Help needed. could he be gay or cheating on me?

[Hmc]

My boyfriend and I are in our 30s and have been together 3 years. We are heading for engagement and marriage and have discussed timelines.

Our relationship is great and we live together. I have always trusted him. The only issue was that our sex life over the last year or so went down which I guess is expected over time but we were only having sex once every 2 weeks or so. Whenever I raised this he became defensive and would say it was because he was tired, stress of changing jobs and also loss of confidence (as he had once or twice lost his erection).

A few months ago, as awful as it sounds - I began snooping on his phone and have checked it maybe 4 times. I found a lot of porn in his search history - including older women, BBWs, GILFs and also gay porn and searches for twink porn which I found really concerning. He has never ever given me any inclination that he is bi/ gay and has always been in straight relationships. I also found he has visited the escort website pages of certain GILF pornstars which porn videos he had viewed. I don’t think he is stupid enough to actually visit an escort because of his job in healthcare so I think maybe this was just curiosity. I have not told him I’ve snooped on his phone and found the search histories. 

On another occasion we were looking at photos on his phone and I saw some naked selfies of his upper body and also dick pics. When I questioned these he said the photos were because he was trying to loose weight and wanted a body shot photo. Though I didn’t understand why there was also a dick pic there.

I have never not trusted him or had any worry that he would be cheating based on his day to day behaviour. He is kind, affectionate and I have no reason to be suspicious until now. The only reason I snooped was because I was so worried and anxious about the lack of sexual intimacy. And because he became defensive whenever I tried to have a conversation about it. I realise it was wrong and unforgivable to snoop.

I feel I can’t really forget what I have seen - could he be gay? Is he going to cheat on me/ has cheated now or in the future? Could he be visiting escorts. I realise snooping has only made things worse.

I’m worried as the next step for us will be engagement and marriage and I just feel I don’t know where to go from here. Thanks for any advice!

[mark clemson]

Possibly this is just porn use interfering with your sex life. (Plenty of men like porn, however it's IMO not really a problem unless/until it interferes - which it apparently has in your case). However, it also very much seems like he's at least thinking about aspects of a sexual life that only partly involves you.

Either of these things are red flags IMO, and by no means does working in healthcare always mean a person makes wise decisions about their own health.

I would very seriously reconsider getting engaged to this man. Sorry.

[elaine567]

You have found some pretty concerning stuff, you need to take heed.
Forget about getting engaged to this guy, he is NOT who you think he is...

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Hmc said:

I feel I can’t really forget what I have seen - could he be gay?

You cannot unsee what you've seen.  You really have no other choice but to come clean on your snooping and have a conversation about what you found.  Mind you he may quickly shut you down using the snooping as the excuse not to explain.  Yes, you may have a serious problem on your hands.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Hmc said:

our sex life over the last year or so went down which I guess is expected over time but we were only having sex once every 2 weeks or so. Whenever I raised this he became defensive and would say it was because he was tired, stress of changing jobs and also loss of confidence (as he had once or twice lost his erection).I found a lot of porn in his search history - including older women, BBWs, GILFs and also gay porn and searches for twink porn which I found really concerning. I also found he has visited the escort website pages of certain GILF pornstars which porn videos he had viewed. I don’t think he is stupid enough to actually visit an escort .

Sorry this is happening. Do not confront him just yet.

Instead see your physician and get tested for STDs and speak frankly about the lack of intimacy and your findings regarding possible male-to-male sex, escort services, etc. In the meantime use protection or refrain from sex until you see your doctor.

Do not worry about "snooping". You had concerns regarding the lack of intimacy/sex and ED. Keep in mind what you stumbled across may only be the tip of the iceberg. It's possible he uses increasingly varied/extreme porn, but it's possible there is more to it.

Don't worry about his sexual orientation, some men have male-male sex but do not consider themselves bi.

When you have more facts confront him, but expect the same defense responses and excuses and turning it around on "you snooping".

You have a right to know who you are with, what you are getting into particularly when it effects your physical and emotional health.

[salparadise]

Honestly, I'd be more concerned about the infrequent sex in your relationship than what you found in the search history. I guess the exception might be if he was watching a lot-lot of gay porn, which might indicate a propensity. People browse different categories to see what's there. It doesn't mean that's who they are. People are curious about the range of human sexuality, even if they only practice a certain aspect.

But if he's not interested in having an active sex life at home with you, that I'd be concerned about. A healthy thirty-something ought to be hittin' it every day, or several times a week at minimum. And you know frequency is likely to decline after marriage. The way this is looking, YOU might be the one needing to visit escorts.

[BreannaJewel]

I went through something similar to what you are going through a year and a half into a relationship (the relationship I am currently in of nearly 6 years). I too found some disturbing things after wrongfully snooping in his phone; there was his search history to different pornographic sights, and text messages where it appeared as though a few openly gay men had sent him messages and pictures and he would always block them. But I had a hard time understanding why would they even send him stuff of a sexual nature if they knew he was straight. I couldn’t make sense of them sending random straight men dick pics and making sexual remarks towards another man over text message if they knew they were straight. 
 

Being a very direct person and not very good at biting my tongue. I blurted it out one night when he and I were arguing (wrong wrong wrong), “are you interested in men?” I asked. Of course he became VERY DEFENSIVE. I immediately regretted the way I had went about the whole thing. Did I want to know if he was gay/bi or did I just think I wanted to know?  He swore he was not interested in men, at all. But I still couldn’t shake the curiosity. I forgot to mention I felt something was off prior to discovering the things in his phone but I couldn’t pin it to any one thing in particular. 
 

