Wife of 14 years cheated. Heartbroken

[Eightytwo]

Hi all

I’m new here as I just need perspective and to write something down. 
 

My wife and I have been happily married for 14 years. We are both 39. We have 2 wonderful children who are healthy and thriving at school. We have a family home and both have good jobs. 
 

2 weeks ago my wife went out with her best friend of 20 years whilst I was working a nightshift. All was going well and she’s great at texting abs letting me know she’s safe etc etc. 

Last contact was around 2am to which she said she was at local bars to home and waiting for a taxi. Time passed abs we use “find my iPhone” regularly to see when we both leave work for evening meals etc etc so I looked on my phone to find her location at the waterfront of our local beach. Pitch black and all away from anyone. 
 

I rang her and no answer. Eventually she picks up to say she’s been for a walk and to get some air. I explained that that was extremely dangerous and what was she thinking!! Minutes later she was in an Uber coming home. She arrived back not drunk but obviously had had a lot of drinks. 
 

The next morning I pushed her on what the hell had she been doing and she broke down and said she was never going to tell me to avoid hurting me. She had been in the bar and flattered by a man’s attention (she looks great as just lost 4 stone in weight) and the man asked her to sit down. They kissed and even brought up who was the family on her phone wallpaper to which she told him it was her husband and kids. 
She then suggested to go for a walk and eventually went to the secluded spot at the beach. More kissing happened and she is adamant and swears on the kids lives that she didn’t touch him. He groped her and gave her oral sex and inserted his fingers inside her. 
 

I was devastated. It feels like my whole world self destructed at that very moment.  She said she wasn’t used to a strangers attention abs that she was flattered. I said I kind of understood as she looks amazing recently since loosing so much weight but how the hell could she act on it? Surly the first kiss was the reality check she needed?! Obviously not. That lead her to push it further. 
 

I couldn’t look at her. I called her names and had threw everything away knowingly leading this guy on and doing what she done. 
 

I respect the honesty but can’t let it lie as she only told me as I pushed her. She said she would never have told me to avoid hurting me. 
 

he best friend witnessed what was going on and dis nothing too so that relationship is now also dead. 
 

I checked into a hotel for 4 days just to come back home for Christmas Eve to ensure the kids were happy. 
 

I don’t want to split up our family and destroy the kids lives. They 4 and 9. 
 

I hate my wife for this but can’t imagine not being with her as I’ve been with her for so long. We tried to be amicable with each other and it was ok but every time I forget what she don’t in a moment that’s shattered as I remember and makes me feel nauseous and sick to think of her skirt pulled up with a stranger down the local marina like she was 19 on a girls holiday in Ibiza. 
 

I now feel like I’m doing more and more to try better myself or keep her happy as if it’s my fault which is crazy and our relationship before was good. 
 

What do I do? I can’t afford to move out on my own without leaving the family home and filing for divorce.  
 

Sorry for the long winded post. I’m just lost at the moment. If we didn’t have any kids I’m sure I’d be king gone or something far more serious. 
 

Thanks for reading. 
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Edited December 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed offensive word

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Eightytwo said:

He groped her and gave her oral sex and inserted his fingers inside her. 

Sorry this happened. Don't have sex and get tested for STDs. Who was watching the kids while she's out drinking? Has she strayed before? 

[Eightytwo]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Don't have sex and get tested for STDs. Who was watching the kids while she's out drinking? Has she strayed before? 

No nothing ever. She rarely goes out and doesn’t drink much. It was a one off. We generally go out together. Kids were safe at my mums as having a sleepover so no issues with kids. 

She’s adamant that she stopped things before and came to here senses before full on sex occurred. Don’t know if I believe that or not but she said if she did she’d have said as nothing to hide as the oral sex is just as bad so nothing to hide regarding full sex if it happened but she insists it didn’t  

Makes no difference in my book. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, Eightytwo said:

She’s adamant that she stopped things before and came to here senses before full on sex occurred. Don’t know if I believe that or not but she said if she did she’d have said as nothing to hide as the oral sex is just as bad so nothing to hide regarding full sex if it happened but she insists it didn’t

Eh, cheaters often trickle-truth. Maybe she didn't have sex with him, but maybe that was because you interrupted them when you called. Maybe she came to her senses and stopped everything. Or maybe a lot more happened than she will ever admit to. 

