My Ex is Such a Disappointment and a Lousy Father

[vla1120]

He has chosen his controlling, manipulative girlfriend (of eight years) over his daughters even though he said countless times no one nor anything could ever come between him and his daughters. Slowly, one by one, our daughters have stopped talking to him because he is a different person around her. They asked him if they could spend time with him alone, without her. That lasted one time, but then she insisted on being present when he sees them. He bad mouths me to them all the time, while I, in turn, only encourage them to have a relationship with their father. I never talk bad about him because he is their father, and he was a good one when they were growing up. He coached their teams, he read to them and with them as they were growing up, he taught them about tolerance and integrity, he even danced with them in their ballet productions. This is a man who used to get angry when he would see commercials that celebrated motherhood and would complain that a father is JUST as important in their children's lives.  But then, Thanksgiving went by without one word from him to them.

And so, I made one last attempt to talk some sense into him. I send a Christmas card to him and his girlfriend. The front of the card said "Christmas is about family." I wonder if he'll get the meaning. I also wrote a letter to him and his girlfriend. In the letter, I told her that if she really loved him as she says she does, that she would encourage him to have a relationship with his daughters, even if that meant she had to step aside and allow him a few hours a month alone with his daughters. I also told him that I know both of them are waiting for me to retire so he can have half my pension. She's never worked a day in her life and has always depended on men to take care of her. In fact, she will never marry my ex because that would mean losing her own ex-husband's pension payments, so they remain forever "engaged." I mentioned in the letter that it bothers me enough that HE is going to be living off my pension because he never took steps to plan for his retirement in the 32 years we were married. That responsibility was always left to me. It absolutely KILLS me that SHE is also going to be living off my hard earned pension. I know I shouldn't care about that, but I do. She is the antithesis of how I raised my daughters - to be independent and able to financially support themselves as well as any children they bring into this world. I detest her for coming between my daughters and their father, but I do blame him for being so weak.

And so, in closing the letter, I told him he has two years before I retire to figure this issue out and to start having a relationship with his daughters. Otherwise, I will either not retire, or I will retire, but defer collecting my pension until the last possible moment - the April after the year I turn 72 years old (according to the IRS), which is April 2033.  With him, money talks and this is the only way to get him to take action. If he wants my pension, he better mend fences with his daughters. I sent that letter right after Thanksgiving, when he did not reach out to them. In the letter, I mentioned that I hoped to hear he had made contact with our oldest on her birthday, which was December 17th. He did not reach out to her. I guess I shouldn't expect him to reach out to them on Christmas either. 

Some of you may say "Then they should reach out to him." No. They have always been the ones to reach out to him. He's the father. I expect more from him. They have gotten to the point that they are okay with not having contact with him, which really bothers me. I don't want my daughters to be estranged from their father. It hurts me to the core, probably because my own father left when I was 3 and I did not have contact with him for 57 years, until I reached out to him this last spring. I don't want that estrangement for my daughters. Having had cancer twice already, I suspect their father will outlive me and I want them to have someone to turn to when I am gone.

I feel very slightly guilty (but really not much) for holding my pension over his head. Maybe some think it is wrong for me to hold my pension over his head.  Who knows, maybe he can get a lawyer to sue me and force me to retire and allow him to collect my pension? Nothing would surprise me. Like I said, money talks. 

I am calling my therapist today to make an appointment because, clearly, I have to figure out how to get over this situation. Maybe I have some guilt because, if I hadn't divorced my husband, we'd all still be a family and he would still be involved with his daughters instead of being the gutless father he is, allowing a controlling woman to put a wedge between himself and his daughters. Maybe I am feeling this way because I was estranged from my own father until I reached out to HIM 57 years later. Who knows? 

OH! I forgot to mention one point. I now work in the same weather office where my ex has been working for the past 25 years. They needed another meteorological technician and, even though I haven't done that for 40 years since I left the Navy, I took the test, passed, and now work part time in the same office. His boss asked him to offer me the opportunity back when he was allowed to communicate with me (or was just emailing me without her knowledge.) She does not know I work there, and would have a bird if she knew. I told him that I'd feel better if she knew so there would be no secrets - especially since we never cross paths at work because he works nights during the week (when I have my day job) and I only work one shift per week on the weekend. I also told him that, if she has a problem with it, just tell her this is a way for me to make up part of the pension that she will be living off when I retire. I was worried that he would try to make me lose this second job in retaliation after he got my Christmas card. Ironically, something must have been said because the boss called me to tell me my history with my ex-husband will have no bearing on my job here, and asked me to let him know if I have any concerns. 

