice partner in life. The longer you keep the tape of negative thinking cycling through your mind, the harder it will be to live your best life.

I am no expert in any of this but wish you all the best. A new year is upon us and I truly hope you can leave the guilt behind you and some professional help can’t hurt.
 

[glows]

Do you still feel numb and angry? I was the same as you when my marriage ended (at time of separation). It’s the most helpless feeling in the world. I second therapy if you’re finding you need a extra eye and an extra ear into what’s going on. Only you know the root of those fears, angers and the pain you felt in those years in that relationship. Don’t be afraid to share it and give that anger and pain a place with guidance from those qualified to help you. Don’t keep it inside. 

There is no time like the present. You only have one life to live and there are no re-dos. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Roxie86 said:

Following this a had affairs with a few married men, but stopped in 2017 when I started dating someone.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

Work on that aspect and why there's  so much armor around you.

[pepperbird2]

13 hours ago, Roxie86 said:

I am 35 years old right now. I spent 6 years with someone who destroyed my self worth and it ended when i was 26. I felt very numb, angry toward people who found love, and tried to regain my power in strange ways.

I began sleeping with an attached man.

I got involved with this guy and quickly realized how well he treated me and how attentive he was - because he didn't want to get caught.

Following this a had affairs with a few married men, but stopped in 2017 when I started dating someone.

I am disgusted with myself now. I have learned and will never behave this way again, but am having a difficult time forgiving myself. Now when bad things happen to me, I feel like it's my karmatic punishment. Moreover, I feel unworthy of a good, kind man.

Any words of encouragement?

Sounds to me like you're punishing yourself. Who does that help?

Gently, your guilt doesn't erase what you did. Nothing can, and that's okay. To me, it sounds like you have learned a lot about yourself and have made some very positive changes. It also sounds like it wasn't easy-facing you demons never is, I guess. I think it takes a lot of courage to do that. You could try considering that self exploration to be a "penance" of sorts. You've learned from your past and are moving on to bigger and better things.

[Daliah]

14 hours ago, Roxie86 said:

I am 35 years old right now. I spent 6 years with someone who destroyed my self worth and it ended when i was 26. I felt very numb, angry toward people who found love, and tried to regain my power in strange ways.

I began sleeping with an attached man.

I got involved with this guy and quickly realized how well he treated me and how attentive he was - because he didn't want to get caught.

Following this a had affairs with a few married men, but stopped in 2017 when I started dating someone.

I am disgusted with myself now. I have learned and will never behave this way again, but am having a difficult time forgiving myself. Now when bad things happen to me, I feel like it's my karmatic punishment. Moreover, I feel unworthy of a good, kind man.

Any words of encouragement?

Bravo Roxie…sometimes it takes a lightbulb moment to realise that you’re responsible for your own moral compass, and understanding the damage we cause not only to ourselves but to others is a bit of an epiphany isn’t it?

What has gone before is now a stain on your life tapestry, but it’s HISTORY. I’m so pleased to hear that you’ve found your true value and will never put yourself in a position that compromises your ethics and boundaries again. That’s quite profound and I applaud you.  

I believe  forgiving yourself comes with what you learn about yourself and how you address the things that lead you to believe yourself unworthy of a good man. A good man will see your TRUE value, and so will you, in time, and perhaps with a little guidance. Start there my lovely.

I had a brief affair with  someone’s husband until I had my ‘lightbulb’ moment when I saw through his horse manure and FULLY comprehended what the consequences of my involvement with this vile man meant. I was shagging this man behind his wife’s back. Disrespecting a woman I didn’t even know, disrespecting myself, and compromising my values for a man SO unworthy of EITHER of us.

you’re on the journey back to who you really are. Stay on that path and celebrate your life!

 

 

[BaileyB]

I tend to look at life in that, none of us would be the people we are today without the experiences we have had in our lives - good, bad, or otherwise. In that way, no experience is ever “wasted” - if we use it to bring us to a better place. In another way, if you can find gratitude for the experience and the lesson that it has taught you - perhaps that will help to deal with the remorse. 

The only regret would be if you failed to learn the lesson. 

Edited December 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[SouthernIslander]

Learning from your mistakes so you don’t repeat it is the best way to start forgiving yourself.  It’s the people who show no remorse or feel entitled to married men that I have the least respect for.   

So how you feel is actually a good thing because a lot of people sorely lack self accountability but don’t wallow in it.  Forgive yourself and move on.  

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, Roxie86 said:

I am disgusted with myself now. I have learned and will never behave this way again, but am having a difficult time forgiving myself. Now when bad things happen to me, I feel like it's my karmatic punishment. Moreover, I feel unworthy of a good, kind man.

Any words of encouragement?

If you look at the actual realities of the world, karma only makes sense in the context of belief in past lives. "Into each life some rain must fall" - but some lives will get sprinkles and others get hurricanes. There is truth to the idea that some people cause extra problems for themselves, but overall it will often have very little to do with "how nice a person they are". It's not the lily's fault it was born in a desert where it can only wither and die, and "good person" is always a subjective assessment.

So you don't need to worry too much about karma. What will be, will be.

Edited December 21, 2021 by mark clemson

[vla1120]

17 hours ago, Roxie86 said:

Moreover, I feel unworthy of a good, kind man.

This statement is concerning to me. Have you sought therapy? You have to forgive yourself and realize you ARE worthy of a good, kind man. None of your affair partners were good, kind men. Otherwise, they would not have been cheating on their wives, so that is not where you want to set the bar. I hope you seek counseling first to ensure you have forgiven yourself before you embark on any relationships to make sure you are in a good mindset to select a man who is worthy of you. Hugs. 

[pepperbird2]

op,

you've got a whole group of people on here who think you should forgive yourself. some are ow/om and there's even some BS adding their two cents.
I hope you listen to us.

[stillafool]

Were you here before with this issue?  It sounds familiar.

[JeremyDeeming]

better talk to a psychologist several times

[Lotsgoingon]

Stop all the self-disgust and go to a therapist and more neutrally figure out the origins of your pain and acting out.

Hint: the bad relationship is NOT the trigger to the way you're acting. There was something going on inside of you before the bad relationship. People have bad relationships all the time. They don't therefore go sleep with married people.

Get to a therapist. It's likely that all your harsh self-criticism is blocking you from any real insight about the source of your pain. You need to fix that pain so you don't have to act out.

Another hint: the more harshly you criticize yourself, the more you risk making sex with married people more tempting and kinky--and irresistable.