Not falling in love after 5 months, won't give up?

[rosean]

I (31F) have been in a relationship with a great man (34M) for almost 6 months. It started during lockdown and communication on both ends has been really bad due to fear, cautiousness and simply liking each other so much that neither of us wanted to ruin how good it was between us. We only spoke about feelings after 3 months however there were sparks and an incredible connection from the get go.

Recently, he revealed for the past month he had been feeling down and had a 'block' where he felt he wasn't falling in love with me, but that there was love there, he cared for me more than anyone, loved being with me and thought we were very compatible... 

He said he doesn't feel excitement as much because of how he's feeling, and doesn't have butterflies when he sees me. As you can imagine it was very distressing hearing this.

I thought it was over until he cried and cried saying he didn't want to give up on us. We discussed the communication issues and the little things we didn't do out of fear.  We've both recently been working on these and it's gotten better although I wanted some advice from anyone who has had a similar experience in a new relationship. We've agreed to go on a break but there were a few times where I suggested we go our seperate ways only for him to get upset and cry, and for me to want to keep trying.

 

I feel I deserve to be with someone who is sure of their feelings... I love this guy and want to make it work without devaluing myself and my need for certainty.

 

If it's relevant, he was in a 7 year relationship that ended almost 2 years ago with his ex leaving him very suddenly for someone else. He insists he is over it and ready for a relationship but has recently been questioning himself. 

Edited December 23, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, rosean said:

 he revealed for the past month he had been feeling down and had a 'block' where he felt he wasn't falling in love with me.

Sorry this is happening. He's being manipulative and stringing you along.

Don't stay in a situationship that is demoralizing. Reflect if 'not feeling it' is something you want to put up with.

Set yourselves free. End it. Let him figure out his confusion and "butterflies" on his own time.

[elaine567]

At 5 months he isn't feeling it. He told you about it so it is an actual problem for him.
You are now "on a break" for him to get used to you not being around.
As soon he feels better about it and he can get over the crying, he will dump you for real.

I guess despite the time frame, you are the rebound.
He now realises you are not "the one"  but is struggling with actually letting you go.
Not because he loves you but because of the comfort thing - the attention, the companionship, the emotional support, the sex...  
He likely enjoys the here and now, but he doesn't see a future.
It is always difficult to let go of someone who loves you... and he doesn't like doing it hence the  mixed messages.

 

[rosean]

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

At 5 months he isn't feeling it. He told you about it so it is an actual problem for him.
You are now "on a break" for him to get used to you not being around.
As soon he feels better about it and he can get over the crying, he will dump you for real.

I guess despite the time frame, you are the rebound.
He now realises you are not "the one"  but is struggling with actually letting you go.
Not because he loves you but because of the comfort thing - the attention, the companionship, the emotional support, the sex...  
He likely enjoys the here and now, but he doesn't see a future.
It is always difficult to let go of someone who loves you... and he doesn't like doing it hence the  mixed messages.

 

When I suggested ending it and taking extended time apart he got upset... but I also caved in and wanted to try because i'm hopeful. He has been seeing a therapist to understand this 'block' but I'm not expecting a sudden revelation on why he hit a wall with his feelings. 

He said a few times he saw a future with me and this is what's keeping me hopeful. I agree with all the other parts about the comfort and companionship... things I am holding onto as well if I'm being honest. I have been wondering if the way it all started meant it was doomed to fail... (bad comms, not being open, holding back out of fear etc)... 

[ExpatInItaly]

When someone needs therapy to get over a “block” after just 5 months….it isn’t going to work.

He shouldn’t need to convince himself to be with you. Too many hang-ups and red flags here, OP. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He shouldn’t need to convince himself to be with you. Too many hang-ups and red flags here, OP. 

I agree.  TBH, at 5 months this should be the honeymoon period in your relationship where you're both seeing stars.  He is comparing his feelings for you to his feelings for his cheating ex and that is why he doesn't feel in love with you, but has love for you.  I don't see this changing and you should protect your heart and now wait for his feeling to catch up with yours.

[glows]

He may have unrealistic romantic ideals. I have to really question when a person needs butterflies to validate their decision to be with someone. It’s too frivolous for me. 

