Shall I end my relationship?

[maymay24]

I love my bf and I think he loves me too. We’ve been dating for 3 months but knew each other for several months before. We rarely argue- I think this is partly because we choose to ignore red flags.

His background is very different to mine, he is a private school boy and generally wealthy. I live in a counsel flat and share a room with my sibling. He knows all the ‘posh’ places and stores and I have no idea-i’m simply not part of that world.

Im insecure when i’m around him and slowly our difference are becoming more visible. I don’t think his family will ever accept me. Im a muslim with strict parents so I can’t even do relationship stuff with him e.g. go on holiday, without lying to my parents. I feel like i’m living a double life, I hate lying to my parents but I also know he treats me so well and genuinely cares about me - I think I deserve some ‘good’ in my life.

Shall I break up with him and avoid all the issues that are going to come up in the future e.g. having to lie to my parents about my whereabouts until we are married, knowing his family will never accept me and feeling like I don’t belong in his fancy world. 

I think about my situation a lot and sometimes wish he could break up with me to make it easier. This is affecting my mental health, Im constantly tired and don’t want to do anything other than lay in my bed. I don’t even want to have sex with him anymore because i simply know we are not going to last.

Im stuck between pursuing someone who treats me well knowing that it’s going to be difficult or just breaking up with him because that way I would avoid all the issues in the future. He could lose feelings any day so i’m not sure if he would fight with me or just give up on me.  

Edited December 24, 2021 by maymay24
spelling

[Sun Seeker]

How old are you? If you are over 18 then why do you care so much what your parents think? Why do you need to lie to them? Tell them the truth, if they don't like it, that's their problem. It's your life to live how you want, not how they want.

The person who you are in a relationship with is the person who you are going to build your life and future with, they should be your priority, not your parents and what they think.

If you can't stand up for yourself and live your own life and are always going to be in the shadow of your parents, then its better to break up yes, so he can meet someone who makes their own decisions without being scared.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, maymay24 said:

 we choose to ignore red flags.

I don’t think his family will ever accept me. I hate lying to my parents 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Where did you meet?

3 mos. dating is a good time to observe if you are happy, compatible and a good fit.

Unfortunately having to sneak around because your parents wouldn't approve is causing you distress.

How does he feel about the socioeconomic, religious and cultural differences?

[maymay24]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Where did you meet?

3 mos. dating is a good time to observe if you are happy, compatible and a good fit.

Unfortunately having to sneak around because your parents wouldn't approve is causing you distress.

How does he feel about the socioeconomic, religious and cultural differences?

He is 26 & I’m 25 and we met at work. I currently out-earn him as I was his manager (he changed jobs recently).  In terms of socioeconomic issues- he honestly doesn’t see any issues because the reality is it doesn’t affect him as much as it affects me e.g. the money and the lifestyle. He is a white British northern man who has never been exposed to diversity. Whereas Im from a minority group who has spent all her life in inner city London.

 

With regards to religion, he was born into a Christian family but they are not very religious e.g. they don’t go Church but will celebrate Christmas.

[maymay24]

6 hours ago, Sun Seeker said:

How old are you? If you are over 18 then why do you care so much what your parents think? Why do you need to lie to them? Tell them the truth, if they don't like it, that's their problem. It's your life to live how you want, not how they want.

The person who you are in a relationship with is the person who you are going to build your life and future with, they should be your priority, not your parents and what they think.

If you can't stand up for yourself and live your own life and are always going to be in the shadow of your parents, then its better to break up yes, so he can meet someone who makes their own decisions without being scared.

Thank you for the input. I don’t think it’s as easy as you think. It’s like saying to victim of domestic abuse/emotional abuse to just leave their partner. I love my parents and don’t want to lose my connection with them, they are very traditional but we, as a family, are very close to each other. We have family holidays together, we spend quality time with each other and actually discuss things. But you are right he probably does deserve someone who can take on her own family for him. 

[glows]

Well, class and wealth don’t necessarily mean a person is blind or devoid of conscience. That he’s dating you obviously knowing that you have to lie to your family is an issue. Why associate with a person who isn’t fazed by that? If he’s as oblivious or ignorant as you make him out to be, that’s a major turn off. 

I’m normally quite thick-skinned when it comes to interracial/cultural issues but you mentioned some things in your post that are disturbing.

