[UPDATED] a really long distance electronic relationship is over.

[1Mind]

I am married with kids. I was doing well but in 2015 my life felt like it was getting very hard. I isolated myself more and more. I stopped talking to friends. I quit my guitar lessons. I even stopped talking to my wife for a few months. I was in a really bad place. This went on for a long time. In February of 2019 I felt myself very depressed. I didn’t even want to leave my house. This was all in my head. To the outside world I had a great life. I hid it well. In May 2019 an old associate overseas who I had worked with 20 years prior sent me an e-mail. She was just curious how I was. We started e-mailing eachother. She lives 5,000 miles away in a borderline third world country. She was in a bad marriage, had a child and a very sick mother. Her husband was a partner in business with her. I figured since she was so far away I would not hold back and I was very open about everything. I never sugar coated anything with her and was completely honest about my past, my life…everything. We grew very close. After a couple of months she freaked out and said she needed a break. I was devastated, it really cut deep. A week later she wrote me. We were back on. We had been on and off 3 times until March 2019. She didn’t respond to an e-mail so I decided I was not going to keep writing. She wrote me on our e-mail anniversary in May. She was kind of cold. So I told her I was done. I had fallen in love with a woman who I never met. We talked, e-mailed, texted and sent videos. But we never met. I was heartbroken. But I did learn how to deal with a breakup. In July she sent me an urgent e-mail telling me that she had an issue with her son and I was the only one she could talk to. We talked for hours. She wanted us to get back together, which sounds crazy based on the type of relationship we had. For a year everything was wonderful. We exchanged messages daily, we spoke. I was very happy. However in July her life was getting tougher. She had less and less time. Her business was suffering, her mother was getting sicker and her son was struggling with home classes. She told me she had no time anymore. If I chose to leave she would understand. I told her I will stay. She responded to me a little less, but she tried. In October she told me it was over. She was very emotional. I told her is was ok. I’m not mad. To go, I’ll always be here. However, she wrote me the same day and said she could not go on without me. I continued writing her but I reflected on our relationship over the last few months. I noticed there was no flirting and no intimacy. I even wrote her a direct question asking if she desired me anymore. It went unanswered. She was answering me less and less. She did tell me that she knew she was neglecting me. Finally I wrote her a couple of texts and sent a couple of e-mails. The next day there was no response. I sent her a nice e-mail telling her how I felt about her and how grateful I was for the relationship. I told her I will always be here. However, I was ending the relationship because she was not strong enough to do it herself. She never responded.

I am amazed how this developed without ever meeting her. It was very real. I am actually ok as I learned from this relationship how to deal with breakups. I’m practically and expert. I realize the biggest issue is fighting my mind which feeds me false information and scenarios. I use a few different techniques to deal with it. Just sometimes I am overcome by a wave of sadness. So much good came out of this. I am grateful for the experience. I felt like the universe threw me a lifeline.

Edited February 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[JRabbit]

Learn from this, that online relationships are not real, but a way for you to escape your reality. Face what you are running from in your current life and you will be much happier in the long run.

[1Mind]

1 hour ago, JRabbit said:

Learn from this, that online relationships are not real, but a way for you to escape your reality. Face what you are running from in your current life and you will be much happier in the long run.

Thank you for the response JRabbit, but I disagree. I know so much about her. The good and the bad. Technology has made so much possible. I highly doubt I would have such emotions over something not real. it is limited, but real.

Edited December 22, 2021 by 1Mind
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[chillii]

2 hours ago, 1Mind said:

Thank you for the response JRabbit, but I disagree. I know so much about her. The good and the bad. Technology has made so much possible. I highly doubt I would have such emotions over something not real. it is limited, but real.

Oh yeah it can be very very real alright, mind blowingly real. After a divorce l met someone online and we were ea everything and much more , than either of us could've ever possibly have dreamed up.She was a lot more than 5000k away but when we did meet eventually, it was real alright but of course you've gotta be together to know for sure first. Unfortunately we couldn't work it out in the end bc of moving complications but it was still the most incredible thing l'd ever had.

You both still married though right ? And with everything she has going on, plus the distance, no wonder she can't cope and you'd both still have to go through divorces and the massive deal of all that on top of it and kids and oh man, 5000 apart,,, huge stuff.

