I don't feel listened to or understood by him - so much resentment.

[RosieRenold]

Hello I need help.

I’ve been with my partner for 9 years, married for 4. We have 2 girls, one is 2 years old and the other is 11 weeks. 

For the past 2 years since having my first daughter we’ve argued a lot more than we used to. Issues are around money, his drinking (I felt he used to drink too much at the weekends - he disagreed). He has slowed this down. 
 

During the arguments I feel he doesn’t listen to my perspective- I don’t feel listened to or understood by him. This has led to a massive build up of resentment on my part. I don’t feel affectionate towards him and struggle to be intimate .

There is no one else - I want to fix the relationship but don’t know how. We can’t afford couples counselling. I haven’t spoken to any friends or family about this. 
 

He is a nice person and really helps around the home and with our children. I feel annoyed by him a lot of the time. 
 

can someone help me?

Edited December 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify title

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, RosieRenold said:

I haven’t spoken to any friends or family about this. 

Talk to trusted friends and family about the arguing and drinking. Also talk to your physician about what is going on privately and confidentially. Do not do marriage therapy at this point. 

Al-Anon is a support group for those involved with problem drinkers . See if it answers some questions for you:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[RosieRenold]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Talk to trusted friends and family about the arguing and drinking. Also talk to your physician about what is going on privately and confidentially. Do not do marriage therapy at this point. 

Al-Anon is a support group for those involved with problem drinkers . See if it answers some questions for you:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Thanks so much for your reply. 
 

Just to add more info he drinks mostly at the weekends and holidays. But I feel it’s too much. An example of this includes having 3 beers when looking after both of our daughters while I was out with friends. I don’t feel he should have drank anything at all incase one needed to go somewhere in an emergency etc. He drinks more than anyone else at Xmas etc. His family are big drinkers and his mum is an alcoholic. When I bring this up he gets annoyed and doesn’t see what he does as bad at all - mainly because his friends are the same as him. 
 

Thanks for the link I said yes to over half of the questions but not all. 

[basil67]

My husband, his mates and family are all comparatively big drinkers too.   I'm not so keen on it, but if it's not too often, then it's pretty hard to complain.  How often is your husband getting wobbly drunk?  

Aside from his drinking, what concerns do you have where he doesn't understand your perspective?  

To give beers while minding the girls context, if he's an average sized guy and had three beers over a couple of hours, he'd still be under .05 (the legal limit for driving where I live) and perfectly able to care for them.  If it was a longer period than a couple of hours, then he'd be absolutely fine.  Perhaps this issue is an over reaction caused by the other issues in the marriage?  I'm not saying this to belittle your feelings, but rather to help you identify which issues are major vs minor.

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

19 hours ago, RosieRenold said:

 Issues are around money...

Do you have a monthly written budget??  If not, spend your monthly income on paper first (and that includes putting away at least 10% into long term savings).  Once you have spent your income on paper, turn that into a budget.  You both agree to abide by the budget and only spend money as dictated by the budget.

 

18 hours ago, RosieRenold said:

An example of this includes having 3 beers...

OMG!!  3 beers is nothing, leave him alone and let him enjoy a few beers.  You are not his mommy, don't micro manage him having a few beers on a lazy afternoon. 

[glows]

19 hours ago, RosieRenold said:

Thanks so much for your reply. 
 

Just to add more info he drinks mostly at the weekends and holidays. But I feel it’s too much. An example of this includes having 3 beers when looking after both of our daughters while I was out with friends. I don’t feel he should have drank anything at all incase one needed to go somewhere in an emergency etc. He drinks more than anyone else at Xmas etc. His family are big drinkers and his mum is an alcoholic. When I bring this up he gets annoyed and doesn’t see what he does as bad at all - mainly because his friends are the same as him. 
 

Thanks for the link I said yes to over half of the questions but not all. 

My thought is you may be resenting him drinking because you’re fearful of the outcome or effect it might have on your young children (them seeing their father drink casually or see that their grandmother is an alcoholic). They’re not small issues.

I don’t think three beers is a lot either but it’s the lifestyle and risks. It’s just a little too close to home. 

What kind of money issues are you referring to? 

[RosieRenold]

Hello! Thanks for the reply. 

Yes 3 beers doesn’t sound a lot but other concerns of mine are his mood. When he has his beers there is a noticeable difference in his mood, he is happy and upbeat and chatty. The next day however he is moody, negative and struggles to get out of bed. He’s only a small guy and even though he doesn’t admit it I can see how they change him, wouldn’t be such a problem if it didn’t affect him the next day. 
 

I have had to take control of our money as he is unable to do this independently, we talk and we do think he may have some kind of dyslexia. I feel he overspends and often ends up borrowing money from our savings. 

[RosieRenold]

On 12/27/2021 at 1:25 AM, basil67 said:

My husband, his mates and family are all comparatively big drinkers too.   I'm not so keen on it, but if it's not too often, then it's pretty hard to complain.  How often is your husband getting wobbly drunk?  

Aside from his drinking, what concerns do you have where he doesn't understand your perspective?  

To give beers while minding the girls context, if he's an average sized guy and had three beers over a couple of hours, he'd still be under .05 (the legal limit for driving where I live) and perfectly able to care for them.  If it was a longer period than a couple of hours, then he'd be absolutely fine.  Perhaps this issue is an over reaction caused by the other issues in the marriage?  I'm not saying this to belittle your feelings, but rather to help you identify which issues are major vs minor.

