Fay123 Posted December 23, 2021 Share Posted December 23, 2021 I need a little guidance on what to do. I’ve been with my husband for 5-6 years and we’ve been married for 1.5 years. We have our ups and downs but I feel like the downs are weighing me down more and more. We started out as friends, thinking that we would never be a good match together and then somehow evolved into a relationship. I feel like I became dependent on him way too quickly and dived into the relationship too fast now. All these years later, I’ve started to feel like a roommate/business partner more than a romantic partner. We still have a great friendship and practically spend 24/7 together but there is barely any romantic feelings towards one another. We have lazy sex quite often lol. The main issue I am having is our fights. We have a big fight about twice a year where he will say he thinks I’m fat (I’m 140 pounds not fat just a little chubby), disgusting, selfish, I don’t listen, he’s no longer attracted to me, he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore, he wants a divorce, he thinks I’m lazy and useless and a financial burden, that he has to yell and berate me to get me to do anything for him, and he demands for a reason for us to stay together but none of my reasons at the time are good enough for him. Then the next day he will act like it never happened, say he’s sorry and that if I improve my communication/listening skills and he works on his anger issues then we can make the marriage works. He will then say he still loves me and wants to stay in this marriage but he refuses to go to therapy or marriage counseling. Months later, it’ll happen again. It is mentally and emotionally abusive. Between the fights we are great, although a bit more like friends/business partners/roommates than husband and wife. After that long post, I suppose what I’m getting at is I don’t know if I should stay and make things work. I feel stuck, like we aren’t growing, and I really wish he would be willing to do marriage counseling. We don’t have kids or debt at this time. I really want kids and he is very opposed to kids and always states that he doesn’t think I’m capable of being a good mother. He doesn’t think highly of me. Despite all that, I still love him. What do you think I should do? I’m only 31 (happy birthday today to me with a big argument two days before my birthday). Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 23, 2021 Share Posted December 23, 2021 He’s emotionally abusive and I disagree with marriage counselling because of his behaviour. Speak to a lawyer in private instead and start taking better care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 23, 2021 Share Posted December 23, 2021 If you really want kids tell him you do, you feel he's no longer in love with you, says abusive things and you want a divorce. You said he considers you a financial burden but you don't have kids; so do you work and are you able to support yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fay123 Posted December 23, 2021 Author Share Posted December 23, 2021 I am a school teacher so I don’t bring as much money to the relationship as he does. Also the latest fight where he yelled and said he wanted a divorce was after I didn’t hear him say he wanted ketchup for his sandwich. He said I was selfish and don’t listen because of that Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted December 23, 2021 Share Posted December 23, 2021 Look into breaking abusive cycles. Read up on it. Your self-esteem sounds broken and you seem confused about what’s happening around you. He tells you you’re selfish and wants a divorce over ketchup. You’re likely wondering why someone would say something like that and it’s one shock to your system after another. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 23, 2021 Share Posted December 23, 2021 23 minutes ago, Fay123 said: I am a school teacher so I don’t bring as much money to the relationship as he does. So you do at least make enough money to take care of yourself. You don't need to stay in this abusive marriage, especially since you still want kids and he does not. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 23, 2021 Share Posted December 23, 2021 2 hours ago, Fay123 said: It is mentally and emotionally abusive. Happy birthday. Marriage therapy is contraindicated in abuse. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask fora referral to a qualified therapist. Do Not Tell your husband. Also consult an attorney to discuss your options in the event of divorce. Do Not tell your husband. You need leverage and professionals you can speak to privately and confidentially who are there for you. Abusers do not change. It cycles the way you describe. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 11, 2022 Share Posted January 11, 2022 On 12/23/2021 at 9:20 AM, Fay123 said: We have a big fight about twice a year where he will say he thinks I’m fat (I’m 140 pounds not fat just a little chubby), disgusting, selfish, I don’t listen, he’s no longer attracted to me, he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore, he wants a divorce, he thinks I’m lazy and useless and a financial burden, that he has to yell and berate me to get me to do anything for him, and he demands for a reason for us to stay together but none of my reasons at the time are good enough for him. Then the next day he will act like it never happened, say he’s sorry and that if I improve my communication/listening skills and he works on his anger issues then we can make the marriage works. He will then say he still loves me and wants to stay in this marriage but he refuses to go to therapy or marriage counseling. Months later, it’ll happen again. I saw red when I read this (probably because it triggered me.) No! He doesn't get to abuse you to that extent, and then gaslight you the next day by telling you that YOU need to improve your communication/listening skills. Do not have children with this man! It would be one thing if he took responsibility and agreed to therapy and marriage counseling. He doesn't even respect you or your marriage enough to agree to therapy! Talk to a lawyer and start looking for an apartment. Don't even tell him your plans until you have your ducks in a row and have made arrangements. You are an educated woman and capable of self-sufficiency and you deserve better that this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 On 12/23/2021 at 4:20 PM, Fay123 said: I need a little guidance on what to do. I’ve been with my husband for 5-6 years and we’ve been married for 1.5 years. We have our ups and downs but I feel like the downs are weighing me down more and more. We started out as friends, thinking that we would never be a good match together and then somehow evolved into a relationship. I feel like I became dependent on him way too quickly and dived into the relationship too fast now. All these years later, I’ve started to feel like a roommate/business partner more than a romantic partner. We still have a great friendship and practically spend 24/7 together but there is barely any romantic feelings towards one another. We have lazy sex quite often lol. The main issue I am having is our fights. We have a big fight about twice a year where he will say he thinks I’m fat (I’m 140 pounds not fat just a little chubby), disgusting, selfish, I don’t listen, he’s no longer attracted to me, he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore, he wants a divorce, he thinks I’m lazy and useless and a financial burden, that he has to yell and berate me to get me to do anything for him, and he demands for a reason for us to stay together but none of my reasons at the time are good enough for him. Then the next day he will act like it never happened, say he’s sorry and that if I improve my communication/listening skills and he works on his anger issues then we can make the marriage works. He will then say he still loves me and wants to stay in this marriage but he refuses to go to therapy or marriage counseling. Months later, it’ll happen again. It is mentally and emotionally abusive. Between the fights we are great, although a bit more like friends/business partners/roommates than husband and wife. After that long post, I suppose what I’m getting at is I don’t know if I should stay and make things work. I feel stuck, like we aren’t growing, and I really wish he would be willing to do marriage counseling. We don’t have kids or debt at this time. I really want kids and he is very opposed to kids and always states that he doesn’t think I’m capable of being a good mother. He doesn’t think highly of me. Despite all that, I still love him. What do you think I should do? I’m only 31 (happy birthday today to me with a big argument two days before my birthday). If he really does not want kids (and not just saying it) you have a big decision to make. Stay with no kids or end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts