Sunnysideup5555 Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 I used to live in the Philippines. I moved to the United States to be with my husband. My family still lives in the Philippines and is far away from me. I only see them once in a few years. They finally came to someplace closer to the states for a vacation. So I told my husband we should come visit them. He refused telling me how he doesn't wanna spend time with my family and doesn't wanna spend money (about $1000) to see them. I went to see them by myself. Never buy any gifts for them for any of their birthdays or anniversaries as my husband is very strict with money. So when I saw my family, decided to spend $300 for a nice lunch and dinner. Then my husband makes a big deal out of this! I have a full time job and have my own money. And again he makes a big deal out of this saying how he will never forget the time I spent money on my family. Is this fair at all??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnysideup5555 Posted December 21, 2021 Author Share Posted December 21, 2021 I used to live in the Philippines. I moved to the United States to be with my husband. My family still lives in the Philippines and is far away from me. I only see them once in a few years. They finally came to someplace closer to the states for a vacation. So I told my husband we should come visit them. He refused telling me how he doesn't wanna spend time with my family and doesn't wanna spend money (about $1000) to see them. I went to see them by myself. Never buy any gifts for them for any of their birthdays or anniversaries as my husband is very strict with money. So when I saw my family, decided to spend $300 for a nice lunch and dinner. Then my husband makes a big deal out of this! I have a full time job and have my own money. And again he makes a big deal out of this saying how he will never forget the time I spent money on my family. Is this fair at all??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnysideup5555 Posted December 21, 2021 Author Share Posted December 21, 2021 I used to live in the Philippines. I moved to the United States to be with my husband. My family still lives in the Philippines and is far away from me. I only see them once in a few years. They finally came to someplace closer to the states for a vacation. So I told my husband we should come visit them. He refused telling me how he doesn't wanna spend time with my family and doesn't wanna spend money (about $1000) to see them. I went to see them by myself. Never buy any gifts for them for any of their birthdays or anniversaries as my husband is very strict with money. So when I saw my family, decided to spend $300 for a nice lunch and dinner. Then my husband makes a big deal out of this! I have a full time job and have my own money. And again he makes a big deal out of this saying how he will never forget the time I spent money on my family. Is this fair at all??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnysideup5555 Posted December 21, 2021 Author Share Posted December 21, 2021 I used to live in the Philippines. I moved to the United States to be with my husband. My family still lives in the Philippines and is far away from me. I only see them once in a few years. They finally came to someplace closer to the states for a vacation. So I told my husband we should come visit them. He refused telling me how he doesn't wanna spend time with my family and doesn't wanna spend money (about $1000) to see them. I went to see them by myself. Never buy any gifts for them for any of their birthdays or anniversaries as my husband is very strict with money. So when I saw my family, decided to spend $300 for a nice lunch and dinner. Then my husband makes a big deal out of this! I have a full time job and have my own money. And again he makes a big deal out of this saying how he will never forget the time I spent money on my family. Is this fair at all??? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 (edited) That’s hard to say with the limited info. You’re describing him as a cruel person but there’s not much background on your finances aside from you working full time. Are there other issues in your marriage? Do you both struggle paying mortgage/rent or bills or debts? Have you discussed any of this with him? You moved quite far to be with him so it’s natural for you to miss your family and want to do anything possible to see them or reunite. Do the both of you have prior agreements on how you spend for special occasions? Did he disagree to meet your family due to Covid risks or health complications? Edited December 21, 2021 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnysideup5555 Posted December 21, 2021 Author Share Posted December 21, 2021 Hi glow, Thank you for your response. We both work full time. Our finances are stable that we are on our way to retire early. I've been wanting to treat my family since I rarely see them and never give them anything on any special occasions. We agreed to talk first regarding what to spend on special occasions. Before I came to visit my family, he had already told me my budget. I followed the budget and even spent lesser than the budget allotted. But then he changed his mind upon knowing that I spent some money on my family. He is ok with me spending money on anything for myself. But doesn't want me to spend for other people. He says he didn't wanna go due to covid risk, but he also says he won't enjoy being around them. I went for a few days trip just to see them. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 You should be able to see your family. It does not seem reasonable that you can't. Keep some of your own money so you can spend it any way you like - including seeing your family. Honestly, you should tell your husband you will be seeing your family occasionally like almost every human does and do not want to be given any grief about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 If you have a full-time job and this is an occasional spend, I think it's completely unreasonable for your husband to throw a fuss about it. Quote We agreed to talk first regarding what to spend on special occasions. Before I came to visit my family, he had already told me my budget. Why are you setting a bad precedent by allowing him to unilaterally "tell you" what your budget is, when you earn your own money? It's okay for couples to set a budget for things like meals out, but firstly it should be discussed TOGETHER (not just one person "telling" the other), and secondly it should apply both ways, i.e. he is held to the exact same budget as you are. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 11 hours ago, ellamsn said: I have a full time job and have my own money. And again he makes a big deal out of this saying how he will never forget the time I spent money on my family. Is this fair at all??? In my opinion no, it's not fair at all, particularly if you earn the money yourself. Your husband sounds overly controlling to me. Unless your family is actually "toxic"/problematic somehow (it doesn't sound like they are), cutting a partner off from their family is NOT (IMO) a sign of a healthy, positive relationship/marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 11 hours ago, ellamsn said: I used to live in the Philippines. I moved to the United States to be with my husband. My family still lives in the Philippines and is far away from me. I only see them once in a few years. They finally came to someplace closer to the states for a vacation. So I told my husband we should come visit them. He refused telling me how he doesn't wanna spend time with my family and doesn't wanna spend money (about $1000) to see them. I went to see them by myself. Never buy any gifts for them for any of their birthdays or anniversaries as my husband is very strict with money. So when I saw my family, decided to spend $300 for a nice lunch and dinner. Then my husband makes a big deal out of this! I have a full time job and have my own money. And again he makes a big deal out of this saying how he will never forget the time I spent money on my family. Is this fair at all??? He sounds a bit controlling with the money you make. If he doesn't want to spend time with your family, that's fine. That's on him, but he doesn't then have the right to tell you what you are allowed to do (or not do) with your family! It was reasonable for you to want to treat your family since you do not send them gifts. I understand couples wanting to negotiate and agree upon a budget, but it sounds to me like he TOLD you what you are allowed to spend with your family. So the answer is NO, that is not fair at all. If this is the only time he is/has been this controlling or having a tantrum over money, I wouldn't dwell on it too much. However, if this is a pattern, or if he continues to hold this over your head, then you need to put your foot down on the subject. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted December 21, 2021 Share Posted December 21, 2021 16 hours ago, Sunnysideup5555 said: I used to live in the Philippines. I moved to the United States to be with my husband. My family still lives in the Philippines and is far away from me. I only see them once in a few years. They finally came to someplace closer to the states for a vacation. So I told my husband we should come visit them. He refused telling me how he doesn't wanna spend time with my family and doesn't wanna spend money (about $1000) to see them. I went to see them by myself. Never buy any gifts for them for any of their birthdays or anniversaries as my husband is very strict with money. So when I saw my family, decided to spend $300 for a nice lunch and dinner. Then my husband makes a big deal out of this! I have a full time job and have my own money. And again he makes a big deal out of this saying how he will never forget the time I spent money on my family. Is this fair at all??? No, it is not fair and your husband is selfish and inconsiderate. He does not appear to care about you or your family. Any loving husband would not be happy that you are missing out on your family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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