Thanks for reading my novel and allowing me to vent!

 

 

[glows]

I would think that the strong desire to have him play an active role in your daughters' lives does have something to do with your past with your father also. We can't make anyone be something more than what they already are unless we inspire them to. 

What do your daughters think of the letter you sent? 

[mark clemson]

I think there are some women (and some men as well) who are good at and make a point of driving a wedge between a divorced parent and their children for their own financial gain. I've seen it happen before to some folks I know. It's not easy to deal with when it happens.

I wish I had some advice for you on how to address this, but from the outside there is sometimes little one can do unfortunately if the person being "influenced" doesn't see through it or is "weak". If that's what is happening with your situation you have my sympathies.

[vla1120]

14 hours ago, glows said:

What do your daughters think of the letter you sent? 

They do not know I sent the letter. In fact, when we were talking about it on Thanksgiving (which is when I found out my third daughter had an argument with him about not having a relationship with the other two and now she too was not talking to him), they told me that I needed to stop trying to "fix" the situation (and then, I sent the letter anyways. Oops! LOL). They also told me that it shouldn't bother me if they do not talk to him since it doesn't bother them. My oldest told me the longer they go without speaking to him, the more comfortable they are with the situation. This letter really was my last attempt to try to reason with him. I spoke to my therapist yesterday and she definitely believes all of this has something to do with my own situation with my father. Growing up, at every milestone in my life (graduation, the Navy, marriage, childbirth, etc.) I used to remind myself that my father was the one missing out, but I know the pain that comes with that unshakable feeling that I simply was not important enough for him to be involved in my life. It's a horrible feeling and I guess I wanted to shield my girls from that feeling. I wonder if it is even worse for them, knowing he WAS such an integral part of their lives for so long, and now he is in the wind. For me, I never knew what I didn't have. For them, what they thought was a good father/daughter relationship was pulled out from under them, like a rug. Ugh.

[vla1120]

11 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I think there are some women (and some men as well) who are good at and make a point of driving a wedge between a divorced parent and their children for their own financial gain. I've seen it happen before to some folks I know. It's not easy to deal with when it happens.

I wish I had some advice for you on how to address this, but from the outside there is sometimes little one can do unfortunately if the person being "influenced" doesn't see through it or is "weak". If that's what is happening with your situation you have my sympathies.

Thank you. I think that's exactly what is happening and it frustrates me - maybe even moreso because this is a man who didn't take any crap from me for 32 years! On the other hand, I let him have his freedom (which wasn't mine to "give" in the first place) to go on his semi-annual golf trip with the guys, etc. She went with him on the first golf trip after we divorced. He has not been invited on one since and doesn't understand why his buddies "abandoned" him (it was always "understood" that it was a guys-only weekend). We used to have a joke in our house that if there was underwater table tennis on ESPN, we would be watching it in our house. That's how often we watched sports - any sport. He's only "allowed" to watch one sporting event per week on TV. He used to play Call of Duty as a stress reliever. He'd preorder the newest version every time it was released. He's not allowed to play video games, now, and had to get rid of his game console.

If anyone understands his situation, it's me. After our divorce, I was also involved with (and married) a very controlling man. However, when I could see he was trying to isolate me from my daughters and friends, I put my foot down and told him I would see my daughters when and where I wanted and he was no longer invited, if he was going to make it an issue. That's how I lived my double life for six years, until he passed. I spent time taking care of him, and also saw my daughters and friends when I wanted without him. My ex was always a strong, opinionated individual. I don't understand how he has completely given in to her control/influence and I REALLY don't understand why he is willing to give up a relationship with his daughters to keep her happy. I guess he is not as strong as I always thought he was.

[glows]

I’m glad you’re talking with your therapist about the way your father wasn’t there for you and also about the letter that was sent.

Your daughters have you to fight for them on their behalf and they see how upset you are. That may be a huge reason why they feel validated and can let go so easily of a father that no longer makes time for them. They see that change and dislike it in their father, wanting to distance themselves also. That’s a healthy reaction. They’re not constantly putting themselves in harm’s way around someone who can’t appreciate them.

