Divorced and being manipulated

[StormCloud]

Just now, S2B said:

Do you see how that thinking looks weak? That’s what you don’t want.

you do that FOR YOU.

she cheated and lied. Why would you want anyone like that for a partner? It’s despicable.

Kind of more than anything just wanted revenge and the satisfaction of hearing her admit fault but yeah chances are even if she comes back she will stil blame me for everything 

[StormCloud]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

You mean if she comes back she will still  be a cheater.

how much extra money do you give her? Above what’s assigned by the courts?

I gave her $4,800 between Oct 1-Nov 20. My child support was supposed to be $640 per month. Not to mention helping her with bills and letting her live with me to save her money and paying out of pocket for her school boards and her college she just graduated from. 

[StormCloud]

Just now, S2B said:

Ahhhhh, no wonder she keeps communicating with you!! 
you have volunteered to be her personal atm.

stop giving her anything above the support money! Tell her to figure out her own way!!! 

Haven’t done that since she started her new relationship though 

[StormCloud]

Just now, S2B said:

Tell her to figure out how to support herself! Or tell her to have her new boyfriend can help her!

learn to ignore her. If you can’t learn to say NO to everything she asks you for!

you really are letting her use you.

She says that isn’t his place. She says she isn’t interested in keeping him long anyway. She has since my kids live there too I should be helping and since she’s the mother of my children I should help her too. 

[glows]

9 hours ago, StormCloud said:

I’m gonna share some more info with you guys to kind of show why I’m in such a bad spot. 

So I made really good money the whole time we were together and even for the most part after we split. After I found things out it messed with my mind and my boss saw me as a safety hazard and told me to take some time off. The company shuts down from Nov-March so he said for me to come back in March. Nothing like getting fired or anything, but they were concerned because they knew details about my situation and how it was effecting me concentrating at work in safety sensitive situations. 

I took a job requiring me to be gone a lot and basically gave all my money to her. She was convincing me it would show her that I care. I did it and gave her all the furniture and helped her get a new car and stuff, meanwhile my own problems were rising. Eventually it’s gotten to the point where I decided I needed to start over so I moved back home and I’m now trying to save money to start over a state away. My car basically went to s*** as soon as the divorce went final and since I was giving her so much money I’m struggling to get everything on it fixed. 

So that’s where I’m stuck. My vehicle is down, I’m back to living at home, I can’t go to the gym because I have no way now, I’ve been off work now for two weeks and don’t get to go back for another week and a half. I’m basically stuck being trapped in my mind. She keeps proposing we have this exchange where I’m her “baby daddy with benefits” and we can do certain things together and I continue spoiling her. I feel that’s not healthy nor would a mentally stable person even suggest this. I feel that just makes it easier for her not to have to truly live with her choice. 

I think it would be a little easier to move forward if I actually had a distraction. Things I want to do to overcome this is drop 50 more lbs, get in my best shape, move like I’ve been planning, and build my account back up. Oh and definitely get my mind right again so I can not be twisted a 1000 different ways like she likes. 

This sounds better. Work on those things and don’t let your mind be twisted up in the next 1.5 weeks. You have moved back home where? Are you living with family? This is a blessing. Be grateful if so. Not everyone has that option. Where are you planning to move? Move for any kids involved. It’s no longer about her.

You mentioned you’re not giving her any other sums of money so keep it that way. The exchanges then between the both of you are only hot air. Treat it as such because it’s going nowhere. Always strive for something much more respectful than what’s going on right now. The marriage and relationship has ended. Keep telling yourself that. Let go of any misguided and manipulative words between the both of you about reconciliation. You are a smart man. Reconciliation is not going to happen, not like this. 

Fill your days up with more rewarding activities. You don’t need a gym to work out. Go for walks and do push ups and squats. They feel amazing. Your only job now is getting yourself back on track and going to work soon. 

[Wiseman2]

Do everything according to court orders as far as custody and visitation. Be the best Dad you can be. Only discuss the children and important decisions regarding your children. Don't be tempted to chitchat or get involved in each other's personal lives.

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, StormCloud said:

I gave her $4,800 between Oct 1-Nov 20. My child support was supposed to be $640 per month. Not to mention helping her with bills and letting her live with me to save her money and paying out of pocket for her school boards and her college she just graduated from. 

Why do you continue to do this?  This is why she doesn't have any respect for you.  She see's you as a Beta male and not an Alpha.  This will not make her love you.

[Estes]

22 hours ago, StormCloud said:

I asked her which of us she’s lying to and she said both.

