Divorced and being manipulated

[Estes]

2 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

She told the judge during the hearing she did not want child support.

Now this is getting interesting.

What did the judge end up doing about child support?

 

 

[StormCloud]

Just now, Estes said:

To sum things up.

She divorced you and has a live-in boyfriend who she has sex with all the time, and yet she says you're selfish if you don't give her more money than is court ordered, and lets you rub off on her and stuff if you give her more money.

I would say "it's sick" is an understatement.

 

I never agreed to do that to her for money just for the record. She did send nudes a few weeks ago and ask me to pay for them. I sent them to him when she went public with him but he just showed them to her and ignored it. 
 

My kids tell me he doesn’t like me and they have heard him talk bad of me but according to her he never says a bad word about anyone. 
 

She asked me for money a few weeks ago to buy her and the kids a dog. I bought it and she told the kids not to tell him I bought it or “he wouldn’t like the dog because of it”. 
 

She told me she told them that because it’s “embarrassing” to her that I bought the kids a dog and she didn’t. If you ask me, something isn’t right here. I think he may be more intimidated by me than she’s letting on, but is afraid if she shows me that I will use it to tell him more stuff on her. 

[StormCloud]

2 minutes ago, Estes said:

Now this is getting interesting.

What did the judge end up doing about child support?

 

 

The judge said my child support would be $640 per month but then she declined it. Now she asks for it every time I get paid. 

[Estes]

6 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

The judge said my child support would be $640 per month but then she declined it.

On what grounds? Judges cannot eliminate child support, that's against the law.

 

[StormCloud]

Just now, Estes said:

On what grounds? Judges cannot eliminate child support, that's against the law.

 

The judge said she could refuse it if she felt it was in the best interest for the children. She told the judge if she needed something from me she would just let me know directly. 
 

She does not have primary custody. We have split custody. She gets the kids 3 1/2 days and I get them 3 1/2 days. 

[Estes]

10 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

I never agreed to do that to her for money just for the record. She did send nudes a few weeks ago and ask me to pay for them. I sent them to him when she went public with him but he just showed them to her and ignored it.

Your exwife sent you nude pictures which you subsequently paid her for?

This happened a few weeks ago. Then when they publically announced their relationship, you sent him those pictures to him.

Is that right?

Just trying to follow this

 

[StormCloud]

Just now, Estes said:

Your exwife sent you nude pictures which you subsequently paid her for?

This happened a few weeks ago. Then when they publically announced their relationship, you sent him those pictures to him.

Is that right?

Just trying to follow this

 

No, she sent them to me and I don’t know if she was joking or not but she asked me to send her money for them and I declined. A few nights later, she sent underwear pics and pics of her legs. She didn’t ask money for that though. 

I sent it all to him with some screenshots of some of the stuff she had been telling me. She said he got mad but “let it go”. 

I simply told him to remember how she cheated on me with him and repeatedly lied about it and remember that old habits die hard. Trying to show the fool she was already showing early signs of dishonesty toward him as well. 

I think he doesn’t care. I think he’s in it for the wrong reasons. He likes having a trophy girl and being contempt with her making good money and not asking him to do anything requiring responsibility. 

She either lied to him about it and he’s too dumb to know that or he just simply doesn’t care. She seems to like that about him. He takes her word for everything even if she is clearly lying. I always called her out on stuff. 

 

[Estes]

6 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

I sent it all to him with some screenshots of some of the stuff she had been telling me. She said he got mad but “let it go”. 

I simply told him to remember how she cheated on me with him and repeatedly lied about it and remember that old habits die hard. Trying to show the fool she was already showing early signs of dishonesty toward him as well.

Why are you trying to show the guy that she's being dishonest to him? Why the need to try to help this guy?

So her reaction to you sending him the nude pictures was "he was mad but got over it".

That's a relief I thought she'd maybe be angry with you for sending those pictures to him.

Since the "sending pictures" tactic failed to break them up what's your next move going to be?

