My soul mate is married and has kids

[R55dyj]

I’ve been married for 10 years but have been so unhappy for at least half of that,stopped fancying my wife a long time ago but didn’t want to upset her so stayed in the marriage because of that.

Anyway I went on a dating site to see if there was anyone who was in a similar situation and started chatting with a lady who was in exactly the same situation as me.We get on so well it’s unbelievable and the connection we have together is amazing.I didn’t go into this with any agenda so didn’t know what to expect but we’ve fallen madly in love with each other and miss each other so much as we can only meet once in a while so the heart aches like mad,I’ve decided to leave my wife in the new year and go it alone but she said she wants to leave her husband but she doesn’t know when as she has 3 children that she has to think about which I fully understand and respect,we met last night and had a lovely time but both got upset when we had to say our goodbyes as we don’t know when the next time we’ll see each other,Christmas period is going to be difficult for each other as we know but we’re both both scared of what will happen after that.

This all feels like it’s to good to be true and I’ve never felt like this about anything or anyone before I feel like I’ve found my soul mate but have to admit I’m really scared and don’t know what to do for the best.

Edited December 22, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarify title

[Maylady]

Buckle up. You are going to have a bumpy life going forward. All I see here is pain and regret.

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, R55dyj said:

she wants to leave her husband but she doesn’t know when as she has 3 children that she has to think about

My guess is that unless her husband is very abusive and she is scared for her life if she stays, or he finds out and throws her out, then she will not leave.
She is already warning you of that, by saying she doesn't know when.
She will do a cost benefit analysis and with 3 kids in the mix it is unlikely you can offer them more than their father...
Do you even want to be a step father?

Unhappy wives can be quick to leave as soon as they find another, but here she seems reluctant.

If you want to leave your marriage then leave but do not bank on this woman being there for you.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, R55dyj said:

I went on a dating site to see if there was anyone who was in a similar situation

As a married man who went on a dating site in search of a married women, nothing good can come from this. 

7 hours ago, R55dyj said:

This all feels like it’s to good to be true

Because it is too good to be true. You don’t know this woman - you are in love with a fantasy. You don’t know how she deals with  stress, or conflict in a relationship, or how grumpy she is when she is sick or tired. You don’t have to pay the bills with her, or argue over who’s going to clean the toilets, or who’s turn it is to cook dinner tonight - You have developed a romantic fantasy about this woman but it isn’t real life.

A dose of reality - as Elaine said, women tend to be quicker to leave their marriages when they meet another man but this woman has said no. She has three children, she is not able to fly the next as easily as another woman. Or, perhaps you are projecting and things are not as unhappy at home as you would like to believe. Either way - why do you want to date a married woman who is trolling on a dating site? HUGE RED FLAG! It would be very unwise for to get together if you both did leave your marriages, the rate of divorce for second marriages that begin as an affair is spectacularly high. And soul mates don’t exist outside of romance novels and Rom-Coms. You have found a woman who feeds your confirmation bias and feeds your ego/offers you some attention - and that feels good. But, you are in for a world of heartache if you chose to stay involved - whether she decides to leave her husband or not. 

Edited December 22, 2021 by BaileyB

[glows]

Your marriage is already over so separate/divorce. It has little to do with this other woman or new love you’ve found.

Also, this affair is new. Anything new is bright and shiny, always attractive and your hormones are racing. Try not to put too much stock or attention into how fabulous meeting her is. It’s more than likely a diversion and escape from your unhappy marriage. 

Move on truly but on your own terms and without the added issue of depending on someone else for your happiness.

 

[Fox Sake]

7 hours ago, R55dyj said:

I’ve been married for 10 years but have been so unhappy for at least half of that,stopped fancying my wife a long time ago but didn’t want to upset her so stayed in the marriage because of that.