But what she has admitted to is bad enough. And it indicates there are some big problems in your marriage. Something is very wrong to go from never having cheated to a late-night romp with a stranger in public. Being flattered by someone is one thing, but acting on your impulsive desires is quite another. I am also quite concerned her best friend didn't bat an eye or maybe try to steer her back to her senses. It's not her responsibility to tell your wife what to do, of course, but my instinct would be to pull my married BFF aside and ask her what the eff she was doing kissing a stranger. Which makes me wonder if this isn't as out of character for your wife as you think it is. 

You two have some serious and hard conversations ahead of you. She's destroyed your trust, and she is not as committed to you as you previously thought. That is where the real heavy-lifting will need to be done, if you decide you want to give her another chance. It's time for her to be honest about whether she is truly on the same page as you regarding this marriage, because it sure doesn't appear so. 

[Eightytwo]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Eh, cheaters often trickle-truth. Maybe she didn't have sex with him, but maybe that was because you interrupted them when you called. Maybe she came to her senses and stopped everything. Or maybe a lot more happened than she will ever admit to. 

But what she has admitted to is bad enough. And it indicates there are some big problems in your marriage. Something is very wrong to go from never having cheated to a late-night romp with a stranger in public. Being flattered by someone is one thing, but acting on your impulsive desires is quite another. I am also quite concerned her best friend didn't bat an eye or maybe try to steer her back to her senses. It's not her responsibility to tell your wife what to do, of course, but my instinct would be to pull my married BFF aside and ask her what the eff she was doing kissing a stranger. Which makes me wonder if this isn't as out of character for your wife as you think it is. 

You two have some serious and hard conversations ahead of you. She's destroyed your trust, and she is not as committed to you as you previously thought. That is where the real heavy-lifting will need to be done, if you decide you want to give her another chance. It's time for her to be honest about whether she is truly on the same page as you regarding this marriage, because it sure doesn't appear so. 

The intimacy of kissing is just as bad as that’s so much more personal to me. Regardless full sex, half sex call it what you will it’s all the same level of betrayal.
 

She wants to be together abs wants to compartmentalise it and put it in a box at the back of her mind never to re-appear. I told her I can’t do that. 

I keep blowing hot abs cold. One moment I forget, the next I remember what she did. It’s like a emotional roller coaster of up abs down. I fake smiled through Christmas Day at my mums and dads as a “family” when all I wanted to do was tell everyone how horrid she is. 
 

She had the audacity to stick up for her friend and say it’s not her fault and not down to her to tell my wife what to do as she’s said she was capable of making her own decisions. This is poor as her best friend has been friends with me for just as long as my wife so she should have said something. 
 

Don’t know how I move on from this and if I do try take her back am I setting myself up for a lifetime of looking over my shoulder and suspecting her at every moment of doing it again?  

Edited December 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
offensive word

[glows]

5 hours ago, Eightytwo said:

Don’t know how I move on from this and if I do try take her back am I setting myself up for a lifetime of looking over my shoulder and suspecting her at every moment of doing it again?  

Yes, that’s my thought as well. She betrayed you and that trust may not ever be repaired.

[ ] 

It’s odd that she’s expecting either of you to forget this and move on. Is she remorseful? Why do you feel guilty and like you have to tip toe around her? You’re in shock but you haven’t cheated. 

Secondly, her self-worth seems to be rock bottom if a stranger’s compliments are enough to tip her over. Has she never experienced feeling confident and beautiful? Those are inadequacies and issues she has with her body and it’s not clear whether she’s always been like this or whether your marriage had anything to do with it. 

Edited December 26, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[Eightytwo]

[ ] 
 

She’s always struggled with her weight especially egret the kids but over the years I’ve daily said she’s beautiful, loved and sexy. I’m big on that so she’s always known how good she looks. We even recently had a photoshoot done for her as a celebration of how much work she’s done to loose 4st and everyone myself includes were gobsmacked how sexy, confident and beautiful she looked. 
 