Did you have someone do that for you? It seems your younger you didn’t have a voice or you were left behind trying to make sense of things on your own. It sounds extremely painful.

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Did you have someone do that for you? It seems your younger you didn’t have a voice or you were left behind trying to make sense of things on your own. It sounds extremely painful.

Well, @glows, you just made me cry a little. No. I did not have someone do that for me. I was left to my own devices, which is probably why I am so fiercely independent today. In fact, my daughter's boyfriend told her recently that the way I brought up my daughters, to work hard and advocate for themselves and not depend on ANYONE else but themselves, is toxic. Apparently, he believes that has made it difficult, if not impossible, for them to rely on anyone else in their life (except me...I've always made sure they know they can depend on ME.)

This is another topic I discussed with my therapist. She has told me it is likely that I sent my daughters some mixed messages by telling them, in reality, they can count on NO ONE but themselves in life - but then also acting as the over protective mama bear, circling my wagons around them during difficult times, trying to minimize their "wounds". However, I am very proud of how they turned out. They're all doing well in life (except relationships for the oldest and the youngest...apparently, I fell short in teaching them how to pick someone worthy of them.) Ahh motherhood...both the best and hardest things I have ever done.

[glows]

Your daughter’s boyfriend is quite rude and toxic himself. I’m not surprised if the relationship does not last if he feels intimidated by your daughter’s independence or strong will. 

Either way they seem like reasonable adults and well-able to speak up for themselves. As do you. Are you able to address your voice during that time in your childhood where you felt silenced or feeling helpless? I ask as may help let go also of your ex-h’s current behaviour towards your daughters. I don’t think anything will change him. He may look back one day in sudden and overwhelming regret but it’s no longer in your hands to change. 

[vla1120]

17 hours ago, glows said:

Are you able to address your voice during that time in your childhood where you felt silenced or feeling helpless?

I am working on this now because I know exactly how it came out in my parenting and my relationships with others. It's a little too late to do anything about the parenting mishaps, but if/when I am ever in a relationship with a man in the future, I'll know how to avoid toxicity and co-dependency. Thank you for you wise insight!

[vla1120]

Well, Christmas came and went for my daughters without any contact with their father. The oldest and the youngest are fine. They told me they don't want contact and every time their phone rings or they get a text, they cringe, afraid it is him. They don't want to be in contact because of the stress and toxicity. My middle daughter, however, was sad yesterday and today. She is a bit more sensitive and made the comment that this is the first time in their lives they did not have contact with their father on Christmas. 

I guess I held out hope that he would come to his senses and contact them. I thought he was a better man - maybe not for me. He proved that years ago, but I hoped he would be a better man for his daughters. 

[Blind-Sided]

8 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Well, Christmas came and went for my daughters without any contact with their father.......

I'm so sorry for this, and no kid should have to deal with this.   I understand the freedom I have when my kids are with their mother... and I don't call/txt my kids on the days I may not see them.  (I see my kids almost every day because of our situation)   But to not be there for your kids is just wrong. Family is everything, and they are the people you should look to when you need support.  I have a few thoughts on all this. 

1) You should never be bitter, or hostel when talking about your ex to your kids.  They can make their own conclusions about him.  But they don't need the burden of your stress on the situation.  In my case, my exW got cruel, and accused me of abuse. (went to the local abuse center and tried to get a protection order on me)  Because of this, my oldest didn't want anything to do with her mom. For about a year an a half, she wouldn't go visit.  It took all that time of me talking with my daughter saying she needed a relationship with her mother to finally get her to realize that... and now she has been hanging out with her mom for a while.   I know you don't like your exH... but your kids need their dad.  So, when they say they cringe... try to make them see the positive.  (even if it is hard for you)

2) Have you reached out to him about this? Yesterday would have been "My time" with my kids.... but I want them to always have access to their mother.   My youngest daughter (10) was a little weepy yesterday morning because "mom" wasn't there when we opened gifts.  But I had both of my kids at their mom's house by 11am so they could spend time with her. Our custody agreement is 50/50 and it is supposed to be a week on, week off situation. But I've told my oldest she can do whatever she wants... and I've told my youngest anytime she needs to see her mother... just tell me, and we can make it happen.  Maybe talk with your exH and try to get that situation in consideration. That way... your middle kid can see dad when she wants.   On that point... did you talk with your exH about seeing his kids on Christmas?  I know you are putting it back on him... but if it was "your time"... then maybe he just wanted to stay away. 

