My gf is really nervous about meeting my parents but should she be?

[ironpony]

My gf is coming for Christmas to meet my parents and she is really nervous about meeting them because of the age difference.  I'm 37 and she is 21.  But I want to ease her mind, but she is just really anxious about it.  And yeah, my parents might judge me for it but I think they will judge me more than her of course.  But iss there anything I can do to approach it that will be better for her?  Thank you for any advice on this.  I really appreciate it!

[basil67]

With all due respect, you've just written that you're thinking of breaking up with her because of her crazy ex.  She shouldn't be meeting your parents if you're considering breaking up with her.  This stuff is for when you're sure there's a future together.

 

[ironpony]

Well I already invited her before the ex showed up again.  I don't feel like breaking up with her now that I have calmed down more from it, I am just frustrated over it.

[elaine567]

In August when this was last brought up you said your parents disapproved of your relationship, and the discussion got very heated.
Has anything really changed?

[ironpony]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

In August when this was last brought up you said your parents disapproved of your relationship, and the discussion got very heated.
Has anything really changed?

I'm not sure.

[Happy Lemming]

32 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I'm not sure.

In my opinion, it is unfair to bring/expose your girlfriend to your parents.  You know there is already animosity that exist, so why put her in that situation. 

I'm sure your parents will put on a fake smile and be polite, but underneath that -- both you and your girlfriend know their true feelings, so why do it in the first place??  Why put her in that environment??  It serves no purpose. 

If you were engaged or getting engaged, that would be a "horse of a different color", but that is not the case, here.

I have an idea, why don't you and your girlfriend cook your own Christmas dinner together at her place.  Get a nice ham and all of the fixings and cook together.  Start your own "new" Holiday traditions!!

[elaine567]

51 minutes ago, ironpony said:

I'm not sure.

What did your parents say when you told them you had invited your gf over for Xmas?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

I'm not sure.

Well then, you shouldn’t be bringing your girlfriend to meet you parents. That’s a difficult position for you to put her in - 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I have an idea, why don't you and your girlfriend cook your own Christmas dinner together at her place. 

She’s 21 - she has probably never cooked Christmas dinner before.   That doesn’t mean that you can’t make a nice dinner together. But she may also want to be with her family. 

Does she live with her her parents OP? Or does she live on her own. 

Edited December 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Does she live her her parents OP? Or does she live on her own. 

I think she has an apartment...

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

She’s 21 - she has probably never cooked Christmas dinner before.  

Learning to cook together sounds fun!!  When in doubt, get a pre-cooked ham, throw it in the crock pot to warm it up (put a little honey on top), stove top stuffing, canned pork gravy, instant mashed potatoes, heat up a can of peas & corn, heat up some brown and serve rolls and you've got a nice EASY Christmas dinner.  Pick up a pie and some ice cream for dessert.

[glows]

Did your parents invite her? This is their home.

Ask your parents if they’d like to have her over. If they’d prefer not to, plan something else with her. 

More importantly regarding your gf, she’ll see your dynamic with your family/parents. It’s not just about this Christmas. It’s every other day or week of the year. It’s also not just about your ages. It’s accepting that you have someone in your life. I think this is inevitable that they meet and you may not control every outcome nor can you hide your dynamic with your parents from her.

Reassure your gf and take her mind off of things if she’s nervous or tells you she’s nervous. If your parents agree to have her it’s a chance for her to also know more about you.

 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I think she has an apartment...

Learning to cook together sounds fun!!  When in doubt, get a pre-cooked ham, throw it in the crock pot to warm it up (put a little honey on top), stove top stuffing, canned pork gravy, instant mashed potatoes, heat up a can of peas & corn, heat up some brown and serve rolls and you've got a nice EASY Christmas dinner.  Pick up a pie and some ice cream for dessert.

Thank you for the information.

I don’t disagree - cooking together is very fun. But when I was 21, Christmas dinner was at my mom’s house. I had no interest in cooking Christmas dinner myself. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

I had no interest in cooking Christmas dinner myself. 

You might be right... I was on my own at 18, so I started cooking and making mistakes in the kitchen at a fairly young age.

By 21, I had figured out how not to burn food (LOL)!!

[Blind-Sided]

8 hours ago, elaine567 said:

In August when this was last brought up you said your parents disapproved of your relationship, and the discussion got very heated.
Has anything really changed?

