My first affair story

[Renee825]

Hello, it's my first post here. I'm in this situation now that no one else knows about. I felt sharing it here could help me in a way, so here goes. It's a long one!

~

I know that there isn't a "one size fits all" in terms of cheating... but if you knew me, I'd be one of the least likely people you think would cheat. My parents have been married for 50 years, and have been entirely faithful to each other that whole time. I'm in my early 30s, come from a Catholic background, and am a reserved, introverted type of person. My husband was my first official boyfriend (though I had casually dated previously). My husband is English and I'm American, and we had a LDR for a few years until I could move to the UK. Sure, I had crushes on a couple male friends during college, but never acted on them out of respect for my relationship. If you told me a few months ago that I would end up cheating, I would have told you you're crazy. 

We got married in the US in 2016, and I moved to the UK a few months later with my visa in hand. My husband works away from home during the week, and he's back home every weekend. This is just our schedule and we're used to it. Since moving to the UK, I've had LOTS of issues with depression, anxiety, homesickness. Of course, it hasn't been like that constantly. There have been plenty of good times too. I don't really have friends here, besides my husband's friends, as it's difficult for me to open up to people. I also work from home, as it allows me greater flexibility for visits back to the US. There have been plenty of times I've felt my husband hasn't been as understanding, and dare I say, selfish. This has caused issues, and divorce has come up more than once. I've felt resentment towards him. To be completely honest as well, I'm not sure if we've ever had a very strong spark. Sex isn't a big part of our lives, and my husband would rather look at porn than have sex. This has left me dissatisfied. At the same time, he's a absolutely wonderful, sweet man in many other aspects. My family adores him. He's put up with things that other men would have simply walked away from. He's a provider. He did not deserve this, at all. 

Earlier this year, things were really bad and I went back to the US for a while to stay with my family. My husband and I weren't officially separated or anything- I just needed space. I came back and we were in a better place. I should also add that for years, I've liked getting male attention. In started around 2018... maybe stemming for loneliness, that spark that just wasn't very present in my marriage? Whether it was catching a guy at the gym checking me out, or my husband's co-worker subtly flirting with me, I felt desired and I liked it. I know I'm probably not the only taken woman to feel this way. Even so, cheating never crossed my mind. 

A couple months ago, my husband and I had a bad argument. Frustrated and feeling down, in a very random moment of impulsivity I downloaded Tinder. This was extremely out of character for me. I was curious to see what everyone was talking about, and thought there was no harm in just "window shopping" local guys. My conscience was with me every step I took on Tinder though, and I knew every step was a step too far; from the initial download, to making a profile, to chatting to guys. Even so, I had no intention of cheating. Soon I began swiping and the likes piled up. It was addicting, all these men found me attractive in some way! I briefly chatted to a few guys, but they were either duds or came on way too strong. 

About a week of playing around on Tinder, I came across James (name has been changed). He was an attractive guy and seemed very honest in his profile. We matched and he messaged me right away. I was transparent with him and told him I was married, but open to friendship. He was completely understanding and non-judgemental, saying "you do you." James had a blue collar job and a son from a previous relationship, who he saw on weekends. Our chat soon moved to a different messaging source, and we were in contact a lot. We didn't have a ton in common but he was nice to talk to and was charming. I told him about my past marriage issues, and feelings of isolation. I felt mega butterflies, which I hadn't felt in years. Our chats became flirty, and we both agreed to no contact on weekends when my husband was home. 

He was respectful of my situation and knew my family life came first. He would say considerate things like "Hope you guys have a good weekend together." Soon enough, we began sexting and sending pictures. It turned me on so much, though I knew I shouldn't have been doing it. I justified it by reminding myself that nothing physical had happened, and therefore in my mind there was no cheating. However... we then started talking about meeting each other. There was a lot of sexual tension, and we hadn't even met yet. At the same time, he didn't put pressure on the first meeting. He said that sex wouldn't have to happen then if it didn't feel right; he'd just be happy to meet up and chat. 

