Divorced and being manipulated

[IrinaM]

Just stop answering then.

It sounds like the two of you are basically still involved. Nobody is forcing you to respond to her, you are choosing that.

 

[StormCloud]

3 minutes ago, IrinaM said:

Just stop answering then.

It sounds like the two of you are basically still involved. Nobody is forcing you to respond to her, you are choosing that.

 

I answer her because I still care. Idk why she calls unless it’s to make sure I don’t move on. She claims because we have kids we still need to talk all the time. 

[glows]

It’s better to focus on yourself going forward and wean yourself off the porn addiction, seek therapy or personal counselling and start putting aside thoughts of reconciling. 

She has a number of reasons why she no longer wants to be with you. She may be attached emotionally to the idea of having you as you’ve had each other for years but this relationship has ended some time ago. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

She claims because we have kids we still need to talk all the time. 

The only time you need to talk about the kids is if there is an issue with one of them or if one of them get's hurt.

[StormCloud]

Just now, glows said:

It’s better to focus on yourself going forward and wean yourself off the porn addiction, seek therapy or personal counselling and start putting aside thoughts of reconciling. 

She has a number of reasons why she no longer wants to be with you. She may be attached emotionally to the idea of having you as you’ve had each other for years but this relationship has ended some time ago. 

I haven’t watched porn in a long time. 

Im aware our relationship has ended, but as someone that knows her really well.. it seems like the more weight I lose and the happier I get the more she wants to be around me. I think she knows what she wants right now but isn’t certain she won’t miss her old life so she wants her old life on hold while she sorts out an obvious midlife crisis. 

 

[stillafool]

33 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

She’s on text right now accusing me of being hostile because I blocked her on Snapchat. 

The divorce is final and has been for two months almost. She gets the kids when she’s not working and when she works I get them.

She works 3 nights per week but the day 4 is split as she doesn’t come get them until the middle of the day. 

 

Seriously dude, if you want this one back all you have to do is tell her to stop calling you unless it's about the kids.  Tell her you're moving on and are over her.  Sit back, have a drink and watch her chase you like a beagle chasing a rabbit.  I know you won't do it but it will work.

[glows]

Just now, StormCloud said:

I haven’t watched porn in a long time. 

Im aware our relationship has ended, but as someone that knows her really well.. it seems like the more weight I lose and the happier I get the more she wants to be around me. I think she knows what she wants right now but isn’t certain she won’t miss her old life so she wants her old life on hold while she sorts out an obvious midlife crisis. 

 

You don’t know that. She’s choosing to be with someone else while also keeping you around. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a midlife crisis. You’re resentful and that’s understandable. 

Would you consider rebuilding a future with her? After someone has left you for someone else? This isn’t just about your weight or body size. It’s a lot more than that if she sensed you gave up on yourself. It also begs the question - would you slip into the same habits as a couple despite differences now?

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

she sorts out an obvious midlife crisis. 

Oh, she's middle age?  heh, heh

[StormCloud]

Just now, glows said:

You don’t know that. She’s choosing to be with someone else while also keeping you around. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a midlife crisis. You’re resentful and that’s understandable. 

Would you consider rebuilding a future with her? After someone has left you for someone else? This isn’t just about your weight or body size. It’s a lot more than that if she sensed you gave up on yourself. It also begs the question - would you slip into the same habits as a couple despite differences now?

That’s really hard to say. I’ll be honest I feel like I took my old life for granted but then again I had so much on me. I worked long hours, kept the yard and vehicles up, spoiled her and the kids, did dishes, laundry, etc and she basically slept all the time. She wouldn’t let me leave the house to workout to take care of myself. 
 

A relationship between her and I would never work at this very moment but maybe in a year or two it could. I think it would depend if we both fixed some things. If she was THIS version of herself with me, then yes things would have been perfect. She told me we needed to divorce so she could learn to be more independent. Now she’s dating the guy she cheated with and is for some reason unsure of the future even though he’s apparently perfect other than being lazy and not having much work ethic and wants me to hang around in the meantime. 