I don’t see the remorse however she’s said it’s eating her up inside she’s just trying to forget. She’s keeping busy doing household stuff and acts like nothings ever happened whilst I’m being ripped apart at each emotion. 
Yeah it could be her way of dealing with it but it just looks like it’s nothing. 

In a bizarre sort of way I’m blaming myself for not being good enough of lacking in something she’s wanted or missing without knowing anything. I’m feeling like it’s my fault too which is crazy speak but ultimately the way I’m feeling. 
 

Edited December 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content/removed quote

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Eightytwo said:

Makes no difference in my book. 

Agree. It's awful that her way of celebrating a 50 pound weight loss was to get drunk and disgusting with some random. Why did she tell you all this? Was she usually insecure? 

This won't be easy to forgive, no matter what precisely happened play by play. Somehow she wanted you to know. She's aware of the phone app so she knew what she was doing. 

[glows]

12 minutes ago, Eightytwo said:

I get that. The slut remark is my trying to push the blame to something other than the woman I love.
 

She’s always struggled with her weight especially egret the kids but over the years I’ve daily said she’s beautiful, loved and sexy. I’m big on that so she’s always known how good she looks. We even recently had a photoshoot done for her as a celebration of how much work she’s done to loose 4st and everyone myself includes were gobsmacked how sexy, confident and beautiful she looked. 
 

I don’t see the remorse however she’s said it’s eating her up inside she’s just trying to forget. She’s keeping busy doing household stuff and acts like nothings ever happened whilst I’m being ripped apart at each emotion. 
Yeah it could be her way of dealing with it but it just looks like it’s nothing. 

In a bizarre sort of way I’m blaming myself for not being good enough of lacking in something she’s wanted or missing without knowing anything. I’m feeling like it’s my fault too which is crazy speak but ultimately the way I’m feeling. 
 

Although it’s painful hold off on blaming yourself. When those thoughts come around, feeling low and not enough, change the thought pattern or focus on something else.

What you’ve experienced is betrayal, demoralizing and life-altering. The vows you took together and the life you’ve built together are dashed in a few hours. 

You both might benefit from marriage counselling to assist in rebuilding trust. Once your thoughts are clear or you’ve decided if you want to stay in the marriage, communicate with her. Tell her what you need in the marriage. Of course this is depending on whether you’re able to look past what has happened or can be certain it doesn’t happen again. If you can’t be sure whether this is the case, I’d look at other options. 

I wanted to also mention your kids. You mentioned earlier feeling responsible at ruining their lives should you break up the family. Seeing their father broken without peace of mind or your spirit trampled will do damage too. They look to you so take care of you.

[Eightytwo]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. It's awful that her way of celebrating a 50 pound weight loss was to get drunk and disgusting with some random. Why did she tell you all this? Was she usually insecure? 

This won't be easy to forgive, no matter what precisely happened play by play. Somehow she wanted you to know. She's aware of the phone app so she knew what she was doing. 

She said that if I wouldn’t have quizzed her about what she was doing at the beach then I’d never know as she’d openly said she would not have told me to save me from the hurt. 
 
We daily use find my iPhone to check each others timings from work etc etc 

I think she only told me coz there could be no other relational reason to be on the beach that far out in the dark at 2am. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Eightytwo said:

In a bizarre sort of way I’m blaming myself for not being good enough of lacking in something she’s wanted or missing without knowing anything.

This is very common for people who've been betrayed. 

Even though it is not about anything you lack, it's such a blow to one's self-esteem that it's nearly instinctual to wonder (at least at times): Why wasn't I enough? So every time that thought enters your mind, counteract it by reminding that voice that she lacks something: boundaries, respect for you, and the willingness to say no to temptation. 

You're understandably a whirlwind of horrible feelings right now, OP. I would say don't make any big decisions yet, until you've had time to process the shock a bit more. But you're right that your wife absolutely cannot expect you to just sweep this under the rug and move on. No. She has changed the goalposts of your marriage and altered the landscape dramatically. It is going to require a lot  of conversation and some painful truths, no matter which direction you decide to take moving forward. 