Decide what makes you happy and go out and pursue it. Keep things simple. I agree with you that you ought to be with someone who is as sure as you are about the relationship. 

[rosean]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When someone needs therapy to get over a “block” after just 5 months….it isn’t going to work.

He shouldn’t need to convince himself to be with you. Too many hang-ups and red flags here, OP. 

You're right, and whatever is 'blocking' him is something I can't answer for him. I feel he has to find what he wants and understand himself... I can't force it.

I think the lack of openness and communication from the start has dented this relationship, not to mention he kept me at arms length for the first few months out of caution/fear... so maybe this was all doomed.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, rosean said:

I think the lack of openness and communication from the start has dented this relationship, not to mention he kept me at arms length for the first few months out of caution/fear... so maybe this was all doomed.

I think so. It doesn't sound like he's ever really been that into this. Whatever is causing that is irrevelant, at the end of the day.

Time to part ways. 

[rosean]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think so. It doesn't sound like he's ever really been that into this. Whatever is causing that is irrevelant, at the end of the day.

Time to part ways. 

no, he definitely has been. He's been very thoughtful and honestly the greatest partner, going above and beyond. We both made al ot of mistakes but at the end of the day I am sure of my feelings and only he can work his ones out on his own.

Thanks for your advice

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, rosean said:

no, he definitely has been. He's been very thoughtful and honestly the greatest partner, going above and beyond. We both made al ot of mistakes but at the end of the day I am sure of my feelings and only he can work his ones out on his own.

I meant that he’s not emotionally invested the way you are. 

Someone can be kind and thoughtful without being willing to really open up and go deeper. 

[rosean]

28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I meant that he’s not emotionally invested the way you are. 

Someone can be kind and thoughtful without being willing to really open up and go deeper. 

You're right, he wasn't and said it was out of fear. I held back too because of bad experiences but not as much as he did. It's his first relationship since his 7 year one ended. We've both improved dramatically in our communication since we last spoke about our feelings and it's brought us closer, just not sure if this is tarnished beyond repair in the immediate future at least

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, rosean said:

it's brought us closer,

You are now on a break...

[rosean]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You are now on a break...

As of 5 days ago. He shared his feelings a few weeks before and we identified very openly what had gone wrong in our relationship.

[elaine567]

15 minutes ago, rosean said:

As of 5 days ago. He shared his feelings a few weeks before and we identified very openly what had gone wrong in our relationship.

I think you felt it brought things to a head and  brought you closer. 
I don't think he felt the same.
"Women" in general love to discuss the ins and outs of relationship, "men" in general don't.
The "relationship" talk may have been the death knell.  

[rosean]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think you felt it brought things to a head and  brought you closer. 
I don't think he felt the same.
"Women" in general love to discuss the ins and outs of relationship, "men" in general don't.
The "relationship" talk may have been the death knell.  

Ah, I see what you mean. I don't think it did just that but it did make him feel pressured and he said he felt 'trapped' when I kept asking for answers so I backed off to respect his wishes before making it worse. Had he not told me that I probably would have been relentless.

[ShyViolet]

If a guy who I was dating for 6 months told me that he "is not falling in love with me" and doesn't feel butterflies when he sees me, that would absolutely be my cue to exit stage left.  I would feel so insulted and hurt, I wouldn't be able to keep dating that person.  I have too much pride to stay with someone who is ambivalent and not sure about me.  Absolutely not.  And then his reaction to having a conversation about it was to "cry and cry" and get upset.... that is just bizarre and this guy sounds like kind of a mess.  I would not walk, but run from this guy.

[stillafool]

On 12/22/2021 at 6:44 AM, rosean said:

and he said he felt 'trapped'

OMG I cringed when I read this.  You cannot even ask this guy a question without him feeling "trapped"; and he did feel like it was the 'relationship talk' that is why he said that.  I'm be gone.

[rosean]

22 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If a guy who I was dating for 6 months told me that he "is not falling in love with me" and doesn't feel butterflies when he sees me, that would absolutely be my cue to exit stage left.  I would feel so insulted and hurt, I wouldn't be able to keep dating that person.  I have too much pride to stay with someone who is ambivalent and not sure about me.  Absolutely not.  And then his reaction to having a conversation about it was to "cry and cry" and get upset.... that is just bizarre and this guy sounds like kind of a mess.  I would not walk, but run from this guy.