The day before we were supposed to meet, he seemed aloof and hesitant. Maybe he had cold feet. At that point, I was doubtful we'd meet up at all so I thought I'd let it go. Surprisingly, the next day (at almost midnight), he asked if I was still up for meeting that night. He worked long shifts until late, so the only time we could meet was after midnight. He also lived 45 minutes away (I wouldn't dare meet up at my own house!). Not an ideal situation. I was in my pajamas and ready for bed when I got his message, and I initially told him we could meet another time. He sounded a little disappointed. Then, in a moment of complete spontaneity, I changed my mind and said I could meet up. So, I got ready and 50 minutes later, I was out the door. Yup, off to meet a guy from Tinder, at 1am, while married. Completely normal. I wasn't nervous on the drive there. Rather, I felt excited. I was curious to meet the man I'd been chatting to. At the same time, I knew what I was doing was completely nuts and wrong. 

I pulled up to his apartment and... there he was. He was slimmer than I expected, though very in shape. He had stubble and tattoos. He was a bit rough around the edges- quite different from my straight laced husband. He was good looking, though I was slightly more attracted to him in his pictures than I was in person. Of course, that attraction grew after we had sex. I was SO nervous, but we spent a good amount of time just talking. I could tell he was trying to put me at ease. We were flirting and I could feel the chemistry. One thing lead to another and we started kissing, though in my head the entire time I knew I shouldn't have been doing it. Kissing lead to sex. I'm still shocked at how quickly and easily it happened. I stayed there until early morning. On the drive home, my head was filled with mixed emotions. On one hand, I felt extreme guilt. On the other hand, I felt excited and happy. 

Days afterwards, the excited feeling overpowered the guilt, as horrible as that is. I felt confident, and frankly, like a badass. I think I felt more guilt BEFORE the infidelity actually happened. When the chatting became intense and we discussed meeting in person, I thought to myself "What would happen if I actually cheated? I couldn't do it." I brought myself to tears thinking of my poor husband then. Even on the first drive to his place, I thought more than once "It's not too late to just say no." Of course, I didn't heed my own advice. We stayed in contact, and each message I got from him felt like a high. We met up three more times, and the sex was amazing. We're talking multiple positions, rough, all night (sorry TMI). It felt so natural. I'd never experienced that before and felt like it was my big sexual awakening. We also took breaks for cuddling and talking. I stayed overnight and left in the early morning. We got along as friends, but also had an intense sexual chemistry.  He told me how gorgeous I was, how good in bed I was, how he couldn't wait to see me again. He filled this emptiness I had inside me. He said he felt okay with being the "other man," and told me one of his married friends had an on/off again affair for years. 

The last time we met, we kissed goodbye and everything seemed fine. We both agreed to meet up again in a couple days. Earlier that night, I asked if he still wanted to continue seeing each other. He said "yeah!" with "duh, of course!" tone. I texted him when I got home, and he didn't reply which was a bit unusual. The day we were supposed to meet, I messaged him and we exchanged a few audio messages. He sounded fine, but at the same time I was getting slightly "off" vibes from him. Call it a woman's intuition. He didn't reply to my last audio message, and I heard nothing more from him that day about meeting up. After that, it was obvious something was up, so I didn't press it any further. That was the last time I heard from him. It's been two weeks.

I would feel better if I had some closure from it, or a reason why our communication suddenly dropped. Did he feel too weird about being with a married woman? Did he only see me as a conquest and moved on? Who knows. We were in contact for 7 weeks and met up 4 times. It was short lived, but it really affected me. I feel used and like I meant nothing. Looking back, even in the short time I knew him he had some narcissistic tendencies, which I should have taken as a red flag. Hell, I should have taken being unfaithful as a major red flag. I can hide some of my feelings, but I've had to suffer in silence from this. And it 100% serves me right for cheating.  My husband has no idea and I will never tell him. I can't erase what I did. I'm trying to just forget about it and put it behind me. The worst part though, is that I have an itch now and I'm tempted to do it again. I'm struggling, guys. 
 

[stillafool]

Yes basically he just had (mutual) sex with you and that's it.  He may still have your contact info if he wants to do it again when a dry spell hits.  You are a married woman what else do you expect or can you offer?  He did not use you as you were more than willing as you stated about your thoughts on the drive there.  People from all backgrounds cheat and there's nothiing you mentioned about yours that gives the impression you won't.

