What Should I do?

[dbutler1218]

Should I Be Worried?

I have been married to my partner for 4 years now and together for 10 but these past couple years have been the worst of them all. At the beginning of the Pandemic my Husband asked if he could invite his trans friend to live with us to just "help with the bills." I didn't mind because she has lived with us before for a couple years and it was smooth sailing, but this time it has been hell for me... A year prior she had finally gotten her operation and had my Husband go with her out of state to do it. Her BF at the time did not want to go and did not want her to have it so my Husband volunteered himself. Fast forward to the start of the Pandemic, her BF leaves her and she moves in. I knew something was not right the minute we saw her, she held my Husbands face in her hands and spent the day touching his face right in front of me. Things only escalated as the year went by. They started only watching TV shows that only they liked, they started only confiding in each other and he started sharing things about his life that I didn't even know with just her. Often, they would go out and leave me home because they assumed I would not want to go where they are going. Now she is peer pressuring him to get Botox with her and making him have the mindset of "only skinny is pretty" He is becoming more like the man she wants then my Husband. Things escalated when they were going out for dinner and drinks and he invited me. She had a full blown conniption because he didn't tell her I was coming. We had to leave her at a casino, which I thought was fair. But the next day she came out to the living room saying how she doesn't trust him and he told her that if she wants to have dinner and drinks alone that it can be arranged. I pretty much lost my calmness at this point because I feel like she is more his girlfriend than friend. I cannot even enjoy parties we throw because she makes everything about the two of them and hovers over my Husband when we sit together. She was supposed to move out but now there is no move out date and I don't know what to do. How do I approach this with him to let him know he is inappropriately close to her and she is driving a wedge between us? I have tried before and he dismisses me a jealous and that they are so close that she is like a sister. Should I be paranoid? Please help.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, dbutler1218 said:

my Husband asked if he could invite his trans friend to live with us to just "help with the bills."  They started only watching TV shows that only they liked, they started only confiding in each other and he started sharing things about his life that I didn't even know with just her. I feel like she is more his girlfriend than friend. 

You're married so you need to give her adequate legal notice to move out of your home. Stop tolerating this wherever it is/affair thing..at best an intrusion. They are both acting inappropriate.

In the meantime privately and confidentially see your physician for STD testing and be frank about the insanity going on in your home.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do Not Tell your husband.

Also consult an attorney to  discuss your options in divorce even if you get rid of this situation the problem is your husband's inappropriate behavior in general.

Do Not Tell your husband. Do not threaten divorce. Just get your ducks in a row because you know something is very wrong with this scenario.

[dbutler1218]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're married so you need to give her adequate legal notice to move out of your home. Stop tolerating this wherever it is/affair thing..at best an intrusion. They are both acting inappropriate.

In the meantime privately and confidentially see your physician for STD testing and be frank about the insanity going on in your home.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do Not Tell your husband.

Also consult an attorney to  discuss your options in divorce even if you get rid of this situation the problem is your husband's inappropriate behavior in general.

Do Not Tell your husband. Do not threaten divorce. Just get your ducks in a row because you know something is very wrong with this scenario.

I completely agree, even if I have never caught anything physical between them does not mean she is not infatuated with him and he likes it. When you feel something is wrong, most of the time it's because there is. He already refuses to kick her out because "we need the money" BS.

Edited December 26, 2021 by dbutler1218
adding on

[mark clemson]

From what you write, it does sound very much like she has been slowly "infiltrating" your marriage and is now trying to essentially share your husband with you and perhaps even muscle you out of him.  Perhaps the fact that this person was a bio/external male at the start made it harder to recognize what was going on?

On your husband's part, he clearly has an emotional connection with this person, and they are not walking through any doors that he has not left open for them.

I think this is a genuine risk to your marriage, and that you may need to start pushing back harder. Are there aspects to your husband's sexuality that he's been keeping hidden from you? Are you not enough for him? If yes, the friend should go. If genuinely not, then it may bear discussion of what makes sense to do next. Some people can "share" a partner, but many absolutely cannot + it may well be that this friend would not ultimately be willing to share him with you.

Marriage counseling may help, and (assuming you're NOT ok with this continuing), I think if you cannot make headway at putting a stop to and reversing this you should consider insisting you both attend it.

Edited December 28, 2021 by mark clemson