 

 

Thanks for the reply. He’s quite small in height and statue so I can see a noticeable difference in his mood, the problem being the next day when he struggles to get out of bed and is moody. This happens after 3/4 beers but he doesn’t see this, it’s just what I have observed. He doesn’t get wobbly drunk very often at all. 
 

it could be an overreaction maybe, I’m just trying to understand my own feelings as I’m very confused. 
 

The main source or arguments for us are money and alcohol. He has overspent so much in the past and was always dipping into our joint savings account which I didn’t like. So I would budget for him. He has a hard time budgeting for himself. The other issues is that he sometimes forgets to shower and brush his teeth which i find a put off, especially the teeth brushing. I’ve spoken to him about it and he gets embarrassed, but nothing ever changes and he continues with his limited routine. 

[Els]

On 12/27/2021 at 7:49 AM, RosieRenold said:

Just to add more info he drinks mostly at the weekends and holidays. But I feel it’s too much. An example of this includes having 3 beers when looking after both of our daughters while I was out with friends. I don’t feel he should have drank anything at all incase one needed to go somewhere in an emergency etc.

I'm just trying to understand your logic here... obviously if he was downing a whole bottle of vodka while minding the kids, that would be a problem... but 3 beers is a problem "in case he needs to go somewhere in an emergency"? So, you feel that people should remain below the legal drinking limit at ALL times if they have kids, unless the kids are with a babysitter?

I mean... if that's how you view it then that's your prerogative... but you really should have discussed this expectation with him before having kids, because this isn't normal IME. The vast majority of my friends with kids have no issue having a few beers at dinner or at the family BBQ - in the very very rare occasion of an emergency, you should dial for an ambulance anyway because it would have paramedics and life support inside it, and it would be much quicker than a car.

[BaileyB]

To be fair, he doesn’t sound like a big drinker. I would only be concerned if he is drinking excessively while caring for the children - because they are very young. 

I think it’s very easy to feel resentment when you are caring for young children, maintaining a home, and working. I would try to focus on the positives - he does help around the house and with the children, that’s more than some others would do. 

Kindly, it’s not your place to remind him to do basic tasks of personal hygiene. You are not his parent, you are his wife. 

Budgeting, I would take over that job if he is not responsible. Why don’t you have an account for household expenses, and you can each have your own money/account. If the budget allows, he should have some discretionary spending - as should you. 

As to the fact that you feel like he doesn’t hear you, I wonder if that may change if you change your approach. It’s difficult, but I would try to stop judging him for his drinking and hygiene. To be fair - during this pandemic a lot of people are struggling with mental health - drinking is up and hygiene is down. Try not to worry. Show appreciation for the things that he does around the home and with the children. Try to find the man that you fell in love with - do something fun together, make time to talk about how you are both feeling and where this life is going - not only in a “you need to do more of this…” way… 

Basically, be kind to each other. You have a new baby. Emotions are high. Life is hard right now. Take care of each other. 



 

[Crazelnut]

4 hours ago, RosieRenold said:

The main source or arguments for us are money and alcohol. He has overspent so much in the past and was always dipping into our joint savings account which I didn’t like. So I would budget for him. He has a hard time budgeting for himself. The other issues is that he sometimes forgets to shower and brush his teeth which i find a put off, especially the teeth brushing. I’ve spoken to him about it and he gets embarrassed, but nothing ever changes and he continues with his limited routine. 

So basically you're married to man-child, so you have to be the responsible parent. Sorry, but the hygiene issues alone would be enough for me.

FWIW, I'd be quite upset if my husband drank 3 beers while watching the kids. 

[S2B]

So is the issue overspending money or drinking or both?

what does he spend money on? 
 

wheb you say something important to him - do you ask him what it is he heard you say? 

Edited January 3, 2022 by S2B

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, RosieRenold said:

The main source or arguments for us are money and alcohol. He has overspent so much in the past and was always dipping into our joint savings account which I didn’t like. So I would budget for him.  he sometimes forgets to shower and brush his teeth which i find a put off, especially the teeth brushing.

Have you read the book 📚 "The Peter Pan Syndrome"?

It describes  irresponsible, immature men who become even more infantilized when his wife takes over "grown up" responsibilities, rather than be an equal partner and insist and responsible adult behavior. 

The drinking, squandering money and refusal to maintain appropriate hygiene could be this, but it could be depression or other mental or physical illness.

[glows]

5 hours ago, RosieRenold said:

Thanks for the reply. He’s quite small in height and statue so I can see a noticeable difference in his mood, the problem being the next day when he struggles to get out of bed and is moody. This happens after 3/4 beers but he doesn’t see this, it’s just what I have observed. He doesn’t get wobbly drunk very often at all. 
 

it could be an overreaction maybe, I’m just trying to understand my own feelings as I’m very confused. 
 

The main source or arguments for us are money and alcohol. He has overspent so much in the past and was always dipping into our joint savings account which I didn’t like. So I would budget for him. He has a hard time budgeting for himself. The other issues is that he sometimes forgets to shower and brush his teeth which i find a put off, especially the teeth brushing. I’ve spoken to him about it and he gets embarrassed, but nothing ever changes and he continues with his limited routine. 

I would be concerned as my first thought is mental illness and this too may be hereditary. Overspending like that is losing touch of reality. You have two young ones to care for. Instead of this being a rant about drinking I’d rethink everything you planned in a future together.