So I dropped the question- for the time being. I told myself I would love him either way and that if that was his dirty little secret then let sleeping dogs lay. But the more I thought about it the more it started to bother me. Not the fact that he may be interested in men but the fact that he would keep a secret from me. I had always been open with him about everything, and up until that point I thought he had been as well. To be honest it kinda hurt my feelings that he wouldn’t trust me enough to tell me something like that, then of course I started feeling bad for him. Maybe he was too scared or ashamed; maybe he thought I wouldn’t love him if he were in fact into men and he came clean about it. 
 

So many thoughts crossed my mind, so many “what if’s”. I would tell myself maybe I didn’t really want to know so just drop it. Or what if I was okay with it prior to knowing but felt differently once it was out in the open. If I could get him to trust me enough to tell me such a secret then it would be wrong of me if I felt differently afterwards. It was a constant battle of emotions that I tossed around for months until I came to the conclusion that I had to know the truth. 
 

I still have not gotten an answer out of him yet so many more things have transpired that I’d be foolish believe he is a straight man. I’ve just come to accept that when he is ready he will open up and until then all I can do is assure him daily that I love him and always will no matter what for the rest of our lives together. Does this mean one day he will for sure come clean? Absolutely not. 
 

so for now I just take everything day by day. 

[chillii]

l'm sorry but he's lost interest sexually with you two. Sometimes it comes back sometimes it doesn't but only 3 yrs , yeah, not a great sign.

As far as what he's up to if anything , who knows , but he's interested are def' elsewhere.

Edited December 23, 2021 by chillii

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, BreannaJewel said:

I still have not gotten an answer out of him yet so many more things have transpired that I’d be foolish believe he is a straight man. I’ve just come to accept that when he is ready he will open up and until then all I can do is assure him daily that I love him and always will no matter what for the rest of our lives together. Does this mean one day he will for sure come clean? Absolutely not. 

Get yourself regularly tested for STDs. 
Gay sex can be quick and easily acquired and often does not involve the "wooing" required in hetero circles.
 

Quote

On his way home, he'd stop at some random guy's house whom he'd met online, unzip, get a blow job, then pick up milk before he came home, always at the same time. Gay sex is easier to hide. Whereas an affair with a woman might get messy—she could get emotionally attached and call his home—sex with a guy is simple. There's no postcoital chatting. Gay men get right to the point.

Is your Boyfriend secretly gay?

 

[smackie9]

You have invested 3 years and heading for marriage. You need to address this firmly with him, but do it in a manner that is kind and supportive. You have to call him out on the lack of intimacy, and not buy into his simple excuses. If he doesn't, then give him an ultimatum...can't be honest with you then there is no reason to be together anymore, simple as that. That you can't keep living like this. You have already let him get away with his excuses several times....enough is enough.

[JRabbit]

Well..personally I went through something similar and my ex bf WAS sleeping with men, escorts, and still "dating" his ex gf.  We stil had sex just not as much as at first. There was other issues, bad things but just wanted to share that yes, it is possible. Never thought it was with my ex bf, he was super homophobic too.  All an act.

Sorry you are dealing with this. I would run for the hills personally.

[Calmandfocused]

On 12/23/2021 at 10:17 AM, elaine567 said:

Get yourself regularly tested for STDs. 
Gay sex can be quick and easily acquired and often does not involve the "wooing" required in hetero circles.
 

 

Good point Elaine. 
 

I had an experience of this.  In the U.K (I’m sure the US have similar) there is a website where men can get sex with another man pretty much instantly - it’s based on location so you can literally be introduced, and having sex within half an hour. It’s that instant … and it’s very popular. 
 

Anyway I found out that a guy I had been dating for 4/ 5 months was using the aforementioned site. I was appalled! Not because he liked men - I could have dealt with that. It was the fact he was promiscuous and he lied. His failure to tell me about his promiscuity was unwittingly putting me at risk…. I dropped him like a hot potato and got myself a STD test pronto …

Op, I don’t know if your partner is gay. However clearly there is something that is affecting his intimacy with you. Whether it’s he’s addicted to porn, gay, into MILF etc, the point is his interest is waning with you. This is very concerning and should not be swept under the carpet. 
 

Not only will you be perpetually sexually frustrated whilst married to this man, you are kissing your chance of having children (naturally) with him goodbye. Have you thought about that? You do know that no/ lack of sex equals no children right? 
 

No sex, no children and a husband who I suspect is gay is not marriage material in my opinion. 
 

Proceed very carefully. 

Edited December 31, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[stillafool]

On 12/22/2021 at 11:42 PM, BreannaJewel said:

so for now I just take everything day by day. 

You sound as if you would be okay if he were into men if he trusted you with this truth.  Let me ask you would you also be okay if he were into another woman?  

[kendahke]

On 12/22/2021 at 11:08 AM, Hmc said:

We are heading for engagement and marriage

No you aren't.

He's cutting you off from sex. No man who is into you cuts himself off from that of his own volition.

He's not too tired for porn and escort services. If he's gay/bi curious, you'd be willing to have a sham marriage in appearances only? A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

Stop investing in the fantasy that you're going to have the big white dress experience with him. He's showing you now that that is no longer on his radar.

Don't be his beard.