3) If you don't try to keep your kids happy with their father... this will lead to a life long issue.   In my life, I couldn't imagine not having a great relationship with my folks.  Last night, We had a nice Christmas dinner with my folks, bother, and his GF.  (no kids) And my GF and I were driving home from my folks house.  She made a comment about how nice it was, and how I'm able to joke with my folks about all kinds of things, and how calm and happy things were. She then tells me how any family event, with her family, would eventually have people yelling, and being mad at each other.  She also tells me that she has never felt this much love and acceptance in her life. (one reason she got divorced. she was with her exH for 7 years, and his family didn't like her) 

ANyway.... I know this isn't anything that can be fixed with one conversation with your exH, and will take time... but for the sake of the kids, you need to reach out, and try to get him to understand how important he is in his kid's lives. 

I wish you nothing but happiness and peace in moving forward. 

Edited December 26, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[vla1120]

On 12/26/2021 at 7:15 AM, Blind-Sided said:

I'm so sorry for this, and no kid should have to deal with this.   I understand the freedom I have when my kids are with their mother... and I don't call/txt my kids on the days I may not see them.  (I see my kids almost every day because of our situation)   But to not be there for your kids is just wrong. Family is everything, and they are the people you should look to when you need support.  I have a few thoughts on all this. 

1) You should never be bitter, or hostel when talking about your ex to your kids.  They can make their own conclusions about him.  But they don't need the burden of your stress on the situation.  In my case, my exW got cruel, and accused me of abuse. (went to the local abuse center and tried to get a protection order on me)  Because of this, my oldest didn't want anything to do with her mom. For about a year an a half, she wouldn't go visit.  It took all that time of me talking with my daughter saying she needed a relationship with her mother to finally get her to realize that... and now she has been hanging out with her mom for a while.   I know you don't like your exH... but your kids need their dad.  So, when they say they cringe... try to make them see the positive.  (even if it is hard for you)

I never speak ill of him to my girls. Someone taught me long ago that when you criticize the other parent, it's like telling your child you "hate" half of who they are. I have only ever encouraged them to have a relationship with him. In fact, he and his girlfriend bad mouth me every time the girls talk to them. I know this is one reason they have no desire to have contact with him even though I have told them it doesn't bother me at all. He can hate me all he wants. Just have a relationship with your daughters, for crying out loud!!

2) Have you reached out to him about this? Yesterday would have been "My time" with my kids.... but I want them to always have access to their mother.   My youngest daughter (10) was a little weepy yesterday morning because "mom" wasn't there when we opened gifts.  But I had both of my kids at their mom's house by 11am so they could spend time with her. Our custody agreement is 50/50 and it is supposed to be a week on, week off situation. But I've told my oldest she can do whatever she wants... and I've told my youngest anytime she needs to see her mother... just tell me, and we can make it happen.  Maybe talk with your exH and try to get that situation in consideration. That way... your middle kid can see dad when she wants.   On that point... did you talk with your exH about seeing his kids on Christmas?  I know you are putting it back on him... but if it was "your time"... then maybe he just wanted to stay away. 

He has me blocked on every social media account as well as having my phone and email accounts blocked. That is why I mailed the card and letter encouraging him to contact them. This is not really him. He allows her to control him (though the fact that he "allows" it speaks to the fact that it really IS him who needs to take action.) In my opinion, it is childish to block another adult on social media, their phone and email address. It would be one thing if I were a bothersome person, but I am not. I simply want to foster a good relationship between my daughters and the man who helped raise them and told them he would always be there for them.

3) If you don't try to keep your kids happy with their father... this will lead to a life long issue.   In my life, I couldn't imagine not having a great relationship with my folks.  Last night, We had a nice Christmas dinner with my folks, bother, and his GF.  (no kids) And my GF and I were driving home from my folks house.  She made a comment about how nice it was, and how I'm able to joke with my folks about all kinds of things, and how calm and happy things were. She then tells me how any family event, with her family, would eventually have people yelling, and being mad at each other.  She also tells me that she has never felt this much love and acceptance in her life. (one reason she got divorced. she was with her exH for 7 years, and his family didn't like her) 

Having been estranged from my own father for 57 years, I am well aware of the life long issues this can cause them. My own experiences in this area have certainly influenced my actions here, trying to get him to have a relationship with them. If it were not for his toxic, controlling girlfriend, he would have a relationship with them. I am VERY disappointed that he has allowed another human being - ANY other human being - to come between him and his daughters. 