 

[StormCloud]

1 minute ago, Estes said:

Why are you trying to show the guy that she's being dishonest to him? Why the need to try to help this guy?

So her reaction to you sending him the nude pictures was "he was mad but got over it".

That's a relief I thought she'd maybe be angry with you for sending those pictures to him.

Since the "sending pictures" tactic failed to break them up what's your next move going to be?

 

She did get mad at me. That’s why she prefers to talk to me on snap and is constantly asking me if I’m screenshotting anything. According to her, he never listens to me anyway but she seems awful concerned. She tells me she wouldn’t care if they broke up as long as it was “on their terms” and not because of something that I did…. 

I wasn’t trying to break them up. I was trying to show him she is a liar. She probably has him thinking she only lied to cover their relationship, but I wanted him to know that she was likely going to do him the same way. 
 

I don’t have a next move. It’s pointless. As long as he’s getting jn bed with her he could care less it seems and as long as she’s making me miserable and looking like the one that turned out on the better end of the divorce on Facebook, she is happy. 

I’ll let the rotten Apple fall on its own because I’m tired of making her comfortable. 

[Estes]

1 minute ago, StormCloud said:

I wasn’t trying to break them up. I was trying to show him she is a liar. She probably has him thinking she only lied to cover their relationship, but I wanted him to know that she was likely going to do him the same way.

Why do you want him to know she is a liar? It's rather odd that you're protecting the guy who is having sex with your ex-wife who you obviously still want to be with, and has replaced you in your house. Especially if your motivation is not to break them up.

 

 

[StormCloud]

Just now, Estes said:

Why do you want him to know she is a liar? It's rather odd that you're protecting the guy who is having sex with your ex-wife who you obviously still want to be with, and has replaced you in your house. Especially if your motivation is not to break them up.

 

 

I’d never protect him. It’s kind of a way to pull the mask off her I guess. More about hurting her image than helping him. 
 

My son said she told his mom that they don’t like seeing her with him and they want their dad back. He said he told her as soon as I left, the new guy was there and they didn’t even have time to process a divorce let alone a replacement.
 

Her response? She told him he has no good reason not to like him and he needed to get used to having him there because they’re not going to determine who she dates. He told me this made him feel like she is putting herself in front of them. 

[Estes]

Doesn't matter that the kids don't like him. Lots of kids resent the new person in their parents life but eventually learn to accept them as a permanent fixture, either willingly or under protest.

Mom has made it clear the new guy is going to be around for as long as she wants him to be around, it's not up to the kids and what they think is best.

Maybe your son will prefer to spend more time with you as a result, that would be a win.

I have no clue what you expected to gain from sending the boyfriend the nude pictures she sent you. Your answer "I want to hurt her image" while also saying you aren't doing it to break them up, creates more questions than answers.

Why do you want to hurt her image and piss her off if you're trying so hard to get her back that you bought her a dog and have given her thousands of dollars in the past 2 months and are begging her to get back with you?

 

 

[StormCloud]

4 minutes ago, Estes said:

Doesn't matter that the kids don't like him. Lots of kids resent the new person in their parents life but eventually learn to accept them as a permanent fixture, either willingly or under protest.

Mom has made it clear the new guy is going to be around for as long as she wants him to be around, it's not up to the kids and what they think is best.

Maybe your son will prefer to spend more time with you as a result, that would be a win.

I have no clue what you expected to gain from sending the boyfriend the nude pictures she sent you. Your answer "I want to hurt her image" while also saying you aren't doing it to break them up, creates more questions than answers.

Why do you want to hurt her image and piss her off if you're trying so hard to get her back that you bought her a dog and have given her thousands of dollars in the past 2 months and are begging her to get back with you?

 

 

It’s a heat of the moment thing. You realize that your gut has been telling you something for so long and she has been telling you something completely different. You choose to believe her and then BAM! After everything you’ve done for her she lies to you and does something to hurt you. Your first response is to try to hurt her, even though that’s not what you should do.

