The love of my life has commitment issues. 3 times she has split up with me

[Musician]

Hi there,

Haven't really put anything on a forum like this before but would really like some advice or guidance on a situation I've been in with someone over the last 2 years or so. 

We were friends at first but it soon became apparent that we had a great connection. Anyways we dated for a month and a half and then she stopped it. I was upset but it's understandable and she said she couldn't commit. We carried on talking over the next few months and eventually I tried to move away from the situation as it was impacting on my mental health. Anyways she drove 2 hours to see me after a week of us not talking and declared she wanted to be with me and give a relationship a go. I was amazed but happy. We dated then for around 8 months. Obviously like any couple we had slight issues but we were growing and getting to know each other etc and during a pandemic it was tricky. She then decided she couldn't commit again and split up with me back in January this year. I was heartbroken but I tried to understand again her reasons and tried to remain a friend even though it was really hard. 

We had fall outs after the split up because I knew she loved me and wouldn't admit it. I had given up on any kind of relationship though until in August she rang me and said she missed me. She said as friends but didn't believe her unfortunately. Over the next month or so we became close again and she was moving to somewhere new. I went to visit her and she told me she loved me. But she wouldn't completely commit to me even though it felt like we were in a relationship. Basically we were in all but name but as I thought she might she split up with me again around a month and half ago. I've found it very hard since to control my emotions. I've tried walking away from the situation and I've tried being understanding again to her reasons for not wanting a relationship with me. At the moment we are not talking because I feel I pushed her too hard in a controlling way but I really don't know what to do now. I love the girl and she loves me (I think) and I am not sure how to deal with it. I've booked some therapy to help hopefully but it would be great to know if anyone on here has had a similar experience?

Thanks very much in advance :)

[FMW]

My experience with on/off relationships is that they don't have what it takes to go the distance.  Relationships that work require both parties to be interested and willing to hang in there and work things out.  She may love you in a way, but not the way that someone truly in love loves someone.  She wouldn't keep walking away and risking you finding someone else if her feelings for you were what yours appear to be for her.  If you keep taking her back, expect things to follow the same pattern you've had for the last two years.  

[glows]

Is this an affair, OP? Is one or are both of you married/in relationships or newly separated from a long term relationship? 

What were her reasons for not “committing”? I ask as it seems like there’s some transition period as she went back and forth changing her mind and she moved. You seem to have been an emotional crutch for her during a transition period and in the process things became convoluted and you lost all peace of mind in this rollercoaster. 

You did give it a shot however and dated her for eight months. August onwards is incredibly disrespectful to you. She continues to toy with you as a puppet on a string.

I think you provided her with a soft landing and you also provided her emotional support but she doesn’t feel the same way that you do for any number of reasons. As there’s little context we do not know why she behaves the way she does. I think believing that she loves you is wishful thinking.

[elaine567]

13 hours ago, Musician said:

I've tried being understanding again to her reasons for not wanting a relationship with me.

What are her reasons?

[spiderowl]

I’m glad you’ve booked some therapy, Musician, because I think this could really help you.

It sounds to me like you two are a good fit in lots of ways but not as much of a good fit for her. She likes your company, she misses you, but there is something that means she does not feel you are the right life partner for her. She is not a commitment phobe; she just doesn’t want to commit to a relationship she does not feel would work.

I say the above not to be harsh but to show why you are wasting your time with her. She is always going to let you down because she has fundamental reservations.

I know you want to be able to fix things with her but you will just be throwing yourself against a brick wall. Whatever gains you make will be wiped out when she dumps you again. You need a long-lasting and reliable relationship not this.

I do not feel either of you are at fault here in any way. Many people get caught up in on/off, push/pull relationships that are almost right but not quite right.

You are having trouble coping with your feelings because this is a very painful situation. Everything is pulling you towards this woman who you have bonded with but she keeps dropping out. You need to accept that this relationship is not the right one for her, even if it feels like the right one for you.