Yeah it was a real kick in the guts when he told me. But I also wasn't aware that butterflies were the norm after this many months... 

I guess we always have a degree of uncertainty no matter what but when it kicks in after 4/5 months of him saying I'm too good to be true, amazing, the woman he wants etc... it really hurts. 

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

OMG I cringed when I read this.  You cannot even ask this guy a question without him feeling "trapped"; and he did feel like it was the 'relationship talk' that is why he said that.  I'm be gone.

To give more context I asked my BF to do things with me, desperate to mend the relationship and he agreed to them all despite us initially agreeing to take space. 🤦🏻‍♀️
He told me he didn't want to hurt my feelings and just said yes to it all and just before we finally started our break he shared he felt trapped and pressured but understood why I was doing what I did. I told him he could always say no and that those feelings he was experiencing were on him. 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, rosean said:

Yeah it was a real kick in the guts when he told me. But I also wasn't aware that butterflies were the norm after this many months... 

Yes, "butterflies" are the norm when you've been dating someone 5-6 months.  That is the honeymoon period.  If he's not feeling butterflies and not sure about you after 5-6 months of dating then it's time to end it.  His hysterical behavior upon talking about the relationship is only adding more red flags to an already problematic situation.

[rosean]

10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Yes, "butterflies" are the norm when you've been dating someone 5-6 months.  That is the honeymoon period.  If he's not feeling butterflies and not sure about you after 5-6 months of dating then it's time to end it.  His hysterical behavior upon talking about the relationship is only adding more red flags to an already problematic situation.

Thanks. I've never had butterflies last longer than a month/two months or so, I suppose everyone is different! He felt excited/butterflies for around 4 months and suddenly 'lost it completely' but his 'feelings are still strong'. I always thought with a strong connection like that things naturally progressed into love... 

He hasn't been hysterical for the majority of our chats but he has said he felt pressured and didn't understand his feelings. Not my problem to fix this although he's trying really hard to work it out which is keeping me hopeful... although I'm also preparing myself for the worst.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, rosean said:

He told me he didn't want to hurt my feelings and just said yes to it all and just before we finally started our break he shared he felt trapped and pressured

All of this at just 5 months?

This is your sign that you two are not a match and there's not enough stable ground or mutual interest to keep going. As I said before, when he needs to convince himself to try to be with you when you're still this early into a relationship, it's a dead-end. 

[rosean]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All of this at just 5 months?

This is your sign that you two are not a match and there's not enough stable ground or mutual interest to keep going. As I said before, when he needs to convince himself to try to be with you when you're still this early into a relationship, it's a dead-end. 

the 'trapped' and 'pressured' comment came after we agreed to take a space from each other but I kept suggesting a few activities to do together. he just said yes to not hurt my feelings even though he wanted that space (we both caved in). 

It is a lot for 5 months but I don't think there's a formula to how relationships start based on my experience and how other ones I know have started. Regardless I feel more and more that I have to put myself first because his uncertainty doesn't suit me and crosses my boundaries. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, rosean said:

Regardless I feel more and more that I have to put myself first because his uncertainty doesn't suit me and crosses my boundaries. 

This is the most important - listen to your instinct here, and pay close attention to how all of this makes you feel. 

Let that be your guide in determining how feasible a relaitonship with man actually is. 

[ShyViolet]

On 12/23/2021 at 10:03 PM, rosean said:

Thanks. I've never had butterflies last longer than a month/two months or so, I suppose everyone is different! He felt excited/butterflies for around 4 months and suddenly 'lost it completely' but his 'feelings are still strong'. I always thought with a strong connection like that things naturally progressed into love... 

He hasn't been hysterical for the majority of our chats but he has said he felt pressured and didn't understand his feelings. Not my problem to fix this although he's trying really hard to work it out which is keeping me hopeful... although I'm also preparing myself for the worst.

 

 

A relationship shouldn't have this many problems only 5/6 months in.  As I said, that should be the middle of the honeymoon period where you're still walking on clouds and super happy together.  This relationship sounds like a mess.  Cut your losses.