Asking for a break

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, firststep said:

I didn't get a chance to talk. The night we were supposed to meet, something cropped up with our mutual friend and we spend the evening with her instead. 
He's going away back to visit his family for Christmas and we won't be seeing each other till way after Christmas. Sigh.

Wait! So you won't get to spend any alone time together until way after Christmas? That doesn't sound good. Was whatever cropped up with your mutual friend an emergency of sorts? And whose idea was it to spend the evening with her: his, yours, or both of yours?

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this relationship is basically already over, OP.

His behaviour is not that of a man who really cares whether or not he has you in his life. 

[stillafool]

As long as you are too afraid to take a stand for what you need and want you will continue to feel as you do.  Sometimes you have to have the courage to let someone go before they ultimately do it to you.  This guy is very lukewarm about you which leaves him open for another girl.  I think if there's a break up here it will be done by him.

[Lauriebell82]

On 12/23/2021 at 7:57 AM, firststep said:

How did your conversation with go regarding the break? 

I want to save the relationship, but i know i can't be the only one who does. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but of cos he's not doing anything to keep me either. 

I'm sorry you are going through the same thing too. It really sucks. 

The conversation regarding the break was very hard. We talked about logistics, but we didn't actually finalize anything. We had originally decided to wait until after the holidays to figure anything out since we already had made plans to host his daughter and her boyfriend and we didn't want to spoil that. 

So when my boyfriend got to my house yesterday we sat down and had a very serious talk. We both agreed we didn't want a break or break up and we would feel empty without each other. But we both acknowledge that something has to change so we don't keep both feeling like we have been and having the same arguments. So we had a very deep discussion and talked through a number of solutions about how to resolve it. Coupled with how to put a plan in motion for prevention and what we EACH are going to do in order to make this work. Our relationship works extremely well except for this one issue that we are facing (too complicated to explain here and I don't want to hijack your thread). It went really well and I am feeling very positive!

My advice to you is if neither of you wants a break or break up then you really need to do what my boyfriend and I did. But it honestly has to come from both of you. It can't be you telling him he has to do all these things to change and him not agreeing OR you telling him all these things to change and him even agreeing..it has to be more of a team effort. It has to be the TWO of you working together to come up with solutions and putting a plan in place as a joint effort. I feel like that is really the only way to move forward with this. It takes two! 

[Boobita]

On 12/21/2021 at 10:59 PM, stillafool said:

Yes but he still uses his free time to be with his friends and not with OP who is supposed to be his gf.  Plus doesn't text her either.  

hm, okay....

[firststep]

Do you stay in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t want to marry you just yet? 
 

im struggling with this right now. Been together nearly 4 years. We’ve talked about marriage but he often says not yet.. 

I want more, (I’m not obsessed with marriage but it would definitely be great to get married. I don’t need kids I would want them but they’re not a must right) but he says he’s not ready to settle down. He doesn’t know when he’s ready. 
 

after 4 years.. shouldn’t he know? 

I know eventually I want to get married but the question I have “would it be better to stay status quo and have him?” Or “move on and find someone else”

thank you for your kind advices  

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, firststep said:

Been together nearly 4 years. We’ve talked about marriage but he often says not yet..  but he says he’s not ready to settle down. He doesn’t know when he’s ready. 

Sorry this is happening. Are you living together? You don't see to have the same goals and values.

Is this the same man?:

 

Edited March 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Johnjohnson2017]

Depends on your ages. Men can be in their thirties and still have a good chance to have kids. Women's chances to have children diminishes as they age. Does he want kids? Are you ok with having kids while not married? 

Many people are in a serious long term relationship without being married. Even married people break up. There are married men who act single (cheat). Is he trustworthy? 

He should know by now whether he considers you marriage material. I'm not sure why he is stalling with marriage, maybe it's a financial issue. Weddings cost a lot of money... as a married couple, you would need to share bank accounts/expenses etc. You have to ask him specifically why he doesn't want to get married now (or ever).