[Eightytwo]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Although it’s painful hold off on blaming yourself. When those thoughts come around, feeling low and not enough, change the thought pattern or focus on something else.

What you’ve experienced is betrayal, demoralizing and life-altering. The vows you took together and the life you’ve built together are dashed in a few hours. 

You both might benefit from marriage counselling to assist in rebuilding trust. Once your thoughts are clear or you’ve decided if you want to stay in the marriage, communicate with her. Tell her what you need in the marriage. Of course this is depending on whether you’re able to look past what has happened or can be certain it doesn’t happen again. If you can’t be sure whether this is the case, I’d look at other options. 

I wanted to also mention your kids. You mentioned earlier feeling responsible at ruining their lives should you break up the family. Seeing their father broken without peace of mind or your spirit trampled will do damage too. They look to you so take care of you.

@glows thanks you so much for this. It means more than you know 🙏🏻

[Estes]

3 hours ago, Eightytwo said:

I think she only told me coz there could be no other relational reason to be on the beach that far out in the dark at 2am. 

That's correct. However the odds that she's being honest and told you everything are slim to none.

The worst part is that you'll probably never know and if you stay with her that question will be burning in your mind forever.

If you divorce, you'll probably still wonder from time to time but it will become nothing more than a painless curiosity of sorts.

 

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, Estes said:

However the odds that she's being honest and told you everything are slim to none.

I agree. Telling you part of it, because there was no other explanation, while withholding the worst of it, precisely fits the other thing she said... that she would've not told you anything if she didn't have to. Even though to you right now it may seem any betrayal is betrayal, in her mind not having followed through to intercourse would differentiate this from infidelity. IOW, the motivation for not admitting everything is obvious. The difference is a big deal, and trickle truthing is what people do in such scenarios. I'm sorry you're going through this. Take good care of yourself and remember it was NOT your fault in any way, shape or form. So don't fall into that hole.

Edited December 26, 2021 by salparadise

[colingrant]

Don't question your intelligence, gut or common sense. Once you start to question those three things, you'll seek to find answers from the person you are least likely to get answers from, your wife. TRUST WHAT YOU ARE SEEING, HEARING AND FEELING. Your intuition is not entirely wrong, even if you want it to be. Just have the courage to operate accordingly and your managing this period will be less troublesome. 

[Uruktopi]

7 hours ago, glows said:

Secondly, her self-worth seems to be rock bottom if a stranger’s compliments are enough to tip her over.

The "self worth" mantra hits again. Ohh my......

There are other, less "inner" and more probable though not so fashionable to explain the same. 

[Uruktopi]

7 hours ago, Eightytwo said:

Yeah it could be her way of dealing with it but it just looks like it’s nothing.

If it´s nothing out there, is in fact less than nothing, no matter the mind. 

[S2B]

None of her actions are your fault.

if she admitted she would have never told you if you hadn’t asked - you can bet that you will never be capable of trusting her to OFFER you her truth (about anything!)

And she doesn’t seem remorseful or in time to how much she has harmed you.

make HER move! She ruined everything. File for divorce. There is no foundation for a marriage since you will never be able to trust her again.

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by S2B

[stillafool]

I'm 

11 hours ago, Eightytwo said:

and the man asked her to sit down. They kissed and even brought up who was the family on her phone wallpaper to which she told him it was her husband and kids. 
She then suggested to go for a walk and eventually went to the secluded spot at the beach. More kissing happened and she is adamant and swears on the kids lives that she didn’t touch him. He groped her and gave her oral sex and inserted his fingers inside her. 

So a stranger asked her to "sit down" and then they "kissed"?  That was quick, something missing here.  "She" not him,suggested they go for a walk on the dark beach to a secluded spot.  They kissed more in the secluded spot so things got even more heated because they were in private at this point.  In a dark secluded place where the woman invited the man, you are supposed to believe she just let him grop her, give her oral, finger her and then get give him absolutely nothing for his trouble, not even a blow job?  Me thinks she isn't telling you the full story.  This is trickle truth at it's best.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. It's awful that her way of celebrating a 50 pound weight loss was to get drunk and disgusting with some random.