[StormCloud]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Oh, she's middle age?  heh, heh

30. I’m 32. 

[StormCloud]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Seriously dude, if you want this one back all you have to do is tell her to stop calling you unless it's about the kids.  Tell her you're moving on and are over her.  Sit back, have a drink and watch her chase you like a beagle chasing a rabbit.  I know you won't do it but it will work.

People tell me this all the time. I think it’s going to take this and some more though. Perhaps me actually moving on with someone else (for the right reasons) and actually respecting myself again. At that point, then I’ll agree, she will likely be in my position then. 

[glows]

2 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

That’s really hard to say. I’ll be honest I feel like I took my old life for granted but then again I had so much on me. I worked long hours, kept the yard and vehicles up, spoiled her and the kids, did dishes, laundry, etc and she basically slept all the time. She wouldn’t let me leave the house to workout to take care of myself. 
 

A relationship between her and I would never work at this very moment but maybe in a year or two it could. I think it would depend if we both fixed some things. If she was THIS version of herself with me, then yes things would have been perfect. She told me we needed to divorce so she could learn to be more independent. Now she’s dating the guy she cheated with and is for some reason unsure of the future even though he’s apparently perfect other than being lazy and not having much work ethic and wants me to hang around in the meantime. 

Then she will have to figure it out. 

It does not mean you need to keep your schedule open for when she decides to fly back in. 

Do you really see yourself hanging onto the thought of reconciling two years from now when you’re seeing another woman? And how would you live with the knowledge that you’re leading a new person on or keeping the torch burning for an ex? It would be quite a betrayal and let down also to anyone new. You would have done to someone else what your ex did to you. 

In these transition periods let the dust settle and hold off unnecessary dialogue with her. She’s an ex, the person you’re divorced from. Try working it out with a therapist if you haven’t dealt with the divorce or give yourself more time. This seems just too fresh for you and her mixed signals are both confusing and disrespectful.

[StormCloud]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Then she will have to figure it out. 

It does not mean you need to keep your schedule open for when she decides to fly back in. 

Do you really see yourself hanging onto the thought of reconciling two years from now when you’re seeing another woman? And how would you live with the knowledge that you’re leading a new person on or keeping the torch burning for an ex? It would be quite a betrayal and let down also to anyone new. You would have done to someone else what your ex did to you. 

In these transition periods let the dust settle and hold off unnecessary dialogue with her. She’s an ex, the person you’re divorced from. Try working it out with a therapist if you haven’t dealt with the divorce or give yourself more time. This seems just too fresh for you and her mixed signals are both confusing and disrespectful.

I can’t date anyone for a while, officially. I lost everything because of her. She took all the furniture in the house, she got my truck and I got her car that she let get repossessed. I paid to get it out of repo and it didn’t even make it home.

I’ve put 2k into it and mechanics still can’t figure out what’s wrong with it and what’s sad is it’s a 2018 model. I think the auction people did something to it or traded good parts for bad parts before attempting to sale it. 

I want to get back in shape (I’ve already dropped 50 lbs) but want to go another 50 more before I even attempt to date anyone. I want all of this mess the divorce left me in to be cleaned up before I get involved with anyone so I know they get the best version of me. 

Im starting to think part of her goal is to see me stay down to no one else will want me. She told me the other day we could never workout because “I’ve been with too many girls” since we split. I’ve had a few hookups and that’s it. She on the other hand is posting pics on Facebook of her new man with my kids like they’re his or something. 

[Estes]

You were a 100 lbs overweight.

Yet you've had a few hookups.

Impressive.

[StormCloud]

Just now, Estes said:

You were a 100 lbs overweight.

Yet you've had a few hookups.

Impressive.

Were. Past tense. 7 months ago 

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

People tell me this all the time. I think it’s going to take this and some more though. Perhaps me actually moving on with someone else (for the right reasons) and actually respecting myself again. At that point, then I’ll agree, she will likely be in my position then. 