[stillafool]

Yes after 4 years he should know if he sees marriage in the future with you.  Truth is he probably does know but doesn't want to hurt your feelings and tell you the answer.  I've known women who waited for years for a guy to propose who didn't.  After they broke those guys quickly married the next younger woman who came along.  I wouldn't wait if I were you.

Edited March 1, 2022 by stillafool

[Starswillshine]

It depends on ages and why he doesn't want to get married just yet. 

My fiance and i have put off getting married for a couple of years so that 1) he could clear all his student loan debts and other debts and 2) i could finish my degree and get a career started. 

Both goals are a couple of months from being met!!!!! 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, firststep said:

Do you stay in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t want to marry you just yet? 
 

im struggling with this right now. Been together nearly 4 years. We’ve talked about marriage but he often says not yet.. 

I want more, (I’m not obsessed with marriage but it would definitely be great to get married. I don’t need kids I would want them but they’re not a must right) but he says he’s not ready to settle down. He doesn’t know when he’s ready. 
 

after 4 years.. shouldn’t he know? 

I know eventually I want to get married but the question I have “would it be better to stay status quo and have him?” Or “move on and find someone else”

thank you for your kind advices  

 

A very good friend of mine experienced the same thing with her now-husband, except it had been FIVE years.  We were both on another site at the time and the consensus was that he would never marry her and she should dump him.

I advised her to stop nagging him about, and simply love and accept him.  Her nagging him about it (which is how HE interpreted her wanting to discuss ad nauseum) did nothing to help the situation.

She took my advice and a year later he proposed and they married the following Spring, it was a beautiful wedding!

It's been three years and they are extremely happy, she just had a little baby girl!  And they bought a new house and moving to Colorado.

My brother and his wife didn't marry for ten years, they lived together however.

Still married.

That said, every situation is different.  With both my friend and my brother, they had very good relationships other than the fact my friend's husband and my brother were not ready for marriage (mostly for financial reasons although I realize that may just have been an excuse) but that did not mean they did not love their girlfriends.  They did, very much, but for one reason or another weren't ready to take that big step.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

Edited March 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[firststep]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you living together? You don't see to have the same goals and values.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes it is the same person. Since that post we have been better. He has made more effort in the relationship.

no we are not living together, as culturally it’s not accepted. 

[firststep]

7 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

Depends on your ages. Men can be in their thirties and still have a good chance to have kids. Women's chances to have children diminishes as they age. Does he want kids? Are you ok with having kids while not married? 

Many people are in a serious long term relationship without being married. Even married people break up. There are married men who act single (cheat). Is he trustworthy? 

He should know by now whether he considers you marriage material. I'm not sure why he is stalling with marriage, maybe it's a financial issue. Weddings cost a lot of money... as a married couple, you would need to share bank accounts/expenses etc. You have to ask him specifically why he doesn't want to get married now (or ever).

We are in our 30s. He’s okay with not having kids either. And yes I’m okay with not having kids in our marriage. 

in our 4 years together, I don’t think I’ve ever doubted his fidelity. Maybe just more of prioritising things above me. Like work and friends. But I think (I say this word because I can never be fully sure) that he’s been faithful to me. 
 

so I have asked and he just said he wants to marry me. But just not yet. He’s stabilising his career and also thinks that he’s just not ready now. 

[firststep]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yes after 4 years he should know if he sees marriage in the future with you.  Truth is he probably does know but doesn't want to hurt your feelings and tell you the answer.  I've known women who waited for years for a guy to propose who didn't.  After they broke those guys quickly married the next younger woman who came along.  I wouldn't wait if I were you.

Thanks stillafool. I guess that’s my dilemma. Cos I love him and just wondered if it was better to lose him totally just for a “status”. I have days. Some days it’s okay to be unmarried but still have this. Some days it’s not. 
 

thanks for your advice.

[firststep]

7 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

It depends on ages and why he doesn't want to get married just yet. 

My fiance and i have put off getting married for a couple of years so that 1) he could clear all his student loan debts and other debts and 2) i could finish my degree and get a career started. 

