Should I end my relationship because of a psycho ex?

[ironpony]

My gf's ex has been stalking her and I have had this problem before in a previous long term relationship where a gf had an ex that did this, and it's really hard on me psychologically to have to put up with this again.  I don't know if I can do it again, but wonder, since this has happened twice now, is this a common baggage thing when dating someone usually and you just have to deal with it?  Or what do you think?  Am I giving up too easily and that's bad of me?  It's just the ex keeps popping up over and over now, and I feel like I am not getting a sense of a relationship in itself sometimes if that makes sense? 

What do you think?

[Ami1uwant]

Is this your interpretation or does she think it’s stalking.

[ironpony]

25 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Is this your interpretation or does she think it’s stalking.

He broke into her place twice and threatened her so it's stalking I would say.  He just won't leave her alone and I don't mean to come off as insensitive, but again, I have a really hard time dealing with this kind of drama in a relationship, for me psychologically.

[Ami1uwant]

15 minutes ago, ironpony said:

He broke into her place twice and threatened her so it's stalking I would say.  He just won't leave her alone and I don't mean to come off as insensitive, but again, I have a really hard time dealing with this kind of drama in a relationship, for me psychologically.

Is this current one or your prior gf?

[ironpony]

current.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, ironpony said:

He broke into her place twice and threatened her 

Did she contact the police? Does she have a restraining order against him? What you are describing is breaking and entering.

How does it affect you? Are you worried he'll come by when you are there?

Are you sure she's not still seeing him? How is it that he's there twice without calling the police?

[ExpatInItaly]

No, this is not normal baggage. 

This is criminal behaviour, actually. Did she call the police? 

[elaine567]

Is this  a new thing or has he always been around and "stalking" her, since you started dating?

[ironpony]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did she contact the police? Does she have a restraining order against him? What you are describing is breaking and entering.

How does it affect you? Are you worried he'll come by when you are there?

Are you sure she's not still seeing him? How is it that he's there twice without calling the police?

She called the police and reported it and the police went to talk to him and question him about it.  The police then called her back and told her they talked to him and hopefully he is scared off now.  But he broke in again a few hours later that night, and it didn't phase him.  I suggested a restraining order, and we are just waiting for the motions to turn in court on that.

I am not afraid of him per say directly, it's just I feel it's hard to deal with this drama all over again since another long term ex before had the same thing.  Is this a common thing in relationships and there is always another guy who is crazy, that is hard for the woman to shake?

Edited December 23, 2021 by ironpony

[ironpony]

15 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Is this  a new thing or has he always been around and "stalking" her, since you started dating?

He comes and goes.  There was more that he did, but I cannot go into it because when I did before in another OP, it was deleted.  Not that I mean to antagonize anyone here.  I want to respect the rules and not go into anything further if it was too out of order.  Perhaps I already explained too much, but want to respect the rules on here, and I apologize if I am out of line in going into this.

Edited December 23, 2021 by ironpony

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, ironpony said:

Is this a common thing in relationships and there is always another guy who is crazy, that is hard for the woman to shake?

No, it's not common. 

 

[ironpony]

Oh okay.  Well it's just the situation causes me stress.  For example, because of her ex threatening her, I came over to deal with it but this caused me to totally forget a job interview and it was a job I wanted that paid well.  I don't mean to sound insensitive to her, but I don't know if I can handle a relationship that will cause stress, and therefore cause distractions like this on a more normal basis, if that makes sense?

[Trail Blazer]

It's not normal at all, but does happen from time to time.  You seem to be unlucky having more than one girlfriend deal with this.  Either that, or you pick women with poor judgement.

At the end of the day, it's up to her to sort this out.  Sure, support her but you shouldn't be expected to deal with it all and make it go away.  She needs to contact the police if this persists.

 

[Estes]

On 12/22/2021 at 9:18 PM, ironpony said:

I suggested a restraining order, and we are just waiting for the motions to turn in court on that.

Restraining orders are immediate, it's not something that happens following a scheduled hearing on a court calendar a month or two down the road.

For obvious reasons.

[ironpony]

I don't know how the process works.  I advised her to ask a lawyer and she has to wait a few weeks for an appointment.  After that I assumed there would be a court date.  I don't know how to get them without asking a lawyer how it works.