I kind of felt at the moment like she wanted me to play the role he was playing before - a side piece. She was experimenting with me to see if I could keep a secret; as she probably did with him before taking things further. 

Its not making him [my son] accept anyone. It’s the fact that like he said, they went from seeing their mom and dad together to two weeks later having a strange man living with them in my place. She does not think of the hurt and mental damage that does to children to not be allowed to process such change and THEN be FORCED to lie to their dad about it. 

[IrinaM]

Thanks for answering, I understand. I know this is a crappy time for you.

Has the judge issued the decree of divorce which stipulates the division of assets and sharing of custody? I get the feeling you are representing yourself and that the divorce is not final yet. I suggest you hire an attorney.

You need a separation agreement in place, the more formal the better. You need a set child custody agreement so you can both abide by it. You need an agreed-upon amount of money you will pay her each month. Even if that amount is zero, get it in writing.

Once you get all that taken care of, just abide by the agreement. Don't accept phone calls and listen to her ask for additional money for specific things, just pay her the agreed-upon amount on the first of the month.

When people are getting divorced, they don't think rationally, they think emotionally. That's not good. Do your best to be as objective as possible. Have you decided what you want? Do you want to get divorced, or are you hoping your wife will come back to you? I'm getting the impression it's the latter?

[StormCloud]

Just now, IrinaM said:

Thanks for answering, I understand. I know this is a crappy time for you.

Has the judge issued the decree of divorce which stipulates the division of assets and sharing of custody? I get the feeling you are representing yourself and that the divorce is not final yet. I suggest you hire an attorney.

You need a separation agreement in place, the more formal the better. You need a set child custody agreement so you can both abide by it. You need an agreed-upon amount of money you will pay her each month. Even if that amount is zero, get it in writing.

Once you get all that taken care of, just abide by the agreement. Don't accept phone calls and listen to her ask for additional money for specific things, just pay her the agreed-upon amount on the first of the month.

When people are getting divorced, they don't think rationally, they think emotionally. That's not good. Do your best to be as objective as possible. Have you decided what you want? Do you want to get divorced, or are you hoping your wife will come back to you? I'm getting the impression it's the latter?

She’s on text right now accusing me of being hostile because I blocked her on Snapchat. 

The divorce is final and has been for two months almost. She gets the kids when she’s not working and when she works I get them.

She works 3 nights per week but the day 4 is split as she doesn’t come get them until the middle of the day. 

 

[IrinaM]

I just saw that the judge did grant her child support.

Honestly, I think you are being just as petty and spiteful as she is. I'm not saying that to be mean.

Her idea about not wanting "child support" but just asking you for money on an as-needed basis is a horrible idea that needs to be nipped in the bud. You need to have boundaries in place, that will reduce the drama. Pay her the amount of child support you are ordered to. Don't ask if she wants it or what she will spend it on, just send it to her electronically (so you have a record). Then stop entertaining all her requests for money.

Also, be aware that if you are only paying her child support intermittently, or in some as-needed informal basis, she can sue you for any outstanding unpaid balance. For example, if you were supposed to give her $1000 per month for the last six months, but she said she didn't need it, but then she called you a week ago and asked you for $2000, and you gave it to her, she can still sue you for the remaining $4000. That's still, legally, her money.

The better boundaries you have the less drama you will incur.

[StormCloud]

Just now, IrinaM said:

I just saw that the judge did grant her child support.

Honestly, I think you are being just as petty and spiteful as she is. I'm not saying that to be mean.

Her idea about not wanting "child support" but just asking you for money on an as-needed basis is a horrible idea that needs to be nipped in the bud. You need to have boundaries in place, that will reduce the drama. Pay her the amount of child support you are ordered to. Don't ask if she wants it or what she will spend it on, just send it to her electronically (so you have a record). Then stop entertaining all her requests for money.

