Advice needed! Girlfriend always gets a job around men

[Trustissuesforsure]

So we've been together 5 yrs and we've be pretty good and happy but she constantly wants to work with men , she just got a job on a construction site surrounded by 50 men , 

She's talked with guys via text and kept it a secret but she hasn't crossed the line from everything I have seen.   Why does she do this ? 

[S2B]

She wants make attention. It’s an ego feed.

can you handle that?

have you two every discussed what healthy boundaries look like? Have you discussed what dealbreakers look like for you?

[Trustissuesforsure]

I figured that might be a reason.  I give her so much attention tho.  I'm so lost on why she chooses these jobs.    I act like I'm ok with it but it really does bother me.   She knows it bothers me but at this point I don't wanna seem controling or insecure.   

[glows]

You are controlling if you’re intimidated by her working on a construction site. That’s a you problem, not hers. 

Try working backwards on this a little more. Are you insecure because she’s untrustworthy as a person or because you don’t feel as sexy or manly compared to your version of what these men on the construction site look like or are like?

[Trustissuesforsure]

Our relationship has almost always been her around men and tbh after my trust was broken by secret texts with other men it effected myself and made me feel inadequate.   I guess I'm worried  she isn't trustworthy ....... But that being said the damage of broken trust has made me worry about everything  I know the right thing here is to support her but I'm curious why she always wants to be surrounded by men. Like you know the type that say I hate woman I want male  friends 

Between a rock and a hard place. But all I'm trying to do is understand so I can move forward 

Edited December 27, 2021 by Trustissuesforsure

[searching heart]

The right thing here is not to support her. the right thing is to say this is over if it continues. Why would you want to live the rest of you life this way?  you don't...If it were me it would already be over

[Trustissuesforsure]

Yeah I've thought about that path but I truly do love her.  Like I said she has kept texting other men a secret but from what I've seen with these conversations is she is very clear that she's just looking for friends.   I've seen the text where guys say wanna hook up and her response it what would we do because I don't sleep around.. but if u wanna go for a beer that's cool.    I don't know like I said I'm trying to understand this behaviour or being around men 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Trustissuesforsure said:

So we've been together 5 yrs and we've be pretty good and happy but she constantly wants to work with men , she just got a job on a construction site surrounded by 50 men , 

Do her qualifications reflect the type of jobs she chooses?  

[Trustissuesforsure]

She is new to the whole construction thing. She applied like 2 weeks ago having no experience and no prior experience.  They were the first ones to call her back and she took it needing a paycheck

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Trustissuesforsure said:

She is new to the whole construction thing. She applied like 2 weeks ago having no experience and no prior experience.  They were the first ones to call her back and she took it needing a paycheck

Well it makes sense that if she's unemployed she takes the first job offered.  

You said that she always gets a job around men.  What were the previous roles?  

[Trustissuesforsure]

She took a welding job and then after that a mens barber shop      she has had the opportunity to take on other jobs but chooses these jobs where she is the only woman 

[glows]

Do you think she’s aware that you’re reading those messages? 

It doesn’t matter where she works.

If you dislike or feel her behaviour is inappropriate then staying makes no sense regardless of how much you love her.

 

 

[Trustissuesforsure]

She does know I've seen her msgs and only reason I looked is because she has always checked my phone, and the very first time I checked hers it was 2-3 different convos   like I said nothing about sex, bit she did invite one of them over when I was away.  But I have given her the beinfit of the doubt.

[FMW]

There are women who prefer the company of men.  The ones I know enjoy and seek the attention, but they also just relate to and are more comfortable with men.  Most of the ones I know wouldn't actually follow through on the attention, but they still seek it.  

Does she have women friends?  Does she ever just hang out with girlfriends?  If not, she's probably one of those women I described.  If that's the case, you have to decide whether or not you can be ok with her seeking and enjoying the attention.  

[Trustissuesforsure]

In your opinion why do woman need the attention ? Our relationship is usually pretty good and I'm one of those guys who reassures her she special, she beautiful on the daily.  

One thing I'm starting to think is when she was younger she actually tried to become a welder but couldn't pass the technical training .   In my mind and trying to process this is that she got so much attention from the men while she was trying to do that , fast forward 10 yrs maybe she misses the attention??? 

[S2B]

It’s hard to say. But if you really do t like it either get counseling for yourself or end the relationship.

[glows]

4 hours ago, Trustissuesforsure said:

In your opinion why do woman need the attention ? Our relationship is usually pretty good and I'm one of those guys who reassures her she special, she beautiful on the daily.  

One thing I'm starting to think is when she was younger she actually tried to become a welder but couldn't pass the technical training .   In my mind and trying to process this is that she got so much attention from the men while she was trying to do that , fast forward 10 yrs maybe she misses the attention??? 

You’ve been together for five years. That’s a good amount of time to get to know someone. It sounds like you do know what her intentions are but you’re having trouble reconciling that she’s not as committed to the relationship. You wouldn’t be here with doubts or unsure about her loyalty if that wasn’t the case.

Maybe it’s time to take a good look at whether you’re happy with her. It doesn’t seem so to me. 

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, Trustissuesforsure said:

She took a welding job and then after that a mens barber shop      she has had the opportunity to take on other jobs but chooses these jobs where she is the only woman 

She likely doesn't get on well with other women. She is maybe avoiding working with a load of  women.
She likely has no interest in what a lot of women talk about, kids, family, soaps, beauty, celebrity gossip etc.
Plenty women in male dominated work environments.
It is not about the "attention". 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Trustissuesforsure said:

.She knows it bothers me but at this point I don't wanna seem controling or insecure.   

How well does the job pay? And how are the benefits and job security?

  That's really the deciding factor in most employment decisions rather than gender ratios.

[Uruktopi]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

She likely doesn't get on well with other women. She is maybe avoiding working with a load of  women.
She likely has no interest in what a lot of women talk about, kids, family, soaps, beauty, celebrity gossip etc.
Plenty women in male dominated work environments.
It is not about the "attention". 

I trully agree with you on most of what you posted.

I would reformulate the last sentence: It is not necessarilly and not always about the "attention". 

If it´s not, I wouldn´t and never had a problem about.

If it is....oh well...she can have all the "attention" she may want exception made from only one man: me.

But of course, a Xmas card every five years or so would be enough.

Edited December 27, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Uruktopi]

In my experience, just mine but I´ve got some..., 

Most of people, women and men, can and should mantain work / proffesional interactions, includding friendly ones, whithin self respect boundaries and regardless gender rates.

Some can´t.  And are, as potential love partners, unsafe at any speed (attention seekers, flirtatious ones and other borderline histrionic personalities).

About accepting or "tolerating" out-of-line or ambiguous behaviours cos of job benefits, I am trying to remember how it´s called an old job paradigm that also trade favours for economic incentives...  🤔 🤐

 

 

Edited December 27, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Els]

I don't understand. This is her JOB, it's not like she's hanging out with only men for fun. If she declined the construction job, who is going to pay her bills? You?

[basil67]

19 hours ago, Trustissuesforsure said:

She took a welding job and then after that a mens barber shop      she has had the opportunity to take on other jobs but chooses these jobs where she is the only woman 

I know this is off topic, but she can weld, do construction and cut men's hair?  What a woman!!!    

[elaine567]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I know this is off topic, but she can weld, do construction and cut men's hair?  What a woman!!!    

That is what I thought too, but the OP is too insecure about her workmates to appreciate her. 

[basil67]

It would also help explain why she prefers male company.  I'm not sure how many women she'd relate to.