Both goals are a couple of months from being met!!!!! 

I’m happy for you! Just a few more months.

[firststep]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

A very good friend of mine experienced the same thing with her now-husband, except it had been FIVE years.  We were both on another site at the time and the consensus was that he would never marry her and she should dump him.

I advised her to stop nagging him about, and simply love and accept him.  Her nagging him about it (which is how HE interpreted her wanting to discuss ad nauseum) did nothing to help the situation.

She took my advice and a year later he proposed and they married the following Spring, it was a beautiful wedding!

It's been three years and they are extremely happy, she just had a little baby girl!  And they bought a new house and moving to Colorado.

My brother and his wife didn't marry for ten years, they lived together however.

Still married.

That said, every situation is different.  With both my friend and my brother, they had very good relationships other than the fact my friend's husband and my brother were not ready for marriage (mostly for financial reasons although I realize that may just have been an excuse) but that did not mean they did not love their girlfriends.  They did, very much, but for one reason or another weren't ready to take that big step.

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

Thanks Poppy. I appreciate the reply. What changed though when she didn’t nag? Did she still behave the same way to him after she stopped nagging? 

[poppyfields]

58 minutes ago, firststep said:

Thanks Poppy. I appreciate the reply. What changed though when she didn’t nag? Did she still behave the same way to him after she stopped nagging? 

I am not quite sure what you're asking but what happened was her entire attitude changed.   I am not actually a fan of marriage however I do believe in love and commitment (from the heart) and I had discussed with her simply loving and accepting him for how much he was giving her (emotionally which was A LOT) and that what was important was the beautiful close relationship they had established and their commitment to each other (from their hearts).

Once her attitude changed and she stopped nagging him about it, the pressure was off (for him) which was a big part of why he had been so hesitant.  No one like to feel pressured to do anything including getting married, which was how he felt when she would continually bring it up.

So she just stopped mentioning it.  Like it didn't matter anymore, all that mattered was that they were together.  And she truly felt that way, she wasn't pretending.  Like I said her entire attitude and mindset changed.

I actually talked to him and this was huge for him because sometimes I think men believe women want the wedding and marriage more than they want HIM.  And there are women like that too, women who don't care who they marry they just want to get married!

So a part of him had been questioning that.   Whether getting married was more important to her than their love for each other and simply being together.

Once she stopped nagging (pressuring) he began to truly feel how much she really did love him, and that is when he proposed.

He actually made a grand scene, down on one knee at a restaurant with the ring, it came as a total surprise to her and of course she was thrilled!!

And the rest is history.

I saw her and her husband recently, with their new baby daughter, she is only 2 months old and so precious!!   

They are just all so happy now, moving to Colorado, and when I think that she was at one time considering ending it all because he wasn't ready to marry on her timetable, it just makes me really happy that she didn't! ❤️

 

Edited March 2, 2022 by poppyfields

[firststep]

12 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am not quite sure what you're asking but what happened was her entire attitude changed.   I am not actually a fan of marriage however I do believe in love and commitment (from the heart) and I had discussed with her simply loving and accepting him for how much he was giving her (emotionally which was A LOT) and that what was important was the beautiful close relationship they had established and their commitment to each other (from their hearts).

Once her attitude changed and she stopped nagging him about it, the pressure was off (for him) which was a big part of why he had been so hesitant.  No one like to feel pressured to do anything including getting married, which was how he felt when she would continually bring it up.

So she just stopped mentioning it.  Like it didn't matter anymore, all that mattered was that they were together.  And she truly felt that way, she wasn't pretending.  Like I said her entire attitude and mindset changed.

I actually talked to him and this was huge for him because sometimes I think men believe women want the wedding and marriage more than they want HIM.  And there are women like that too, women who don't care who they marry they just want to get married!

So a part of him had been questioning that.   Whether getting married was more important to her than their love for each other and simply being together.