ANyway.... I know this isn't anything that can be fixed with one conversation with your exH, and will take time... but for the sake of the kids, you need to reach out, and try to get him to understand how important he is in his kid's lives. 

I just learned last night that he did mail a birthday card to my oldest. She was mad. She felt it was a cop-out for him to simply mail a card. More importantly, it is signed by his girlfriend and my daughter feels it's like having his girlfriend sign the card first is rubbing in her face that his girlfriend will always take precedence over her and she was even more angry about that. I've tried to tell her it is a step forward and to see it as such. 

Ironically, they've been through this before, with me. I was with a man who tried to isolate me from my daughters, family and friends. The difference was that I recognized what he was doing and did not allow it. I stayed with him until the end because he was terminal, but I made it perfectly clear that he would not come between my daughters and me. I led two separate lives for 6 years - one with him, and the other with my daughters, seeing and spending time with them whenever I wanted, without his presence. That is what my husband needs to do, as well. Why is he not strong enough? 

I wish you nothing but happiness and peace in moving forward. 

Thank you.

@Blind-Sided I answered you in your thread above. Happy Holidays!!

Edited December 28, 2021 by vla1120

[vla1120]

A new development . . . As I stated, my ex and I both work at the same airport weather office, but our shifts are scheduled in a way that we never cross paths. However, we have someone out with COVID and I am covering this person's shifts for the next three days. Guess who will be relieving me at 10pm for the next three nights? 

Part of me wants to take this opportunity to have a talk with him about all of this. The other half thinks I should just do the shift change as usual and get out of here ASAP. The funny thing is his girlfriend has no idea I work here. He has to keep it a secret because of how she will react. I've told him to tell her this is a way for me to make up half the pension that SHE will be living off when I retire from my day job, so she should just accept it (if I ever decide to retire, depending on how/when/if he ever decides to acknowledge his daughters.)

I'll let you know how the shift change goes tonight!

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, vla1120 said:

 .I've told him to tell her this is a way for me to make up half the pension that SHE will be living off 

Sorry this is happening. Has your attorney, accountant and financial advisor outlined the specifics regarding division of marital assets and pension plans, retirement accounts, social security, etc.?

How would she, as just a GF, be entitled to divided marital assets?

Try to keep things impersonal and neutral and cordial. Your kids are adults, you're legally divorced, so there's nothing to communicate about.

Try to let go of the anger. It will just cause stress and premature aging and misery for you. Focus on your friends and family and health and happiness.

[spiderowl]

I'm truly sorry to hear what happened and how upsetting it must be that your daughters do not appear to have their fathers' support.

I expect you have already done this but I really think you should consult a lawyer about your pension and do your level best to prevent your ex getting it.  He does not sound very deserving and of course you do not want his girlfriend to benefit if she has been so destructive.

I can appreciate that you feel resentment towards him and his girlfriend; it's very understandable.  It does sound like one of those awful situations where his girlfriend is toxic.  If she does not appreciate that he and your daughters might need a relationship, then she is selfish, thoughtless and probably unempathic.  I doubt you will get anywhere with her by trying to make her feel any sense of obligation or guilt - unempathic people do not feel those emotions, they are lacking.  Whether you will get anywhere with your ex is another matter.

I am sorry you have had so much to deal with, with your own health and worrying about your daughters.  You have been the responsible one and must feel incredibly bitter that others who you dislike are likely to benefit, not you and your daughters.  I think all you can do is to encourage your ex to make contact with your daughters and leave them to make contact with him if they wish.  They may have had enough of the situation and do not want to spend time with her.  All you can do is to love them and let them make their own choices.  Your ex is responsible for any estrangement.  He sounds a weak man.

I know this all hurts and you must feel quite helpless as well as hurt and angry.  I am not sure what you can do about that.  I am more concerned about you.  You deserve some happiness.  I feel you need to be spending your time now on things that make you happy and fulfilled, not getting dragged into the mess your ex has created.  Love your girls and look after yourself: you are no longer responsible for what your ex does.  If he fails his daughters, they will know it was him and not you.

Hugs xxx

 

Edited January 5, 2022 by spiderowl