When she says she lying to both of you, that could be a lie. And if she is lying about lying to both of you, that of course means she's really telling both of you the truth.

 

[StormCloud]

1 minute ago, Estes said:

When she says she lying to both of you, that could be a lie. And if she is lying about lying to both of you, that of course means she's really telling both of you the truth.

 

That just confused me to death. She tells him she loves him and tells me she doesn’t love him. She tells me she loves me and a future with me is possible but “not right now”. She tells him she would never get back with me no matter what. She’s lying to someone. 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

That just confused me to death. She tells him she loves him and tells me she doesn’t love him. She tells me she loves me and a future with me is possible but “not right now”. She tells him she would never get back with me no matter what. She’s lying to someone. 

So stop listening to her.   

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

She’s lying to someone. 

Mostly to herself.

[Estes]

It's entirely possible she doesn't have a clue what she wants and she's telling each of you what she thinks you both want to hear so you''ll both stick around until she figures it out.

Until your recent update 20 hrs ago, I was convinced she's just using you for your money. But now that you have no money left, and you say that you haven't given her any, that no longer seems likely.

You need to get yourself together so you don't find yourself suddenly unemployed with child support and bills to pay and no car. The recent suspension you were just given by your boss is a warning to get your act together or else you'll be looking for another job.

 

[StormCloud]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Why do you continue to do this?  This is why she doesn't have any respect for you.  She see's you as a Beta male and not an Alpha.  This will not make her love you.

Lmao. What’s funny is she tells me she’s turned off by my alpha personality and likes his beta personality. She tells me I was always in control during our marriage and he gives her all the control and she likes it. 

[StormCloud]

Okay where do you guys see this going? If I walk away from her right now. Send her child support only, don’t talk to her about anything but the kids, spend all this time working on me and fixing me, not listening to her anymore. If I do that and walk away… what happens next? Is she gonna get married to him? Is she gonna come after me? Is she gonna try to use the kids to hurt me? What do you all see happening after that? 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

Lmao. What’s funny is she tells me she’s turned off by my alpha personality and likes his beta personality. She tells me I was always in control during our marriage and he gives her all the control and she likes it. 

Tell her "Good, so be the Alpha female and pay all your bills and don't ask me for money, I'm out".   Why do you still talk to her about anything other than your kids needs?

Edited December 31, 2021 by stillafool

[StormCloud]

Just now, stillafool said:

Tell her "Good, so be the Alpha female and pay all your bills and don't ask me for money, I'm out".   Why do you still talk to her about anything other than your kds needs?

She’s always asking me what I’m doing and stuff.. calling me. Casual talk mostly. I usually bring up working things out or how much longer is he gonna be around. That’s when she tells me she doesn’t know how much longer but is doubtful it’ll be much longer and vows to never marry him. She also says “I don’t want to be with you right now but I don’t know how I’ll feel later. I can’t predict the future. I just know the more you bring up that, the more desperate you look and it pushes me away. I like how laid back he is and how isn’t obsessive, but he has a child personality and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with an overgrown man child with no money”. 

[Estes]

There's only two possibilities that would explain why she's showing such continued interest in you.

1-- She still has feelings for you

2- She trying to get money out of you.

The only way to know which one it is, is to stop giving her any money whatsoever above and beyond the court ordered child support. It's not clear from your posts exactly how much money you continue to give her. In one post you say you stopped giving her money other than child support and in another post you say you gave her money for something else. So which is it?

When you stop giving her extra money over and above child support, she'll kick and scream and try anything and everything including making you feel like a bad father, or threatening some sort of consequences, but if you hold firm and don't buckle and it gets to the point that she accepts she won't be getting any more money from you, then you will see if she continues to show interest and even affection towards you. If she goes cold, you've got your answer and I expect that's exactly what's going to happen.

[StormCloud]

30 minutes ago, Estes said:

It's entirely possible she doesn't have a clue what she wants and she's telling each of you what she thinks you both want to hear so you''ll both stick around until she figures it out.

Until your recent update 20 hrs ago, I was convinced she's just using you for your money. But now that you have no money left, and you say that you haven't given her any, that no longer seems likely.

You need to get yourself together so you don't find yourself suddenly unemployed with child support and bills to pay and no car. The recent suspension you were just given by your boss is a warning to get your act together or else you'll be looking for another job.