Actually at that point you won't want her back anymore.  You'll be blissfully happy.

[StormCloud]

Can anyone explain to me what’s so special about Snapchat? 

I like it because there’s less drama and fake images versus Facebook or Instagram but she is texting me asking me to add her back to snap.

If she can text me why do I need to be on her snap? Even when I did talk to her on there it showed I was like the only person she talked to on there.

Both times she’s cheated on me she has done so on snap. This makes me uncomfortable to think maybe she is trying to set it up so that I’m her new side piece?

I’m a bit confused by all of this and I’m apparently blind when it comes so her so can somebody help me out here? 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

This makes me uncomfortable to think maybe she is trying to set it up so that I’m her new side piece?

Exactly. Hopefully you will now either mute her messages or block/delete her so you can move on peacefully. She is quickly making a fool out of you.

There is nothing special about Snapchat.

The relationship is over. 

[StormCloud]

Just now, glows said:

Exactly. Hopefully you will now either mute her messages or block/delete her so you can move on peacefully. She is quickly making a fool out of you.

There is nothing special about Snapchat.

The relationship is over. 

I’m trying to let it be over but she won’t quit making up dumb reasons to contact me. It’s like as soon as he leaves she contacts me. 
 

[glows]

Just now, StormCloud said:

I’m trying to let it be over but she won’t quit making up dumb reasons to contact me. It’s like as soon as he leaves she contacts me. 
 

This is not uncommon. One or both individuals usually have a hard time not contacting an ex. That’s why situations like the one you’re in drag out for longer periods. 

Rest assured that there is nothing unusual or unique about what’s happening. 

You’re still hanging onto the belief that what she does or says matters. In reality it doesn’t. 

[stillafool]

46 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

she is texting me asking me to add her back to snap.

Tell her NO and you'll respond to her the way you want to and to stop telling you what to do.  For goodness sake take your power back from this woman.  

[StormCloud]

I asked her what she wanted to talk to me about on Snapchat. She wanted to ask me if I move (which I’ve been planning) would I care if she comes with me and lives with me but “not be together” and see where it goes? Said she would break up with the boyfriend if this were to happen. I don’t understand here at all and I don’t think any of you guys really do either. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

I asked her what she wanted to talk to me about on Snapchat. She wanted to ask me if I move (which I’ve been planning) would I care if she comes with me and lives with me but “not be together” and see where it goes? Said she would break up with the boyfriend if this were to happen. I don’t understand here at all and I don’t think any of you guys really do either. 

LOL, Tell her if that means living together with no sex, cooking and cleaning for you the answer is NO!  Ask her why now does she want to break up with the bf?  Is it because you're getting your stuff together and she wants to be in the house to c---block other women?  Me thinks so.

[StormCloud]

Just now, stillafool said:

LOL, Tell her if that means living together with no sex, cooking and cleaning for you the answer is NO!  Ask her why now does she want to break up with the bf?  Is it because you're getting your stuff together and she wants to be in the house to c---block other women?  Me thinks so.

I had asked her previously to move with me when I go. I told her we could see it as a new start. She didn’t say for sure she wanted to move with me but asked “hypothetically” if she were would I be okay with not being together? 

I asked her “are you saying never be together or start out as mom and dad and see where it goes?” She said “basically live together and coparent and what happens happens”. I said “what about him?” Her reply was “obviously we would break up”. Then she said “nothing is for certain this all hypothetical right now”. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, StormCloud said:

I had asked her previously to move with me when I go. I told her we could see it as a new start. She didn’t say for sure she wanted to move with me but asked “hypothetically” if she were would I be okay with not being together? 

I asked her “are you saying never be together or start out as mom and dad and see where it goes?” She said “basically live together and coparent and what happens happens”. I said “what about him?” Her reply was “obviously we would break up”. Then she said “nothing is for certain this all hypothetical right now”. 

Other than living under the roof with your kids what other benefit is this arrangement for you?