Asking for a break

[firststep]

I'm new here. Been in a relationship for coming 4 years. 

Recently I don't feel happy anymore with my SO. I feel like the bottom of his priority list.

He's gotten a new job recently, which requires him to work alot harder than his previous job.

I tried to be very understanding about the lack of spending of time together but I feel like I am compromising alot of my own happiness by being this way.

We hardly meet each other anymore (and to be frank he still does go out with his friends and do his favorite sports weekly), but in the last 1 month i dare say we hardly had any quality time together. 

The texts have also waned, he replies me every few hours or so (claims he's busy but i've seen him on social media which I didn't even want to question again because previously he said it was his "down time through a busy day".)

It's just that I feel he does everything else but prioritize me. 

When we meet, he's loving and all, but when we are apart (Which is at least 95% of the entire week), I just get scraps which makes me very unhappy.

I still love him, but I am starting to feel this isn't good for my mental health. 

I want to ask him for a break (or break up). I just need some advice on how to do it.

Thank you. 

Edited December 21, 2021 by firststep

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't bother with a break. With the amount of time you two spend apart, you're virtually on a break now anyway. 

It seems he's lost interest in the relationship but doesn't quite have the courage to break up with you. Perhaps he is hoping you will do it. In any event, it's not fair to you to continue this way when it appears he's checked out. 

I would read the writing on the wall and go your separate ways before you suffer any more heartache. 

 

[glows]

Do you avoid confrontation a lot? What stood out to me is that you “try to be understanding” but yet you’re very upset on the inside. Have you communicated clearly what you need in the relationship? Ie one or two dates a week, meaningful time together.

Mind you, you may like a partner who just gets it but relationships take work. Bouncing from extremes of nice nice and then a break all of a sudden is extreme. 

Breaks are ultimatums and usually shake a relationship, doing more damage than individuals realize. It shatters trust and doesn’t fix communication issues. If you can’t stand him be kind to the both of you and end it for good. Set yourself free to find someone else whom you’re more compatible with.

[firststep]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't bother with a break. With the amount of time you two spend apart, you're virtually on a break now anyway. 

It seems he's lost interest in the relationship but doesn't quite have the courage to break up with you. Perhaps he is hoping you will do it. In any event, it's not fair to you to continue this way when it appears he's checked out. 

I would read the writing on the wall and go your separate ways before you suffer any more heartache. 

 

Thank you for your response. 

Yes, perhaps he doesn't have the courage to do it. 

I do intend to ask for the break up, but not too sure how to approach it. 

[firststep]

30 minutes ago, glows said:

Do you avoid confrontation a lot? What stood out to me is that you “try to be understanding” but yet you’re very upset on the inside. Have you communicated clearly what you need in the relationship? Ie one or two dates a week, meaningful time together.

Mind you, you may like a partner who just gets it but relationships take work. Bouncing from extremes of nice nice and then a break all of a sudden is extreme. 

Breaks are ultimatums and usually shake a relationship, doing more damage than individuals realize. It shatters trust and doesn’t fix communication issues. If you can’t stand him be kind to the both of you and end it for good. Set yourself free to find someone else whom you’re more compatible with.

Thanks for your reply too.

No, actually I like to "confront" the issues at hand. But i think I may have already brought up this matter many times, and it's always been the case of "I wish you could understand I have been really stressed out..." or "It's not that I don't want to spend time with you, but I really am very very stressed". 

I don't wanna bring it up anymore because he knows, but won't do anything about spending quality time with me. I told him that even if he can't spend too much time with me, just texting me more frequently would help alleviate the distance, but nothing has been done. 

I still love him very dearly, which is why asking him to end it is difficult. But I genuinely don't feel like i am asking for too much, maybe just asking the wrong person. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, firststep said:

Thanks for your reply too.

No, actually I like to "confront" the issues at hand. But i think I may have already brought up this matter many times, and it's always been the case of "I wish you could understand I have been really stressed out..." or "It's not that I don't want to spend time with you, but I really am very very stressed". 

I don't wanna bring it up anymore because he knows, but won't do anything about spending quality time with me. I told him that even if he can't spend too much time with me, just texting me more frequently would help alleviate the distance, but nothing has been done. 

I still love him very dearly, which is why asking him to end it is difficult. But I genuinely don't feel like i am asking for too much, maybe just asking the wrong person. 

I’m sorry to hear this. In that case, don’t ask him for anything else. Don’t wait for someone else to give you that. You don’t need his permission and you don’t need to ask someone to end a relationship. Have courage. 