 

Edited December 22, 2021 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, 1Mind said:

 it is limited, but real.

Agree it felt real however was unrealistic.

More importantly your withdrawal from life, anhedonia and malaise is something you nee to get evaluated by your physician.

[BaileyB]

Online relationships like this tend to create a false sense of intimacy - in that, you know so much about this woman and her life but you don’t actually know the woman. 

You certainly don’t know her in the way that you would if she was in your life on a daily basis as your partner. You know what she chooses to share, but obviously there are other things that she hasn’t shared as evidenced by the fact that she flaked on you more than once and left you wondering what happened. 

This was a distraction - it allowed you to connect with another while avoiding the issues in your life. As a coping strategy, it may have been helpful to have that connection while dealing with what sounds like a pretty significant depression. But, as a legitimate relationship, it’s not going to happen. 

I hope you are able to find a counsellor and get yourself some help for your mental health. Big issues here - one does not withdraw from their life in the way you have described and “stop talking to your wife for months” and have a happy healthy marriage and life. Best wishes. 

[1Mind]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Online relationships like this tend to create a false sense of intimacy - in that, you know so much about this woman and her life but you don’t actually know the woman. 

You certainly don’t know her in the way that you would if she was in your life on a daily basis as your partner. You know what she chooses to share, but obviously there are other things that she hasn’t shared as evidenced by the fact that she flaked on you more than once and left you wondering what happened. 

This was a distraction - it allowed you to connect with another while avoiding the issues in your life. As a coping strategy, it may have been helpful to have that connection while dealing with what sounds like a pretty significant depression. But, as a legitimate relationship, it’s not going to happen. 

I hope you are able to find a counsellor and get yourself some help for your mental health. Big issues here - one does not withdraw from their life in the way you have described and “stop talking to your wife for months” and have a happy healthy marriage and life. Best wishes. 

BaileyB, Thanks for this response. It was very helpful.

[glows]

When reading your description of events I couldn't help but notice that you both seem to look for each other when the going gets rough, perhaps as some sort of long distance support system. She may have known her limits but you needed her a little more than she needed you. 

When you feel the urge to reach out to her, think about seeking counselling or therapy instead. Find something more tangible and valuable for your long term mental health than depending on a on/off extramarital romance. It wasn't built to last in the first place because you're both dealing with issues in your lives that have nothing to do with one another. 

Also, has your wife checked out of the marriage? Do you live apart or together? What is your marriage like or the dynamic?

Lastly I want to mention also that creating music was one of the last things I wanted to do for years while I was in a toxic, gaslighting, abusive relationship. When I got out of it it took another two years before I sat down and played the piano again. You may feel demoralized and broken because you stopped your guitar lessons but don't beat yourself up over it. Seek more stability and help for your peace of mind and mental health. Everything else you've ever loved or enjoyed doing will come back once you've put yourself together again and these types romances won't have any place in your life either.

[1Mind]

19 minutes ago, glows said:

When reading your description of events I couldn't help but notice that you both seem to look for each other when the going gets rough, perhaps as some sort of long distance support system. She may have known her limits but you needed her a little more than she needed you. 

When you feel the urge to reach out to her, think about seeking counselling or therapy instead. Find something more tangible and valuable for your long term mental health than depending on a on/off extramarital romance. It wasn't built to last in the first place because you're both dealing with issues in your lives that have nothing to do with one another. 

Also, has your wife checked out of the marriage? Do you live apart or together? What is your marriage like or the dynamic?

Lastly I want to mention also that creating music was one of the last things I wanted to do for years while I was in a toxic, gaslighting, abusive relationship. When I got out of it it took another two years before I sat down and played the piano again. You may feel demoralized and broken because you stopped your guitar lessons but don't beat yourself up over it. Seek more stability and help for your peace of mind and mental health. Everything else you've ever loved or enjoyed doing will come back once you've put yourself together again and these types romances won't have any place in your life either.

Glows,

i agree. I believe above everything we supported eachother emotionally. I am grateful for your thoughtful post. it is very much needed before Christmas. Thank you so much.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like this hurts much more because you're unahppy in your marriage. 