Also, be aware that if you are only paying her child support intermittently, or in some as-needed informal basis, she can sue you for any outstanding unpaid balance. For example, if you were supposed to give her $1000 per month for the last six months, but she said she didn't need it, but then she called you a week ago and asked you for $2000, and you gave it to her, she can still sue you for the remaining $4000. That's still, legally, her money.

The better boundaries you have the less drama you will incur.

I’ve already spoken with lawyers about it and even the judges secretary. There’s record of everything I’ve sent her.  

I send her $160 weekly automatically. That equals to the $640 Im usually required to send. 

She is texting me as we speak asking me why I blocked her on snap and telling me to talk to her on there. This is what im talking about. 

 

 

[IrinaM]

Quote

She told the judge if she needed something from me she would just let me know directly. 

Neither one of you will be able to move on if you use this system^^^.

[IrinaM]

Good, then you don't have to worry about car problems or new dogs. Just don't reply to those requests. Or reply and say, "I'm sorry but I can't help you with that."

You also don't need to reply to her texts tonight. I'm a big fan of not communicating in these heated situations.

Edited December 26, 2021 by IrinaM
or dogs not of dogs

[StormCloud]

Just now, IrinaM said:

Neither one of you will be able to move on if you use this system^^^.

I think that’s her point. She doesn’t want me to move on and that’s why she gets mad at me for having any woman over and begs me not to move. She wants me available at her convenience. Something about this perfect relationship she is unsure of and I can’t pinpoint what it is except she knows all the responsibility will be on her. 

[StormCloud]

Just now, IrinaM said:

Good, then you don't have to worry about car problems of dogs. Just don't reply to those requests. Or reply and say, "I'm sorry but I can't help you with that."

You also don't need to reply to her texts tonight. I'm a big fan of not communicating in these heated situations.

It’s not really heated. She wants to talk to me when he’s not around. When he’s around she will only snap me every hour or two but when he’s not she calls and stuff. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, StormCloud said:

She doesn’t want me to move on and that’s why she gets mad at me for having any woman over and begs me not to move.

Of course she doesn't want her cash cow to move on.  She wants you there as her rock while she plays tiddily winks with this other dude in your home under the roof with your kids.  If she wanted you around all she has to do is reconcile and go back with you.   It's too easy for her to get rid of him if she wanted.

[IrinaM]

Quote

When he’s around she will only snap me every hour or two but when he’s not she calls and stuff. 

This is way too much communication for a divorced couple. Most married couples don't talk this much.

When i said the situation is "heated," I meant it's heated because you are upset. it's okay to take a step back from situations that frustrate you.

She's not the first woman to be undecided between two men. You can't change that. But you have total control over yourself in this situation. I think you have signed on to the "new sidepiece" role, agreeing to help her with things that aren't your problem, trying to cause problems with her and her main dude. Stop doing that stuff.

[StormCloud]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Of course she doesn't want her cash cow to move on.  She wants you there as her rock while she plays tiddily winks with this other dude in your home under the roof with your kids.  If she wanted you around all she has to do is reconcile and go back with you.   It's too easy for her to get rid of him if she wanted.

“It’s too easy for her to get rid of him if she wanted” — what does that mean? 

Also, she couldn’t afford the house so she got an apartment. I moved back in our house after the divorce. She has a townhouse now. She didn’t want to live in the house anymore due to high rent, yard maintenance and the landlord telling on her for cheating. 

[StormCloud]

2 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

This is way too much communication for a divorced couple. Most married couples don't talk this much.

When i said the situation is "heated," I meant it's heated because you are upset. it's okay to take a step back from situations that frustrate you.

She's not the first woman to be undecided between two men. You can't change that. But you have total control over yourself in this situation. I think you have signed on to the "new sidepiece" role, agreeing to help her with things that aren't your problem, trying to cause problems with her and her main dude. Stop doing that stuff.

It goes farther than that. She calls me on her way to work, on her way home, can’t go one day without snapping me. Snaps me the whole time she’s at work almost. She basically wants us to talk like we are still married and still calls me “her best friend”.