I would end it telling him you appreciate knowing him for these years and will cherish the memories but you don’t see a future with him. Keep it short and to the point. Don’t drag out any past issues. It’s not a debate or an opportunity to air it all out. Move forwards then.

[firststep]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m sorry to hear this. In that case, don’t ask him for anything else. Don’t wait for someone else to give you that. You don’t need his permission and you don’t need to ask someone to end a relationship. Have courage. 

I would end it telling him you appreciate knowing him for these years and will cherish the memories but you don’t see a future with him. Keep it short and to the point. Don’t drag out any past issues. It’s not a debate or an opportunity to air it all out. Move forwards then.

Should this be done face to face or it would be okay with a text message? 

 

[glows]

9 minutes ago, firststep said:

Should this be done face to face or it would be okay with a text message? 

 

That’s up to you to determine. He seems difficult to get a hold of in person or wilfully avoids you. Try not to let logistics stand in the way of getting a point across in order to move on and find happiness. 

[firststep]

Just now, glows said:

That’s up to you to determine. He seems difficult to get a hold of in person or wilfully avoids you. Try not to let logistics stand in the way of getting a point across in order to move on and find happiness. 

I'm going to meet him tomorrow for dinner. I'll bring it up then. It's gonna hurt so badly, but oh well.

Thank you glows, thanks for the listening ear. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, firststep said:

I still love him, but I am starting to feel this isn't good for my mental health.

Sorry this is happening. You don't need his permission or agreement to do what's right for you since you are this unhappy and he seems checked out of the relationship.

Asking for a break won't modify his behavior, since you have talked to him about many times to no avail. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, firststep said:

I'm going to meet him tomorrow for dinner. I'll bring it up then

Yes, I would do this in person. 

It will hurt, but no more than being in a relationship by yourself. 

 

[notbroken]

A 'break' is just a practice breakup that prolongs the pain.  Either be 'all in' or 'all out'.  Seems he won't let you be 'all in'.   It isn't easy of course but seems you need to break up.  Going 'half in/half out' doesn't seem helpful. 

 

[Boobita]

11 hours ago, firststep said:

I'm new here. Been in a relationship for coming 4 years. 

Recently I don't feel happy anymore with my SO. I feel like the bottom of his priority list.

He's gotten a new job recently, which requires him to work alot harder than his previous job.

I tried to be very understanding about the lack of spending of time together but I feel like I am compromising alot of my own happiness by being this way.

We hardly meet each other anymore (and to be frank he still does go out with his friends and do his favorite sports weekly), but in the last 1 month i dare say we hardly had any quality time together. 

The texts have also waned, he replies me every few hours or so (claims he's busy but i've seen him on social media which I didn't even want to question again because previously he said it was his "down time through a busy day".)

It's just that I feel he does everything else but prioritize me. 

When we meet, he's loving and all, but when we are apart (Which is at least 95% of the entire week), I just get scraps which makes me very unhappy.

I still love him, but I am starting to feel this isn't good for my mental health. 

I want to ask him for a break (or break up). I just need some advice on how to do it.

Thank you. 

I will suggest to stay by his side. He is working hard, money is important for life. He may be the right person to share your life with. I think you should get engaged in some fun activity, reading, may be find a job or something. Don't worry too much.

[jdesey]

as others have said....  you really are on a break.  This guy is not making your relationship a priority,  like still going out weekly with his guy friends. 

I know it sucks, but possibly give an ultimatum or just move on.

[stillafool]

49 minutes ago, Boobita said:

He is working hard, money is important for life.

Yes but he still uses his free time to be with his friends and not with OP who is supposed to be his gf.  Plus doesn't text her either.  

[petee]

It is definitely time to walk. Don’t get me wrong, it could reignite quite a while from now, with that lightbulb moment, but more likely it has just run it’s course. If there’s no spark, so to speak, the engine doesn’t run.

Edited December 21, 2021 by petee

[Lauriebell82]

I'm kind of in your situation as well. Also a 4 year relationship. I laid down the law and told him I thought about a a break or a break up. He basically has zero plans to break up with me but doesn't really want to change anything either. He's kind of of the mindset he is fine with the status quo. Which of course sucks. 

So what I did today was discuss a break with him and what that would entail. We did not make the final decision, but I'm pretty sure that's what we are going to do. I was always of the mindset that breaks don't really work, however in researching it I did pose the "break" to him like we would be taking extra time for ourselves but keeping in contact. Agreed not to see other people, given that's not our purpose. 