Once you have come to terms with this relationship not working, despite your efforts, you will feel relieved - sad, hurt, but relieved that you don’t have to make the impossible work.

I do think that no contact will help you here. You will need to resist any attempts she might make to contact you, because she will prob be ok with maintaining a friendship and chatting but that’s not enough for you. It will only hurt to be in that position.  She will get lonely and want your company and then you will be back to square one of being around her for a while then getting dumped.

Build a separate social circle, get involved in other things, do not find excuses to see her or speak to her. I don’t think either of you have intended this to be so hurtful; it’s just a sad mismatch that was close enough to almost work. Lots of us have been there and it’s very painful. Eventually, the pain forces us to acknowledge that it is not working, despite all the wishes in the world.

I would suggest you go no contact and free yourself to find a relationship which does not have an inbuilt self-destruct mechanism. You will find one, once you have emotionally detached from this woman, and then you’ll wonder why you struggled with her for so long.

Edited December 22, 2021 by spiderowl

[Musician]

34 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

What are her reasons?

Hey

She just says we are not compatible but doesn't really given any reasons as to why! At the moment from my eyes the most understandable thing would be the distance between us. She keeps saying she's not ready for a relationship and to be honest I agree with her but she keeps coming back eventually. The strange thing is the last time she did this I wasn't actually wanting to go down this route with her because of said situation but I guess we just seem to want it in the moment. At the moment she isn't speaking to me (silent treatment) so I've tried to send her a kind message to try and see if we can discuss how best to progress from here. Personally I think we won't be able to be friends and I've tried to point this out to her but this is when she gets really upset as she wants to share things with me. Tricky.

[Musician]

13 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

I’m glad you’ve booked some therapy, Musician, because I think this could really help you.

It sounds to me like you two are a good fit in lots of ways but not as much of a good fit for her. She likes your company, she misses you, but there is something that means she does not feel you are the right life partner for her. She is not a commitment phobe; she just doesn’t want to commit to a relationship she does not feel would work.

I say the above not to be harsh but to show why you are wasting your time with her. She is always going to let you down because she has fundamental reservations.

I know you want to be able to fix things with her but you will just be throwing yourself against a brick wall. Whatever gains you make will be wiped out when she dumps you again. You need a long-lasting and reliable relationship not this.

I do not feel either of you are at fault here in any way. Many people get caught up in on/off, push/pull relationships that are almost right but not quite right.

You are having trouble coping with your feelings because this is a very painful situation. Everything is pulling you towards this woman who you have bonded with but she keeps dropping out. You need to accept that this relationship is not the right one for her, even if it feels like the right one for you.

Once you have come to terms with this relationship not working, despite your efforts, you will feel relieved - sad, hurt, but relieved that you don’t have to make the impossible work.

I do think that no contact will help you here. You will need to resist any attempts she might make to contact you, because she will prob be ok with maintaining a friendship and chatting but that’s not enough for you. It will only hurt to be in that position.  She will get lonely and want your company and then you will be back to square one of being around her for a while then getting dumped.

Build a separate social circle, get involved in other things, do not find excuses to see her or speak to her. I don’t think either of you have intended this to be so hurtful; it’s just a sad mismatch that was close enough to almost work. Lots of us have been there and it’s very painful. Eventually, the pain forces us to acknowledge that it is not working, despite all the wishes in the world.

I would suggest you go no contact and free yourself to find a relationship which does not have an inbuilt self-destruct mechanism. You will find one, once you have emotionally detached from this woman, and then you’ll wonder why you struggled with her for so long.

I would/mostly agree with this but she has done this with other lads before me. However our situation has gone on for a lot longer and she has said she loves me and does want to share things and life with me. So I don't quite get it!  

I've tried all the things you mention over summer. I even avoided her calls when she rang. But eventually I did answer and we ended up back together. Tricky.

[Uruktopi]

You have a specific role in her life: her auxiliary spare wheel.

I´ve been once there.  If you have higher hopes about her, don´t.

It´s not a good place to be if for a long time.