That is where the real work needs to be done now - understanding how it all fell apart, and whether or not you really want to be with your wife anymore. It sounds like you checked out emotionally a long time ago. It's critical to figure it out, or you will be ripe for another affair in the future. 

This particular woman is a symptom of a much bigger problem. 

[1Mind]

I had posted on here a few months ago about the ending of a digital LDR. For the most part I am ok. But I do get moments of deep sadness during the day. I attribute this to simply missing my former friend or what ever i should call her. Because I am married I cannot talk to anyone about it. of course I had a couple of friends, but let's be honest, you cannot bring up the subject everytime. I would imagine saying the same things over and over will get old quickly. I exercise 5 days a week. I meditate almost every day. I'm just not sure what to do when you miss someone. The saying goes 'Time will heal all wounds". But what do you do during that time? Just throwing this out there.

Also, I went to great therapist a couple of years ago. i contacted him again. Unfortunately he does not take my current insurance. He tried to work out a plan for me , but I can't afford it. $36K a year for insurance and it covers nothing....but that is a whole other topic.

[glows]

See if there are other well-regarded therapists in your area who are willing to charge on a sliding scale based on what you can afford. I wouldn’t give up on therapy if you would like to pursue that. 

As for what to do in the meantime, I worked. I have never not worked in my life even though I don’t necessarily have to work now. I’m not a workaholic but my passion for what I do created motivation and inspiration for me. It also fuelled and funded pursuit of other interests. Find purpose for yourself and stop living for others (save your children). 

It sounds like this was a LD extramarital affair. Acknowledge to yourself your mistakes you’ve made and promise yourself you won’t make them again. That’s called resolve. And second, remain joyful and purposeful with your life. That’s resilience. 

[1Mind]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

See if there are other well-regarded therapists in your area who are willing to charge on a sliding scale based on what you can afford. I wouldn’t give up on therapy if you would like to pursue that. 

As for what to do in the meantime, I worked. I have never not worked in my life even though I don’t necessarily have to work now. I’m not a workaholic but my passion for what I do created motivation and inspiration for me. It also fuelled and funded pursuit of other interests. Find purpose for yourself and stop living for others (save your children). 

It sounds like this was a LD extramarital affair. Acknowledge to yourself your mistakes you’ve made and promise yourself you won’t make them again. That’s called resolve. And second, remain joyful and purposeful with your life. That’s resilience. 

Thank you Glows.

[notbroken]

Rededicate yourself to your wife and relationship (or end it - fix it or break it).   Think about what you didn't like instead of what you did.  The relationship ended for a reason.  Truthfully, it was a fantasy.  You didn't have the problems of every day life with them (rent/mortgage, bills, day to day doldrums, etc).   Realize that.   Your exercise, etc is a good outlet.  Keep that up.  You'll get over this.   Learn from it (ie. don't put yourself in the same or worse situation with an affair).  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, 1Mind said:

Because I am married I cannot talk to anyone about it

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.

Discuss your protracted sadness and whatever void/unhappiness lead to this online situation. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Everything you discuss with a healthcare provider is confidential.

[ShyViolet]

That's not the only therapist in the world.  Go to a therapist that does accept your insurance.

I'm assuming this "digital relationship" was with someone you had never met in person?  If so, then yea this is very unhealthy.  All the more reason to go to therapy.

[BaileyB]

This relationship is a symptom of a much more serious mental health issue. Are you seeing a physician, on medication, exercising, and doing some therapy? 

[pepperbird2]

I know this response may come off as mean spirited, but please, read to the end. I apologize if I am wrong. I am assuming you are still with your wife. Sad to see how some automatically assume ( unless you've stated it elsewhere) that your wife must somehow be the cause of your apparent depression and marriage issues.

You pay very little heed to what you've been putting your wife through. It's all ":me, me, me, me, me". As someone who is married to someone with mental health issues, I can tell you that you may be putting your wife through hell. I'm not seeing any reasons in your post for the way you've been treating her, just that you seem to have a mental health issue and you;re self medicating with an outside relationship.
Self medicating doesn't work, and this outside relationship is hurting you more than helping. Not only that, it's also hurting your spouse,even if she never says so. I know this may sound rotten, but when you're married , you don;t get to be this selfish. There's others to consider too. I would suggest that if you can't get this other woman out of your head , if you haven't already done so, you have a heart to heart talk with your wife. Let her know what she's up against and that she's not losing her mind when she thinks you're cheating on her. After that, let her go. You may think you have this all under wraps ( again, assuming you haven' told her) but right from the get go when you, as you say, stopped talking to her for for a few months, you've been mentally abusing her. It's called gas lighting. I expect you'll say you never did that, but unless you were honest with her, you've been putting her through a really tough time.