Anyway I went on a dating site to see if there was anyone who was in a similar situation and started chatting with a lady who was in exactly the same situation as me.We get on so well it’s unbelievable and the connection we have together is amazing.I didn’t go into this with any agenda so didn’t know what to expect but we’ve fallen madly in love with each other and miss each other so much as we can only meet once in a while so the heart aches like mad,I’ve decided to leave my wife in the new year and go it alone but she said she wants to leave her husband but she doesn’t know when as she has 3 children that she has to think about which I fully understand and respect,we met last night and had a lovely time but both got upset when we had to say our goodbyes as we don’t know when the next time we’ll see each other,Christmas period is going to be difficult for each other as we know but we’re both both scared of what will happen after that.

This all feels like it’s to good to be true and I’ve never felt like this about anything or anyone before I feel like I’ve found my soul mate but have to admit I’m really scared and don’t know what to do for the best.

Just gonna play on the “feels to good to be true” part of your post. 
If it feels to good to be true then it probably is.  
 

Whilst I’m happy for you that you’ve found someone who excites you , the way you went about it is wrong. You should not have gone woman shopping whilst still in your current relationship. That’s just inviting bad karma… it can also be a trigger for projecting insecurity which will farther damage your current relationship. 

If you’re not happy then end it sooner rather than later , as you’re only wasting each others time. She deserves to find someone who wants to be with her. Also - the most important part; if you leave your wife you do it for you. Do it because you actually want to be alone and open to meeting someone new. And because you know your wife deserves more than what you can offer her romantically. 

Do NOT do it for the new girl. Chances are, one of you is a distraction for the other (sounds like you’re her distraction) and she will end up getting cold feet about leaving and you’ll just be her affair. I don’t see this new lady leaving her marriage and children. Even if she does - neither of you can jump straight into something and expect it to be healthy. At the very least you may end up being the bad guy to her kids. 
 

honestly man, my take is you’re setting yourself up for major heartache. You obviously really like this girl because it’s new and exciting but you both are playing a dangerous game. 9/10 times this situation never pans out. It’s doesn’t sound like you’re in the minority here either. These feelings you're having of attachment and excitement for someone new , are normal after being in something you feel is dead for so long. But they’re unfounded and likely your internal excuse to end something you haven’t had the guts to do for 5 years- break up. 
 

sorry if this all sounds harsh, but I really do not want you to go and break yourself and others anymore than Is absolutely necessary. There are so many threads of LS from people who have been through the same as you. Study them, read them and look for the patterns …. You’re story really isn’t that much different apart from the fact you’re seriously attached to a “she’s my soul mate” …and that worry’s me for your heart. 
 

 

[pepperbird2]

OP,

I would strongly suggest that you clean up one mess before diving in headfirst into another.
 

Quite frankly, neither of you has any reason to trust the other. You have both shown that you are a-okay with cheating ( you would be or you wouldn't do it) and of this lady is smart, she's not going to leave a sure thing ( her marriage) for someone who she knows she can' t trust.

If you want a shot at a real relationship with her, I woudl insist on some counseling for you two as a couple. Forget about ll this "soulmates" nonsense.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Quite frankly, neither of you has any reason to trust the other. You have both shown that you are a-okay with cheating ( you would be or you wouldn't do it) and of this lady is smart, she's not going to leave a sure thing ( her marriage) for someone who she knows she can' t trust.

Absolutely. 

You don’t actually know anything about each other except - you are both married and trolling a dating site. And while you may see this as “fortuitous,” I would suggest that it is a huge red flag. It would be an absolute no go for most people. 

[mark clemson]

The good news is that IF you're unhappy enough to actually leave your wife and IF your OW won't leave, you will be able to date around and find hopefully a better AND available partner. You'll need some emotional recovery time, but an attractive, mature, reasonably well off fully adult man will tend to have many prospects, particularly if you live in a large urban area. Your main problem may be sorting out which of the available women are right for you AND capable of "going the distance" in a LTR.

 

10 hours ago, R55dyj said:

the heart aches like mad

Suggest you research "limerence" e.g. on Wikipedia. IF you have this, you should recognize that it's a special, specific psychological state, and NOT something you should necessarily expect in future relationships. A relationship can IMO be quite healthy without the over-the-top "addictive" feelings of limerence and, despite how good it may feel, it's actually often characteristic of dysfunctional ones where the two people can't be together for some reason.