Once she stopped nagging (pressuring) he began to truly feel how much she really did love him, and that is when he proposed.

He actually made a grand scene, down on one knee at a restaurant with the ring, it came as a total surprise to her and of course she was thrilled!!

And the rest is history.

I saw her and her husband recently, with their new baby daughter, she is only 2 months old and so precious!!   

They are just all so happy now, moving to Colorado, and when I think that she was at one time considering ending it all because he wasn't ready to marry on her timetable, it just makes me really happy that she didn't! ❤️

 

Wow, what a beautiful story Poppy! It's so heart warming to know "someone" made it and saw the silver lining.

I hope I can reach that state of mind too, eventually. Because it's a real mixture of emotions for me now, most days I'm okay, some days I'm not. 

I've contemplated leaving him but also can't imagine myself without him. 

[NuevoYorko]

 

After 4 years, you really need to come to a place of acceptance that this guy may well never "be ready" to marry you.   

Are you prepared to stay with him without marriage, should that be the outcome?

If it won't be,  I'm sorry to say this, but you need to break up.   

 

[firststep]

41 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

 

After 4 years, you really need to come to a place of acceptance that this guy may well never "be ready" to marry you.   

Are you prepared to stay with him without marriage, should that be the outcome?

If it won't be,  I'm sorry to say this, but you need to break up.   

 

Thanks NuevoYorko. 
 

I guess that’s my struggle right now. I know I eventually want to marry him and settle down together. But I don’t know if I am ready to lose him completely because he doesn’t want to marry me (which I don’t know if it’s a deal breaker or not. )

[NuevoYorko]

If you're not ready, you're not ready.    Same goes for him.  

Do you have any ideas about what could potentially change for him that would make him suddenly feel ready to marry you?  Four years is a significant amount of time; I'm not sure what type of new information he might find later.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

 

After 4 years, you really need to come to a place of acceptance that this guy may well never "be ready" to marry you.   

Are you prepared to stay with him without marriage, should that be the outcome?

If it won't be,  I'm sorry to say this, but you need to break up.  

@firststep, this^ was actually the decision my friend was faced with - accepting that they may never be married but loving him and being happy in the relationship regardless. 

That's what I meant when I said her entire attitude and mindset changed. Marriage was no longer that important, being together was.

And once that happened, ironically her boyfriend, now husband's attitude changed; it was what he needed to push him over the fence towards marriage. 

Not saying that all men are like him, I've read stories like @stillafoolposted about women "hanging in" for years and years and their boyfriends never married them.

You have to judge for yourself what's the best situation for you. 

Good luck!

 

Edited March 2, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, firststep said:

no we are not living together, as culturally it’s not accepted. 

Good you are not living together. This makes it less complicated to cut your losses and find a man who wants what you want.

Since marriage is important to you and he is just coasting along wasting your time for 4 years, it may be time to reflect on how to achieve your goals.

[Starswillshine]

10 hours ago, firststep said:

I’m happy for you! Just a few more months.

Thank you!!! We have been together for awhile. But both of us are in our 40s. I have been married before (was a SAHM hence why I don't have a career yet). 

We are engaged now (a couple of months now), but still another year off from actually getting married. But we both had timeliness to know that we couldn't get married for these x amount of years. But both of us had reasons. 

If finances are a reason for him, that could be fair. 

[poppyfields]

@firststepI think also, much of this is about trust. 

He says he does want to marry you, just not right now, he's not ready for whatever reasons.

Do you believe him?  Do you trust, based on what you know of him and your experiences together, that he's being honest about that?

In my friend's case, they had a great relationship and she DID trust him, she trusted he was telling the truth - he just wasn't ready and again her nagging and pressuring wasn't helping him come to a decision. 

So it's really your call, no one else's.  No one knows him or your relationship but you. 

In any event, even if you choose to leave, your four years together shouldn't (imo) be considered a waste of time or that he wasted your time. 

Hopefully you learned something valuable from your experience together that you can take with you into your next relationship even if the outcome of this one wasn't what you hoped.