 

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

I'm not sure.

Then her fears are real... and there is really nothing you can do to ease her mind.   Sorry... just saying like I see it. 

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

In my opinion, it is unfair to bring/expose your girlfriend to your parents.  You know there is already animosity that exist, so why put her in that situation. 

I'm sure your parents will put on a fake smile and be polite, but underneath that -- both you and your girlfriend know their true feelings, so why do it in the first place??  Why put her in that environment??  It serves no purpose. 

If you were engaged or getting engaged, that would be a "horse of a different color", but that is not the case, here.

I have an idea, why don't you and your girlfriend cook your own Christmas dinner together at her place.  Get a nice ham and all of the fixings and cook together.  Start your own "new" Holiday traditions!!

Yes to all of this.

Start your own traditions... and make sure your folks are OK with her BEFORE you bring her into their house.  When you become an adult... you have to drop old traditions just because life changes.   Besides.... not going to your folks, to be with your GF will just possibly get your folks to consider that you are serious about this girl.  But then again.... according to the other thread, and wanting to break up.... well... that tells me you really aren't. 

Now... as far as the age gap... I just turned 50... and my GF is 28.  My folks thought is was strange... but they love me and support me, and my GF has been welcome in their house, because regardless of their feelings... they want to see me happy. The age diff between you and your GF is honestly minimal, and your folks should understand. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, ironpony said:

My gf is coming for Christmas to meet my parents and she is really nervous about meeting them.

They invited her, so it's your job to make her feel welcomed and comfortable, no? 

[smackie9]

The worst time to be introducing the GF/BF for the first time to the parents. Christmas dinner is very intimate. So if she doesn't want to go don't make her go.

Edited December 22, 2021 by smackie9

[Alvi]

Ask your parents first how they feel about inviting her over the holidays? Only invite her over if they actually want to meet her. If not, then do not force the introduction.

[vla1120]

12 hours ago, ironpony said:

But is there anything I can do to approach it that will be better for her?

Yes. Tell her she does not have to go with you. You go see your family. She should go see her family (if they are close), then the two of you can come back together in the evening and do something with just the two of you.

[ironpony]

Sorry for not being able to respond until now.  Thanks for all the replies!  My parents invited her, it's just that I think they may be doing it just to be nice, but not sure if they actually approve based on their prior reaction before.  But she was invited and accepted.  My gf says she wants to go she is just super nervous because of the age gap.

Edited December 23, 2021 by ironpony

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ironpony said:

 My parents invited her.  My gf says she wants to go she is just super nervous 

Ok. Try not to be so anxious. She's picking up on that. Relax and make her feel comfortable and welcomed in your/your parents home. It's nice they invited her for your sake. 

Did you get her a gift?

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, ironpony said:

My parents invited her, it's just that I think they may be doing it just to be nice, but not sure if they actually approve based on their prior reaction before.  But she was invited and accepted. 

Good, your parents are making the effort, so you need to take them at their word and try to make Xmas as happy a time as you can. No digs and passive aggressive nonsense, just be there with the intention of having a good time.
I don't think your gf needs to worry, the olive branch has been proffered and you all now need to let bygones be bygones. 

[ironpony]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Try not to be so anxious. She's picking up on that. Relax and make her feel comfortable and welcomed in your/your parents home. It's nice they invited her for your sake. 

Did you get her a gift?

oh okay but I thought she was really anxious it seems compared to me. Is she picking up on something? Yes, I got her a gift.

[elaine567]

Meeting the parents is a big deal to most.

They want to make a good impression and that adds to the pressure.
Your gf already knows your parents are/were hostile so of course she is going to be anxious.
They are strangers  to her and she wants them to like her.
They are your parents so the natural anxiety over meeting new people does not apply to you.

[ironpony]

On 12/22/2021 at 9:29 AM, BaileyB said:

She’s 21 - she has probably never cooked Christmas dinner before.   That doesn’t mean that you can’t make a nice dinner together. But she may also want to be with her family. 

Does she live with her her parents OP? Or does she live on her own. 

Oh well we already had Christmas dinner at her place!  Thanks for the suggestion though!  But this was a couple of days before Christmas and she was still invited to my place before.  Hopefully a good impression will be made.  I think my parents don't have anything against her, they just think the dating situation is weird.  I think the situation bothers them more than the person.