I agree.  It's disgusting that some dirty stranger who's willing to shag a MW with kids opinion of her body is more important to her than the man she made vows to.

[Uruktopi]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm 

So a stranger asked her to "sit down" and then they "kissed"?  That was quick, something missing here.  "She" not him,suggested they go for a walk on the dark beach to a secluded spot.  They kissed more in the secluded spot so things got even more heated because they were in private at this point.  In a dark secluded place where the woman invited the man, you are supposed to believe she just let him grop her, give her oral, finger her and then get give him absolutely nothing for his trouble, not even a blow job?  Me thinks she isn't telling you the full story.  This is trickle truth at it's best.

It may be not all, agree.

Or.....yes, it was.

IMO, even if this told "all" was what "all" what happended, it´s what I would consider enough. 

[S2B]

There’s no way she didn’t “touch him”

in fact, it’s MORE likely that she did everything with him. 
have her take a poly graph test! 
 

either way a mans mouth in her private area is way more than is forgivable. Who does she think she’s kidding? 

why does she think you’ll believe her lies?

[Robert2016]

Your wife's behavior is typical. She has every reason to lie (to save her marriage and avoid public exposure/shame) about what actually happened.  They often admit to oral in the hopes that you will stop asking. 

Also it's not believable that he performed oral on her - but she did nothing for him?  Really?  Does that sound like normal adult male  behavior?

If she was   concerned about hurting you, she wouldn't have misbehaved.  Her motivation is 100% selfish damage control in order to save her marriage and avoid public shame.

Her/your friend should also be ashamed of standing by watching it happen.  The friend knows the entire story.  You should inform this friend that not saying anything makes her guilty too.   When you expose your wife's bad behavior, expose the friend too. Exposure is a consequence of shameful behavior.

Are they members of a church?  Expose them both to the priest or pastor.

1 - have her write it all down on paper in the form of a timeline of the evening - including each thing he said, each touch or caress, did they dance, did he buy the drinks,  how many drinks, did either woman know the guy before that evening, what's his name, where does he work, who else was present that saw them together?  

The timeline converts (in her head/mind) the evening from a harmless night out into the massive betrayal it was.

And it also gives you something concrete to question her about (and makes it hard to change her story).

2 - would she take a polygraph test as to what happened on the beach?  Sometimes facing a polygraph encourages the truth (discourages more lies).

3 - IMO the guy will try to contact your wife again.  Did she give him her number?  Does he know where she lives, works, or shops?

4 -  with respect to a kiss.  You are correct that it is very intimate.  Interviews/studies of people that cheated conclude that the kiss is the last boundary that once crossed leads to sexual intercourse.

5 - finally, the 'friend' has proven herself to not be a friend of you or your marriage. As a consequence, your wife (and you) loses this friend - and should stop all contact with her. 

6 - Inform her (and the friend) that if she wants to avoid exposure, she needs to provide more details as to what happened (including on the beach). 

 

 

Edited December 27, 2021 by Robert2016

[S2B]

I’m not even sure I’m buying the story of being on a beach. Your wife would have come home with sand everywhere. The guy would have had sand all over as well.

are most men willing to bury their face in sand without getting the favor returned? 

she violated the vows. She’s not sorry enough to help you heal from her bad behavior. I don’t see how this can go well moving forward.

Edited December 27, 2021 by S2B

[Poutrew]

Call me jaded... but I smell something a bit fishy in this story. Are you sure it wasn't her friend she was trying things out with? Two drunk girls, inhibitions cast aside, and maybe some curiosity on her part... actually, it would make even more sense. If she doesn't consider same sex relations as 'real' sex, then she would be telling the truth about no intercourse... yep, in this case, her story makes more sense if her 'man' was actually a woman and she is covering up something she now considers embarrassing and shameful... to the point where letting you think a guy gave her oral is preferrable than telling the truth.  Good luck...