Firstly no one wants to ever worry about being accepted by family or loved ones. Second, you’re lying to live and it’s eating you alive. Your conscience is heavy. 

I live by one rule and everything else in my life cascades down from this one thing I insist upon. If someone or something does not give me peace of mind, it doesn’t need to be there. Peace of mind governs nearly everything I do. I don’t tolerate much outside of that.

If this relationship brings you this amount of distress and you know in your heart of hearts he too is ignoring all the red flags, end it to pursue your happiness. 

 

Edited December 24, 2021 by glows

[Sun Seeker]

20 minutes ago, maymay24 said:

Thank you for the input. I don’t think it’s as easy as you think. It’s like saying to victim of domestic abuse/emotional abuse to just leave their partner. I love my parents and don’t want to lose my connection with them, they are very traditional but we, as a family, are very close to each other. We have family holidays together, we spend quality time with each other and actually discuss things. But you are right he probably does deserve someone who can take on her own family for him. 

You seem to be making a lot of excuses. Why would you not tell a victim or abuse to just leave their partner? That would solve the problem, it really is as easy as that.

That's fine you are close to your family, and be as traditional as you want, but that does not change the fact you are on this Earth to live YOUR life. Not the life your parents want you to live. Not by the rules your parents make. If they don't accept you for who you are, for the choices you make, for the partner you choose, then they don't love you as much as you think.

[maymay24]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Well, class and wealth don’t necessarily mean a person is blind or devoid of conscience. That he’s dating you obviously knowing that you have to lie to your family is an issue. Why associate with a person who isn’t fazed by that? If he’s as oblivious or ignorant as you make him out to be, that’s a major turn off. 

I’m normally quite thick-skinned when it comes to interracial/cultural issues but you mentioned some things in your post that are disturbing.

Firstly no one wants to ever worry about being accepted by family or loved ones. Second, you’re lying to live and it’s eating you alive. Your conscience is heavy. 

I live by one rule and everything else in my life cascades down from this one thing I insist upon. If someone or something does not give me peace of mind, it doesn’t need to be there. Peace of mind governs nearly everything I do. I don’t tolerate much outside of that.

If this relationship brings you this amount of distress and you know in your heart of hearts he too is ignoring all the red flags, end it to pursue your happiness. 

 

Thank you for the input, I don’t think he is oblivious, it’s just hard for him to understand. It’s not that he isn’t fazed by the fact that I need to lie to my parents, I think he simply wants to see me so he doesn’t want to stress me more by asking about my parents. 

I think i’ve probably explained it wrong in my post, my parents will not stop me from pursuing something with him-if they can see some level of commitment. I can’t do basic relationship stuff (go on vacation) because they haven’t seen any commitment - which is normal because we’ve only been dating for 3 months. 

 

[maymay24]

1 hour ago, Sun Seeker said:

You seem to be making a lot of excuses. Why would you not tell a victim or abuse to just leave their partner? That would solve the problem, it really is as easy as that.

That's fine you are close to your family, and be as traditional as you want, but that does not change the fact you are on this Earth to live YOUR life. Not the life your parents want you to live. Not by the rules your parents make. If they don't accept you for who you are, for the choices you make, for the partner you choose, then they don't love you as much as you think.

Thank you for your input, I guess i’m just scared to take that step. I know my parents will be fine after all but it’s scary because I know their reaction. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, maymay24 said:

Thank you for the input, I don’t think he is oblivious, it’s just hard for him to understand. It’s not that he isn’t fazed by the fact that I need to lie to my parents, I think he simply wants to see me so he doesn’t want to stress me more by asking about my parents. 

I think i’ve probably explained it wrong in my post, my parents will not stop me from pursuing something with him-if they can see some level of commitment. I can’t do basic relationship stuff (go on vacation) because they haven’t seen any commitment - which is normal because we’ve only been dating for 3 months. 

 

You probably have to make up your mind about how you feel with him as a man/person and whether he's worth bringing up to your parents in the first place. That's what dating is for. You're seeing whether that person is compatible with you especially if what you're interested in is a longer term relationship. If it takes a little longer to decide, that's ok. I think it's odd that he doesn't ask you about your parents or take greater interest in your life. It's akin to pushing things under the rug - what I don't know about, doesn't exist. Eventually that honeymoon phase will end and both of you will be left wondering if you ever knew each other to begin with. 

 

 

Edited December 24, 2021 by glows