Submarining

[Runninggirl]

After my previous relationship my ex keeps breaking no contact after typically 2-4 weeks, pretends like nothing, seem eager to be back, only to ghost again a while later. Sometimes months, sometimes weeks. I used to think of his as bread crumbing, but I recently learned a better fitting word; submarining. He doesn't just leave a few breadcrumbs, normally he initiates full contact again for a longer period, only to disappear. Even if he's dating someone else or talking to someone new. 

This thread isn't for concrete advice regarding this ex. Im staying in no contact, and his contact doesn't affect me much anymore. 

But I think its interesting why people behave this way, and I dont understand why, but maybe there's some reasonable theories here! If the point was to have a backup, bread crumbing all the time seems better. 

From my personal experience I broke up with a guy many years ago. For a long time after the break up I was bread crumbing him. I meant no harm, and didn't realize what I was doing because no one had ever done it to be at the time. I kept him hooked because I wasn't fully over him, and I had him as a backup. But when I was finally fully over it, I simply ended the contact and it fizzled out. But I never ever did the ghosting and reappearing/submarining. I can't imagine that I would either. Because I wouldn't feel like I still had him around, and when he was gone I would probably just get over it faster. ESPECIALLY if I started dating someone else. 

So does anybody have any valuable input on this new dating term? 

[stillafool]

 

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I kept him hooked because I wasn't fully over him, and I had him as a backup. But when I was finally fully over it, I simply ended the contact and it fizzled out.

I think men keep women as back up for additional sex if and when they need it.  I think men who disappear then reappear for a time have other options.  Why wouldn't they continue to reappear from time to time after being gone if a woman lets them?

[basil67]

Sometimes people stay in contact while they are weaning themselves off the other partner.  Or are trying to keep a kind of friendship happening.   It's not the wisest choice, but nor is it a deliberately ploy to use the ex.  

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

So does anybody have any valuable input on this new dating term? 

A new term doesn't mean it is a new phenomenon. It isn't. It's just rebranding the behaviour of people who blow in and out of your life when they feel like it. 

So it doesn't matter what it's called. It's the same old, at the end of the day: someone without enough interest in you to date you, but willing to keep you around in case other options don't pan out. 

[glows]

Only politely and firmly close that door and request your privacy and peace. Viola. A long time ago I learned to do this otherwise past relationships do come back. They always come back for some reason or other. Best to just keep a respectful distance.

It may be out of need for closure, out of loneliness or missing that companionship, general unrest or missing you in particular or worse, the other person’s regret or remorse. I stopped wondering a long time ago why or the reasons others have in doing what they do. Before I allow myself to think poorly of that person, it’s best to let go permanently and be clear that I need that privacy. 

Nothing too new here and the theories are endless. I believe the real question may be.. would any of it matter? You have the rest of your life to live. Why live it looking backwards?

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by glows

[poppyfields]

May be a new name but it's been happening since like --  forever!! I've read about it in so many sources, reputable sources, it's about -- fear. 

Fear of commitment, fear of intimacy, fear of closeness, fear of vulnerability and who knows what else.  Such people are so conflicted, on one hand they desire intimacy and closeness but on the other, fear it. 

Here's how that fear manifests itself from what I've read. 

He/she gets close, the fear kicks in, they disappear.  They might even feel turned off 

Once they're gone, or you are gone, there is no longer any threat to their very existence (which is how they often feel) and as such the fear subsides or disappears.  Thus they will begin missing you, longing for you. 

So they reach out and repeat the entire cycle again.

Fight or flight.  Meaning, some people with such fears will stay and fight with you, pick fights for no reason, it's a way to create emotional distance.  Others will take flight and disappear. Run away.   It's a never-ending cycle of push/pull, hot/cold, off/on.

My advice when encountering such person is the first time they disappear, let them stay gone. 

Don't allow back in, can almost guarantee the same thing will happen again, just as you have experienced.

I have a friend who went through this for seven (7) years with her extremely conflicted boyfriend and it emotionally destroyed her.

Don't be that girl, block, delete, change your phone number, whatever you have to do to move on.

Do not allow him access to you, nothing will change and your "love" will not help him.  In fact, it's your love that is what scares him. 

That's one theory anyway, but it's never black and white.  

He could also have NO such fears but having a dry spell and calls on the girl who will allow him to come and go without much of a hassle. 

In any event, glad you have chosen to remain no contact and all the best continuing to move forward!

 

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by poppyfields