[Myabee]

On 12/22/2021 at 1:53 AM, R55dyj said:

I’ve been married for 10 years but have been so unhappy for at least half of that,stopped fancying my wife a long time ago but didn’t want to upset her so stayed in the marriage because of that.

Anyway I went on a dating site to see if there was anyone who was in a similar situation and started chatting with a lady who was in exactly the same situation as me.We get on so well it’s unbelievable and the connection we have together is amazing.I didn’t go into this with any agenda so didn’t know what to expect but we’ve fallen madly in love with each other and miss each other so much as we can only meet once in a while so the heart aches like mad,I’ve decided to leave my wife in the new year and go it alone but she said she wants to leave her husband but she doesn’t know when as she has 3 children that she has to think about which I fully understand and respect,we met last night and had a lovely time but both got upset when we had to say our goodbyes as we don’t know when the next time we’ll see each other,Christmas period is going to be difficult for each other as we know but we’re both both scared of what will happen after that.

This all feels like it’s to good to be true and I’ve never felt like this about anything or anyone before I feel like I’ve found my soul mate but have to admit I’m really scared and don’t know what to do for the best.

Oh boy. You almost sound reverse of me... Let me start by saying this is most likely not your soulmate... the woman is married. I guess number one why are married people on dating sites posing as single??? Anyway... Until you both are legally divorced you have nothing valid here. I see a fantasy type affair... Lot's of hurt will ensue. 

[Bittersweetie]

I'm a MW who had an affair with a MM. We had a connection. It was too good to be true. I thought we were soulmates.

You know what? It was all a fantasy. I didn't know everything in his life, and he didn't in mine, and I filled in the gaps with my head. I addressed the issues with me and in my marriage with avoidance rather than treating my spouse with respect and working things out. 

What kind of person do you want to be? The kind of person who treats their spouse and others with respect? Or the kind of person who lies and cheats but calls it love and soulmates? It's up to you to decide. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are going to get very hurt here, OP. 

You need to end your marriage regardless, but with three kids? It's very unlikely she is going to end hers. It's just not a realistic prospect for most. 

[Starswillshine]

I'm sorry, but your soul mate is not someone who is married to someone else. 

[Gail1165]

On 12/22/2021 at 5:53 PM, R55dyj said:

I’ve been married for 10 years but have been so unhappy for at least half of that,stopped fancying my wife a long time ago but didn’t want to upset her so stayed in the marriage because of that.

Anyway I went on a dating site to see if there was anyone who was in a similar situation and started chatting with a lady who was in exactly the same situation as me.We get on so well it’s unbelievable and the connection we have together is amazing.I didn’t go into this with any agenda so didn’t know what to expect but we’ve fallen madly in love with each other and miss each other so much as we can only meet once in a while so the heart aches like mad,I’ve decided to leave my wife in the new year and go it alone but she said she wants to leave her husband but she doesn’t know when as she has 3 children that she has to think about which I fully understand and respect,we met last night and had a lovely time but both got upset when we had to say our goodbyes as we don’t know when the next time we’ll see each other,Christmas period is going to be difficult for each other as we know but we’re both both scared of what will happen after that.

This all feels like it’s to good to be true and I’ve never felt like this about anything or anyone before I feel like I’ve found my soul mate but have to admit I’m really scared and don’t know what to do for the best.

[ ]  I know how you are feeling. I think if anything this happening has at least made you look at your own marriage and life and see it can be different. Hopefully you are thinking of getting divorced for you and you only. Not for her. And I'm not saying that for any other reason other than it will only work with her if that is the case. Same with her. She doesn't sound like she is quite there yet unfortunately. Maybe she will get there. You don't know. And by the time she does you may not be there any longer. But I just wanted you to know someone understands what you are going thru. 

Edited December 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
disrespectful