My suggestion is that if you plan to want to see other people then just break up. Or if you are using the "break" as a way to avoid the pain of a break up. I kind of am of that mindset as well, I don't want to break up with my boyfriend completely, HOWEVER I acknowledge that a break could in fact lead to a a breakup. But I know we can't go on the way we are. So it's up to you and what you feel your purpose is. Do you feel this relationship is worth saving? More importantly do you BOTH feel that way? If so then a break may work. But if not then breaking up may be the smarter (albeit more painful) option. Good luck, I know exactly how you feel! 

[firststep]

On 12/21/2021 at 6:57 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You don't need his permission or agreement to do what's right for you since you are this unhappy and he seems checked out of the relationship.

Asking for a break won't modify his behavior, since you have talked to him about many times to no avail. 

Sometimes I just wonder why I put myself through this.

One moment i feel strong enough to just end this, and the next I feel like the thought of moving on without him hurts so much.

 

[firststep]

On 12/21/2021 at 8:28 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I would do this in person. 

It will hurt, but no more than being in a relationship by yourself. 

 

I didn't get a chance to talk. The night we were supposed to meet, something cropped up with our mutual friend and we spend the evening with her instead. 
He's going away back to visit his family for Christmas and we won't be seeing each other till way after Christmas. Sigh.

 

[firststep]

On 12/21/2021 at 10:10 PM, notbroken said:

A 'break' is just a practice breakup that prolongs the pain.  Either be 'all in' or 'all out'.  Seems he won't let you be 'all in'.   It isn't easy of course but seems you need to break up.  Going 'half in/half out' doesn't seem helpful. 

 

Thanks notbroken, it's really tough for me. I won't lie. But it feels so hard to have to make the decision to end things.

[firststep]

On 12/22/2021 at 1:07 AM, jdesey said:

as others have said....  you really are on a break.  This guy is not making your relationship a priority,  like still going out weekly with his guy friends. 

I know it sucks, but possibly give an ultimatum or just move on.

What other ultimatum can I give? 
I feel like I'm at my wits end. I just feel torn because I know I have to end this.. but i love him so much it really hurts.

[firststep]

On 12/22/2021 at 5:56 AM, petee said:

It is definitely time to walk. Don’t get me wrong, it could reignite quite a while from now, with that lightbulb moment, but more likely it has just run it’s course. If there’s no spark, so to speak, the engine doesn’t run.

I don't know if i would say there's no spark, we still are very loving when we are together.

But when we are apart... there's just no effort.

[firststep]

14 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

I'm kind of in your situation as well. Also a 4 year relationship. I laid down the law and told him I thought about a a break or a break up. He basically has zero plans to break up with me but doesn't really want to change anything either. He's kind of of the mindset he is fine with the status quo. Which of course sucks. 

So what I did today was discuss a break with him and what that would entail. We did not make the final decision, but I'm pretty sure that's what we are going to do. I was always of the mindset that breaks don't really work, however in researching it I did pose the "break" to him like we would be taking extra time for ourselves but keeping in contact. Agreed not to see other people, given that's not our purpose. 

My suggestion is that if you plan to want to see other people then just break up. Or if you are using the "break" as a way to avoid the pain of a break up. I kind of am of that mindset as well, I don't want to break up with my boyfriend completely, HOWEVER I acknowledge that a break could in fact lead to a a breakup. But I know we can't go on the way we are. So it's up to you and what you feel your purpose is. Do you feel this relationship is worth saving? More importantly do you BOTH feel that way? If so then a break may work. But if not then breaking up may be the smarter (albeit more painful) option. Good luck, I know exactly how you feel! 

How did your conversation with go regarding the break? 

I want to save the relationship, but i know i can't be the only one who does. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but of cos he's not doing anything to keep me either. 

I'm sorry you are going through the same thing too. It really sucks. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, firststep said:

One moment i feel strong enough to just end this, and the next I feel like the thought of moving on without him hurts so much.

That's ok. At some point the pain of staying will exceed the pain of leaving so eventually you'll be ready to focus on your own happiness and end things.

[firststep]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. At some point the pain of staying will exceed the pain of leaving so eventually you'll be ready to focus on your own happiness and end things.

Thanks Wiseman2. That’s why I feel so conflicted cos there are times I wonder why I’m with someone when I feel so lonely when I have a SO, but then in all honesty, the thought of ending things also hurt so much. I just want to reach a point when it will stop hurting one way or the other.