 

She says she doesn’t know what she wants. I think she wants him for now, but she’s concerned that if I walk away and lose all kinds of weight, get my mental health back, and find a girl worth having that she will regret her choice so she’s holding me in a holding cell waiting for me to get myself right so she can make a decision then. 

I don’t have any money right now but she knows that I will soon. I’ll be back to work and will be living in a better area which is what she always wanted. I think she’s more or less afraid things will change and she won’t like her decision. She has told me that as she spends time away from a she starts second guessing being with him. 
 

 

 

[StormCloud]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

Stop communicating with her. Her intention is to get money out of you.

her issues aren’t your problem anymore!

when she asks what you’re doing do NOT answer! Tell her to get a job and work hard to support herself and the kids. Then block her!

Can’t block her because of the kids. I mean I can on snap but she says it bothers him when he sees her talking to me on snap because that’s how he started talking to her too. I kind of like making him uncomfortable. Perhaps it would be better if I kept her on there but only responded when she asks about the children. 
 

 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

She says she doesn’t know what she wants. I think she wants him for now, but she’s concerned that if I walk away and lose all kinds of weight, get my mental health back, and find a girl worth having that she will regret her choice so she’s holding me in a holding cell waiting for me to get myself right so she can make a decision then. 

I don’t have any money right now but she knows that I will soon. I’ll be back to work and will be living in a better area which is what she always wanted. I think she’s more or less afraid things will change and she won’t like her decision. She has told me that as she spends time away from a she starts second guessing being with him. 
 

And as you established earlier, she tells lies.   You'd be a fool to believe anything she tells you. 

[basil67]

36 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

Okay where do you guys see this going? If I walk away from her right now. Send her child support only, don’t talk to her about anything but the kids, spend all this time working on me and fixing me, not listening to her anymore. If I do that and walk away… what happens next? Is she gonna get married to him? Is she gonna come after me? Is she gonna try to use the kids to hurt me? What do you all see happening after that? 

Where do I see this going?   If you continue as you are, I see a whole lot of continual turmoil for you and a thread which goes for 100 pages while you try to keep figuring out what she's doing.

If you end it, I see you beginning to move on and start establishing a new life for yourself.  A life which likely includes finding a new woman who treats you well.  

What she does as a result of you moving on is completely irrelevant.  

[StormCloud]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Where do I see this going?   If you continue as you are, I see a whole lot of continual turmoil for you and a thread which goes for 100 pages while you try to keep figuring out what she's doing.

If you end it, I see you beginning to move on and start establishing a new life for yourself.  A life which likely includes finding a new woman who treats you well.  

What she does as a result of you moving on is completely irrelevant.  

Here’s a sterling example… 

She is now texting/snapping me demanding answers over something my mom SUPPOSEDLY said about the kids school. 

She makes excuses to talk to me multiple times per day and it’s usually something to do with the kids. 

I understand we have to communicate some over the kids but this is literally several times per day or at least once per day at the least. 

When I try to stand my ground I’m being “over dramatic” and childish. 

Thoughts? 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, StormCloud said:

She’s always asking me what I’m doing and stuff.. calling me. Casual talk mostly. I usually bring up working things out or how much longer is he gonna be around. That’s when she tells me she doesn’t know how much longer but is doubtful it’ll be much longer and vows to never marry him. She also says “I don’t want to be with you right now but I don’t know how I’ll feel later. I can’t predict the future. I just know the more you bring up that, the more desperate you look and it pushes me away. I like how laid back he is and how isn’t obsessive, but he has a child personality and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with an overgrown man child with no money”. 

No I'm not asking why she does what she does, I'm asking you why do you continue to take her calls and why are you trying to work it out with her?

[StormCloud]

Just now, stillafool said:

No I'm not asking why she does what she does, I'm asking you why do you continue to take her calls and why are you trying to work it out with her?

Nobody wants to date a guy that is in his 30s with three children and an ex wife that looks like Barbie. They all get intimidated by her and view the kids as baggage. At least that’s been my experience so far. I feel like if I can’t work it out with her, I’ll forever be alone. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, StormCloud said:

Nobody wants to date a guy that is in his 30s with three children and an ex wife that looks like Barbie. They all get intimidated by her and view the kids as baggage. At least that’s been my experience so far. I feel like if I can’t work it out with her, I’ll forever be alone. 

That is just not so.  I know a guy with 6 kids and an ex and women are crawling over themselves to get to him.  He's 37.  Not many men are looking for a Barbie with 3 kids by another man to take care of either.  They may want her for a night or two but aren't lined up to marry her because kids typically go along with their mom.