Please spare her a thought. After everything you've put her through, doesn't she deserve at least some considerations?

[SingFish]

On 12/22/2021 at 12:58 PM, 1Mind said:

it is limited, but real.

It is.

I had a lovely friend for a long time, not romantic but really close. In Canada. We talked about everything but then he got married and after a few months said our relationship was taking energy from his marriage and he did not want to correspond any more. I missed that for a long time.

[DKT3]

I was watching a TV show years ago and it was about an American woman who met a man online from a Mediterranean country,  cant remember which one. After a couple years and her visiting him several times they decided to get married. 

 

Once married it took a little while longer before he was able to come to the States, once here he quickly realized that the life she portraied was a facade,  a life that she wanted but far from her actual life. She was deeply in debt, didn't have consistent employment,  the wonderful kids she described were actually terrible rotten disrespectful brats and her extended family were racist. 

While these relationships may feel real, they are very much play acting. Online relationships allows people to create a different reality.

More importantly,  they allow people to hide major red flags that would have normal had a person hitting the eject button very early in the process.

Edited February 21, 2022 by DKT3
Hit send to quickly

[pepperbird2]

I am assuming the OP is still married.  I feel so bad for the OPs wife and kids. They aren't even an afterthought for him.
Op, this is a time for you to show your kids what an ethical person would do.  please be honest with your wife. give her a chance to decide if she really wants to stay with a man she an not trust, one who would be fine cheating on her for a really long time,and then, when the affair is over, is only concerned about himself and the feelings of his OW. Not his wife, kids or anything else.

op,give your wife a chance to and the same happiness with someone else that you seem to have found. She;s not your mother, there to pickup the pieces of your life.

Edited February 23, 2022 by pepperbird2

[1Mind]

On 2/23/2022 at 10:11 AM, pepperbird2 said:

I am assuming the OP is still married.  I feel so bad for the OPs wife and kids. They aren't even an afterthought for him.
Op, this is a time for you to show your kids what an ethical person would do.  please be honest with your wife. give her a chance to decide if she really wants to stay with a man she an not trust, one who would be fine cheating on her for a really long time,and then, when the affair is over, is only concerned about himself and the feelings of his OW. Not his wife, kids or anything else.

op,give your wife a chance to and the same happiness with someone else that you seem to have found. She;s not your mother, there to pickup the pieces of your life.

Pepperbird2, You don’t know that my wife and children are not even an afterthought to me. If I need to talk about my relationship to my wife or kids or just about anything else I can speak to people. I posted anonymously on here about the one thing I cannot speak to people about. I do appreciate that you recognize the relationship I had was real. I don’t claim to be moral or right. I needed to express my feelings and thought this was a good place to do it. Thank you for being concerned about my family. I’m sure you’re a very good person.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, 1Mind said:

 the one thing I cannot speak to people about.

This is exactly what therapists are for. Get a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[GoldenR]

And your wife?   You ever think if you had put all that effort into your wife instead of this illusion of a relationship, maybe your real life, your real relationship, would've been a lot better? 

Edited February 26, 2022 by GoldenR

[pepperbird2]

On 2/25/2022 at 7:22 PM, 1Mind said:

Pepperbird2, You don’t know that my wife and children are not even an afterthought to me. If I need to talk about my relationship to my wife or kids or just about anything else I can speak to people. I posted anonymously on here about the one thing I cannot speak to people about. I do appreciate that you recognize the relationship I had was real. I don’t claim to be moral or right. I needed to express my feelings and thought this was a good place to do it. Thank you for being concerned about my family. I’m sure you’re a very good person.

Thank you for the compliment, but it's not necessary.
I'm sorry, but my position still stands. That you can't speak to anyone in your life about your external rletionship should tell you something. Something very important. Only you know what that is.