[LynneVicious]

Since you describe it as an itch that needs to be scratched, and it only ended because he ghosted you, I think you should leave your husband. You have a cold way of explaining how you betrayed your husband. It doesn’t sound like you love him. And you out his health at risk  

And since you fear it will happen again, there’s no reason to stay married. Don’t be that woman. Let your husband go so he can have a faithful partner. What you’re doing is selfish. 

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

You have a cold way of explaining how you betrayed your husband.

Agreed. I don’t hear any remorse, just a whole lot of justification. And of course, the selfish entitlement that allows you to keep this basic truth from your husband.

I think it would serve you both if you divorced and moved back to the US. 

5 hours ago, Renee825 said:

The worst part though, is that I have an itch now and I'm tempted to do it again.

You didn’t learn the lesson here. You are at high risk to reoffend. Your husband deserves more than this. Sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Renee825 said:

 The worst part though, is that I have an itch now and I'm tempted to do it again. 

How is your marriage overall? Is there a lack of affection and communication?

Did your husband cheat on you? Are you seeking validation? thrills? an escape from a humdrum existence?

Reflect on the reason for feeling the need to "scratch this itch again"? Insight can be the first step to understanding it.

 

Edited December 23, 2021 by Wiseman2

[pepperbird2]

op,

I promise I'm not trying to be mean when I say this, but you aren't being honest with yourself.
To start with, you lament not having any friends where you are and that you're lonely. Fair enough, but instead of directing your energy towards making new friendships, you chose to have an affair. You're also very "cold" about it and show little to no insight into the pain you could cause your spouse.

Be honest with yourself here. When you lay aside al the excuses and justifications, can you say that, in your hearts of hearts, you love your husband enough to be faithful to him? If not, you have some tough choices to make. IS your marriage really what you want?

[HappilyMarried]

I'm sorry @Renee825but after reading your entire post I have a few comments. I really don't think you feel much remorse at all your post comes off as if you are more sad and upset with the OM ghosting you than you are about what you have done to your husband and your marriage. Next, I think if you are honest with yourself when you downloaded tinder you knew deep down when this would end up at. Finally, I think you will cheat again and probably within the next month or so. I think what would be best for you would be to sit down and talk to your husband and say that this is just not working and divorce him and moved back to the US and get on with your life and let him move on with his. Best of luck!

[mark clemson]

18 hours ago, Renee825 said:

I would feel better if I had some closure from it, or a reason why our communication suddenly dropped. Did he feel too weird about being with a married woman? Did he only see me as a conquest and moved on? Who knows. We were in contact for 7 weeks and met up 4 times. It was short lived, but it really affected me. I feel used and like I meant nothing.

Tinder is an app with a very specific purpose.

It sounds like you went looking for validation and ended up cheating. But you took a lot of very specific steps. Perhaps you were looking to monkeybranch to a new relationship all along and simply can't admit this to yourself due to your "moral background" and/or the risk that things wouldn't pan out?

Validation is nice, but keep in mind it can (literally) become a mild addiction. Like any addiction, it's NOT a good place to be.

I think you have a lot to think about WRT to what this whole "experience" means in terms of where you are in life and your marriage.

[petee]

Is there a reason why you remain married? Have you thought of the utter devastation you will cause your husband, and the consequences of a pregnancy that isn't his or the spread of a disease to him?

Very selfish so far.

[Luna66star]

 

Driving to a stranger's house at 1:00 am is not something you ought to be proud of.  Also think of your own safety factor.  You didn't know this guy at all except through messages.  He could have slit your throat or worse drugged you.  Never trust a a stranger, especially one that gets in touch after midnight for a booty call. You were lucky he didn't cause you any physical harm.  What about STD's?  I would also get tested asap  Maybe there was a level of trust on your part due to the messages?  It was a dangerous move.

In this sort of situation, of course you will feel used.  You allowed it.  You agreed.  

I think you were very lonely and reached out to the internet for a quick fix.