[Calmandfocused]

I’m going to play Devil’s advocate here;

Are you 100% confident that your girlfriend is not communicating with this man in any way, shape or form? Is she ignoring/ not responding to any attempts at contact? Has she blocked him everywhere? Is she taking steps to actively stay away from him and avoid provoking him in any way? 
 

If the answer to any of the above questions is No then she might not be as innocent in this as you think. 
 

Ive experienced this a few times and usually they get bored after a while. However if they get the slightest hint that they are getting somewhere with their efforts, they will continue. 

However I agree with the others. Stalking in a criminal offence. She could report him again. The question is why hasn’t she? 

Edited December 24, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[ironpony]

7 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’m going to play Devil’s advocate here;

Are you 100% confident that your girlfriend is not communicating with this man in any way, shape or form? Is she ignoring/ not responding to any attempts at contact? Has she blocked him everywhere? Is she taking steps to actively stay away from him and avoid provoking him in any way? 
 

If the answer to any of the above questions is No then she might not be as innocent in this as you think. 
 

Ive experienced this a few times and usually they get bored after a while. However if they get the slightest hint that they are getting somewhere with their efforts, they will continue. 

However I agree with the others. Stalking in a criminal offence. She could report him again. The question is why hasn’t she? 

Oh yeah she's reported him. I didn't mean to make it seem like she didn't. But he's still not arrested if that's what you mean thinking because it's really his word against hers and he has the key to her place since they used to live together.

I do feel certain that there is no communication between them.

[smackie9]

 

You know what it's like to be involved with someone like this, so ask yourself....why are you doing it again? Have you not learned anything?

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, ironpony said:

he has the key to her place since they used to live together.

So he didn't break in, he just let himself in.
She needs to get her landlord to change the locks.

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

So he didn't break in, he just let himself in.
She needs to get her landlord to change the locks.

She changed the locks, but he is still stalking her though.

[elaine567]

Is he threatening her?

[ironpony]

Well... I posted before on another thread about what he did, out of frustration but the post got taken down saying I could not talk about that on here.  So I want to respect the rules of this forum and do not want to do anything out of line, so I don't think I could talk about it again, without the post being taken down, and risk being warned again for doing so.  I want to respect the rules.

[Alvi]

On 12/23/2021 at 5:20 PM, ironpony said:

Oh okay.  Well it's just the situation causes me stress.  For example, because of her ex threatening her, I came over to deal with it but this caused me to totally forget a job interview and it was a job I wanted that paid well.  I don't mean to sound insensitive to her, but I don't know if I can handle a relationship that will cause stress, and therefore cause distractions like this on a more normal basis, if that makes sense?

Please blame her or her crazy ex for your own screw ups. How on earth do you forget an important job interview? That is totally on you. You may choose to end things with her if her situation causes you too much stress but don't blame her for the things that are beyond her control. You not going for a job interview and as a result not getting a well paying job - not her fault. Her ex acting crazy and staling her - not her fault. Also, please understand, that she cannot control her ex or anything that he does. She did report him or so it's sounds. I can only imagine how scary and uncomfortable the whole situation with her ex must be for her.  Do encourage her to look into getting a restraining order as fast as possible or just leave if you think this is too much for you. 

 

[ironpony]

Oh I am not blaming her for me forgetting the job interview, I am just blaming the situation.  I blame the psycho ex and it's very taxing on me.  But the reason why I forgot the interview is because when she calls me and is crying about how he broke into her place, I became hugely concerned for her, and this caused me to forget.  But I blame the ex for all of this.  It's just very taxing on me.  I won't break up, I was just stressed out.

[mark clemson]

On 12/21/2021 at 1:56 PM, ironpony said:

He broke into her place twice and threatened her so it's stalking I would say.  He just won't leave her alone and I don't mean to come off as insensitive, but again, I have a really hard time dealing with this kind of drama in a relationship, for me psychologically.

IMO it wouldn't be crazy to leave, e.g. if you feel this person is a threat to your safety. Up to you of course.

BEFORE doing that (IF you were to do it), you should get her the support she needs, for example in the form of help going to law enforcement, getting a restraining order, and similar actions, possibly seeing a counselor or other expert on these matters for advice.

Then IMO it's "ok" to leave if you "don't want to deal with this stuff".  Be supportive + certainly none of this is her fault, but ultimately her problems are hers to deal with, just as yours are yours to deal with.